I admit it; it's me...so now what?

[theBestFriend]

I cannot for the life of me keep friends. I am thoughtful, considerate, reliable, honest, etc., and yet, I don't have anyone that treats me the same way. I used to have friends up to my ears (I didn't realize I was so popular at the time), but they all have left me for one reason or another. Girls get boyfriends and never call/return calls. Guys either flake out on EVERYTHING, or are the best friend I have ever had -- that is, until they tell me they've been into me for a long time and want to date and I turn them down : / (this has happened more than once)

 

I do everything right:

 

a) I try to meet new people (this part is actually easy), and when I meet someone I get along with and have things in common with, I can't get them to hang out with me more than a few times. Things are generally good, not awkward, so I am always perplexed as to why we don't hang out more.

 

b) I forgive friends when I don't hear from them for months. I tell them I missed them, but I don't complain. They always seem so remorseful anyway. We hang out a couple times, then I can't reach them, or they don't follow up on a plan we made. What gives??

 

c) I have hobbies I enjoy alone, but now that it's summer, I have more free time. I know others do to, so I try to capitalize on the time during the week. I try not to call only on the weekends. I don't want to depend on others for a good time, but there are only so many potholders one can crochet...

 

d) I put my foot down when I feel it's necessary, but then I feel worse bc I don't feel like I should have to with a real friend. I have called out a friend or 2 before, and things do improve for a minute, but eventually they are back to their old ways.

 

e) I am simply there for people. People tell me all the time how good of a person I am, but no one treats me as such.

 

Be honest please, am I not of use if I am not sleeping with anyone? I hope I am not the only one who feels this way

[skirt]

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Hahah. I've been having this problem since I got out of high school. I wonder if it's something that happens with age, people start focusing more on whatever is going to get them feeling more secure and comfortable with their private lives. It seems like members of the opposite sex would pay more attention to you for that purpose alone, and you can just imagine women would ignore you for the exact same reason. All I can say is, you'll have to stop focusing on that part of your life, and not stress companionship quite so much. It's hard but, if you are trying too hard, maybe there's a sense of lingering desperation there, which could lead others to feel responsible for your feelings. People HATE that, I guess. I say, concentrate on your love life, work, education, hobbies. Don't cut anyone off, but don't chase after anyone either, it may all come easy at some point.

[shy2cool]

I am kinda in the same situation. However, I don't meet many new people.

 

Do you have a partner? As above, maybe concentrate on that.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I hear you! That has been my problem forever..since my schooldays. I am a better friend to others than they are to me. I spend most of my time alone and it does get old after a while.

[theBestFriend]

I guess I am at the point in my life where SOs are more important than friends to my peers. I suppose I should join the club.

 

Sometimes I regret not getting romantically involved with my guy friends, because I know they would stick around if I was, but I honestly did not feel anything like that for them. I just had to let one go last weekend because he thought there could be something between us someday. I'm just a little peeved that I personally can't have guys for best friends.

 

So, now I know I should not try so hard. People will come around when they get ready. I'm just afraid if I don't remind them I still care about them, then they'll forget about me

[unmenomore]

I do think it happens with age. It's happening to me too. I have a few close friends but we are driting. People generally focus on their own life. I believe you can still be friends just not hang out, talk all the time. People are too busy for that.

[Norman]

Hello theBestFriend,

 

It is very difficult to maintain or even form any kind of relationship without there being some form of tension. This should be clear for you to see by comparing those with whom the relationships have fizzled and the only ones that have seemed to work for a time (your potential suitors). In the latter case it is the sexual tension that is holding the relationship together. With the former, from what you describe there really isn't any real tension or more precisely conflict going on. You are always so nice and accommodating to people that by the sounds of it, whether they are conscious of it or not, they become bored with the relationship and simply lose interest.

 

You must learn that a true friendship is not measured by the absence of conflict, but by the measure of both peoples willingness to work through and learn from the conflict when it arises.

 

Finally, I agree with skirt. You need to focus on getting to know yourself and what you want out of life instead of tailoring your every interest to others. There is nothing as boring as someone without a passion for something.

 

I hope this helps.

 

Best regards,

Norman

[theBestFriend]

I don't mind conflict in a relationship. In fact, in my past experience, resolving conflict makes my relationships much stronger, and I hate it when people run away from it or avoid it to keep the peace.

 

I was venting a little last night, so I failed to mention that I do have two women that I consider my best friends, but they just don't live in the same town as me right now. We have been through TUFF times, and are closer as a result. I appreciate those willing to work out issues, because no one will be a perfect fit anyway.

 

Also, I am by no means lacking passion. I think what makes me different from the people I have been hanging out with for the last few years is that I am the motivated one, and they are not. I do very well in school (I am graduating college this summer, yay!), I have specific goals for my future and I do what I can to reach them, and I don't settle for foolishness. I am not about to list everything else I am involved in in my life, but like I said earlier, it's just nice to have someone to share your life with.

 

I don't tailor my interests to others (I am not now nor ever will be a fan of wrestling, dark metal, reality t.v., fashion magazines or celebrity gossip), but I am a fan of compromise. Does that sound unreasonable or make me boring? Norman, if you don't mind, please explain what you meant by, "You need to focus on getting to know yourself and what you want out of life instead of tailoring your every interest to others. There is nothing as boring as someone without a passion for something."

 

I would be the first person to tell you that most people are not worth the trouble, but I don't want to believe that. I think most of you guys are right --this is just something that comes with age. I myself have drifted from people, but not because I got a boyfriend or something lame like that.

 

Thanks though guys, this is all really good advice.

[theBestFriend]

hahaha, ok, i didn't say,"it's just nice to have someone to share your life with," but I was thinking it. Close friendship is like a luxury that I would like to indulge it every now and then.

[Norman]

Hello theBestFriend,

 

Ok, I can now see how skillful you are at handling conflict. If you take our present interaction as an example, you invalidate everything I shared with you and there you go, there is no conflict except a poor judgment on my part. After all, you are the Best Friend, the "the motivated one", i.e. you are already perfect and your current relationships are not working, because everyone else has a problem. You say "I admit it, it's me..." and that you are not perfect, but your actions and your speech reveal your real mindset. I know I am being ruthless with you, but it would be contradictory for me to share with you about friendship without demonstrating what a true friend is. A true friend is willing to do/say whatever it takes to get through to the other person without indulging in the fear of the consequences.

 

Norman, if you don't mind, please explain what you meant by, "You need to focus on getting to know yourself and what you want out of life instead of tailoring your every interest to others. There is nothing as boring as someone without a passion for something."

If you are active in something you are truly passionate about, i.e. something that resonates very strongly with you, then whether are not others are involved with you is not a top priority. Niether is it a great challenge to attract others to participate who also share your passion. The fact that you are having trouble maintaining new relationships shows that on some level this passion, this "draw", isn't there. So either you don't really know what truly resonates with you yet or you have often compromised your own interests out of loneliness.

 

To go back to your first quote:

 

I cannot for the life of me keep friends. I am thoughtful, considerate, reliable, honest, etc., and yet, I don't have anyone that treats me the same way.

So what is not working? If I take our current exchange as a guide post, then I would say that you need to start opening up to people and start truly listening to them. If all of your new relationships go the same way as our conversation, then it is no wonder people eventually lose interest and "cannot be reached". What's in it for them to try to relate to someone who doesn't see any value in what they have to share?

 

Best regards,

Norman

[HighRoad]

Well, I would agree with some of the things that you say. Partly, think it can be female roles in society Women are expected to listen, be nice, etc. Ok, I agree with that.

 

But, I think sometimes I have also drifted with that tendency and then I find that I am the 'nice' person that no one takes too seriously. I mean, they like you and all but - do you like you? So what I have been doing is asking for what I want.

 

I realised that in my desire to be a good friend, I forgot about what I want. I try and talk about things that are important to me, ask for favors periodicall from people, and then also just make sure that I am an active part of the relationship. I guess I can be a good listener and so I need to be mindful that I am not taken advantage of by people who just want someone - anyone - to listen.

 

If I want mutual relationships, that means I need to speak up and ask for what makes me feel comfortable. That comes in time, and with experience and a feeling that 'hey! my needs are important.'

 

I don't think you are alone in what you describe, I am sure it is very common.