Time to go - but will break my 4 year olds heart

[sweety74]

Im sorry folks, this is a VERY long thread, I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read and give advice.

 

I feel that its time to end my marriage, but we have a four year old son who craves the security of having both parents around and loves us both to bits, as we do him.

 

I know the decision I make, will affect him, so I want to make sure I am doing the right thing.

 

The background of our relation ship is that we have been together for 10 years, the first two to three - wonderful. Since then we have made several bad decisions which has led us to a pretty tough way of living and the relationship has deteriorated.

 

As a new couple, we both had great jobs, lots of money, took weekends away frequently and always had a vehicle each, and no real financial worries. I was quite successful in my job and wanting to experience different things in life. He seemed to be able to talk me out of doing anything but spending time with him. He was a lovely guy, modest, handsome, gentle, kind and caring.

 

Over a period of three years though, he had three little outbursts which should have been a warning to me. One morning, his alarm was going off for him to go to work. He just continued laying there, not stopping the alarm or getting up. I gave him a nudge, he jumped up, swore and threw the clock accross the room.

The next time, we had a disagreement and he punched a cupboard door and damaged it. Each time I told myself that he was under a lot of stress, and I had done something to push him - how many times have I heard that from a physically abused woman????

Another time, we were moving, time was getting short, stepson was asking too many questions, hubby grabbed a pushbike threw it with great force into the back of the truck, with no regard for any of the other items in the truck that might get damaged.

 

On every occasion I have told him that is unnacceptable behaviour, and while he will try and make things up with me by coming and giving me a cuddle, he refused to apologise for his actions, he would only try and justify the reasons for what he did. OFTEN referring back to his "tortured childhood" at the hands of his abusive father. BLAH BLAH BLAH I have sat and listened, and comforted him through his recollections of his childhood with a Dad that was strict and liked to use his fists to get his point accross from time to time. I have told my husband he should get some counselling and consider anger managment courses. He will not.

 

We married and had our son. Shortly after having our son we took on the challenge of renovating my brother in laws rental, over a period of twelve months, where at the end we would receive an amount reflective of the increase in the value of the home due to our renovations. Unfortunately my brother in law is a businessman by nature, and we had to pay rent while we were there, as well as for all the materials to do the work. SUCKERS - yes!

 

It was a tough year, with me working on the house every spare minute and not napping when baby napped, hubby working day and night shift, and trying to work on the house under a great deal of pressure from the brother in law who frequently came to see what we were doing, complained it wasn't really what he expected- he wanted a new kitchen put in at our expens, among other things. By the end, we were left with six weeks to complete the work we had started, and still didn't get it finished to the standard we had hoped. We came out of it with $10,000 towards our own home, which meant we were limited to buying in my home town, which is a small, closed minded, depressing, place which is very expensive to live in as they have two power bills, high property rates, but a very poor standard of living to go with it all. So we have not been enjoying living here. It was our intention to renovate the home we brought over 12 months again, and get the heck out of this town. Three years of struggling just to pay our bills, and also afford materials to do up the house, we are now at the point we would like to just walk away. It has really done our heads in.

 

While we have generally been able to support each other through this, there has been several arguements, almost divorces, and tantrums over this time.

 

During one particular argument, I was so angry at him as he had punched a wall that I had just painted, and put a hole in it. I wanted to leave the house, as I headed for the car and started to put my son in his car seat, my husband stood in front of the driver door not letting me in saying it wasn't safe for me to drive in my state of mind. I then went to grab the pushchair so I could walk away, but he grabbed it first and threw it accross the driveway, breaking it.

 

Again, he could see nothing wrong with his actions and see no reason why a simple talk and a cuddle would make things right.

 

While my husband no longer works day and night jobs, his day job as a contracter is quite tiring, while he won't come out and say it, I think he resents me, as I only work four days a week, and have twelve weeks holiday per year, 8 of those unpaid as I work as a school administrator. I do this, as I previously had a very stressful full time job, where i would have had no time or energy for my son, had I returned to that job. I chose to take on a less stressful, part time job, to ensure my son got some quality care and time from at least one of his parents.

 

I resent him because he doesn't understand that the amount of work I put into caring for the family, running around, working out how to get all our bills paid, cooking, cleaning, etc.. should make up for the fact that I don't work full time. Heck, only with a part time job, Im exhausted by the end of the week.

 

So anyway, most would say we have some pretty tough circumstances against us which are surely clouding our feelings for each other and our judgement. The town we live in is notorious for marriage breakups, and infidelity. I swore I would not let this town or our circumstances ruin our marriage, and wait till the house was sold, and I could think clearly and see our situation for what it was. That is why i have stuck with it until now. Also I see no need for my son to grow up without a permanent

Dad, if I make a decision that is fuelled by emotion and possibly hormones!

 

However there is one pattern that has been occurring that I can no longer take and that is my husband's antics when he can't take the pressure of our lifestyle anymore. He goes from normal to a total monster in 2 seconds - I get pissed off with him, and walk off to cool down. He gets angry that Im annoyed and won't talk to him, so yells and throws something and storms out. Later he insists that we talk - but the talk is more him standing over me interrogating me about my reasons for getting angry, then rubbishing each thing that I have to say, basically telling me Im being silly, followed by him then rattling off all of my bad qualities - don't treat him well enough, don't bother doing small considerite or nice things for him often enough, am cold, not intimate enough or giving him closeness he needs, as a person, Im not good at much, I don't try things, I don't follow through on things I want to do, such as learning the guitar that I have been trying to do for three years but haven't had time, Just yesterday he told me I could be doing more with the renovating of a house, why wouldn't I just pick up a roller and start painting one of the rooms - my answer was that he always picks on the work I am doing or takes over - his answer - well I can do it quicker and better.

 

Little digs like this happen often during our fights. I try never to get personal and hurt the other person, just concentrate on the issues we are facing. He seems to want to make me feel worthless by pointing out all my bad qualilties. I am well aware of what I need to improve on. and maybe I am angry at the things he has said, because they are true, I have tended to drift through life, not really trying to excell at anything, dreaming up things I'd like to do but then never pursuing them. Largely, due to time and financial constraints. This frustrates me and makes me feel like a total loser, without him having to reiterate it all.

 

Luckily, my son hasn't been witness to much of this, and my husband is generally very loving and playful towards him. He is Daddy's boy. But when Dad wants affection from me and our son comes in trying to get a hug too, or when we are talking and he comes in and interupts, My husband gets annoyed and storms out of the room. Sometimes if he is feeling particularly resentful of our son (keep in mind it was my husband who kept wanting to try for children, I wanted to travel first but he convinced me to have a child first), he will just ignore our son. Sometimes I think he really dislikes him and I wonder why he wanted more children (he already has an older son from a relationship that didn't work out)

 

Anyway, I think that is enough information, I know it paints my husband as a total * * * * * but when things are going well he is fine. Its his way of handling stress and bad times Im not happy with. Following selling our house, we intended to have a holiday for a while and just go renting for a while so we don't have the extra bills such as rates etc. We both were hoping that while on holiday we could review our relationship and see if we still had a future together. I am certain that there is no point continuing our marriage.

I want to tell him tonight that once the house is sold we should go our separate ways.

 

He seems to have so many things he does not like about me and there seems to be so many ways I am not meeting his expectations as a wife, that I feel he can just bugger off and try to find that perfect woman that he thinks should exist to cater for his every emotional need, work 40 hours a week and be happy to cook and clean, be the main child carer, make sure everyone has what they need, etc.

 

Have I talked to him about my feelings! - many times, he just doesn't get it. As far as he is concerned, the way I am thinking is messed up and I have issues. Maybe I do - Maybe he does - maybe we both do - I am just too confused to know who is right and who is wrong in this situation.

 

My thoughts are that once the holiday is over and we are back working, renting, problems may arise again. Something could go wrong and lead to another tantrum. Spending the rest of our lives together, happy with no hiccups and my husband being completely tantrum free? I can't see it.

 

I expect he will not want our son full-time, I dread any custody issues. I love my son and whatever happens I want him with me. I don't want him to be a teenager with issues over growing up with a Dad though either. But I think this has to be done.

 

My husband has never hit me, our child, or been violent directly towards us. I am not fearful for either of our safety but I do think my husbands behaviour when things aren't going well is childish and I have HAD ENOUGH.

 

Im also furious with myself for not recognising these patterns and getting out of this before their was a child involved who is going to be heartbroken if his Dad is not going to be around. ](*,)](*,)](*,)

 

ANY thoughts, comments, advice would be much appreciated.

[melrich]

That is a long story. What struck me reading it was that you focus on a lot of external or environmental issues as "reasons" for things happening in your marriage.

 

Sometimes things need to be over and I get the you feel like you are at taht point. But it is a major decision, particularly with your son involved. I wonder if you should not try something as a last resort. Get some counselling, for both of you, and see if some outside help can offer some hope that you could save the marriage.

 

If it can't, at least you will have comfort in the knowledge that you have tried everything.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I too was struck by all the external factors you cite rather than focusing on the fact that he is choosing to deal with problems violently and inappropriately, and it's getting worse over time. Honey, he's an abuser and sooner or later, it's going to be you or your child who's being punched, not a wall.

 

You can't change him but you do have a choice to make, and there are no excuses anymore. You either accept him as he is and work around it, or you leave. There is no excuse not to take some action right frickin now. Either counselling or leaving or whatever. But you need to make a decision.

 

Just know one thing - your son is watching all of this and he's learning what men should act like by watching his dad. He's also learning what women should be like by watching you. You have to decide if you can accept him learning to be like his dad.

 

Your son's not the excuse to stay and put up with violence. His heart would be a lot more broken were he to solve his problem like his dad currently does.