My fiance is bisexual...

[Rhiannon5258]

Wow- Where do I start? This is very complicated. I have been with my fiance for almost 5 years now. We live together and have a wonderful relationship. When I first saw him @ a coffee shop, I knew we were destined to be together. I also suspected that he was gay/bisexual then. As time went on, I inquired if he was gay/bisexual, and he denied it(I still suspected it though). I even told him I have had sexual thoughts, and even sexual encounters with other women. I am a VERY open individual. One day 2 years ago, I found some pictures in a computer file (there were nude male pics), and this confirmed my inquiries. We talked about it, and once again, he denied he was gay/bisexual, he was only confused and curious. Sigh. Well, sadly enough, I kind of swept if under the carpet. We had a decent sex life, and I loved him so very much. Last week, I was a bit nosey and logged into his email account. What I found scared the hell out of me. I found 3 letters to a man in his "SENT" mail folder where he basically admitted he was bisexual, and was interested in seeing this guys "privates". He did not refer to me as his fiance, but as his girlfriend (at least he was honest with this guy). I told him that I found these letters right away. We have talked baout this situation for a lonnnnnnnng time, for hours every day. He answered all of my questions, but I still have a hard time trusting him. At least I got him to admit he was bisexual. He told me he loves me very much and he started crying when he thought i was going to leave him (he even vomited). I believe he loves me. But I don't believe this will stop. In the last letter this man wrote to my fiance(that I read), he asked my fiance to send him money for a stomach sugery. Apparently this guy is from Romania, and from the letters I read "gets paid to show his penis". My fiance knows it was a scam. This is scaring me!!! I really need someone to talk to. My closest friend thinks this realtionship is doomed, so talking to her makes me upset. I need someone who is open.

 

Thank you so much,

Rhiannon

[Xandra]

Hmmm ...

 

Firstly I want to start off by saying that you are DEFINITELY not alone. I know of many women who have pondered the same thing about their significant other. However ...

 

I have lived with 4 guys for about 6 months now. These guys CONSTANTLY make sexual references to other guys. However, I know it's probably in a jokingly fashion. I honestly think you should probably put an end to this relationship before you get seriously hurt. This is ONLY MY opinion, but I do not believe that any man is bisexual. Men are not built like that. If your man is getting turned on by other men, he is probably GAY. He may not be ready to accept that yet, but he probably is. The reason I say this, is because most men are either put off by homosexuality or they are totally repulsed by it. Either way, I just don't see your boyfriend getting sexually aroused by men as a "experimentation". Straight men DO have thoughts of some homosexual activity, but to take it to the extent of e-mailing and communicating with another man?

 

I DO believe that your man loves you. From what you've said, he really does. That being said, leave him to find his way. He's either VERY confused or he's gay. There is no other way to say it. Women can be aroused by other women but not feel the need for actual non-platonic love and dependence on that woman. This is a known, studied and practical fact. Men, on the other hand, are not this way.

[fille]

hi, i just read the post by Rhiannon5258, and i am going through the exact same thing just about. My boyfriend and i had been together for a year and i always could tell he liked guys. At one point it seemed like he made a choice to be with me instead of guys. i knew he loved me so i didn't let the bisexual thing bother me. He never told me himself that he was this way and i just recently found proof that he is bisexual and confronted him about it. we decided that it would be best if he explored that side of him for awhile because if he doesn't he'll never know what he wants. he says he ultimately wants to end up with a woman and still really wants to be with me...and still loves me. i hope that he can figure this out for himself for sure. i'm afraid he will that he will forget about me and get too distracted with all these guys he is talking to and hanging out with... i am still really confused as to how the bisexual thing works too. Xandra had posted that "Women can be aroused by other women but not feel the need for actual non-platonic love and dependence on that woman. This is a known, studied and practical fact. Men, on the other hand, are not this way." i was wondering if this could be explained further to me because i don't totally understand the non-platonic thing. Does that mean that my guy wouldn't have an emotional attachment to a man, but he just enjoys the sexual pleasure of it?

thanks for the help.

[wellswomyn]

Rhiannon,

I agree that your fiance loves you very much. It sounds like you have great communication, and are so close that you feel comfortable enough to have these uncomfortable discussions.

That being said, it sound like perhaps he is curious about his attraction to other guys. I think it is totally normal for people to be attracted to someone that they don't typically consider 'their type', and same-sex attractions are not all that uncommon even for heterosexuals. Maybe you could reassure your fiance that having these attractions does not make him gay, they are only part of his complex set of desires, (which also include you.)

There are lots of ways for him to explore these attractions, without physically acting on them. You could try buying him a gay porn movie that you could watch together. Role playing is, in my opinion, a healthy way to explore other attractions without leaving the monogomy of a relationship. If you are comfortable with it, you could use toys that would allow you both to further explore each others sexual desires. You could check out link removed for some information on both toys and role playing. It is entirely possible that once he knows he can explore this side of his sexuality with you, he will not feel the need to go elsewhere.

Good luck!

[bluaria]

I read all of these posts and it sounds like exactly what i'm going through. I've been with my boyfriend for about 4 years. 6 months after we started dating he told me that he was bi. He said that he has never been in a relationship with a man, it was only sexual one night stands. The subject got dropped for quite a few years and now it's surfacing again. After being really curious about what was going on in his head I started reading his email account. I found personal ads that he had placed to other men for erotic massages and basically casual get togethers behind my back. He said in the messages that it needed to be on the downlow because he lived with his girlfriend. I brought up the whole subject again with him, not telling him that I read his email, but he denied pursuing anything with anyone. The fact is, i'm hurt. I can't understand how he can sneak around behind my back and do this to me. From what I have read on his emails, he hasn't had any actual encounters, just conversation. But I want to prevent him from anything further. I'm willing to experiment with him to maybe satisfy his cravings, but in the end, this is all very hard to handle. I've even thought of bringing in another guy to have a threesome with us. This way we could both have a little fun with it. Does anyone have any experience with this? I feel that I would rather have him doing what he's doing right here in front of me than behind my back. help...?