She pushes me away, when do I give up?

[Sn0man]

Hi there

 

This could be quite long, so bear with me:

 

I have been seeing this girl for about three weeks. At the beginning, everything was great. We spent alot of time together, talked on the phone everyday, she would come over to my place after work and we went on dates frequently. From the beginning I told her that I wasn't interested in a short term thing (Reason: Recently was broken up with by ex-fiance and not interested in BS casual stuff, which I also told new g/f), and recently I told her that I really liked her

 

Question: Is that a sign that i'm on the rebound???? If it is, I can see why she would push me away. Hmmmm

 

It seemed quite blatantly that she liked me alot too because she calls often and likes to spend time with me. In the short few weeks we have known each other, we have gone on probably a dozen dates and travelled together.

 

But lately, things are changing (or so they seem). We still talk all the time, and I still take her out lots, but it feels different. She doesn't try to see me as much as she did when we first got together, and apparently she's not interested in anything to do with commitment (?) [i thought it was women who were the ones always looking for commitment; am I weird or somethin? lol].

 

She seems to like me as much as I like her but maybe she's just confused or something. She also said that she has a month or so to decide whether or not she will leave.

 

She is still trying to see me away from my place (as in out for dinner, out with her friends, out with my friends), but isn't showing the same kind of interest as at the beginning.

 

I don't know if any of you can make sense of this, I know I can't.

 

My question is this:

 

1) Did I tell her I liked her alot too soon, and perhaps she is scared?

2) Why would she be interested in seeing me all the time but not interested in long term? (Or did I make the mistake of bringing that up too soon?)

 

3) Is this a relationship worth persuing, or should I turn and run? My instincts are leaning towards run, especially with the ex after me, but who knows.

 

Im really stuck here so any opinions will carry their weight in gold.

 

Thanks

[dikaia880]

Here's my two cents...take it for what it's worth...about two gumballs.

Don't get needy...it will drive her away...read Majord's feeding the bird story...she's not your ex from what I can tell, but Majord's analogy is perfect for the situation

[Beec]

OK, first thing you need to do: BACK OFF.

 

When you give someone affections and love and caring in the same amount day after day and are always with them, then your affection and love and caring becomes old, stale, boring. And the person you were giving it to look elsewhere.

 

We fall in love with the people who meet our emotional needs while not being needy themselves. So that means we fall for those who gie us emotional fulfillment, who make us feel special, and remain aloof and independent.

 

If you meet her emotional needs, then withdraw, she will come after you, so backoff. Instead os being steady in how you treat her, oscillate, soemtimes caring and affectionate, cometimes aloof.

[Sn0man]

Truly great advice. I was thinking the same thing myself, but because she was always trying to spend time with me it became a little confusing. I haven't called her for 2 days so far...just riding it out, so we'll se how it goes...

 

Anyone else have any opinions? I'd love to hear them

[Sn0man]

OK, So I haven't called her for 2 days. Apparently that did something, because she just called asking why I haven't called her, and asked me to come out with her friends on 2 occasions this week, to which I replied "perhaps". (which I would usually be saying "see you then")

 

Now I need to ask...how far do I go with the backing off thing. Do I pass on her reqest for me to come out with her for a couple of days? Keep in mind that I dont want to distance myself too much, just want to give her some space i guess.

 

What do you think???

[Beec]

SnOman,

 

That's tough to answer. You have to got know your woman.

 

Also, you should realize that this is not something to do for this week or this month. This is something to do all the time. Take her up, turn her on, make her feel great, and then . . . withdraw. Repeat in varying intervals over the rest of your time together. You need to play her to figure out the right intervals. Also realize, you want to give her increasingly bigger highs and lower lows.

[sweetharmony]

i don't agree with beec- the bigger highs and the bigger lows. that's just games, and soon whe will tire of them quickly. who wants to play games forever? who wants to be in constant worry about where your relationship stands. I think that yes, in the beginning, everyone plays the little dating game. you don't want to seem needy or too into the other person- that scares them away, but you also don't want to drive them away by being too aloof. there's that balance of space. but that shouldn't alst forever. once you are in a committed relationship, then those games should sop yu should feel comfortable to call whenever and not worry about the other person thinking you're too into them. if at that point, they feel that way, then they're not meant for you. i think this girl is confused right now for a combination of reasons.

 

A. you just recently got out of an engagement. i don't know what happened, but yeah, this girl may be afraid she's the rebound. i would be so hesitant as to get into a relationship with a guy who was just recently in one with another- esp. if it was such a committed one like an engegment- we're talking big time there. people usually need a cooling off time to heal from such a breakup and they're not sure what they want. theya re still going through emotions, even if they were the ones doing the breaking up.

B. she's not happy in the town you guys live and she's thinking of moving somewhere else, perhaps she is afraid of getting emotionally involved b/c she might be leaving. that can be very difficult. she's sorting through life decisions right now and is trying to assess the best situation for her. if she's leaving, then why would she want to get emotionally involved. it seems as if at first she was seeing whether or not your relationshsip may determine her choice, by spending a lot of time with you. perhaps she's thinking more rationally now.

 

it seems as if she really likes you, but is confused about your feelings for her and her choices of moving or not.

 

i would give her space to make the decision on her own. take things slowly and show interest, but don't be too clingy. that's definitely a turn-off. but don't play too many games with her heart. don't make her feel low at times and completely hight the next. i've been through that long ago (for the entire duration of a relationshsip) and i had enough- it was emotional abuse and i couldn't take it. i learned my lesson and that wasn't healthy. i was n a 4year relationship with someone that started very sowly and grew into something beautiful- like best friends- the games only last so long.

 

the best thing to do is give her some space and if she's still acting the same way and when you feel comfortable, communicate with her. don't be too open, but express your concerns about her behavior.

 

and my question is, how long has it been since the breakuo of you and your feancee? did you give yourself time to heal. after i ended my 4 year relationship, i thought i could go out and date right away. i was swallowed in a relationship s quickly- i thought this person was the one and i was numb to the fact that i broke up w/ my best friend of 4 years. i didn't give myself time to heal. i thought i was okay with it, until several months later, the initial excitment of the new guy wore off, and i started feeling the repercussions and i knew it was rebound.

 

take things slowly, let it evolve naturally and don't throw your heart into too quickly. be cautious.

[Beec]

 

i don't agree with beec- the bigger highs and the bigger lows. that's just games, and soon whe will tire of them quickly. who wants to play games forever?

 

 

The games change, and you don't play them all the time, but yes, I think even when you are married, you need to play games with your spouse.

 

I've seen too many couples who lose interest and take each other for granted. I've seen others whose games stop, and the relationship goes into a nose dive. The best ones I've seen are where the games never end, even when the couple does not recognize that they are playing them.

 

I am going to play.

[Sn0man]

You should know, i'm not playing games with this girl. She knows I like her; I have told her as much. She does however seem adamant on moving, something i'm afraid isn't going to change, no matter how the relationship goes. The reason I say that is; if she was testing the waters, so to speak, to see if this relationship was worth sticking around for, she wouldn't be pushing me away as much. (Even though, granted, she is still calling and making arrangements to see me). Problem is, when we do get together, it's not the same as when it all first began.

 

That said, I am wondering what you meant when you said "perhaps she is thinking more rationally now". What do you mean by that exactly?

 

Lastly, and to be completely honest in this post, I must say, I have an opportunity to start over with the ex. She has agreed to move back to my city while I finish university

 

Problem at hand: My new girlfriend entices me; i care for her deeply, if she were to give me just a hint that this relationship could go further, that she might stay for just a chance, maybe i'd just give it a shot.

 

Im not sure that relationship problems can get more complicated than the one i'm in now. Torn between with 2 women, they both are wonderful, caring, kind, beautiful

 

I would love to hear from anyone with any sort of opinion on this. Am I wrong to be thinking of going back to the ex? Is my new girlfriend worth giving up an opportunity for? Do I give the new g/f a shot and tell the ex to take a hike?

[GeeCee]

Sn0man

 

Have to be honest - have only managed to skim your thread - running busy at the moment. I can, however, see that you are incredibly confused. Do I believe that you can be in love with two people at once - absolutely!!!

 

So what to do? You have got to get some kind of clarity in your mind. YOu cannot play one woman against the other - it is not that simplistic. I would think tha tyou need to focus on the current woman - she is with you now and until really recently you were considering a future. Remember all the time that the ex left you for her reasons - have those reasons gone away.

 

I think that you HAVE TO COMMUNICATE with the current woman. You have to know what her thoughts are for the future.

 

Do this now.

 

G xx

[Sn0man]

But after only 3 weeks together, isn't that too soon to be communicating about our futures? I would think that would send her running away screaming! Or am I wrong? I don't pretend to know women. In fact, i'll be the first to admit that I know NOTHING about them. Hence my confusion.

 

Thoughts?

[dikaia880]

I'd be hesitant to say you love your new girl...thats pretty quick...now

 

I could be way off...

 

If you love them both, you need to decide which one is in it for the long term...which one fits your ideals and needs better...which one are you more compatible with?

 

Why is your ex, your ex? what happened there?

[dikaia880]

I'd be hesitant to say you love your new girl...thats pretty quick...now

 

I could be way off...

 

If you love them both, you need to decide which one is in it for the long term...which one fits your ideals and needs better...which one are you more compatible with?

 

Why is your ex, your ex? what happened there?

[Sn0man]

Pretty quick, yes. But she's pretty great too.

 

Compatible with: Both

Fits my needs and ideals: Both

Long term: Tough question...One, with the possibility of both.

 

I don't think im going to find any easy answers here. This is just something i'm going to have to let happen on it's own i think. So I guess i'll just ride it out and hope for the best.

 

As for the ex, that one was my own fault. Im not a great communicator in relationships. Something fo me to work on

[Sn0man]

Deleted

[ziggystar]

it seems as if you've transferred your need of a long term relationship over to the new gf. it would seem a little frightening to her since you hardly know each other. it's like arbitrarily picking someone to be the chairman of your company. it's a heavy thing to commit to right away. she might also feel that she's being objectified.