Man with a lot of friends... who are all girls

[Allyo]

I've been seeing a man now for about 3 months. We aren't technically boyfriend and girlfriend, but we've already had that chat that we are seeing each other exclusively. I see him fairly frequently, about 2 or 3 times a week, and everything seems to be going well and I have a great time with him except for one big problem that I have... which is that all his friends seem to be women who send him messages and call him all the time when we are together.

 

Now I have a lot of friends who are men as well, but I feel like there is a certain limit. I send messages back and forth with my friends who are men and see them fairly often, but I feel like it definitely it is a lot less than the amount of calls and messages my man is receiving. And it seems like generally the women are calling and messaging him first, as when he is with me he isn't initiating conversations with them.

 

At first it didn't bother me, because I hate feeling jealous and want to trust him. But as time goes on, I just feel the messaging and calling happens excessively. I mentioned something to him a couple times trying not to make a big deal out of it. I basically told him the truth in that it bothered me a little bit and that I wasn't quite sure what to think of all the women messaging and calling him. He told me that they were friends and nothing more, and he said that for his ex-girlfriend he ended all his friendships with girls and that in the end he ended up breaking up with his ex-girlfriend and was left without friends. So it seems a sensitive subject for him as well..

 

Now I find it a difficult situation, because I can understand and identify with his point of view. I agree it is not healthy to seal yourself off in a relationship, but I'm not sure if his situation with numerous girl friends is normal either.

 

I also have a fair amount of baggage because I'm also coming out of a relationship that ended about 6 months ago with a man who cheated on me several times... with those very women who were supposedly his "friends" sending him messages when we were together.

 

All in all, because of my past relationship I'm not sure if I can judge the situation without bias and without comparing my current man to my ex. It has gotten to the point where it just makes me feel downright sad every time he receives a message or somebody calls him, which might sound ridiculous... but it reminds me of my ex who cheated on me.

 

Any thoughts or opinions? It can't go on forever like this, because it has reached a point where I just don't feel confident or happy anymore. Am I overreacting due to my previous experiences? Any thoughts are appreciated, thanks

[erase this face]

Is there any possibility he'd be willing to shut off his phone when he's with you?

[Allyo]

Well asking him to shut off his phone is an interesting thought... but I'm afraid that would come accross as too controlling? I don't want him to end his relationships with all his friends, but it is true that something has to change or I won't be able to stick with him much longer.

[erase this face]

Yeah perhaps. Although if you word it that you'd rather be with him without interruption, that might be a viable reason. But of course that doesn't rid him of female friends.

[Circe]

How long have you been together? Perhaps the situation will just naturally improve as you spend more time together. As you two get closer its pretty natural that he has less time for friends.

 

I have two takes on this. The first is that I completely sympathise with your position. I can see exactly how you'd feel like he deserves to keep his friends and you trust him etc etc but at the same time feel uncomfortable. I have a single male friend who asked me out around the time my H and I decided to give our relationship a go. Because H and I had decided this (although I wasnt completely sure how I felt about H at the time) I said no.

 

Since then I have thought to myself "I'm glad things worked out how they did because I really don't know how I'd have handled being in a relationship with a man who has sooooooooo many female friends".

 

It seems this guy has way more female friends than guy friends and I'm completely not used to such a wide imbalance in a guy. I'm used to guys having a mix of friends but mostly hanging out with male friends so it would feel kind of strange.

 

I'm fairly sure I'd feel the same things you are feeling. A bit miffed, but also feeling that I was unjustified for being miffed!

 

Anyway my other take is from my personal experience. I had an imbalance of male friends over female friends when I started seeing my H. As our relationship progressed I found that I had to slowly back out of those male friendships. My H never asked for this but I personally found it started to feel a bit uncomfortable to have those types of close emotional connections with other men. And over time they are really more "old friends-now acquaintances" than still friends. Which is sad..but I can see how it happened and what can I do? Keeping close emotional bonds with other men just didnt feel right. Even if they were just friendships. It didnt feel right.

 

The closer the friendship the harder it is..

[Kinetics]

I dunno, let's say all his friends (male, female regardless) would constantly call your guy while you are hanging around together. Doesn't it feel like you're always being interrupted? I don't think it's nice to begin with, and it certainly makes it worse when it's all friends from the opposite sex.

 

As others suggested, how about telling him to turn it off while you're with him, but say it in a teasing way like, "Your friends are killing the mood around here, why dont you turn the phone off for a while?"

[Xplode]

i would be flattered. if he has that many girls in his life. and he choses to be with you?

i think thats an awsome compliment, he values you. after knowing sooo many girls?

 

thats an epic statement if you ask me.

[Day_Walker]

I think that the biggest issue is that you have been cheated on you in your past. You have to let that go, and just because you were cheated on in your past doesnt mean that this guy will cheat on you. Even if this guy is going to cheat on you, it is not something that you can control and you either need to trust him or not see him any longer. Perhaps you arent ready to trust a guy yet and that would mean that you arent ready for a relationship at this point.

 

I do not see this as his issue, instead it is an issue that you have with his friends based upon your past experiences and that is important.

[BriarRose]

I've been seeing a man now for about 3 months. We aren't technically boyfriend and girlfriend, but we've already had that chat that we are seeing each other exclusively. I see him fairly frequently, about 2 or 3 times a week,

...

I just don't think if after dating 2-3 times a week for 3 months you are still not bf/gf, I doubt you will get the commitment you seek from him, so his "friends" really aren't the issue. I would keep other options open at this point.

[thejigsup]

When I met my current bf, he had all sorts of female friends who called all the time. I waited to see what would happen. I'm still here and he has eliminated all but a few of those female friends. I didn't say a thing. They were just interrupting our time together and he got fed up with that. Stay quiet and see what happens. If you don't say anything, his true feelings will come out.

[Miss Firecracker]

...

I just don't think if after dating 2-3 times a week for 3 months you are still not bf/gf, I doubt you will get the commitment you seek from him, so his "friends" really aren't the issue. I would keep other options open at this point.

 

Nice observation. Good advice.

[Allyo]

Thanks for the comments so far! They have all been helpful and made me think!

 

But I'm surprised that two people already mentioned commitment as being the problem! I thought that 3 months of dating was still a pretty short time period, especially since we already committed to dating exclusively. I think the title isn't so important to me as much as how I feel when I am with him.

[Rabican]

I would say that if you are cool with him having female friends then you should do two things.

1. try to meet them, as many of them as you can.

2. Ask him if he can either a, shut off his phone while hes with you or b, just ignore any calls/ texts until after he leaves. Regardless of who it is its rude to be hanging out WITH YOU and texting to SOMEONE ELSE. After all, if he wants to talk to them so much tell him to quit wasting your time and go hang out with them!

 

ok maybe thats sorta 3 things.

[Rabican]

Well asking him to shut off his phone is an interesting thought... but I'm afraid that would come accross as too controlling? I don't want him to end his relationships with all his friends, but it is true that something has to change or I won't be able to stick with him much longer.

 

Just say hey, I dont mind you talking to your friends but I would like to think that when you spend time with me that you are mentally here with me too, and not off talking to some other girl.

 

Its different if theres an emergency or something... but if its a 'hey man whats shakin' that can certainly be ignored until later that night!!

[Miss Firecracker]

Thanks for the comments so far! They have all been helpful and made me think!

 

But I'm surprised that two people already mentioned commitment as being the problem! I thought that 3 months of dating was still a pretty short time period, especially since we already committed to dating exclusively. I think the title isn't so important to me as much as how I feel when I am with him.

 

 

You said he doesn't consider you his girlfriend as of yet. It seems if he were into you as a girlfriend, you would know after being together two or three times a week for three months. He must consider you a friend. But that's just my guess.

 

Either way, it's not a good idea to tell him what to do regarding his manners and his other friends. He should decide that for himself. He will like you less if you challenge that. I think your best bet is to be his friend as long as the good outweighs the bad. And when you decide it's enough, then move on. My advice would be totally different if you two had committed yourselves to each other.