Chantastic Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Hi Guys n Girls im new to this forum and just wanted to tell you my story to see if you can understand it anymore than i can? Basically last week my now ex split up with me. Im absolutly heart broken and dont know what to do with myself. What makes it harder is the fact that i dont really understand his reasoning and it came completely out of the blue. We had been living together for a year, together 2 and especially recently everything was going great, he treated me amazingly and i loved being with him (i thought he felt the same) then last week he just came out with " i think you should move home" at first i thought he was messing then i realised he wasnt, i asked him why and he said he feels really trapped and wants to get his independence back and live life for himself by himself. He said it would be best if we break up although there is nothing wrong with our relationship or me he said it was just him and he felt like he wouldnt be bothered if i ever split up with him. I was completely shocked at this and obviously devostated. I just dont understand why, he hadnt distenced himself from me lately or anything last week he was only talking about getting a mortgage together, when i asked himn about this he said i just saw it as the next step of the relationship (uh yeah if you actually care about being with someone not just oh cuz thats what you do!) He had a really bad childhood with his mum dying being fostered around family to family before finally getting adoped only to fall into a family with an abusive alcholic adoptive mum. I dont know if this has made him have commitment issues with stopping himself getting to attached to someone or what?! i just dont know Link to comment
justletgo07 Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 He sounds like he is afraid of and avoiding committment. The best advice I can give you would be to cut him off 100% completely. You don't owe him anything, and there should be consequences for him breaking things off with you so abruptly. He may push to remain your friend, but don't do it. Focus on yourself and your healing, and don't worry about what he is doing, thinking, feeling, etc. You have to cut him out completely so that you can begin to heal and move on. Link to comment
Pixiedoc Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 There are quite a lot of people who do that. They don't want to hurt you but are feeling trapped, a 'loss of identity' is another things that's mentioned along with 'it's not you, it's me', 'this is the best relationship I could have but I just don't want one at the moment' and so on. The problem is, they don't want to hurt you but end up hurting you more because YOU don't know what they have been thinking for a while Also that means they are more prepared for the break up than you, so find it easier to let go. Somewhere down the line, little things that happened will start making sense, but not now when the word that crops up most in your mind is 'why???. Unfortunately you have to accept his decision, but before you do, have a conversation with him where you ask him why exactly did he feel trapped? Did you not spend enough time apart, or alone, or with your own space/ friends? If he can be specific, and you're willing to compromise, you could perhaps give that a go. However, he may now feel he's gone too far down the line of commitment and wants to step back, in which case you will probably not get that back - and let's face it, a reversion to seeing each other twice a week or just being 'good friends' will only suit one of you - and it won't be you. Have that conversation, then if there's no way back, be as dignified as you can on the outside, collect your things and leave (if it's his place of course). Get your friends and family around you for support and keep coming back here to post if you want to - take care. Link to comment
In the Dark Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 I agree it is commitment issues. I know you are very wounded from this. This also happened to me. She could see a future with me then all of a sudden. . . . .she said "I need space." Her parents were disappointed in her, she also felt trapped. As here things were going great. Be realtionship she ever had, same here with me but freaked out and threw it away. Link to comment
DN Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Have you had an argument or disagreement recently? What was your reaction when he talked about getting a mortgage together - did you agree, were you enthusiastic or what? Has anything recently happened at work or with his friends? Has he met your family - and if so, what is their dynamic? If not - why not? Has he any family at all that he does get on with? Link to comment
Chantastic Posted June 19, 2009 Author Share Posted June 19, 2009 I have had a brief convasation with him about why he felt trapped, he didnt really give a clear answer to that either just that he felt like he had to worry about me and felt guilty if he went out with his friends and i wasnt doing anything. Ive never told him cant go out though or do whatever he wants to do, and i go out with my friends plenty enough. I dont know whether also he felt like id invaded his space as the flat was his before and then i moved into it. A few days after we split up his boss said to him that her husband is looking for someone like him to work in london for him for much better pay than his is on now and he used that as an example to me and said if he was with me he would have turned that down but now he has that oppurtunity open to him, he said he just feels his life could take any direction now where as before his life was laid out? Link to comment
Pixiedoc Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Well, that's quite a selfish perspective - there are lots of options if he got a job offer, he could move, you could stay in the flat until you got something there, he would have to find somewhere to stay in London anyway. Yet he would prefer to let you go. It sounds like he's making excuses for why he wants to end it rather than there being genuine reasons, I'm so sorry to hear this as it means he's probably made up his mind. I still think it's worth having a proper sit-down conversation with him to be sure if you can. Link to comment
Chantastic Posted June 19, 2009 Author Share Posted June 19, 2009 In reply to your post DN, we had had no arguements what so ever recently i think our last argument must have been about 4 or so months ago. regarding the mortgage i was enthusiastic yeah and we looked into how much we could borrow etc all seemed great. He met my family ages ago and got on with them great and the only family he has now is his adoptive dad, who raised him on his own from the age of 9 but he's away in australia at the moment so he hasnt spoken to him recently. Link to comment
DN Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Well, I am sorry to say this but I think that if someone really loves you they will make all sorts of sacrifices to be with you. For whatever reason he just isn't and giving up his personal space and ability to do what he wants without considering someone else is more important that keeping you by his side. As hard as it is to accept I think you should. It will be tough to do but you need to take the time to heal and move on without him. Link to comment
toni2007 Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 My ex boyfriend did the something very similar. Unfortunately he realized that he had made a mistake, came back, we got back together and then a year later out of nowhere he did the same thing AGAIN. He told me he had made me the center of his world and that he missed his friends, etc. TWO days before he broke up with me he was talking marriage, mortgage, etc then just dumped me! Be careful with your ex because he will realize that he had a good life with you and will start looking for you, wanting to be your friend and trying to see you. Men with commitment issues are wishy washy and they don't know what they want and can't commit to anything (not even the break up) so he may change his mind, when he comes back it'll be up to you to say GOOD-BYE! Link to comment
Chantastic Posted June 19, 2009 Author Share Posted June 19, 2009 Thanks for all your comments guys i know he is being very selfish but then he said it would be selfish of me to try and keep him in the relationship he doesnt want to be in at the moment. I do think he is making excuses but i think its because he doesnt seem to know what he wants. We have a holiday booked and paid for in september which we need to sort out and we also bought a cat together who i miss dearly but i couldnt take him home with me I know i need to just move on and try and think positivly but its just hard. Link to comment
In the Dark Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Well from my experience this can go for females too. Like for instance, ones brought up and not being free. Going from not being able to do anything due to parents, to not being able to do anything in a confined, abusive relationship, to a few months down the track realizing the relationship with the perfect guy was bad timing becasue they still haven't been able to just be free and be a retard. Complications like that can lead to thoughts of commitment issues. Link to comment
DN Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 I don't think he is being selfish. He is being honest about his feelings and it would not serve either of you for him to pretend to want to be with you when he does not. I think he handled it very badly but that is not the same thing. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 I don't think he is being selfish. He is being honest about his feelings and it would not serve either of you for him to pretend to want to be with you when he does not. I think he handled it very badly but that is not the same thing. I agree. I think you are handling this very well and I am so sorry for your pain. I cannot help but wonder how old you both are? It sounds like he feels like he hasn't experienced enough in life yet. Here is the thing about commitment issues in a guy. I genuinely can believe that there are commitmentphobes who are wishy washy about everything. I also believe often what it comes down to is that people take a look at their life and decide if they love you enough to make whatever situation arises work with you. It sounds like he's been thinking about this for a while and really tried to talk himself into it, but the more he did that the more he felt trapped by the mortgage and the living together (which can be really tough on people before you have decided to commit to each other say through marriage or whatnot). I am so sorry for this occurrance. I also would not be surprised if after a little 'freedom' he came right back. Then you will need to decide if you trust him again. Best of luck to you dear. I know this hurts. Link to comment
Chantastic Posted June 19, 2009 Author Share Posted June 19, 2009 Yes this maybe the case also we are quite young, im 22 hes nearly 24 so that could be an element. I know im only young but i really thought he would be the one i spent my life with out of all my partners i have been with before no-one seemed to understand me like he did, and ive never been so open with someone. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 I understand. And it sounds like he simply wasn't ready. Feeling trapped, wanting independence, the hallmarks of someone who fears that they may be missing out with a commitment. Link to comment
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