EXGF has coldfeet! The end of the road.

[shockeddismayed]

This site is a godsend... I'm hoping some of the great members can help comment on my situation

 

Here are the vitals:

 

My girl and I met in school when we were 22. Despite her initial fears (later) we have been happily together for 7 years. We have/had the type of relationship that was based on an extremely solid friendship.... we do/did everything together. We have the same interests, same positive traits (empathetic, caring)... and unfortunately the same negative ones (stubborn, competitive)

 

We've been living together on and off for 4 years (I was a co-op student, so it was off when I went to school), and have been living full time for 2 years. Problem is, she's still in school (Psychology PhD, so I am wary of playing "games"), and I am a young entrepreneur, so we always had roommates to deal with.

 

A couple months before the breakup in February, we started looking at rings (I could finally afford one) after years of talking about marriage. She seemed elated.

 

Then she went on a last minute trip with her parents down south... it was ruining my (not so) secret plans to propose on the 14th (well.. the she knew it was coming.. but not when), so the tension pre-trip caused 2 ruined nights out for dinner. When she came back, she was messed up, and said things like "I'd want to say yes, but secretly I have my doubts about us... I'm so tired of our arguments... need space, maybe I'm just stressed... maybe its more... I love you, but I've felt some fading... etc."

 

I moved out... tried to assure her that the arguments were due to our inability to "let our hair down" with roommates, and due to some extremely stressful living circumstances as young people trying to get started, that we'd fallen in a rut we could work through... and that I was recapturing my optimism (which is what she fell in love with), but it was to no avail. She was getting her back up, so I've tried to leave her alone,... despite her changing opinion on things ("I might be making a mistake"... "I'm doing the right thing for our happiness"... "but it could be a mistake")

 

All the while she was still saying "you are my soul mate" and " I love you more than anyone" but when pressed she'd recoil and say "but maybe there is someone out there that would be easier for us both"

 

The "fear" issue comes in (IMO) because I was her first serious boyfriend... she was a serious kid, and generally avoided fun until she met me... She had one relationship as a teen, but it broke her heart until I showed up 3 years later. I helped bring her out of her shell, and she helped tame the party animal in me. She has admitted that a small part of this is not knowing what else is out there.

 

What started as a break, has turned into an official break up. It is now 4 weeks since I moved out... 6 weeks since I first heard of her doubts.

 

I know typical no contact rules apply... but I am off to our... whoops... her house to pick up the rest of my things this weekend. She's said she won't be there, but last time I picked things up, she was an hour late getting out of the house (not accidental I'm sure).

 

If she isnt around, should a leave a bittersweet gift... or leave nothing?

 

Also... as part of the recovering process, I invited an old flame/friend out for a coffee next week (we'd wanted to be friends, but I didn't want to complicate things with a jealous girlfriend). It would be easy for this info to filter back to my true love.... should I let it?

 

Generally... what are my next moves... do I have any?

[Sn0man]

As a wise person once told me, ex's have a habit of doing a complete 180 when they think you're over them and doing fine, especially when u start dating again. Leave nothing when you get your things.

 

Living with your partner, especially that long w/o being married and ESPECIALLY with roomates (I know finances are tough at our age, but that can really destroy a relationship), can be disasterous at times and puts undue strain on the both of you.

 

Maybe living apart for a while (Of course, u 2 are broken up so you will of course be living apart) will do the both of you some good. She and you both get some breathing room, and time to think things over.

 

If you 2 were meant to be together, you will be. Trust in that.

 

I sincerely hope things work out for you. Best wishes

[shockeddismayed]

SnOman,

 

thanks for the response. I think your advice is right on... its the execution that gets tough.... I'm not in contact with her much at all... but the ace up the sleeve is that my sibling lives (in a diff't city) with her best friend.

 

I hear you on the living with room-mates thing... it was an identified issue all along, but not one we could avoid. On a positive though... her/our roommate is moving out as of mid april... she'll be there alone in our/her house for the summer. Hopefully a little downtime alone, combined with me giving space will be enough to change things in my favour.

 

A couple other little tidbits.... the night after the "official" breakup (ie the one that came after our first week long "break"), she called me 4 times to see how I was doing. on the 4th call she admitted that she felt like she might want to work on things again, but maybe not for a while (she mentioned 6 months).... I told her not to think in absolute terms... to just sit with her decision to see how she felt, but not to think "it will take me x months".

 

When we last spoke a week ago(4 weeks from the official day), she mentioned "I feel like I won't be ready to marry you in 6 months".... to which I quickly replied... "hold on, after everything that has happened, I'm not asking anymore... I'm just looking to see whether you'll be open to a date sometime"

 

Today we spoke again, and the impression I left was supposed to be aloof and moving on... but I think it came accross more as annoyed and moving on... she tried to invent reasons (mail, furniture, etc) why she'd need to contact me. I replied "I don't know, it seems like we have everything sorted out, I'm not saying don't call, but there doesn't seem like there will be a real need for you to." Not sure why I said that.... but that's life I guess.

 

Seems like she is overthinking things ..... her and I both I suppose.

 

As for dating... well the interesting thing is that the girl I'd be going out to meet is the ex I broke things off with to be with 'the one". "The one" was always very jealous of "the ex" even though I assured her that the reason for breaking it off was that the moment I met "the one" I knew that nothing else could compare.

 

Anyway... I'm thinking if I do allow the info to leak back to "the one", I'd better be sure to leave it unsaid who the date is with... a little jealousy is a good thing, but too much could be disasterous.

 

Anyone more advice? There are so many great opinions here!

[Ambiguous]

Dear Shocked&Dismayed,

 

If only life went exactly the way we plan.. You were done with school and now ready to get married and start a family etc...and now your girlfriend broke it off. I'm sorry.

 

I understand however. I did the same thing to my ex (unfortunately). I was in a relationship with him for 6 1/2 years. He was my first boyfriend and he went away to college, came back and was ready to get serious. I was in high school when we first started going out, so basically all of my high school years I was with him (he was 3 years older) so by the time he was done with school, I was around 21 and curious about the world around me. So to make a long story short... we were on 2 different levels. I wanted to have fun, he wanted to get married. I remember him telling me that the grass is always greener on the other side. Meaning that what I thought I was missing out on while being with him, really isn't as great as it seems. I'll never forget that, because it was true.

 

My advice, from my own experience... is that as HARD and guttwrenching as it seems... be kind and respectful to her while going through this breakup. You guys sound like my ex and I (Best of Friends... Soul Mates)

As hard as it was for him.. he let me experience what I thought I was missing without being mean or revengeful... and during that period of self exploration I learned a lot. I dated one other guy and he showed me all the admirable qualities of my ex that this new person did not have.

Seriously. Don't degrade what you guys had by trying to make eachother jealous, or exchanging hurtful comments. She will realize how good of a person you are, and that you truly do love her IF you respect her wishes of being apart for now. You sound like a good guy, and there are very few of those.

So in the meantime... surround yourself by people who care about you and give it time... If you want to go out with girls (like the one you mentioned) do it.. just don't jump into anything serious..(NO rebound relationships). Just hang out and always be a friend to your ex. Trust me if its meant to be, you guys will be together again.

Best Wishes.

[Sn0man]

Too much leakage of information WILL be disasterous to a relationship you wish to "patch back together". Guaranteed. (you will end up with the " I can't trust you anymore" problem) Trust me on that.

 

Good to hear you are playing things cool with the ex. I find that is the best way to do it. (hell, it gave ME the chance to get back together with my own ex...but when the time came, I decided I wouldn't; go figure)

 

I applaud you on not trying to marry this girl in her "6 month time frame". Well done. That'll perk her interest, promise.

 

It really sounds to me, from your post, that she is giving serious thought to your relationship. Ex's do that with their famous "leave the towel with the ex so they have a reason to see you again, no matter where you 2 are at".

 

Again...Best Wishes

 

I think you two will work out fine...just give it a little more time.

 

Sn0man

[shockeddismayed]

SnOman:

 

Thanks again for the encouragement.... I take from what you said that I should really resign not to play games (leaking the ex-ex to the ex)... but just be honest and available when the time come to chat.

 

That's a completely diff't approach than others on here seem to suggest (Beec, etc)... or maybe I'm misinterpretting things.

 

Ambiguous:

 

Your words are encouraging too... I think it sounds like you and she are a bit similar... although with her, she was just to serious a person to enjoy her youth (cuz we got together near the end of Uni at 22).... and truth be told, I think that motivation is about 25% of the decision now... the rest relates to typical couple stuff that we didn't realize in time... me being down/stressed about the death of a friend, followed by a rocky start to my career... by the time I was myself again, she was tired from "walking on eggshells" to keep me up, and was going through her own tough times with school. It seems so tragic to me... the fact that she concealed her feelings to keep me happy only led her to resentment. When we did talk about it, it didnt seem that she was frustrated, only that she was concerned for my happiness, so I thought I had time to work through things... foolish on my part.

 

Anyway... I AM a good guy... I've always been so patient with this girl and really helped her with some growth (breaking down barriers) when we first got together.... I guess this is a time when I have to do the same, only the strategy is nearly opposite (time and space, vs caring and support). What frustrates me, is that when we started at 22, I had had my fun.... I figured that she was also old enough and self aware enough to start a serious relationship... now I worry I was wrong all along. She mentioned the other day that her parents and siblings have given her support, but it is also clear to her that they are also worried she's made a mistake. She said she was telling me so that I wouldn't be angry with her family (after all, I was practically a member), but I see it as a positive in terms of how she must be feeling (conflicted).

 

Anyway... we'll see what she decides to do on Sunday.... if she leaves a note or is there to see me... hopefully not, I'm at the point where I can bite my tongue, but not at the point where I can wear a poker face.... plus, she could always read my mind... and now she's training for it (haha)

[shockeddismayed]

So I moved my things out without incident. She was 40 mins late leaving the house be the agreed upon time (she happened to drive by me on my way there, but she didn't notice). Perhaps she was hoping to see me.. perhaps simply running late.

 

I left nothing sappy for her (no note or flowers, or CD)... even though I'd wanted to. All going according to plan.

 

Problem: I found out about "the other guy". She has been out of state to visit an old flame... actually that is too strong a word. basically some guy who knew her from school, who took the opportunity to try and break us up while I was accross the country on a work placement. That was nearly 4 years ago.

 

Anyway, from what I can gather... and I have good sources... and I trust them not to tell EX what they've said to me. There was a brief mention of this guy immediately after the trip "Am I falling, or just blinded by something new" and "he is making it difficult for me to think about EX (me)".

 

After that, for the next two weeks, all expressed thoughts have been directed at me... same old stuff: guilt (25%), worried about me (25%), resentment for what happened to "us" (20%) unsure about decision (20%) and loneliness (10%). This is the impression of my source. She even told the source that she's kept my voice on the machine so that she can hear it daily.

 

Not sure what to think here... obviously the first impression is to think about this other guy... but him being a rebound... and distance, say he is less of a factor than I fear.

 

I'm of two minds... It is definitely time to cut ties and give space, but on the other hand, I'm wondering whether a little email on the way to "no contact land" can't hurt. I wrote something 2 weeks ago about how I was recovering... its very abstract... more about finding peace and allowing fate to take its course, than it is about the relationship... in fact the only mention of the relationship is acknowledging/realizing what I did to unknowingly drive her away. Perhaps this is the type of self discovery she needs to hear about... so she'll know she might be missing out on the REAL me, not the me that was lost for the time preceding the breakup. I'd send it under the cover of "you don't need to worry about me... I'm doing the things I need to to recover, perhaps reading this will help you find some peace in this decision too"

 

I guess my thoughts are that while she is only worried and guilty about me, she has little energy to focus on her own feelings. She is still saying that she loves me, but my worry is that by focussing on how I'm feeling, she's forgetting to deal with her own pain/loneliness... and the fact that she's spoken more about my feelings makes me worry that she thinks that it is the only (or most important) thing that is bothering her. Isn't it better that she think I'm doing ok, and be forced to sit and sort out her own feelings/heart?

 

After that, it might be easier to start full out on no contact (not that I've contacted her much in the last 3 weeks)... and/or giving the impression that I am moving on... dating, etc.

 

I feel the need to leave a seed of doubt behind... let it lie there for awhile and hope it grows.

 

Any thoughts? Sn0? Ambiguous, Beec? MyJoy? Anyone?

 

Does the length of the relationship (7 years) allow me a little more leeway in terms of cutting cold turkey?

[shockeddismayed]

I've been blathering on alone here... maybe I'll shorten my posts. Hoping someone will have some thoughts for me....

 

I had a big (maybe) slip up last night. We are now seven weeks out from D-Day. I'd been giving lots of space over the past few weeks... only contacting about "business" stuff like changing phone lines, picking up things etc.

 

Last night (the night after picking up my final things) I sent the letter that I described above... essentially, I sent her a letter I'd written for myself that captured how I was going to find my own peace.

 

I sent it in part b/c I knew she was feeling guilty/terrible about things, and I wanted her to focus on her own feelings... not mine. And I sent it in part b/c I wanted to set the stage for her thinking that I will recover and move on (a selfish reason).

 

I made sure to say "Please don't interpret my writing as an attempt to get you back. It isn't. It is the way that I am looking at things in order to bring my self back from the place I got stuck for so long. I hope you might find it comforting."

 

Bad move?

[shockeddismayed]

Ok...

 

It might not have been terrible.

 

I got a response that said "that was really good of you to send that. Thank you. I'll respond to it later."

 

I also heard from my sister that she called her best pal in the wee hours of the morning and spoke for 2 hours on the night I moved out my last things.... I guess leaving nothing was a shock to her.

 

Maybe I'm feeding the bird?

 

Any feedback?

[shockeddismayed]

CONTACT!!!!

 

I got what I consider to be a (generally) positive response from her.

 

Some key positive points:

+ Your writing was like a poem. That imagery was quite powerful. I've been reading it over and over

+ I really miss you

+ I feel I'm in a different place from 6 weeks ago… I did simply push through this, and am now truly feeling the impact.

+ When I think about your real spirit, I am drawn to it

+ I wake up in a panic that you are gone.

+ our issues are not insurmountable if I still feel this way about you a while from now… but I feel like I have to give this time

 

Some negatives:

- there has been a big discrepancy between your true spirit and your behaviour to me and others

- You have been depressed, irritable, looking for something to be wrong … and me too exhausted to repair the injuries to our attachment

- We didn't let our spirits come out around each other enough… What prevented that? Is it the match? I don't know… Thinking back I'm left with, at the very least, @%$@ are we ever going to get this right?

- I moved from a focus on you and us… to just me… And it is really sad.

- I know there is the risk that you will be gone, are already gone… but considering our lack of convergence… I had to take it.

 

Oophhh.... I agree with almost everything she's said. I'd been coming to some of the same conclusions myself, but feel like I'd been recovering myself before the breakup... but she was too far gone to notice. Obviously the breakup has helped uncover things I was burying... uncovered in a good way....

 

Now what?

[GeeCee]

Shocked&Dismayed

 

Against some of the popular opinion on the forum (and I have advocated it myself sometimes) I don't think that no-contact is the way for you two proceed. There is clearly a lot of feeling on both of your parts, and a level of confusion. I also think that you both have to give yourselves the time to reflect on what has gone and look to the future to decide what it is you both really want and what your expectations of a relationship are.

 

I think that the letter you sent and the response that you received were both encouraging.

 

If you both play this game cautiously (and I use the phrase 'game' loosely), you really should both end up with your heart's desires.

 

Good luck.

 

G xx

[shockeddismayed]

Thanks GeeCee!

 

I'm really torn on what to do.

 

While I agree with most of what was said about me, the line "What prevented that" is bothering me... it feels like she isn't yet willing to admit to the various barriers on her side that contributed... and I'm obviously on thin ice to suggest it.

 

There are obviously so many ways I could take this now... love to hear more thoughts... however, my first reaction was:

 

"EX,

 

I got your letter, thank you.

 

My first impression is that I agree with nearly all of it... however, you seem to imply that the relationship caused me to lose myself... I still feel more as though it was misery from the outside world, that I didn't reconcile. I guess if the relationship contributed, it was in that it seemed to insulate me from my pain... made it easier to ignore it and not deal with things.

 

I have a picture on my desk of XXX, YYY and I at the rehearsal dinner. (ASIDE: XXX is my friend who past away shortly after being married, I was his best man) When I look at my face I almost don't remember who it is... so much lighter. But I have been getting to know myself again.

 

Guitar: Funny you mentioned it... I finally had that fret repaired (after 2 years!).... picked it up, and was shocked to find that the first chord I struck was the intro to Beck's Golden Age... weird... your 5 am clairvoyance repeats itself. (ASIDE: one morning, I arrived back from driving a roommate to the airport, and had that song in my head... by the time I walked into the room, EX woke up and said "are you singing golden age in your head?", "yes, why", "I could hear it")

 

What's Next? I don't know either... I agree with your thoughts that we needed for you to take this risk... the risk of losing each other... and the flip-side, of regaining ourselves.

 

I guess since you initiated all of this, it would make sense that I am lagging a bit behind you in this process... it has been a shock. I feel like maybe I am a couple weeks behind (ASIDE: For the game players, this is my one dig... she visited the other guy a few weeks ago... I'm visiting the old flame this week... neither of us officially know about the "others", but this might get her worried)

 

You mentioned "if you felt the same way in a few weeks..." I feel like we can both put that space to good use.

[SincerlyHurt]

S&D, truly intriguing. Your dilemma makes mine so simple, kinda glad I know Im done.

 

What to do, what to do. You two obviously carry alot of love for each other. You are right when you say she may need to get out there and experience the world. I got with my ex when she was 16, here nine years later she is wondering whats out there and has set out on a conquest to find out.

 

I think no contact is too extreme for your situation. I dont think you two are done. No contact is for you to administer to get yourself over her. Now is not that time. You need some minimal contact, keep it light and fluffy. Let her know you are receptive to getting back together but do not make you and her the focal point of every conversation. Light and fluffy is the key, keep it upbeat and she will want more.

 

You are handling yourself wonderfully. The maturity that spawns from these episodes is amazing. The composure we develop and the insight we gain is immeasurable. We are growing through this to become better overall beings to ourselves and others. People notice that and latch on because of the sincerity we bring. People will be interested to know more about you. I have noticed more and more people lingering around, wanting to know my story, not the breakup story but what I am all about. Keep this behavior up and you cant help but to come out on top of things.

 

You are so lucky in that your gal is unsure and realizes what she may be walking away from. My ex has not had time to reflect yet. The new guy jumped in the minute she was gone and has her woozy with infatuation. One day she will stop and think but I am sure to be long gone. Do what you think is right, dont be overbearing, but dont leave anything to wonder. Say what you feel, how could that ever be wrong? You have the advantage of her receptiveness and you can exploit that.

 

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[shockeddismayed]

Sincerely...

 

Thank you for the response.

 

It is now 24 hours from her email and attached word file.... I'm still confused as to what to do.

 

The email said " I don't know if you want to hear from me".... so she is a bit on her heels, not knowing how I will respond.

 

I want her back terribly... would love to go out with her tomorrow (well maybe not until after Monday... I have a date with the old flame.... but I don't know what to do... how to make things happen.

 

Should I send her an email simply to say "got your email, thanks... I have a response that I will work on... and send later this week"... or just quit/not start with games and send her the email right away. My response (last post) was fairly short, but gets the point accross... I am working on myself... in a way that she'd be pleased with, but do I need to report that?

 

My gut says let her wonder for a few days, but on re-reading her letter, it is still very conflicted... it sounds like she MIGHT want to get together IF she still feels the same way in a few weeks... but what to do in the interim?

 

Any thoughts are welcome! Please help!

[shockeddismayed]

Still very unsure what to do next....

 

I sent a cursory email last night saying "Thanks for letting me know how you are feeling.... I will try to respond later"

 

I needed to buy myself time.

 

It isn't that I don't know what I want out of this... just not sure how strong to come on.... how much to give back... how much to disclose about my feelings?

 

I'd really like some opinions on this. GeeCee and Sincerely have been really helpful... but I'm still confused. I don't want to miss this opportunity by coming back to strong... or with too many games, hidden messages.

 

PS: Her response was on page 3 if you wish to skip to the guts of the situation.

 

Comments?

[DaisyB]

I think everything you've done so far has been good. . . I think you should continue to be honest, patient, and understanding with her, and stay in contact for as long as she seems to want contact. But I don't think you should go overboard -- she wanted the space, so you need to try and give it to her. If she thinks you've withdrawn too much and asks why, you can simply explain that you wanted to give her space, and if she wants more contact, to let you know.

 

I think you should definitely respond to her last letter, since you said you were going to. But like you've already done, take your time responding. You've given her a lot to think about with your last letter, and she may need to process that (and other things) before hearing from you again.

 

As for what you should say in your response -- the letter you posted sounds good. (I love the story about her hearing what you were singing in your head, by the way!) It lets her know how you're doing, and doesn't pressure her to make up her mind, or take you back.

 

I usually hate the term "game" for describing a relationship with someone you love. I use it here sometimes because when we need advice, it's as if we're forming a "game plan." But in this case, I think your "game" should continue to be honest communication with your ex.

 

Good luck.

[Sn0man]

Definitely, those feelings appear to be strong on both sides for the 2 of you.

 

I am not a fan of the 'no contact' rule, but I have to say, the only way you are ever going to get those feelings sorted out is to apply the rule. Stop the emails, they make the healing process drag on with each word. The letter wasn't such a great idea, in my own opinion. Though i'm sure it would seem as though it was on the surface.

 

I know, through plenty of experience, that 'cold turkey' is very, very difficult, especially when the 2 of you have such strong feelings and such a major history.

 

Even through all of this, your emails, your letter etc etc, your ex seems to be quite confused as to where to proceed from here...

 

Apply no contact. It doesn't have to be for THAT long, 4 weeks at least though, to give yourself time to get over the initial shock, depression and anxiety associated with a breakup. Same goes for your ex. With a little time to reflect, things become clearer. Ever heard of 'hindisght is 20/20'?

 

Best Wishes

 

Sn0man

[Ambiguous]

Hello Again,

 

From everything I've read, I think that you are doing everything right. I know how completely frustrating this situation is for you. It sucks that you just can not say EXACTLY what is on your mind to her. (for fear of saying too much, and scaring her away) I would not completely just cut off the conversation whether it be through phone, email or letters. I agree with what one of the other writers said with keeping it "light and fluffy...".

 

If you cut off all communication and go "cold turkey".. it could have an effect on her..."out of sight, out of mind". This is what happened to me with my Ex. He completely respected my wishes, after I expressed it to him when he kept contacting me after the break up.. and eventually when I didn't hear from him.. I healed in the process and moved on. ( I do however still care deeply about him, like a really good friend..but the romantic feelings are not there anymore)

 

Anyways...the flipside is that if you keep contacting her, you are hindering her ability to get through whatever she felt was the problem in the first place(whether it be with herself or your relationship together). So your best bet would be to contact her occasionally, to let her know that you still care. But if there is a period where you haven't heard from her in a while... let her contact you first.

 

I am frustrating myself.. because there really is no definite answer or advice that will solve your problem. When you are dealing with 2 people, you have absolutely no control over the outcome of that other person. I can only hope for you that everything will happen for a reason.. and that the outcome will benefit you in some way. Hang in there... and try your best to be patient.

[shockeddismayed]

SnOman, and Ambiguous...

 

 

Nice to see you check back in.... it was like hearing from old friends. I appreciate both of your advice... and I am considering both of your viewpoints on things... In the end I know the decision is mine, but it is nice to hear differing perspectives on things.

 

Just got back from my "date" (loose def'n) with my EX-EX (not my EX). It was a really weird night. We talked a lot about my current EX... the EX-EX even gave advice on how to get back together with the EX. I didn't want to talk about all of what we did... but she seemed to keep bringing it back up... and I have to admit, she seemed to have so much solid insight, that I couldnt' stop listening. And sitting there... looking at face/eyes as she responded in a heartfelt way to my predictament, I couldn't help but wonder whether there were still feelings underneath everything. However, I was also really worried about being dishonest with this girl... I'd broken her heart before, so I wanted to be completely honest with her about what is happening in my life... that's my biggest fault... too much honesty.

 

Anyway, the night went very well.... when we weren't talking about my EX, or her hopeful BF (who is out of the country), it was clear to me that there was still some chemistry btwn us... we even discussed how our original crack at things was limited by our age gap and timing... and admitted that we'd both always had curiosity about what might have been... Not that I am necessarily looking for that, but it was nice to feel "something" for someone else.

 

We left things very platonically, and talked about hooking up to do something next week.

 

I have to admit... several pints of beer can make one feel very confused... but maybe confusion is a good distraction for heartbreak.

[Sn0man]

Several pints of beer can do alot for ya

 

The worst part is the morning after ugh

 

Glad to hear you are going out and dating, even if it's with an ex-ex. I am just hoping you aren't spilling your guts about your ex to ALL the women you date...that really doesn't go over too well with them heheh. Just be careful not to get too caught up in it or you'll be in a really weird position when your more recent ex comes around lol...if thats what you're after.

 

Keep us posted

 

Sn0man

[shockeddismayed]

Sn0

 

Agreed. Too much spilling of guts is not cool....

 

However in this situation, it was hard to avoid, given the intimate history and the fact that she ALWAYS asks about my EX (or current, as the case had been)... I knew she was fishing for info, and my attitude was that it was better to be honest in this case, than to wrap someone else up in this mess.... If she chooses to involve herself, at least she was given fair warning.

 

As for "other" girls... not sure I'm ready for that... this one was safe..... I think I'd best leave the others for later, as it is pretty clear that I'm not ready for that yet. Flirting... sure... more than that? Not now.

 

Now in regards to my EX, I took it from your earlier response, that I should NOT respond to her email, even though I said I would.... love to hear your thoughts on that, as you seem to be the best (only?)representative of the NC strategy.

 

What are ya thinking?

[Ambiguous]

Hey There,

 

You sound better today since you were able to unload some of your emotions on your ex-ex. That's a really good thing. I don't think that you talking about your ex to her is bad thing at all...she understands the situation, she knows you, and cares about you. She is a "safe" girl to share what you are going through... and like you've said she has been given fair warning about the situation.

 

Who knows... she could have been waiting for this moment for a long time. (Just in case it didn't work out with the girl you left her for) You know what I mean? Relationships are so complicated! Anyways, like sn0man said, don't share this info to other women you talk to, new prospects do not appreciate that. But I know you are definitely not anywhere near dating new girls... Just keep doing what you're doing.

Keep yourself busy, and enjoy the attention and flirting with your ex-ex..

There's no harm in that... it's easier to keep your mind off of your ex, when you have someone else there who cares.

 

You never know where this journey may lead to...Good luck.. I wish you the best..

 

P.S. I would hold off on responding to your ex... give it some time and let her miss you and your words..

[shockeddismayed]

Ambiguous...

 

Thanks for checking in....

 

I agree about the EX-EX... safe, and yet at the same time, I'd always wondered whether she might have been the one that got away. We dated only a very short time... I was a senior in her residence when she was in first year uni.... she was always just TOO nice to me, so I had to end it when I met my EX. In contrast, my EX was a bugger... giving me a good challenge, intellectually, physically, etc. It tooks months after ending it with my EX-EX in order for my EX to fully reciprocate my interest, but it was worth the long courting period.

 

Anyway... at times when our "buggers" nature didn't go away, I'd often wonder why I left a nice pretty girl for a girl who kept me so much on my toes... I guess you always tease the one you love... lol... funny times.

 

As for my response.... I will probably send it tomorrow... 7 days from when she sent hers to me. I'll be working on it tonight, but it is important to me that I send it soon, as I don't really want her thinking I am angry... aloof yes... but not angry. That wouldn't work in my favour given our situation.

 

Talk later.

[Sn0man]

Well,

 

If you're hell bent on making contact.....

 

Just tread lightly...not overcharged words....no guilt tripping...keep it light and friendly. As soon as it turns into a relationship conversation your week of NC goes right out the window, and it's back to square 1.

 

Lemme know how it goes.

 

Sn0man

 

PS. I still think it's probably way too soon, but hey, I could be wrong. Good luck

[shockeddismayed]

Errghhh...

 

I'm really torn.

 

But I thought that it was a good play to RESPOND to her contact when she sends it?

 

Are you feeling that it is better that she think I am angry... that she think I am not improving myself... etc? Please elaborate a bit... I'm not trying to be argumentative... I just want to hear your thoughts.

 

My big worry is that if I don't respond... she'll think all of the above, and it won't make her think "I am missing out on the real Shocked&Dis, I'm missing out on the ugly one that I left."