Destinysdream Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 So I finally broke up with my "boyfriend." (we never told anyone and I never accepted that we were together) And He's on the phone sobbing for me not to do this and that he feels dead and paralyzed and he needs to see me NOW. My answer? no, No and No. Why? Because this has happened before, out of our 7 month college relationship (he's 22, I'm 19) I have been attempting to get out of this situation for 5 months. And Every time I do He weeps and says he'll be better and I feel pity for him and so he sticks around... La de da. He's been slightly violent once when I mentioned only a break before, he broke a pencil, stabbed me and scratched me with his nails, then took off my clothes and tried to have sex with me, [which felt like he was trying to rape me... I have told him numerous times that I Don't want Sex!!!] But usually he just can't stand the idea of me going away, although I told him from the beginning that I didn't want a relationship and couldn't commit. Don't get me wrong, I love him very much...I just don't want to be IN love with him. He's also a very Sweet guy, he's just in a rough spot in his life (theres been a lot of deaths latelyand he doesn't deal well...he's depressed and angry a lot, hence his neediness, not to mention his girlfriend of 5 years prior died in a car accident on the way to see him) So I finally got up enough strength to tell him that I want to end this, that I'm tired of depending on him for happiness and I want to find my own, he should too. I refused to let him come over because every time he did before he cried and I was afraid to let him drive home for his threats of suicide and depression and overall tiredness... and we didn't break up.. I can't stand hurting him, but for once in my life I need to do what I need. And I need to breathe, I don't want a relationship- I never did, and while I admit there were times that I acted otherwise, right now this is what I need. I can't be certain what I want for the future, whether or not I'll want him, someone or no one even. The only way I got him to hang up the phone was to assure him that I would meet with him later in the week and that I did in fact love him. However, I do not want to mess up what I've finally accomplished. My freedom and I also don't want to deepen his wound by seeing him before he's had a chance to recover. How can I stand my ground but make sure he's ok? He's still my best friend, but I can't stand to see him this pitiable. He needs a counselor, but has no money and perhaps no motivation to go. What can I do? Link to comment
CluelessGuy321 Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 The colleges should provide counsellings for free. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 What can I do? You tell him that his problems are too big for you and to seek medical advise. If he threatens suicide, you ring the police and have them check on him. What he is doing is the most pathetic kind of manipulation and you have to be really strong against it. He's been slightly violent once when I mentioned only a break before, he broke a pencil, stabbed me and scratched me with his nails, then took off my clothes and tried to have sex with me, [which felt like he was trying to rape me... I have told him numerous times that I Don't want Sex!!!] This concerns me massively. It felt like he was trying to rape you because he was. That's never ok and you need to keep away from him. Link to comment
surfNski Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 I know you love him and want the best for him but this guy has got bigger issues to deal with before he can be in any kind of healthy relationship. The longer you talk to him, message him, see him it will just make it worse for him and you. Just do everything you can to not have contact with him. Dont let him manipulate you into staying with him. My gf left me yesterday and every minute of the day I can feel the intense hurt she caused. But she didn't string me along nor did she try to "save" me. Just cut off all contact and in the end it will be better for the both of you. Good luck and take care... Link to comment
cafecomleite Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 Break it off with him completely. It's a bad relationship for you, and you're not helping him by encouraging his neediness. He will become stronger, but it'll take time. I agree that he needs to see a counselor/therapist, but if he doesn't want to go, that is on his shoulders, not yours. Link to comment
Keyman Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 To ensure that you hold your strength, take someone with you when you meet him. Unfortunately, this will mean disclosing what's been going on to someone else. If there is someone else there, he should be less tempted to cry, to manipulate or attempt to rape you again. Then, when you do see him, tell him straight up. No and to leave you alone. If he stalks you, get a restraining order. Fortify yourself better against him. Stop telling him you love him, stop even thinking that you love him, as this is not helping you at all. He's reading too much into it, and it is still connecting yourself to him. Push away all the nice things you remember about him, but just for now, until he is gone. And don't let him get you alone again. Link to comment
Sparkie Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 he's just in a rough spot in his life (there's been a lot of deaths lately and he doesn't deal well...he's depressed and angry a lot, hence his neediness, not to mention his girlfriend of 5 years prior died in a car accident on the way to see him) Its not my intention to defend the guy, because his actions towards you are and were totally unacceptable. Particularly the physical stuff. You do not have to tolerate that from anyone, or feel guilty for removing yourself from it. It is his problem, not yours. That said, he is obviously suffering greatly from people he cares about, leaving him (dying). He is reacting to that IMHO, and isn't necessarily reflective of him as a person (he probably knows his actions are wrong, but is unable to control them.) He expects to be left, or is fearful of it. If you do care about him, and have the inclination, maybe try to guide him / support him into counselling, which he clearly needs. If you don't want to (which is completely okay), then as others suggest, walk away. If he threatens self harm etc, take the matter out of yours, and his hands, and involve the authorities. He may thank you for it in the years to come Link to comment
Destinysdream Posted June 2, 2009 Author Share Posted June 2, 2009 So he called me yesterday and seemed to be better. He pleaded to see me that night and I refused. I told him that maybe one day I would reconsider being with him, but for now, I don't want to be with anyone, not just him. He accused me of hiding something or religious reasons why I'm doing this, but I didn't falter. However- I said I'd see him soon.... he insisted that it be tonight and that he'd contact me... I agreed...but he didn't call. I know he's alive because I saw him online and get offline...I'm guessing this is a good thing, but I'm a little confused. I know I must stay strong. We both are hurting from personal problems and I still don't think that we should rely on an unhappy relationship for these sort of issues. Therefore, if I do eventually meet him, how can I assure that we focus on helping him and not rekindling something that should not be? Is it possibly best that I just...disappear? Would that help him better? Link to comment
MinziGirl Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 This is called stalking & attempted rape. Why do you want to see the guy? Shouldn't the police go with you too? Also, being in a 'rough' spot doesn't allow anyone to take someboy's clothes down without his/her constent. Link to comment
Destinysdream Posted June 2, 2009 Author Share Posted June 2, 2009 Because he's truly just a hurt, sweet baby that calls himself man. He is basically my best friend and I still care about him, even if I don't want a relationship. I want to hep him, but I don't want to compromise my own will. I don't know if he can just 'get over it,' and am pretty sure it will make things worse to see him right away...I also can imagine myself going back to him because thats whats happened before... As far as the attempted rape goes...he says he thought I was going along with it... =\ And I'm not entirely sure what the authorities can do because he's just depressed and sitting home moping and watching movies. Link to comment
riotgenius Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 Because he's truly just a hurt, sweet baby that calls himself man. He is basically my best friend and I still care about him, even if I don't want a relationship. I want to hep him, but I don't want to compromise my own will. I don't know if he can just 'get over it,' and am pretty sure it will make things worse to see him right away...I also can imagine myself going back to him because thats whats happened before... As far as the attempted rape goes...he says he thought I was going along with it... =\ And I'm not entirely sure what the authorities can do because he's just depressed and sitting home moping and watching movies. Woah! Don't make light of this. He knew you weren't going along with it and so do you - that was a violent encounter, not a misunderstanding. You might be emotionally stronger than him BUT plenty of people who have bad pasts learn from these and make positive decisions... He doesn't want to be your friend - he wants to be with you and is prepared to try and force himself on you. The best, healthiest way to help him is to not be in contact. If you care about him as much as you say, and I'm sure you do, stand back and let him get through this without complicating his feelings further. Link to comment
Pixiedoc Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 Woah! Don't make light of this. He knew you weren't going along with it and so do you - that was a violent encounter, not a misunderstanding. You might be emotionally stronger than him BUT plenty of people who have bad pasts learn from these and make positive decisions... He doesn't want to be your friend - he wants to be with you and is prepared to try and force himself on you. The best, healthiest way to help him is to not be in contact. If you care about him as much as you say, and I'm sure you do, stand back and let him get through this without complicating his feelings further. Spot on riotgenius. He not only CAN survive alone, he SHOULD and NEEDS to survive without you, right now, for both your sakes. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 Because he's truly just a hurt, sweet baby that calls himself man. Someone with the emotional control of a toddler and the strenght of a man is dangerous. He's already tried to rape you once, and is justifying it. (You know when someone is going with it. And you know when they're not. If he truly is incapable of telling the difference, he's dangerous.) Right on, Riotgenius. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 He wants to control you, and it looks like he's doing just that. No offense, but if you keep on making excuses for him, you'll end up being in much deeper than you currently are. Link to comment
MinziGirl Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 One word of advice: If a mistake happens the first time, it is a mistake. When you allow it to happen again the second time, it is not only a mistake, it is stupidity. Think about it. Link to comment
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