Emotional Infidelity or Am I Crazy

[iloveyousnoopy]

Hi, I have been married for 15 years to my husband we have 3 children together. My husband had to take a second job because we needed the money. Well he started developing this close relationship with his boss(a woman). Then I started finding out he was like an open book with her about our marriage, problems and children. She was the same way about her marriage and ect. It really hurt me terribly. She would always schedule him to work at the same time she did and late hours at night it would be just the two of them together. I'm talking 3 a.m. Finally I confronted my husband and he said they were really good friends and could talk to each other. I told him how bad it hurt me and he didn't care. He was ready to walk out on us, he said not for her because she is married. Then he told me if he could go back 15 years and she could go back he would ask her out. I told him if that was the case there would be a problem because she is 9 years younger then him and she would have been 14. Well anyway I told him he had to quit this job and stay away from her or move out. He doesn't have the money to move out so he quit. What I am wondering is he still seeing or talking to her? Because his main job is several miles away from where we live. Because when he quit he was really calm about it, my husband is not a calm person by no means. He said she had been there a few times shopping at his main job in the past. I have caught her driving by our house several times. Her husband is not a very nice person from what I hear. I ask my husband daily if he has talked to or seen her and he tells me no. He calls home all the time now, I think it is to see if I am home? He is so sneaky sometimes. He says he loves me? Even though a few weeks ago when this all came out he said he hated me, couldn't stand to be around me and wanted a divorce. Do you think he is just using me until he can get on his feet to move on. I am so confused! He is the only man I have ever kissed, loved and made love to. I love him dearly but don't trust him anymore. Can anyone help?

[sphinx999]

Just trust him for now, but keep your eyes open. But if you are not happy with him then leave him.

[ApathyKid666]

Another option I would suggest would be to perhaps scrape together a little money and hire a private investigator. Don't jump to you feet and do this off the bat though. Give it a little time, and if you're still that worried and untrusting this is what I would suggest.

[Sooz]

An affair is an affair wheter is sexual or emotional. Since he treated her as he must've been treating you, he is wrong. Besides he was very insensitive when he told you he would've date her if he could go back in time, but what about you?? it's like saying he regrets marrying you!! what a horrible thing to say!! He is being selfish. You are his wife he should be making you happy.

If you really want to stay with him, ask him how could you make him happy, what could you do to improve your relationship. If you can do that, do it!! but make sure he does the same for you. It takes two to tango, so if you two want your relationship to work, both of you have to make the same amount of effort.

Good luck with this!!

[lelucats]

Sweety, I'm gonna be blunt...You need to RUN, not walk AWAY from this guy!!! He is an emotional abuser. If you stay with him, he will suck all the life out of you. I was in a marriage like this. I became a person I couldn't even recognize as myself. When the trapped feelings led me to suicidal thinking, I moved my daughter and I into a women's shelter. I was emotionally and intellectually destroyed, I could barely function. Please recognize, don't deny any longer, that this relationship is harmful. Seek counselling if you can. I joined a discussion group of women at the shelter. We met three times a week and free counselling was available there too.

I learned that there are many women in these very similar situations. I learned how to recognize my rights. I learned how to see more objectively they way my guy was operating and that it was all about controlling me. I learned to respect myself enough to believe that I was worth more than this, to believe that I COULD take care of myself and child on my own. I learned that there are alot of resources/agencies that could offer real assistance.

 

It's been 1 1/2 years since I left. My daughter is much happier. I'm back in college. We feel safe again. We laugh and dance again. I can SEE a future of things getting better, not worse--I have HOPE again!

 

Know that this all is a process and takes time. You don't have to accept all at once the different opinions you hear at counselling and group meetings. I only ask that you be WILLING to hear what other's have to say. My heart and prayers are with you during this difficult time. Take care of YOU!! Big Hugs, Lelu

[lelucats]

I'm so sorry! I had read your post yesterday, among others, intending to respond today. I think I mixed up your post with another's and replied today without re-reading yours...so please take what you want from my above response and if I may, here's some more opinion...

 

He sounds really confused. Maybe communication between you both kind of got superficial (daily life, kids, schedules...) and you guys drifted apart. It's awesome that you've been together for 15 years but it sounds like, as a couple, you both need to re-connect with each other. Bring back that feeling that you're each very important to the other--best friends. Unfortunately he put the effort he needed to make with you into becoming intimate with another woman. I admire how you drew the line with him for your own self-respect. And he complied--he wouldn't have if he truly didn't care about you and your marriage.

 

I would be reading every book and article about how to "re-ignite the passion" and then applying what ever I could. Offering him warmth, nurture and attention will draw him back into your arms. You both need to make your marriage #1 priority and that starts with making each other your personal priority. Go get him, girl!!!! Hugs, Lelu

[ops]

You say you don't trust him? Trust is the number 1 ingredient in a relationship. It's damn difficult to feel anything (but confusion and sometimes animosity) when a loved one betrays your trust.

 

I've heard that with time trust is regained--I dunno. For me, that was not so. My son's father was a cheater. I was with him (on and off) for seven years until I completely cut ties with him. Couldn't take it anymore. I seemed to be the only one in the relationship trying to make it work, compromising (my feelings) what I knew was only hurting me in the end.

 

Go by what you feel--if you feel something is so wrong, if the relationship doesn't feel right anymore then it may be time to venture on.

 

Definitely, talk to him about "all" you feel--even tell him you may leave him. If he truly loves you he'll do his darnedest to keep you by his side.

 

I can tell you one thing (I know for sure), a relationship never feels the same once someone has cheated. You need to empower yourself because where you are right now is in a very painful and confusing transition.

 

For me, I use to contact the women my ex was seeing and befriend them (the ones willing to talk to me). I found it empowering to hear their side of the story, and often they were as much the victim as I felt.

 

Always remember to see your spouse as a human being in need. He's not a monster even though we may see him to be. He's probably going through some mental anguish, too. He's most likely feeling confused and responsible for creating this situation. Time apart might be best for the two of you until each realizes the other's worth.

 

I hope you find peace among the chaos.

[gigi123]

Hey,

Just read your story and my heart goes out to you. My story is here on the site somewhere (I am new yesterday and don't know how to tell you where). My situation is filled with the same basic issues. Loss, sadness, confusion, no trust, pain. I must tell you a good book having to do with emotional as well as sexual affairs. I has helped me to understand the many layers of betrayal. There is are two chapters at the back regarding staying or going.

It is called "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It was so helpful to me. Sadly, tonight my husband revealed another hidden lie after assuring me he was FINALLY being completely honest with me for the last month. It never seems to end.

I can tell you one thing. I believe women have a very powerful emotional instinct! Every single time I thought he was lying to he - it was revealed that he was! Follow that instinct. Listen to your heart.

[Cadence308]

My heart goes out to you. Your husband has been having an affair and it sounds like his mistress has stalkerish tendencies. His change of behavior to hating you and wanting a divorce to all of a sudden calling you all of the time, etc. is weird. I think you have a VERY good reason not to trust him. Someone suggested hiring a private investigator. This is a good idea if you are trying to stay and work things out with him, which it sounds like you are. I hope for your sake that he has ended the affair.

 

If you are too hurt and feel like the relationship cannot be salvaged then a divorce might be the way to go.