She's back in my life and this is why: Read my friends.

[danimal77]

A little update here guys. I have some more good news to share with you all. My ex/gf, has been away since last Wednesday, in Dallas TX, visiting her brother, who just had a kid.

 

I have not made any contact since she left. The night before she left she had taken me out for a romantic dinner and called me up before she went to sleep, to tell me how much she loves me. If you've been reading my ongoing saga, which started on January 28, 2004, when she left me, which I most certainly thought was for good, showing no signs of regret and no signs of caring for me in the least bit. I did not give up for six whole weeks and I played it very intelligently, knowing that the only way to get back to this girls heart, was through her head. This was where the conflict was. She knew she loved me, but could not tolerate what I was becoming, which was an insecure, jealous, possessive, controlling and dependent baby. She left and did not want to look back. She joined a single's chat line and started to date and amassed a list of maybe 15-20 new guys on her MSN list, of which she still may have about a dozen left, all with intentions to get over me and get over me as fast as possible.

 

You see, dear readers, she had me labeled, or so she thought. She lost all respect for me and had lost all trust. I could not hold a job. I was always broke and always crying about this or that and expecting her to take it all away, all the time and have her be there for me at my beckon call. She couldn't. She cracked under the pressure and was forced to bail.

 

Since then, she has stepped back into my life, first as a "friend", but not really. She was polite and civil at times, but mostly wouldn't give me the time of day and blew me off whenever I would show any signs of weakness, by demonstrating my feelings for her, so, I got the hint and stopped, but I did not stop contacting her. It surely confused her and that was all part of "my plan". I would show her attention, yet remain aloof and indifferent, while supporting her decision. She thought she knew what she wanted, but that all changed. The stronger I became and in the beginning my strength wasn't real. It came over time and a lot of sleepless and lonely nights, filled with regret, but I thought that if I continue along this path, aren't I only reconfirming and justifying the reason why she left me? Yes, so, I changed and for real and she noticed and the cool things was/is, is that I don't even have to say it anymore. It's in my every action and she's drawn to me like a magnet. She's still in conflict I guess and is still confused, but I know that everytime she's exposed to me, her defenses come crumbling down and she falls apart emotionally.

 

She is still on her single's chat line and still has those dozen or so guys on her MSN list, who she chats with, talks to and perhaps sees on a sporadic basis. I know this and she now knows that I know this and this will not conctinue for long. I will not tell her to stop. She will have to stop on her own and trust me, eventually, when she feels secure enough with me, she will no longer feel the need to rely on these other men.

 

I am confident and more sure of myself and my abilities now more than ever and she knows it. Things left off great last Wednesday night before she left for Dallas and I had not contacted her once sine then and she wasn't supposed to contact me until she came home, which is supposed to be late tomorrow night, but today at work, I got an email from her, telling me that she can't wait to see me.

 

Believe and achieve and nothing is impossible. I am not the exception. I am just determined.

 

Peace,

 

Dan

[LostinVan]

Dan, first, you ARE the man!

 

Second, congratulations on this, I'm extremely happy for you. Also thank you for the pm message, I hope my reply didn't put you off too much.

 

I am looking at your example, because in some ways we had the same type of break up (ie, my ex said the things yours said). But also looking at your lessons is a challenge for me, because becoming weak and challenged, in the ex's eyes, was not a problem in our relationship. In my case, work's going well, probably too well (too much time involved); I was the classic "hard head" in our arguments. I was the strong and silent type.

 

Here's one thing, that is possibly a 180 from you and what you've gone thru... I've always been the strong, silent one, but with my Mom's passing, I've taken moments to do something out of character... cry like there's no tomorrow. I've done it alone, I've done it with the ex (after the break up), but I've always tried to make the clear distinction in her mind that my crying was because of my Mom... not the break up.

 

I will say that I got teary eyed by the relationship, in front of the ex a few times since the break (plus the evening I came home to the letter, and left messages on her cell phone that night, I was bawling bad). But I'm getting a handle on that too. All advice from all sides is, show a strong, confident, aloof air to the ex... but in my case, that's what I did most of the last five or six years of the relationship!!!

 

If I'm to do a 180 for the ex, I'm still confused myself as to what to do. One 180 is starting to become natural - *listen* to her. Really hear what she has to say. I didn't do that before. But the other 180 I am also doing (vis a vis my Mom) ... and the 180 the advice all around says don't do is show her a sensitive, vulnerable side. I think in our entire relationship, the ex has seen me cry maybe 3 or 4 times. She's now seen it a dozen times in the last two weeks, mostly cuz of my Mom.

 

But, I don't want to hijack your thread here. I'm also taking note from the ways you went about it, and one thing - you've been hearing the words a lot of us are dying to hear from our ex'es, so once again, way to go, Dan, and remember it all - and here's hoping your relationship lasts forever!

 

LostinVan

[SincerlyHurt]

Dan, did you implement the no contact rule in any way at any time?

 

Congratulations!!!!

[danimal77]

Did I implement the no contact rule at any point? Well, when I first joined this website, there was a user by the name of "LuckyStar", who was a huge advocate of the no contact rule (mysteriously, he has fallen off the face of the earth). For the first week of the break up, I thought for sure that she would come back and so I did my usual begging and pleading and this only pushed her further away from me and gave her the strength to do so.

 

At that point, I really got scared and almost gave up all hope altogether, so I used LuckyStars advice for almost 2 weeks and then I called her. This did have somewhat of a positive effect on her. She no longer hung up on me. She actually gave me a chance to talk. When I did make that first initial contact, I was much different from the previous 2 weeks. I wasn't emotional, which scared her off in the first place. As I mentioned, I was trying to be strong, even though I really wasn't, but over time and as the weeks passed by, I didn't reveal my true feelings and I began to realize that it was getting easier not to do so and the easier that became for me and the more I supported her, the less confident she had become in her new found conviction of moving on. She started to open up to me and started to slip every now and then and I knew that her new found strength wasn't real. She was protecting herself and realized that the longer she talked to me, the more she realized just how much she was giving into her true feelings, even though she tried so hard to deny them.

 

She is back my friends. I want her to let go of all of these other men she has relied on to get her through the 2 months, but that will come with time and patience. I never thought that I would have gotten this far, as it stands.

 

Bye,

 

Dan

[MC]

Congratulations danimal77. Your present situation gives me hope. Like you and most others, I did the crying, pleading and begging thing (to my ex) for a few days. Thank God I stumbled on this website in about three days after the break up. This is when all the pleading stopped and I implemented no contact. Honestly, I've contacted her a few times but never about the relationship. She's usually the one to call.

 

Anyway, congrats once again. I really want my ex to change her mind. Whether I accept her or not is another story. It seems that after about twelve days now since the break up, I'm starting to feel a little better. No contact really works! I'm still shattered but if I were still contacting her, begging and pleading, I know that I would have been in a greater mess. My self esteem would be no more.

[strong1]

 

 

Hmm. You may have something here. I just posted my whole sage (spaced out.) I had one initial contact w/him which went well..but was then afraid to do another one. Maybe I should try again. All support and no relationship talk. He's a CHATTY one..and loves to spill his guts when stressed..so I'm thinking....he's probably missing having me around to chat too..and since he told me he needed space..he might be too embarrassed to call me. Hmmm. Or, I'm entirely wrong.

[strong1]

sorry. having trouble w/those darn quotes.

 

After your first 'positive' contact with her..how long did you wait before you contacted her again? I'm too worried about looking like a 'stalker.' And, also, scared of having my pride wounded yet again.

 

Is it just me..or does it seem that guys are more apt to make the initial contact after a breakup (as the dumpee) than women are? I agonized over it for weeks. Seems like you guys just get back on the communication horse! Good for you!

[February]

I agree Strong 1. I have a feelign that the contact thing like Dan did may work better for guys. Not sure, but the way guys deny their emotions etc. I think it may take them longer to really miss us and address their emotions. Women on the other hand we think over decisions, mull, etc. So if we are having second thoughts and our ex swoops in and is totally different than the person we broke up with, we many time will reconsider-or at least think about it. Not sure about guys though.

 

Gents? Any comments? Peanut gallery? Advice?

[danimal77]

You ladies are really making me think here. I really don't think gender has, or should for that matter, have any bearing whatsoever on your decision to contact him.

 

In regards to pride, well, I build up my own self-respect and started to realize that by not calling her, I was having a warped sense of pride. I dind't second guess myself. The hardest call for me, was after the initial 12 days I took off from calling her. After I initiated contact that first time, after that, I waited a couple of days and then another few, until it seemed as though I was calling her almost everyday and just when she was expecting me to call her, I didn't. I was throwing her off balance.

 

Deep down, I knew that she still loved me, but I was getting smart and I realized that the way back to her heart, was to really listen to what she was saying and supporting her decision and really just being her friend. I was in her face almost all of the time, but not as the Dan that she left, but more so as the Dan she had met a year and a half earlier, only better.

 

Eventually, things started to change. She started feeling more and more comfortable with me and I became more and more daring with her and not so scared to say the wrong thing. I honestly stopped caring what she thought and that in itself made a huge difference.

 

This all culminated the day I went to visit her after work, as a total friend, but one that she knew very well. A friend that she loved and missed and felt very secure with. Not a friend with benefits, but a best friend who she shared intimate moments with and the flood of feelings resurged for her and thank God I was right there to see it unfold before my very own eyes. We went on our first real date the following night, in 6 weeks and went on three more after that, until last Wednesday night. She's coming back from Dallas tomorrow night. I have to admit, I'm a bit nervous, even though I have no reason to be. I'm nervous, because all of my hard work has finally paid off. She's coming back home to me and that scares me, because I sometimes don't understand why. She must really love me.

 

Dan

[strong1]

Hmm. Maybe it's not so much a 'guys pursue w/more success' vs 'women pursue with more success' as it is a mind set.

 

You can see the pursuit as a game (and feel you have more inner strength)..or as pure torture that saps your every life force. I've been on both sides depending upon my mood. I do hate to use the word 'game'..but hey, who said life is fair? It sometimes IS a game.

 

I've been getting more into the 'hey, I made mistakes in this relationship..but I'm a pretty darn good catch and he'll realize it eventually' frame of mind lately. It helps a ton. I smile more, carry myself better. And am getting back my old spunk.

 

Not that I don't waiver..but the 'positive' moments are outweighing the negative lately. And when my ex comes back..he's gotta notice!

[strong1]

Ooo. I'm seeing some patterns here. Both you and Lostinvan do an amazing job of 'mixing up' your 'contact/no contract' and 'letting it slide' vs 'standing up for yourself.'

 

Just when your ex thinks you'll go left...go right, etc. You call..then suddenly you don't. And sometimes you listen to your ex tell you all that you did wrong...and then, sometimes..you stand up for yourself when they are spewing or pushing back too hard and tell them when a statement of theirs simply isn't valid and you will not tolerate it.

 

EXCELLENT TECHNIQUE.

[danimal77]

Thanks for the compliments Strong1. I don't think that LostinVan and myself should be compared though, because it appears as though he has his strategies and I have mine. We are very different types people. He was with his ex, the way that I have becoming lately and I believe that he must become in a sense, the man that I was with her.

 

It's about having a happy balance between the two and never putting your partner on a pedastel, because that sets unrealistic expectations and pressure for the both of you.

 

Always believe that you're a great catch Strong1 and also hold onto the point you made about thinking and focusing on the positive, because that's what I kept doing with my ex. I would constantly refer to a positive memory, when she would bring up a negative one, to the point that she realized how negative she was being and began bringing up positive memories and it seems as though that's all she's thinking about now and that's just fine with me, because that's what's bringing her back to me and back to her too.

[LostinVan]

Just when your ex thinks you'll go left...go right, etc. You call..then suddenly you don't. And sometimes you listen to your ex tell you all that you did wrong...and then, sometimes..you stand up for yourself when they are spewing or pushing back too hard and tell them when a statement of theirs simply isn't valid and you will not tolerate it.

 

EXCELLENT TECHNIQUE.

 

It's got a name too... the "swerve".

 

I still feel like crap from today's swerve, but I also felt that, when it comes to violence against an animal especially (but also making unreasonable demands), it was deserved. The good thing is, I think I handled it well, and I was certainly polite about it all, even when she made accusations against me.

 

LostinVan

[LostinVan]

It's about having a happy balance between the two and never putting your partner on a pedastel, because that sets unrealistic expectations and pressure for the both of you.

 

This, I *totally agree with*... I'm not even close to finding that balance yet. I think I need my ex to get out of the "angry" phase.

 

First couple of weeks, she was in agony / guilt / fear of hurting me, but knows she needed to do it phase.

 

It seems since Saturday at least, she's been in the "angry" phase. I just got off the phone with a mutual friend, who said my ex talked to her Sat evening and just railed on me and my bad habits. Today, well, she slapped the dog and started making a few demands.

 

Dan the man, did your ex go through this phase (I'm guessing she did)... did you see it, or was it in the N/C part of your quest?

 

I'm curious how long it lasts, and what comes later... reflection? doubt?

 

Is that the time to get yourself moving to "strike the balance for what will work" and start approaching the ex again with a solid game plan as to how any new relationship may proceed?

 

LostinVan

[danimal77]

Lost In Van,

 

My gf went through a whole slew of emotions and the most predominant and visible one to me, was anger. She would chop me down like a tree at any chance she could get, or I would let her. Over time though, the more she was exposed to me, the more her anger inevitably dissipated and this was against her better wishes to a certain extent, but being around me was washing away the pain and I wasn't a constant reminder anylonger of what had gone wrong, but what I was currently doing right and this made her reflect more on the positive attributes of the relationship and this has been progressing and moving her more and more in my direction.

 

Hope this answers your question. Be smart and react well to her. Do not attack when she is attacking. Stay calm during this time, but always remember to defend yourself and she will respect you for it too.