The bigger the crush, the better the relationship?

[princesa]

I have been dating someone for about 6 months now - long distance. We've been in touch daily, and whenever we've met, I think it's been wonderful. It's been always me visiting him, though, also because it's been workwise so much easier for me to visit him. I truly thought we had a great relationship until a couple of days ago, when insisting on him FINALLY to come to visit me, he sounded hesitant and finally admitted he wasn't that crazy about me - yes, he did like me lots and yes, he thinks our relationship is in all ways and senses brillant, BUT for one reason or another he's just not in love (we've all heard this, haven't we...).

 

OK - it hurt like hell.

 

I was very very understanding, because I CAN in fact understand he has felt differently and more strongly before, so have I, and I explained to him that I had had terrible crushes before and with all the wrong men and the relationships went terribly wrong from the start. He admitted his huge crushes in the past always ended up breaking his heart, too. In fact, myself I have made a choice myself not to fall for these types anymore - I'd much more pay attention to how we really get along, how well does the daily life work, how much do we have in common, how great is the sex, how well do we make each other feel...I personally think all this weighs more than just being head over heels in love. I'm not saying I can live in a relationship without love, of course there must be some mutual devotion and affection, but I don't think stable relationships are made of extreme crush. That's "ephemeral" anyway, isn't it?

 

So I truly thought we had something long-lasting going on, I was basically ready to think about moving together or at least closer to each other. I spent a couple of longer terms with him, so we got to taste the daily life together, and we really enjoyed each other's company and I would say the relationship was everything I always wanted. Especially I didn't feel any slave to love or like I was "losing my mind" over somebody, I simply fell in love with his characteristics that I think go well with mine. I think we could make each other happy, in fact I thought I was doing it.

 

And now the thing is that he apparently agrees with me about how our relationship has been, BUT he j-u-s-t doesn't feel "enough". This naturally makes me feel horrible, it literally kicks my self-esteem as low as it can get. Luckily I have great friends to assure me there is nothing wrong with me, in fact I think I could be his or anybodys dream girlfriend. But I just gather from his "not-crushed-enough"-talks that I'm not beautiful enough or something...or how do you get a man to fall in love with you? I've done everything I can, and that's lots!!!

 

Besides, how come I didn't have the feeling he wasn't crushed! Especially in the beginning when we only met weekends, I had the feeling he was really all over me and he has also all the time been telling me how much he misses me. I guess the novelty just wore off too quickly and he'd rather be in the state of total crush all the time.

 

The funny thing in all this is, that I know both of us really really want to have a commitment and settle down. He's greatest dream is to have someone to love and a family. I guess it just has to be someone reaaaaaally pretty so that he can have that initial crush. Or maybe - even though he's looking for a commitment - he just isn't ready for a commitment. We are both way over 30 years and we've had several relationships, very long and short, passionate ones.

 

Here I am now, confused. I believe we really could have had a "mature", happy relationship. But now I feel like it's all gone...What do you think? Obviously, even though he didn't want to break up radically, I said to him I cannot be his stand-by-long-distance-girlfriend while he's waiting for a big crush to appear!! I've left him alone and I'm trying hard your "no contact"-rules - I do think, too, that I would only lose my self-respect by calling and begging him to see the advantages of our relationship. This is day 3, I'm alive, but it hurts...

 

I would like to read opinions and advices from those who have had similar experiences. Do you think it's worth waiting for a crush to come if you have found something in your opinion very good? Do you think I should "fight" for this relationship as I think this is something really good, or should I try to forget? Do you think eventually "no contact" might work in our case?

 

In the end I guess if he doesn't change his mind, I just have to accept. But I won't accept the idea that the bigger the crush the better the relationship and the rest of your life.

 

Thanks for reading this and thanks in advance for any help at all.

 

Princesa

[TMA68]

8)

[SmintyMinty]

I've had a similar experience too...it's painful and totally kicks your self-esteem to the kerb. I was with this guy for 5 months and in the beginning he chased me and I wasn't all that interested but he started to grow on me and I began to fall for him. On the weekends when we met he'd be all over me and we were very intense and passionate with each other.

 

He broke up with me as he said he didn't think his love for me was enough and he still felt tempted to be with other girls. I gradually got to realising that it's nothing to do with me - there's nothing wrong with you! You can't make people love you and they either fall in love with you or don't. I don't think it's as simple as having a "crush" on someone being the main focus of a relationship either. My ex said he was looking for the "spark" or x-factor and there was something with me but he didn't feel it was enough. He said he couldn't be committed to be while he still felt temptation or give me the love, happiness and commitment I deserved. He told me I would feel happier after he left and would feel a weight off my shoulders and it was true. It hurt like mad at first and I felt numb with the pain for the first week or so but I'm still here. We had a long-distance relationship too and that didn't help us to get close or get to know each other better. I did more for him than he ever did for me - I did most of the travelling up to see him, organised stuff to do. Everything I did was to try to please him and make him love me to the point where I almost felt like I disappeared. In the end it didn't work. It just wasn't there for him and I let him go...my advice is to move on..find someone who will love you as you are and why do you want to stay with someone who doesn't love you anyway!??

 

There is NOTHING wrong with you and you deserve much better! I can say that it does get better and it's best to be out of a relationship that causes you pain and sadness. Take time to find yourself do what makes you happy and never let your self-esteem rely on what he thinks of you!

[princesa]

Thank you so much for your answers - your experiences sound exactly like mine! It's good to know somebody else has been through this as well and survived - ok, I never think I'm the only one but when you're so deep you just think the weight of the whole world is only on you...

 

You're right: I definitely deserve something much better. Even though I thought he was the best I can get because we seem to be so compatible, if it's not his love, I'm not willing to take anything less from him. His loss, anyways.

 

Of course I keep on hoping he'd change his mind and see what he has lost - according to your experience, how long does this stage last? But in the meantime, I try to make new plans, treat myself like a princess, let myself to be comforted,etc. I guess I'm just old enough not to let my self-esteem to rely on him.

 

Thanks anyways for those comments. For any further chat feel free to contact me.

 

princesa

[jasminebose]

Princesa,

I just wanted to tell you that you are not the only one with a view that love doesn't have to be about the strength of your initial crush. i think that long lasting love should be based on feelings of compatability, friendship and trust not those crazy 'i can't stop thinking about him even though he's bad for me' feelings!! I'm so glad someone else feels like that.

Having said that i married the man I felt real 'like' and trust with (not crazy, irrational passion) and i still sometimes think that maybe there's something missing. On balance I think the rational approach to love and men (i.e. would you want to be friends with him, is he kind, etc) is the best but I think it might take men more time to realise that crushes are not all they're cracked up to be!

Good luck

[princesa]

Jasminebose,

 

that's exactly how I meant it!!! It's the irrational passion that i think is no basis for a long-lasting relationship. Besides, when the crazyness is gone, what's left then? I do not mean that there shouldn' t be any affection, but if people only look for great, greater, the greatest passion, they'll be looking for something new ALWAYS. I think that's not settling for the second best, if you chose "wisely".

 

Anyways, I totally agree that nobody should be or even want to be with someone who doesn't feel the same way. I can't obviously "make" someone to fall in love with me and thereforeeee, in my case, I broke completely with him. But I still do think he made a mistake if his only reason for hesitating was that the irrational passion was missing. I think you only, ever, feel like that for one or two people in your lifetime - and usually for the wrong!!!!

 

You seem to be so much younger than me, sill, congrats for thinking so "mature". And all the best luck in your relationship, just need to take care of it!!

 

Princesa

[jasminebose]

Hey Princesa,

We are soo right! I think your man (or maybe just men ingeneral) needs to realise that you can't chase after passion all your life and need to find some stability. I also totally agree with you about feeling the passion only occasionally and for the wrong person! My friend is in a relationship right now where she is hopelessly in love but the man treats her badly and has cheated on her. If she looked at relationships in a more rational way (like the rest of her life) then she would be a lot better off (in my humble opinion!!)

I think you have the right idea and I hope you find your price charming who is hopelessly passioante about you AND thinks you are a great match.

JZ