In-Laws

[Raoul]

My Mother-in-Law dropped by Friday along with one of her daughters. They do this from time to time. They want to stay close to our kids and are trying to 'include me in the family'. I do love these people. they've been part of my life for 28 years. 'Mom' said that she hopes that I can come to family events (this means where my wife and her boyfriend are) with other in-laws and cousins.

 

I said that this cannot happen. I will not go anywhere that my ex or her friend are, other than in passing. I will not tolerate the disrespect, lies to me and everyone she lied to (including her own family and her own mother) and wreckage that she and her jerk have wrought on our children, our family and my life. I won't miss milestone occasions. But I won't be hanging about for dinners, picnics etc.

 

My wife won't even acknowledge her actions, much less consider an apology. Without that, I have no use for her. You do not get to do things like this to our children or me with no consequences.

 

Both her mother and her sister told me that I may need to accept my wife's actions. They accept her and her affair partner (I do not consider him a man and have told them this several times).

 

I repeated that I do not have to accept this and will not. I am not to be treated this way by anyone.

 

The damage to my family, my children (much less me) has been awful and continues.

 

I know that 'blood is thicker than water' and get that they will line up with her and even her guy - yada, yada, yada. I thought I was being a person with values, standards and expectations. But they act like I should just get over it and hang out with them like nothing's happened. They cannot 'cast her out' and should not. But to just act like nothing happened that that we should "all just get along" is a bit much for me.

 

Am I being a putz about this? Somebody's crazed. With all I'm dealing with, it could be me. Help me out here. I need perspective.

 

Raoul

[OrangeMoon]

I totally understand where you are coming from..

 

I have been with someone for 12,5 years...he found someone immediatey after

 

However..his family has never been in touch with me and i have not seen any of them for over 5 years now.. I dont need to..but if you have been a part of so many people's life for that long it is kind off weird.

 

28 years is a very long time..especially if you had a great relationship with your in laws.

 

I do understand that you might not want to engage in contact with your ex-in laws..now..

 

You are still very hurt..but maybe in due time you are able to set some form of contact with all of them..even your ex..once all the pain has diminished and maybe when you have found new love yourself..

 

 

Dont let the anger you are feeling now..close the door on all the loving memories you had with your family..just because your ex did not believe in your relationship anymore..We are not all meant to last that long.

 

However..you will do that what comes naturally when you are ready..

 

Be gentle towards yourself and set healthy boundaries for now with your in laws..but dont close that door forever. The new boyfriend will never in a million years fill the shoes you have left behind...it is just different..that's all. I think that it will be even harder on him and your ex..than you..

 

Especially when you move on yourself and eventually find new love..

 

hugs and take care..

[FarthestEdge]

You are not being a putz.

 

That being said, you recognize that they are her family, and it's understandable that they feel compelled to forgive her and move on.

 

She is no longer your family, and ergo, you suffer no such burden.

 

I'd simply explain to them that while you welcome and appreciate their periodic presence in your life, and acknowledge that they need to have a continuing relationship with her, you will not send a message to your kids that what their mother did was ok, by pursuing any kind of post-marital friendship with her and her 'partner'.

 

You've 'accepted' her new life as much as you are willing to; You don't interfere, and you don't wish to have any unnecessary involvement in her new life.

 

If necessary, explain that being around her interferes with your efforts to build a new life for yourself, one which, by necessity must and will exclude her.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. But you need to do what's right for you and what your morals tell you are right. There's no reason you can't respectfully agree to disagree with them on this.

[Catdancer]

Talk about awkward....my bf's ex and their daughter live with his mom, his sister and brother. Usually for family events the ex doesnt come. Their child will come with us or her grandma, but the ex wont come.

 

I know that she is part of the family and she always will be. But I am now too.

 

I am dealing with the same but from your wife's boyfriend's perspective. I am still uneasy at times being around the family as I know the ex is very close with them all.

 

And after 2 years, the ex and I are able to tolerate each other. We can be civil while in public, and honestly we try not to be around each other.