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My boyfriend of a year has been having nightmares about me sleeping with other guys for several months. He has nightmares about me sleeping with my ex, or with other random guys. I know my boyfriend is intimidated by my past, but I can't make these dreams go away. And I know my boyfriend still doesn't trust me 100 percent, but I'm a good girlfriend, and I have never lied to him. I feel like * * * * when he wakes up from a dream like that. He wakes up mad at me just because of what he saw in his dream! I always say "It's just a dream" because that's what it is! but he always gets mad and says: "It's not just a dream!" because, he says the dream feels so real. And what he's dreaming is "Something that actually happened" meaning he's seeing me sleep with someone in the dream who represents my ex boyfriend (who he's never met or seen). I know these dreams are just his visual interpetation of my past. He thinks sex with my ex was better for me than sex with him, which I've told him a million times ISN'T true! But because his dream is of something that I said I've done it's like he's considering the dream to be actual footage of my past, and he holds that against me! We've talked about ending the relationship before, because of conversations about my past, but we always resolve to just work it out. I just wanna know if these dreams unhealthy for our relationship?

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Because he's got all kinds of trust issues. And so do I but I trust him until he gives me a reason not to. And he's convinced that every other partner I've had was better, more aggressive, and lasted longer in bed. Anything I say otherwise, anything I don't remember about how sex used to be with anyone else, he doesn't believe. I feel like he doesn't believe anything I say.

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Because he's got all kinds of trust issues. And so do I but I trust him until he gives me a reason not to. And he's convinced that every other partner I've had was better, more aggressive, and lasted longer in bed. Anything I say otherwise, anything I don't remember about how sex used to be with anyone else, he doesn't believe. I feel like he doesn't believe anything I say.

 

Playing Devil's Advocate here for a moment, tell us the honest truth in the security of anonymity here: was the sex actually better with some/all of the others? I know you tell him it wasn't, and that's good, but what is the truth of it, as it happens?

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I know he's insecure. And I know these dreams are just his brain creating images based on what he's insecure about. So of COURSE what he's imagining is as bad as it can possibly be. But he says, he knows what sex is like, and because what he's imagining is based on what I've told him about my past then what he's seeing must be what I experienced with my ex.

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No it was not better. I've never loved anyone the way I love my boyfriend. The sex might've been longer before, but that's not necessarily better. Although, my boyfriend doesn't believe that.

 

Yeah, that's what I wondering. Your bf is undoubtedly insecure, and could benefit from some counselling to help with that, but insecurities always need something to feed off, so he's picking up something related to your sex life, and your response to it, that makes him think that your previous guys were all better. He is also certainly very uncomfortable with his sexual performance and is projecting that onto you. Therapy might help him discover the origin of that too.

 

It's not the dreams that are unhealthy per se, although they are somewhat damaging, but it's his underlying insecurity in regard to you, and fundamentally his lack of self-esteem, that is unhealthy, and make no mistake, it WILL kill the relationship, almost guaranteed, if it's not addressed.

 

You don't say anything about him, so it's hard to be very specific, but one thing you can do is try to get him to do something that will improve his self-esteem. For example, if he's out of shape, put him in situations where he will get exercise (without pushing him into it or making him feel you're unhappy with him the way he is), or if he feels like he doesn't know enough about something you're interested in, help him learn more. And of course, initiate sex a lot with him, which is a fast and easy route to boosting his self-esteem in that regard.

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So do I just go to my boyfriend and say "Hey you're insecure back off"? How should I approach the fact that he's insecure.

Overall I'd say he's pretty secure. I'm not sure how he sees himself, but he's healthy, good looking, in good shape for his age, he's talented, he's got lots of friends.

I know my boyfriend has had issues with his performance in bed with his other girlfriend's too. His ex left him and slept with other guys, when she came back she always told him that sex was better with the others. So when I tell him it's better with him he hears me telling him what I'm "supposed" to tell him.

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I think he is being incredibly immature. Does he also think the other men in your past had larger members?

 

I have had a couple of dreams where my girlfriend was fooling around on me, one where she was pregnant by another man, even one where she was a prostitute who didn't know me. You know what I do when I wake up from such dreams? I tell her and we both laugh because they are so absurd. I know she would never cheat on me and I trust her completely.

 

There isn't much you can do beyond what you have done. These are his insecurities. My only suggestion would be to try and make it as serious as possible the next time he brings it up. You have to really emphasize that what you are saying is the truth. If that requires grabbing both of his shoulders, staring into his eyes and saying with as much seriousness and emphasis as possible than do it. If he continues to bring it up tell him you have told him the truth and if continues to say it that you are hurt he does not trust you (the truth I imagine).

 

If he continues to do it and refuses to believe you, then I would see his insecurities as a red flag.

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Not sure why he is trying to make you "pay" for his ex-gf's heartless and hurtful behavior... if you have given him no reason to mistrust you then you really need to have a heart-to-heart with him about how this is negatively impacting your relationship. It can't be fun, or make you love him more, with a constant barrage of insecure behavior... if anything it can push you away. If he doesn't want that then he has to address this baggage. And if he really loves you he'll be willing to do that, together. Overcoming problems can also deepen your bond, so there is positive potential in the situation

 

good luck Tori.

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