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Want her back! Dont know what to do? please help?


lionquack

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Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

A week today (Thursday) I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 weeks becuase she has been dishonest and deceitful. In the 4 weeks it has been a rollercoaster of a ride.

 

However, I am finding it difficult to focus and get over her and know I have feelings for her in such a short space of time.

 

We have/had something really special (or so it felt). In 4 weeks I have developed strong feelings for her and I felt this was mutual. We have known each other 5 months and were friends for a while.

 

I did not expect to develop feelings for her but it was avery romantic and emotioanl experience and different form previous relationsships so I stupidly dropped my guard and let my self go.

 

Anyway, last Thursday her flat mate who is also a good friend told me she is seeing someone else. I found this difficult to accept as I fully trust her and in the 4 weeks we have been inseparable and spent everynight together. yeah i know its extrme but we were so into each other. Really could not get enough and did not get bored which is why I am holding on and can't let go.

 

We shared so many special moments together.

 

She was in the shower and I had noticed she never leaves her phone lying around and it seemed to go off most mornings at 5.00am. However, she left it on the bedside table. I know it was wrong of me and I hesitated 3 times before I looked through her messages on her phone. But I did in the end and was shocked to find many text over a longer period of time of us being together on a daily basis. Some of them texts were quite sexually explicit and I started to shake from the shock of reading the texts.

 

I felt my world had ended......

 

Anyway she came out of the shower and i remained composed and dignified.

 

later in the evening I gave her the opportunity to come clean by asking her is there anyhting she wants to tell me. She acted dumb as expected.

 

So i told her I have reason to believe she is cheating and would like an explanation. I told her I had looked through her phone.

 

The she poured on the water works and told me she has not cheated and sweared on her mothers life.

The guy in question is in Australia and was a friend. They were together when he was in the Uk but he has been in Australia for 2 months now. She told me she slept with him and has feeling for him and has remained in contact.

 

She did not tell me about him because she did not expect that we would have got together. I feel she had ample opportunity to tell me in 4 weeks but chose not to due to her selfishness.

 

Her reply was you would never understand as I am too fcucked up.

 

Anyway i was angry and hurt and finshed with her. But I told her she needs to make a chose who she wants. if she wants to continue with me she needs to tell this guy and cut of ALL ties.

 

She said she would need to think about this whcih I respected. before i left we made love like it was the last time we were gonna see each other.

 

I got home and then contacted this guy and told him what had been happening.

 

He told me they are not together but he is dues to fly back Sunday(10th May) so they can be together. then he ripped into her for decieivng both of us and how if he sees her again he wants to kill her.

 

it seems she played him for a fool too.

 

Since the break up last Thursday I have been so weak and feel i have no control. I have foolishly been texting her,calling her and then this stiopped on the Saturday. She has been replying and said she loves me but we cant be together.

 

I want her back BADLY. I went NC for 3 days and then cracked last night as i saw her in the street (we live 20 seconds from each other). She looked soo sad i just wanted to hug her. I texted her to see how she is but got no response.

 

I know I have to move on but feel i have unfinished business and need some answers. i dont want anyone else....

 

Her flatmate has told me she does not want to see me anymore and is talking with the guy from Australia although he has not forgiven her and is still very angry with her.

 

Whats should I do?

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Man, you're hanging on to a dead thing to me. I would try to forget her - afterall you've been together for just a month, it shouldn't be THAT hard...

 

I am trying to forget her by keeping busy.

 

I know its a very short space of time to devloep feeligns but it was intense and felt right mutually.

 

fact is its very HARD.

:sad:

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Dude... you spent 4 weeks together... 4 weeks. That's nothing. Barely a 'history' with the girl.

 

Intense feelings? Mutual? I don't think so. Within a week she has another boyfriend. Sorry bud but take a hint... it's over.

 

If you want any chance of seeing her in the future you need to get your behavior in check. The constant attempts at contacting her, stalking, questioning her friends, etc... need to stop ASAP. Your only pushing her farther away. You need to back off and maybe she'll come around. Don't hold your breath.

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I would definitly try no contact. I know it is hard. The first time my BF tried to breakup with me, I met with him and got him back for another 3 weeks. Then he vanished again and I went guerilla on him texting and so on. I really wish I had let him go the first time to save dignity and to make a reconcilliation better. We were together 4 months total. I know its crazy, and I have been in 5 year or longer relationships and am pushing 40 years old. He got scared, I pushed, and I lost. But I havent totally given up although I have let go.

 

Whatever you do, go no contact. It is the best way to go now. It will only cause you more pain, trust me, I know! I even avoid his house and its on a major road in town. I have HAD to drive by a couple times and LOOKED! Both times I go off easy as no one else was there, but if I keep looking im going to see something and it will rip my guts out. You owe this to yourself to TRY and establish a new routine without her in it. Let her figure her mania out and work on YOU! I have no answers since you were together such a short time, but I do feel your pain and know its deep. Start with NC...otherwise you will drive her further away and hurt even deeper. Not worth it.

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thank you for your reply.

 

It does not help I have constant reminders of her everywhere and she lives 20 seconds away. I try not to look at her pictures/vids but it does not help friends are asking where she is as we do latin dancing (BACHATA/Slasa) and she was my partner and they knew we were together and said there were sparks flying off us and how we looked so good together.

 

I felt like knocking on her door yesterday as she lives so close but did not. i think anychance i ahd of getting abck I blew by texting and calling for a week which has left me with no dignity.

 

I know I need to go NC not with a view to win her back but to get over her.

 

I know she is not right for me but a have an attachment to her.

 

I read another thread on her earlier which I commented on which will help me go NC now.

 

I also have a date tonite. Which will help me loads I think.

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No contact is your answer, you are harassing her and she obviously doesn't need you, so the relationship wasn't that mutual.

Four weeks is not that long, but if you are so pasionate might feel like a lifetime, but think objectively, It is not.

If you have a date tonight, great!! just don't compare her to this new girl all the way unless you want to have a disaster night. Enjoy the company and forget about the other.

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Yeah I can see now how she manipulated and lied to me and it wasn't real now a week on.

 

I would be stupid to take her back now. I feel I was a stop gap for the guy in Australia whom she probably has true feelings for as I heard they are talking now. The dumb ass will probably take her back too even though she cheated on him twice.

 

She is just a fcucked up girl who needs to stop being so selfish.

 

I do not intend to compare this new girl to her I just want to have some fun instead of being down and depressed now

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lionquack,

 

I'm so sorry for your heartbreak. It does get easier. Know that love does not hurt. She said she loves you..... it can't be love if she blatantly texted those explicit words to the guy. I know that it's hard to see it sometimes, but I believe when you love someone, there shouldn't be any room for pride and selfishness, especially in a equal relationship. If you had not confronted her, how long do you think this would have gone on? Too long. Try to see it as a experience to learn from. You sound like a wonderful person and she didn't appreciate you when she had you. She will only know how great you are once she realizes she lost you. And who knows how long that will take. At one point, she had a choice and she chose to break your heart. Remember you are the prize. But still we love them... and it does get easier to let go...

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yes I am seeing someone else. She is a friend. we were flirting before me and the ex got together.

 

I asked her out (wednesday) and she said yes. So I intend to have some fun tonite. I intend to take things really slow and laid back.

 

The more posts I have read on NC the better. This forum is so helpful even if you do not post as you can relate to others situations and apply the advice given.

 

Wish I had gone NC from last Thursday when I finished with her. I was blaming myself for the break up by checking her phone messages and contacting the guy ahead of her contacting him to tell him about us. Know i know she had no intention to tell him. he was due to come back Sunday and she was gonna dump before that. I messed up he plans to do this.

 

I thing the biggest turning point for me last nite is I have started to despise her myself for doing what she did to me. Where as before i was defending her and making excuses like wanting closure when all I really wanted to do.

 

I should have got the message from on of her last text which read: " What we had was not lies but we cant be together anymore ".

 

I acted needy and desperate by texting and calling her and this pushed her further away. We did not spend a day apart in the 4 weeks so thats why it was so difficult to initialise NC. now i fully intend to...as long as I keep busy.

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: ) Stay busy! I was the Queen of desperate texting and I can tell you, from much experience, it's the last thing you want to do. Have fun tonight!

 

Thanks. Desperate texting is worse when there is no response. Surefire sign the other party does not want to know anymore.

 

But still still you do it as mind is all messed up.

 

Not anymore though! I intend to stay strong, busy and happy.

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UPDATE:

 

Recieved a text off her this morning.

 

She blames me for the break up cus I contacted the fella in Austrlaia and claims to still have feelings for me.

 

How can she blame me. I think she is trying to manipulate me again. Every close friend I have spoken to said I am not to blame. Most said they would have done the same thing.

 

Has left me feeling confused but i do not not intend to reply as I am 3 days into NC.

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Ignore the people who are ridiculing you for being upset over a 4-week relationship. It isn't the length you were together, it's the emotional investment you put in. Plus you did know her for like 5 months beforehand... shorter relationships can be harder to get over than long-term ones because in most relationships the first few months are when you begin to fall for someone and chemicals kick in and make you think this person is amazing in every way. A little further down the line you start to see them in a more realistic light, and decide whether you want to stick it out as a serious relationship. If someone broke up with you before you ever got to the reality kicking in stage, then I guess youre still going to be seeing them as a perfect fantasy. Mostly.There was very little time for you to see flaws in the other person and very little time for you to see it coming to an end or for the relationship spark to fizzle out. Probably there was no arguments or problems that early on either...which makes it all harder because to you that 4 months might possibly have been perfect and untainted...which makes things alot harder to move on from. But you will, in time..The worst part is all the untapped potential that never realizes itself when these whirlwind romances end. And the love that you have no idea where to put once it's over.

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What you said hits the nail on the head. Agree with all you say.

 

I am trying to hate her but find it hard cause all the good things we had are still so fresh.

 

Still I am 4 days NC and proud. I also keep reminding myself if she wanted me she'd be in contact. But i suppose I have not given her a chance to miss me as i have only been 4 days NC.

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Well thought i'd update this thread and coming on ENA helps me with NC.

 

Well I am 11 days into NC. Still think about her, dream about her blah blah you know the score.

 

Last night I received a surprise text from her. simply saying 'Hi How are you? XXX'

 

Obviously I did not respond but has shown me the first steps in initiating contact. My female friend who was with me at the time talked me out of repsonding.

 

Although I cant stop thinking about her now? Is she looking for me to repsond then go quiet again? NC has made me unavailabe.... Is she just being friendly? Is she missing me?

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+1

 

I left a 14 year relationship where I had less emotional connection than I did in a 6 week relationship. Time is irrelevant when it comes to this stuff. If you feel that chemistry, it's all systems Go!

 

Yeah... when you're 15-16 years old.

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Yeah... when you're 15-16 years old.

 

I disagree. Those same hormones are in full affect when you're 40+. In fact, I'd swear some of them are stronger. And I mean that in a good way.

 

Humans are humans. When we find a "match" the system kicks in to make just a little bit crazy. In fact, I think that human behavior while mating pretty much matches the clinical definitions of many types of "crazy".

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+1

 

I left a 14 year relationship where I had less emotional connection than I did in a 6 week relationship. Time is irrelevant when it comes to this stuff. If you feel that chemistry, it's all systems Go!

 

Thank you...I was beginning to think there is somthing wrong with me...

 

I saw her yesterday as we live so close btu she did not see me. She looked hot and I miss her dearly but dont want to break 12 days NC.

 

Have not reponded to her text as I dont want to go running back as soon as she clicks her fingers.

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