No Contact rule?

[badbadbad]

I've been reading this group today, and seen alot of reference to "No Contact", as in don't have contact after a break-up.

I agree both should restrain their habits of confiding in the other after a break-up...that kind of the definition of a break-up...

but consider, after crushing someone and having been in a long-distance relationship for 4 years, shouldn't I be able to call and "see how she's doing?"

I guess not. I know how she's doing: crappy, brokenhearted, empty, afraid. At least her family is near her, and she has a few friends.

I ended the relationship even tho I still have love for her...it was a painful rational decision that I made involving emotions.

I want to be there a little for her, but the "NO CONTACT" theory tells me otherwise.

Anyone have any thoughts on this "no contact" thing?

d>

[badbadbad]

don't know how I missed the topic right below mine, but it has a lot of thoughts on the matter...so I guess this thread's redundant, unless someones got something to say of course...

d>

[drifter]

The rule usually applies to the one being dumped. It is for self growth and to make dumping party perhaps regret decision.

[Jen524]

Take it from me, I was just dumped by ex of 4 years and I am all those things your ex is breakenhearted and all that. When he calls he just opens all the wounds he made, all over again. I always feel like oh he is thinking of me, or he misses me. Its not that, he just can't stand the thought he hurt me, so he calls. If you don't want her back, don't call. You are confusing her everytime you call, and I bet your hurting her more. You can call once or twice over a course of a long time, but don't make it a habit. You lost the right to know how she was, when you dumped her. She has to get over you to be friends. Then she can call you. I mean this in a nice way, I had to tell my ex to stop calling me, and it was so hard. I feel for your ex, it does hurt. But she will get better with time and then you can be her friend.

[The Morrigan]

The problem is the dumper has the advantage of already thinking through the things that led to the breakup. The dumpee is left gasping and about 3 steps backward in the land of "why??? how???? BUT.... can't we work things out??? I'm not ready to lose you!"

 

There's little comfort the person who's broken off the relationship can offer that won't end up making it rougher on the dumpee. It's something to cling to, some hope and emotional contact that in the early stages can make the pain drag on longer keeping them partially dependent on a relationship that's no longer there. And if they're still in that limbo when the dumper starts dating, it hurts as much as the breakup all over again, making it painfully clear they're not the one anymore.

 

Now, that's not to mean you have to be rude or slam the door on your ex - but it's very difficult to be both sympathetic AND not encouraging more than you intend to. And there's nothing wrong with telling her just that - that you don't want to hurt her further by trying to be "friends" before she's healed from the breakup, and you don't want to be unfair to her.

[bigcat22]

I recently ended a long affair. We were both married. We agreed no contact for at least six months. The theory here is that we are both going to get divorced during the no contact period then reconnect when we can be open. She doesn't want to get dragged into my deal and I don't want to get dragged into her's.

[tiff8434]

I dont know how to feel about the "no contact rule" I do know that it is harder to talk with someone you desperatley want to be with and for them to be jus tlike "hi" that is not going to do it for you. It is going to hurt and then you are going to get mixed signals on that they are coming back. But on the flip side atleast if he or she is calling you then you know for that brief moment that they are thinking of you.