What does previous rape do to a person psychologically?

[slider]

I was dating a girl that was raped about 2 months prior to our relationship. I'm not sure if it had anything to do with our breakup, but she always seems very distant, cold and unable to communicate with me about her feelings. When we broke up, she just stopped accepting my calls. No warnings, nothing - just stopped. After talking it over with one of my friends, we determined that it was because she thinks I'm seeing someone else. I'm not - it's just her imagination and her inability to communicate that get's the best of her. I'm puzzled.

[mahlina]

What you're experiencing is normal. Women who survive rape will often experience that roller-coaster emotions periodically in their lives. It's tough for the guy who's dating them to know how they truly feel, and the emtions that's running through their minds, but I give you much props for doing so!

 

I don't think that she means to be cold, she's just traumatized. She's jaded by the whole situation, and with her perspective of life in general. I guess you can say that she's 'broken' for now. Meaning, she's in complete turmoil. Sometimes, it takes rape victims a long time to recover. It could even last up to their entire lives. If they don't seek out help, then things will fall apart for them.

 

Your concern is genuine. That is extremely respectful for you to try to understand her. Often times, women who survive sexual abuse, will often push those away from them! They do so because they don't want to get hurt. They're too scared, and cannot fully comprehend the value of 'normalcy' again until they resolve it through professional help. And even then, they'll still have to struggle.

 

It's tough for them. You have to imagine all of their thoughts and worries. They truly do have it hard because it's a traumatic experience. It's inhumane! They've witnessed just about the worse, horrifying experience in mankind. It's like a movie clip that plays over and over. Her trauma is vivid. That's probably what's going through her mind when she's acting cold, and detached. You see, so with that kind of exposure, she will naturally put a protective cover over herself.

 

So, my advice is to just be patient. Try to sympathize. You can't empathize because you haven't experienced it, but you can try to somewhat 'feel' what she's been through. You can still try to develop empathy in order to understand her. And most days, rape victims will feel like days are cloudy, and other days, they will feel as though there's nothing that will keep them down. So, just understand it's that concept of pushing and pulling back.

 

Her resolving her issues are by pushing you away, so that she has time to regain herself. It's natural. It's like a 'defense mechanism,' it's just her being instinctive to the trauma. It's just like putting a dove in a torture chamber, once you open up that cage, and stand there and wait, the dove will just naturally get scared and huddle into the corner, not even wanting to fly out.

 

When she's pulling back, she tries to pat things down, and get things in order in her life. So it's a constant struggle. Do you see the picture? It's a fight everyday, to get out of bed, and to actually try to confront reality, because reality, to them, is ugly. So she's using her internal strength to try to fight. It's just like a ball and chain. She's able to be productive with her life, like dating you and meeting you, but she will always struggle to move freely.

 

You get what I mean? She's hurt. She's confused. She's lost. She's torn. I like it how you're taking into consideration of her emotions. You're doing the right thing, just reassure her every once in a while. Tell her that you're willing to be there when she needs help. Just be her bestfriend. It's good that you care. By doing so, you will earn her trust.

[slider]

mahlina, thanks for your response. It does shed some light as to why she is hot and cold so often. I'm to the point where I care about her but have been avoiding any contact with her. What do you recommend my doing? She does have a shell around her. She once told me early in our dating that she "doesn't let guys get to her" and she's unable to "love someone". She did say that she liked me a lot, but her actions didn't say the same. She wanted a bf/gf relationship with me but I told her that I needed to get to know her better first. At that point I didn't see her as "marriage" material. She thinks that I only want her for sex and that's why she spent so little time with me. Example: She would meet me while I was already out and would always leave to go elsewhere so she wouldn't be alone with me. Before she asked me for the relationship, she used to stay at my place for the evenings we dated. She grew distant. When I didn't show up at her workplace (she's waitress at a bar) because I got drunk somewhere else and couldn't drive, she dumped me. We were only dating for 1 month, but within that time I grew attached to her. Now I'm miserable without her but feel better that I now somewhat understand where she's coming from. I want to help her on a "friend" basis if this is the case. How can I do that? She doesn't answer my calls.

[pastela]

Hey Slider, I am new to this board but perhaps I could help shead some light on this subject. When I was 9, I was also raped. I dont think it has much to do with you (I could be wrong, I dont know how your relationship went) But i think it has to do with her, not that she is as fault but that she cant accept being close. It may make her uncomfortable. I cant even hug people, i cant stand getting too close and I always run away from possible relationships. She needs to work through it as I am. But unless you were mean or did something bad dont blame yourself and dont blame her.. just be understanding.. maybe try to be a friend and listen. Rape is a taboo subject to talk about I should know, anytime it comes up and I feel comfortable telling someone about it, they shut me out or change the subject. I believe it is a subject for people to talk about so people gain a bigger perspective on whats going on and so rape victims can have an ear. I believe 1 out of every 5 is raped or sexually molested here in the U.S.A.

[mahlina]

Helllo Slider...

 

Your ex is in complete denial. What she is doing is, she's biting her lips and swallowing her pain. In other words, she's bottling up her emotions.

 

Yes, like you said, she denies wanting a relationship, yet her actions tell you that she wants it. What she really wants is someone to mend that hurt. What she's doing is, she's choosing to cope with it on her own. There really isn't much more that you can do for her other than give advice and support. If she's ignoring your calls, then go see her at work, and write a letter, and tell her what you want from the relationship. Tell her before handing the letter that you're willing to listen and offer support.

 

Before doing any of this, you should sit down and truly ask yourself if you want to marry her, if not, then don't bother trying to get physically involved, because that's the worse thing for a rape victim to encounter.That's the last thing that they want, is someone that they love to abandon them. More than that, she might even fall into deep depression, and may even attempt suicide. So, if you are serious, and want to marry her, then yes, you can progress the relationship. But if not, then try not to tamper with her emotions, and perhaps let her deal with things on her own, and every so often check on her.

 

She's basically tagged her emotions and trust onto you, so I don't think that she'll completely close that door on you. Just talk to her in person.

[The Morrigan]

One thing I'd like to ask without asking for too much detail - was this someone she knew, and at least somewhat trusted?

 

That can be an issue in itself - it REALLY knocks a huge hole in your confidence to judge people and trust people's intentions. And even if not - chances are she's still going through the "I should've known better" phase.

 

Even if logically you couldn't have known better - hindsight is perfect of course, and it's then you see how you "could have" avoided being in the position to be taken advantage of or molested. It's hard to restore confidence in your ability to not only judge people - but to make good decisions for yourself. I've been through it myself - and it doesn't matter if you don't consciously blame yourself intentionally, you STILL look for things you could have done to avoid it, things you'd have done differently, for quite some time.

 

If she hasn't gone to a counselor or support group - encourage her to go to one, or call one. There's a lot she may feel more at ease discussing with people who have actually walked in her shoes and know how the conflicting feelings can arise and how it can effect even everyday things. And there's a lot they can do to help and suggest ways for her to come to terms with both the rape, and with her feelings about it and about herself. This isn't something she should have to work through alone - and it sounds like she could benefit from others who have worked through and are working through the same things she is.

[mahlina]

Morrigan is right...she shouldn't have to go through this alone, because it will just eat her up inside. She will tear down. And with every relationship that she gets into, this subject will always resurface. Like Pastela says, it's a taboo to talk about your past and being raped. It's like a stigma, especially if you've been a survivor of rape since childhood...

 

You know, for those who were raped as a child, it's hard for them to prevent such situations. A lot of the times, it's someone who they know. A lot of the times, they wished it wouldn't happen, but it did. A lot of times, it's like a handicap, because that's all they've known their entire lives. It's that innocence that they've lost. They've been so consumed by their fears and sadness their entire lives, that it's hard to truly ever feel 'normal' again.

 

It's even harder when the sexual assaults repeats itself. It's even harder when they're intimate in relationships, because that's the most fragile part of their lives that they try not to reveal, and yet, it's a part of who they are. So they will naturally have 'trust' issues. They will always question other's intentions. For some, it's like constant paranoia. So it doesn't surprise me if she accused you of using her...She's just a victim.

 

Pastella is also correct in which she says that 1 out of 5 women eventually either have been raped or molested, and believe it or not, among the ones who do get raped, end up either getting molested again, or raped again.

 

It's a sad reality, but it happens...

[SunnyScott]

i've had my fair share of childhood sexual molestation and rape. I've bottled up my emotions before. i think that for now, the healhiest thing for her to do is to join a sexual assault support group. yes, the experiences are debilitating, but talking it out, slowly helps. i did also have tendencies to commit suicide, several times, but now, i'm pregnant, and that's what i live for. my child is the most important thing that's keeping me from harming myself. it's true how it's hard to reveal that part of you to your spouse. i hope to eventually tell my fiance about it. may God bless all of the survivors. We will make it through!

[slider]

One thing I'd like to ask without asking for too much detail - was this someone she knew, and at least somewhat trusted?

It was someone she hardly knew who drove her home from a club when she was past out. She wasn't awake when this happened, but knew it took place the next day. For over a month after, she wouldn't go out of the house except to go to work. When she finally was able to go out again, that's when we hooked up. I think by not showing up at her work when I was supposed to, made her feel as though I was seeing someone else. Another occasion had her suspecting that too when she kept repeatedly questioning my friends about where I was when I was already at home sleeping. Her cutting me off with me seemed so drastic. That's why I was wondering if the sex abuse had anything to do with it.

[stolen heart]

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to your ex it is so hard to have to deal with a rape... and especially hard for the spouse or SO. My ex had a difficult time coping with the fact that I had been raped by my last boyfriend. He wanted to go kill the guy and yet he also withdrew from me... I guess I understand... But what i'd like to say -- a girl who has been raped (especially by someone she knows and loves) just needs to see you love her in your actions. Don't put too much weight on your words (they can mean zip to someone who's been raped) and concentrate on showing her love with your actions...

 

hope that helps. PM me if you like.

[slider]

The odd part is that people say that abuse victims have trouble initiating sex. This wasn't the case with this girl. She was very sexual. So I didn't think the incident was affecting her in any way. But other clues started to pop up like her constantly asking my friends where I was. Her imagination always thought the worst. She also asked me "what do you want from me?". She showed a lot of affection in public then she'd turn cold and distant on other days. Really confusing.

[stolen heart]

The odd part is that people say that abuse victims have trouble initiating sex. This wasn't the case with this girl. She was very sexual. So I didn't think the incident was affecting her in any way. But other clues started to pop up like her constantly asking my friends where I was. Her imagination always thought the worst. She also asked me "what do you want from me?". She showed a lot of affection in public then she'd turn cold and distant on other days. Really confusing.

 

i don't doubt that...i was very sexual with my last boyfriend after the rape... i think she wants affection and needs it from you. just please have patience with her...

 

pm me.

[mahlina]

The odd part is that people say that abuse victims have trouble initiating sex.

I think in that case, it's to the extreme. I think they can enjoy 'normal' sex lives. I think that sex does periodically become an issue, again because of flashbacks. But, if they're in a healthy and supportive relationship, then they probably won't experience that many flashbacks. Once they initiate sex with their partner, they're exposing themselves to feeling completely vulnerable again. So they will every so often go through the roller-coaster of emotions over and over, until they gain enough trust and comfort in the relationship, and then the emotions will simmer down.

 

In other words, if you are there for her to support her moods, then she'll eventually trust you, then she won't be as drastic with her actions. Again, she acted that way as an 'automatic response' to her fearing abandonment. So she makes haste decisions to cut you off, because she's scared of getting hurt. She's trying to put on that protective barrier. Be consistent about your care and support, then she won't jump to conclusions as much.

[slider]

A girl friend of mine thinks she her sexuality is normal because she doesn't remember anything about the incident. Could this be so?

[slider]

You all have been a really great help to me the past few days. Right now the depression has almost gone away. However, I feel really bad about disrespecting her by not showing up and "playing hard to get" with her. If she ever speaks to me again, I'll treat her with more respect and understanding. Thanks again.

[JustAChick]

Having been a rape victim myself, I can tell you that being able to trust again is extremely difficult. Your ex-gf's coldness and distance seems like she's having a hard time opening up again. Can you blame her, though? Do not take it personally.... I am sure that you have done nothing wrong. You need to let her figure things out on her own. Maybe when the time is right, she will let her walls down and be able to talk to you about the breakup. But as of now, just understand where she's coming from. Don't pressure her to talk to you just yet.

 

Good Luck!

[slider]

Well I called her but she didn't pick up again - I didn't expect her to. I just left a message basically saying that I understand what she's going through with the difficulty in trusting people right now and that I'll back off. I let her know that I still liked her, but didn't expect her to contact me.

[mahlina]

Slider,

 

I respect you so much for doing what you're doing. I can see that you truly care for this girl. At least you're being true to yourself. She's lucky to have someone be so thoughtful about her well-being. I hope that she will realize your sincerity, and give you a 2nd chance.

 

Like JustaChick says, she will have an EXTREMELY hard time trusting ANY guy that she meets. But, you're doing the right thing. She's so lucky...

 

Good Luck to you and her!

-Mahlina

[slider]

I don't mean to sound selfish here, but what about me? I wasn't depressed yesterday, but last night she called in sick or switch shifts with another girl at work knowing that I would be there. My friends and I always frequent her workplace on Friday nights. When I realized this happened, I fell back into a deep depression. I guess I was kind of hoping she'd be there and at least acknowledge my presense. She didn't even show up! Why is she going through such great extents to avoid me? Does she think I would "suck her back in" again? Or does she really hate me? Does she no longer have ANY interest in me? I'm really confused here.

[JustAChick]

I'm sorry, Slider.... but it seems as though your ex-gf seems somewhat disinterested. Maybe not towards YOU, but with the whole situation of getting into a relationship. You two did hook up 2 months after her rape situation. It was probably much too soon for her to start dating again. After she realized that she still couldn't trust anyone, she started to back off from those who were getting close to her (ie: You). If she's taking such great lengths to avoid you, then leave her be. It seems as though she's not ready to communicate with you or anyone for the matter... at all.

 

Like I said before, from my experience, it took a LONG while before I got involved with another man. Even now, it's still hard for me trust men. I have since become extremely paranoid in thinking that every man who approaches me, has some hidden agenda. I have walled up against those who have tried to get close to me. My rape situation happened at an early age and that's what makes it worse. My mind, at the time, was not able to fully compute what had actually taken place. I couldn't accept it and I denied myself of self-love. It is the worst feeling, beyond anything, for a girl to experience.

 

Anyway, you have done a great job on your part. It's just a shame that you're still heartbroken over her. I hope you find some kind of closure. Don't feel depressed... Good Luck.

[writer68]

Um look once you've been raped you don't get over it. EVER. I talk from experience. With a girl who was raped two months ago sex is a no no. She wanted comfort.