New Guy

[dikaia880]

No Spatz...it has nothing to do with the other day...

 

She simply hopes your okay!

 

the more I think about this, the more i doubt she saw you...

 

Don't ask her if it was her you saw the other day....Just tell her you saw her the other day...feel the reaction listen to the answer...but don't read into it beyond normal means.

[spatzcolumbo]

Thanks Dikaia,

 

But i am too wise to listen to too many positives from posters on the board - the fact still remains it probably WAS her i saw, and in my eyes, it probably WAS a comment directed at that situation. That is the best way i can look at it - then if i discover otherwise, i can be shocked and happy!!

 

It is the kind of thing she has said before recently, but it just seems like one of those kinda things you say when you know someone has just seen something that probably will have hurt them.

[majord23]

Cheers Majord,

 

Boy am i glad you're online tonight!!!

 

I replied: "no worries...good luck...call me sometime x"

 

Hope this is ok. Maybe i shouldn't have put the call me sometime bit, but i guess now its in her court.

 

Just wish i knew about the 'hope ur ok x' comment...im sure that sounds like the kinda of thing someone might say after the events of the other day!!

 

Reading too much into this as usual!!!

 

No need to thank me spatz.

 

Your text was perfect mate....and yes, you have left it in her court. You can now rest easy as far as the next move....she has to make it.

 

Don't read anything into the 'hope ur ok'....you wouldn't have given it a second thought a couple of days ago so don't analyse it now. And, even taking the other day into account,...I honestly don't think it's related.

 

Try to get a good nights' sleep tonight spatz (easy to say I know). But if you're tired, you'll feel down emotionally and things will seem alot worse.

 

There's nothing else you can do at the moment except wait, and prepare for 'the talk'. Imagine every eventuality....and imagine the coolest way you can react to each of those eventualities.

 

Confidence is *your* weapon....don't arm her with any!

 

She is a person spatz, she is no better than you and she is no more powerful than you. She has insecurities, just as you do and she has the ability to be hurt by you, just as she has the ability to hurt you. This is a 2-way street mate....

[spatzcolumbo]

Seriously Majord, and Dikaia, i DO owe you for tonight - you've been online for ages walking me through my crazy thoughts, and i do appreciate it like mad...

 

and you are TOTALLY right about the sleep - last few nights have been shocking - last night i was awake at every hour from 3 til 7 - wake up, slep for a bit, wake up, sleep, etc etc. Made me feel shocking at work today about this whole thing.

 

I at least feel i have made steps, and i made them without being at all needy or putting accross any emotional vibes. Which is what i should be aiming for i think???

 

much easier on text tho!!

 

Just gotta work on the possibility of still meeting withher, and how that will go. The fact remains, it may still have been her the other day. Just gotta prepare myself in every way!!

 

CHeers once again guys, you're greath help.

 

Spatz

[dikaia880]

Cheer up bud, this will all get better eventually....

I hate to keep beating the positives into you, but one thing to remember when you're expecting the worst, that will show...it will come through showing a lack of confidence and a neediness....things we all want to avoid.

 

Get some sleep and at least think of some of the positives...

[Beec]

hhhhmmmm, let's see, a lot has gone on here, and I have not read it, but saw myself quoted.

 

Yes, I think nothing about the game plan changes, so long as you are of the same attitude.

 

You remember my post on Security Tennis when determined might have gone to party where his ex and her current might be. Yes, my idea about being nice to him is how I would play it and how I would try to if I was spatz.

 

When you get into trying to find out if they are dating someone else, fishing around, calling ans asking, and even NC, you show that they got to you. NC is the least damaging thing to do, but actual contact when done well is the best thing. Actually pulling off the act like nothing bothered you and you are solid, but maybe still interested, that's the move. But it is oh so hard a move to do.

 

Spatz was disappointed and a bit emotional about it yesterday. You cannot pull it off in that state. I've done it, most of us would do it and will do it again. But if you see the game, you implant your toe in your seat when yousee what you have done.

 

So the game doesn't chane. Still be nice, friendly, give the emotional fulfillment and remain aloof. If you cannot pull that off, stay away.

[spatzcolumbo]

Well guys,

 

I guess i now have to sit and wait after the messages of last night!!

 

Still have no idea how i'm planning on playing this one - still have no idea whats going on really!!

[spatzcolumbo]

Guys, feel free to ignore this if you're not interested - i just need to dump whats in my head.

 

Last night was hard for me. But only because of the confusion, and the weight of things on my mind (things other than just my ex, but mainly brought to the surface by my ex). Getting to the point of actually calling her and leaving a message, and then getting a message in reply really made me feel a hell of a lot better. WHich is stupid, as the message was a 'nothing', meaningless message. There was nothing in it. But the fact that she even replied really meant something to me.

 

What i have found hardest over the last week is the swinging from high to low on this. I have had reasons to be SO positive, and have then seemingly plunged into the depths of negativeness. I find no middle ground.

 

I was feeling fine today, but thinking about last night a lot. It got worse as the day progressed, mainly because i am just waiting to hear from her, and am finding it SO hard to just sit here. I want to know now whether it WAS her i saw the other day. I want to know whether she HAS met someone else. Yet i know that this 'game' requires me to wait. Which just makes me sick. Sure i am having a negative day, but this game just makes me sick sometimes.

 

I want to find out where i stand. I want to tell her all the ways she has hurt me. I want to say that even though she has hurt me, that i would still do ANYTHING for her. I want to explain to her all the ways i love her, and care for her. But the game tells me i can't. So i have to sit here and bottle it all up, and i'm sure its not healthy for a person to do that.

 

I want her there to be able to listen to the other problems i have. I want to listen to her little problems. The trouble she has had at uni this year, i feel she is SO badly dying to tell me about them. It feels like that. The way we always used to tell each other everything.

 

I feel like i don't want to wait around anymore. I want to call her and sort out a meeting. Something that will sort my head out. But i know that after that meeting, no matter how it goes, will come another day like this one, where i end up feeling down about things.

 

I just needed to get that stuff off my chest guys. Probably post more soon.

[GeeCee]

And Spatz, this is the best place to get it off your chest.

 

G xx

[spatzcolumbo]

...I texted her today because the semi final of the FA Cup is on, and we went to it together last year...so i thought it would bring up a good memory. She replied immediately, and we had a little text convo...which has resulted in me asking her if she still fancied watching some friends sometime. She said yes definitely, so now i have to decide whether to call her and ask her for tonight...then i might find out about the other day and whether it WAS her or not!!!

 

Arrrrghhhh.

 

Alternatively i could ask her on the phone if i call her in a minute!!

 

HELP

[majord23]

Hey spatz!

This is a tough one bro.

I don't want to give you advice as such, but I will tell you what I would be very tempted to do:

 

You're feeling like you are hanging by a thread, because you don't have the answer to one *vital* question....and you aren't entirely sure when you will get *that* answer.

It's a horrible feeling, I know.

 

*I* would be tempted to call her and ask her directly....and if it goes to voicemail, leave a message asking her to call you back straight away.

 

When we talked, I would ask "I need to know, are you seeing someone else?"....if she answered yes, I would say "Ok, that's fine....I really think its best if we don't keep in touch" and leave it at that...minimal discussion, no emotional talk....just terminate the call as soon as possible.

 

That is what *I* would do.

 

From my point of view, I would want her to feel the pain of losing me....to face the realisation that she can't have me *and* a BF in her life at the same time and that it is non-negotiable.

 

In my opinion, she needs a shake-up....a *real* shake-up - it will hurt her spatz, it will make her think about if she wants you back and it will also put you out of your misery and allow you to move on...or move back with her.

 

Like I say....it may be completey wrong....but I have been in your position, and if I had my time over again...knowing what I know....it is exactlt what I would do.

[spatzcolumbo]

....Guys...

 

here is the situation...I've only just read your advice Majord, but unfortunately already made the move before i read it!!

 

I basically asked her whether she still wanted to watch some stuff sometime, and she said sure, so i've now left a message saying how about tonight. That was only about 5 minutes ago, so i'm waiting for the reply!!

 

I figured that what i am gonna have to do here is try and relax - enjoy watching Friends with her, maybe have a glass of wine to help me relax. If i can manage to have a good evening with her, then tahts all good. I'm sure the other day will come up at some point - tho i'm not sure when. I want to try and avoid asking until the end of the night, and then perhaps bring it up. I figured this because if i can pull it off, i can show her what a great time we have together, and then maybe it will end by me saying maybe its best that i don't see you anymore. Although quite how i will say this i'm not sure.

 

Anyway thats my plan so far!!!

[majord23]

Sounds like a good plan spatz.

 

If you can stay strong and have a fun, light-hearted evening with her that would be ideal....before springing 'the question'.

 

Look at it from a worst case scenario spatz (her answer), and prepare your reaction. Think of the exact words you want to say... and stick to them.

As I've said before, you have an advantage as you are able to prepare and compose yourself before facing her.

 

If she chooses not to meet up tonight, you then have to decide if you want to tough it out for a while longer or do it over the phone :s

 

Let's hope she says yes.

[majord23]

.....and then maybe it will end by me saying maybe its best that i don't see you anymore. Although quite how i will say this i'm not sure.

 

Something like this bro....not spiteful, just telling it like it is.

 

"I guess there was a part of me that thought we may get back together at some stage, but I can see that I was wrong. I think it's best if we stay out of each others' lives so that we can both move on. It's not that I don't care for you....it's actually *because* of how much I care for you that I have to do this."

[spatzcolumbo]

Doh,

 

Majord, you are not going to be happy with me...i just came online a few moments ago and she was also online - first time in ages she's been online.

 

Anyway, i mentioned that i just sent her a text about tonight, and she said she had not yet got it. So i said about he coming over, and she said "well i would like to yes, if you are ok with things"

 

I said that i really enjoyed lunch last week, and then stupid stupid stupid i said "hey by the way was it you i saw walking down the avenue the other day? I couldn't quite tell"

 

To which she replied "Possibly".

 

Doh. I wasn't even planning on asking - it just kinda fell out onto my keyboard and typed it!!!

 

Anyway, i said "just let me know about later" and she said "well i'll say yes, but will call later to check what time, etc"

 

So i guess i am still semi sticking to the plan. Just guess i have to make sure i don't mention the other day again too soon - but still make sure i say it. I don't think i completely blew it - because i was quite casual about it. But the other comment about "if you are ok with things" suggests it probably was her.

 

ALso her lack of saying "yes" or "no".

 

Hmmmm. GOtta get myself sorted.

[majord23]

I can't see why I wouldn't be happy with you mate?

 

I think it's safe to assume that it *was* her the other night...the "if you are ok with things" suggests that she is assuming you know about there being someone else in her life.

 

Ok, so she comes over....obviously, as you said, don't jump into the heavy stuff too soon....she is coming over for a relaxing evening and not an interrogation.

 

Your plan hasn't changed really spatz...you haven't blown anything at all. I'm not sure why you think you might have to be honest?

 

She terminated the relationship....tonight, you have to make it clear that you are saying no to friendship. No begging, pleading, "I love you" or "I miss you" (I know you know all of this already, just reinforcing it mate).

 

Be calm, tell her why you can't stay in her life....wish her luck, thank her for a nice night and (if you feel like it) as a parting statement say "I hope you know what you're doing".

 

Be strong mate, you'll be better off for it if you can.

[majord23]

By the way spatz, if she is anything like any girl that I know ( ), she will ask "If you do't wnat to be my friend, why did you invite me around toinght?"

 

Simply tell her that you wanted to see her one last time....make sure you use the word "last".

 

She is in for a shock mate....if anything I think your conversation on messenger is a good thing...I think that maybe she will assume that you are going to be 'OK' with the fact that she has a BF and are willing to carry on 'business as usual'.

 

Tonight, give her a surprise.

[spatzcolumbo]

Well then if nothing has changed re the plan, i guess i go ahead as i was going to.

 

I'm really not sure i am ready to say goodbye to her for good, Just when i thought i was getting somewhere. I will find it VERY hard to do.

 

I really wanted there to be another way.

 

I suppose i will just see how things are tonight.

 

Wish me luck everyone, i have a feeling i will need it!!!

[spatzcolumbo]

Majord,

 

i was thinking of having the chat with her based on the premise that i wanted to 'give it one last chance to see if we could get on with things as usual'.

 

I was thinking of saying about how far i have come in the months since we split, and that i truly felt good about us again - either as friends or more, but that perhaps having seen her, and him, it is in my best interests to call it a day.

 

Tho to be honest, still not sure i am ready to tell her that.

 

Do i have to mean it, or is it just another start of no contact??

 

Tricky.

 

She has seemed genuinely pleased that we have been contacting each other again!!

[majord23]

 

I'm really not sure i am ready to say goodbye to her for good, Just when i thought i was getting somewhere. I will find it VERY hard to do.

 

It's not easy bro. Say 'Goodbye forever' to her, but think (in the back of your mind) that you'll call her in a couple of months. What is important here is that she *believes* that it is goodbye forever. She has to believe that she is losing your forever....that is one card you still have up your sleeve mate. Use it.

[spatzcolumbo]

Spatz:

 

Tho to be honest, still not sure i am ready to tell her that.

 

Do i have to mean it, or is it just another start of no contact??

 

Right, so your last post (we both posted at EXACTLY the same time again) kinda suggests that i just have to at the very least MAKE her think this is it.

 

I know she is back for 4 months at the end of May, so that is as good a time as any to aim for - and its my birthday a few days after she is back too, so maybe it would be interesting to see if she gets me anything. Anyway, long time off, i need to concentrate on tonight.

 

her lasting memory MUST be one of me being happy, funny, and fun to be with. And she MUST have a good time and not feel pressured. That way it leaves that lingering last bit of doubt in her mind. Which is what i need to be there for her to stew on if things go wrong with the new guy!!

[Out to sea]

Again Majord23 as in GEECEE's post I agree 100% with you. As I was telling you during the week Spatz, give her the feeling that you are gone for ever. She needs to get that fright. She may be there tonight with you and thinking that she is happy to be friends to you and going out with this other guy. But by you saying goodbye, she could wake up tomorrow and think ' this isn't what I want, I don't want to lose Spatz over this guy'.

 

Point is even she doesn't know how she'd feel, until it actually happens, you have been there for her since the start, at the end of the phone, all she had to do was pick it up and you'd come running. She has not had to think that you weren't there. She has done everytrhing, including meeting this guy under your emotional umbrella. So taking it away is what COULD change the game completely.

 

People usually don't make major decisions, unless they feel they have too.

 

Again, only my 2 cents worth.

[majord23]

 

Right, so your last post kinda suggests that i just have to at the very least MAKE her think this is it.

 

Exactly right spatz.

 

You have to make her believe that this is it.

You will feel like hell at the end of the night, you will want to take what you have said back and you will feel like you want to have her in your life in some capacity.

 

If you go back on what you say tonight (too soon), she will get the impression that you are playing games, that you are unstable with regards to your feelings for her etc.

It will then kick off a cycle of you contacting, and then breaking off contact....and it will go on for months before you realise that you have gained nothing.

 

As you have said, tonight is about her seeing you as the funny, caring guy she fell in love with....give her a taste of what she is missing out on. And then remove it from her life completely.

 

Make no mistake about it. This will hurt her and it will shock her....especially now that she *slightly* suspects that she may be able to keep you in her life with her BF.

 

You have the power tonight spatz, don't forget that mate. You have faced the worst case scenario face-to-face and you are going to walk out ahead.

 

She will be the one with the dilemma after tonight, not you...she will be wondering whether she is doing the right thing. You can go to bed tonight knowing that you have done everything you can to make it work.....she will be wondering if she did enough.

 

Heading out now mate....best of luck and let us know how things go.

[spatzcolumbo]

Cheers guys,

 

its time to psych myself up, and decide whether wine will be a good idea or not!!

 

Of course she may still call up and cancel, but i have to work on the premise that its going ahead!!!

 

SCARED AS HELL!!!

 

Cheers

[Beec]

OK, I big time disagree with majord.

 

I'm for pulling back on the contact, if spatz needs to do that. I'm not for cutting the cord.

 

I think spatz best bet is to seem the bigger man, seem like he can still be a friendly guy, etc. If he pulls this move, it looks like all that stiff with the CD and stuff was all jsut a ploy. Maybe it was, but it should not be seen as such.

 

I would still want to be the guy who keeps in contact and upon occasion fill some need. I'd also be out there dating, so maybe she will think she will lose what spatz does.

 

Big warning, this is a tough game to play.