Porn + Boyfriend = Curious Girlfriend

[Zaby_25]

Hey Guys,

 

I have the same old story of finding out that my boyfriend enjoys porn. It seems to me like it's almost every night. Some days I'm fine with it, some days I'm not. As we speak, I'm NOT fine with it. Part of it because I am so curious about it. I would like to be able to go back and look at the pictures that he looked at to see what he likes. He tells me that he hates porn movies, but he does watch a lot of pictures. From the few pictures I've seen, they are pictures of lesbians, mainly teens or twenties females.... I guess Dorm-like situations.

 

GUYS, I need your help! NOW!!!

 

1st, why are men so interested in lesbians?

 

2nd, would it be so bad if I went into is computer to look at his pictures?

 

3rd, why does it bother me so much? I've never been able to tell him in 5 years of being together that it bothers me. The worst of it is, is that it is now an obsession with me. I think about it every morning. Did he masturbate to porn yesterday night when I was sleeping? Sometimes, I can't even get to sleep thinking he might be doing it.

 

Please help... Thanks,

[dazedpunk1607306446]

1. men are interested in lesbians because it is somewhat exotic and becuase there are more then one woman. every man wants more than one woman at once somewhere inside.

 

2. i guess it wouldnt be too bad. but it shows there is some problem that ur obsessed by it.

 

3. it gets u cuz he looks at it when he should turn to u for these things, u think. dont feel bad, its normal. but talk to him, try to get him to stop it, if i bothers u

[Zaby_25]

Thanks for your help... There is only one thing. I'm reading about all these woman that tells they boyfriend/husband to stop it and I don't think it's the way to go.

 

1. They'll want to do it again and they'll do it and hide it from you. I don't want my boyfriend to make it a big secret or lie about it.

 

2. They could turn to other things which my not be better. Porn in itself, is not that bad...

 

What it comes down to is that:

 

1. I'm not very confident and I know that I haven't been very inventive in our last sex escapades. But he's not communicating is needs either. I need him to tell me what he wants too! I'm willing to do a lot! Just let me know! Woman are not mind readers either!!!

 

2. I want to be able to talk to him about it, but I'm affraid he'll be too ambarassed or ashamed. He once told me that he tought he did not have to share all of his fantasies with me. In a way I understand...

 

I love my boyfriend very much, but I need to find a comfort level with this porn thing. How can I brake the ice gently... I don't want him to stop altogether, but I'd like to understand why he does it... I just want him to comfort me basically.... Is that too hard to ask?

[halfpint1607306450]

I have been dealing with this problem with my husband for over two years now. (three episodes all together) We have been married for four years, almost five. He says he is completely satisfied with our sex life. I cannot bring myself to believe him, although I have really tried. He says that looking at porn on the net does not having anything to do with us or me. I dissagree because when it upsets me, it does effect me and us.

 

The first two times I found out by the internet history and temporary files. I told him that if he could not bring himself to stop, to at least delete the stuff so even if I did look for it, I wouldn't find it. (he's a computer tech) I was upset for days both times and talked with him about how it made me feel, him looking at teen girls when I'm in my 30's.(although I still get carded for boose )

 

He really believes that what he is doing is normal, and maybe it is, but I really feel like if he loved me like I love him, he wouldn't want to keep hurting me. I also told him that everytime I find out he's been looking at that stuff it makes me think less of him, emotionally. That also didn't seem to matter.

 

 

Anyway, this past weekend was the third time I found the sites on the computer. (six months since the second time) Again, I was obsessed with it, going to each site and looking at what he did, I have not idea why, pouring salt in the wound, but I do it everytime!

 

Mind you, this time he was looking at the teen pics just six hours after having sex with me.

 

#1 I'm mad that he didn't delete the crap and I found it again,

 

#2 it looks like a person that was completely satisfied with sex wouldn't need to look at porn that soon afterwards,

 

#3 he knows I found it, again, and hasn't spoken a word about it like everything is normal. Even though I can't hide being upset and withdrawn. He knows I'm hurting. If he would just re-assure me, it would mean the world.

 

I don't even want him to see me naked now, I feel like I'm being compared to some teen who has never seen stretchmarks or pull of gravity. (their days coming though! no offence)

 

We have, in the past, watched videos with him and looked at stuff on the net together, I know we're both curious and liked to laugh at some ametour stuff and discuss what we saw. (and it did spice things up) But not anymore, now it makes me too uncomfortable. Maybe this is partly my fault for watching it with him in the beginning, I donno.

 

Anyway, here's where I'm at with the whole mess. I have got to try and not let this ruin my marriage. It can't! Why? because even though this thing upsets me terribly, besides this problem, he is a terrific man. He treats me and the kids great and is dedicated to us. We get along in every other aspect of our marriage. He's always there for me. I know of no other couple that still gets along so well after four years. This porn thing is the only problem we have ever had.

 

So, I've decided to start focusing more on myself, rather than him. I'm going to do some things that I enjoy doing to feel better about myself. All I can really do is hope he does not become addicted or look elsewhere.

I've found out that addressing the situation just makes things worse. We are not going to agree on this subject. I think they will do it more because you don't want them to, just like a child. Unless he cheats on me, either by contacting or meeting someone on-line or off, I can only try and trust he will not want more than to look at the pics.

 

If anyone has any better advice, please share. I send lots of hugs to others that deal with this. The information highway can be your rock when you need someone to confide in, and, it can be your worst enemy at the same time! Sorry so long-winded!

 

Take care!

Half-pint

[Zaby_25]

Hi Half-Pint,

 

I totally understand where you are coming from as it is the same for me and my boyfriend. In every other aspect of our relationship, he is fantastic. I, however, do believe that him looking at porn as nothing to do with how he feels about me. It may have to do with the amount of sex we have sometimes. I haven't been feeling all that sexy lately. Partly because of stress and partly because of this problem. And I notice that he as been to a lot of websites lately. Same thing as you, teen things. But you know what? I'm so much more happy that he is looking a teen girls than at discusting huge boobed fake blonde womens. Just my opinion....

 

Maybe this would help to. I've tried to look at it more as a guy's point of view lately. I've started to do a bit the same than he does. Not watching porn, but taking care of myself when I feel like having sex. And you know what? I found that it is really true that sometimes you just want an orgasm not the whole sex for hours. Try it sometime... It really helped me....

 

All in all, I think men will always look at porn. I hate to think about it because I hate it so much myself. But I'm really trying to understand this whole thing. I haven't been able to talk to my boyfriend of 5 years about it. Although, I swear I will sometime... I just don't know how to bring it up... I think it need to be in a non treatening way... How did you open up to your husband about it?

[RubyInnocence]

Hey, here are my answers to your questions.

Men like lesbians because it's TWO girls. I don't think that men really like the fact that they are lesbians (which most girls in porns really aren't), it's just the fact that it's two girls, doing to each other what a man could do. Most guys who like lesbians have never actually been with two girls and probably wouldn't...it's like something mysterious and sexy for them to fantasize about.

I don't think it would be bad to look at his pictures, I can't think of a reason why that would be a problem.

Please don't make yourself upset about porn. Maybe your sex life needs a boost, so work on that rather than be angry. Porn is the only way that a guy can get out his sexual urges WITHOUT cheating on his girlfriend, which I'm sure you wouldn't want him to do. If you refuse to let him look at porn, but don't do anything to improve sexual relations between you two, he will probably either cheat or become irritable from lack of sex. It's just something a guy needs. It's like chocolate.

Please don't get yourself upset! Good luck!

[RubyInnocence]

It seems as though a lot of people are struggling with dealing with their boyfriend/husband looking at porn. I don't know how much help I can be, but if anyone wants to talk to me, I'd like to help. My boyfriend looks at porn, and we have a totally healthy relationship, but it does not bother me, and I look at it too. I would like to be able to talk to people one on one about this, because I don't understand why it upsets so many people, and I would like to understand. Anyone who wants to talk to me about this, please feel free to contact me at:

AIM: PWsBabyDoll

Email: email removed

Or send me a private message.

I would really like to help!

[kel03]

I have a little bit of advice...I hope this helps. I think if you're confident in yourself and trust your boyfriend/husband...then porn is just like a toy/tool..it could help and enhance your sex life not hinder it. My bf and I watch porn movies together sometimes and I tell him what kind of stuff I like and we have a very open communication. We both tell each other what we like and the sex is great. He's been very encouraging to me to workout more at the gym and he compliments me on my ass looking better. And the two girl thing is just a fanatasy...he won't act on it, I've talked to him about that too (cause he has that fanatasy as well). I told him if he wants two girls then I get two guys...and he shuts up right away. He's like no way, I don't share. Hehe...oh well then. He's fun, and we're both adventurous...you just have to learn to be inventive/creative and be open to trying new things or else sex will get stale once you're together for a couple of years. Try chocolate syrup, toys, porn movies, different positions/places...etc...and have fun. It's supposed to be fun and satisfying not a chore. And always always ask for what you want, guys like that too...it makes them feel like they can please you and then they tell you what they like in return.

[cookies]

im in agreement with Kel.

 

Men are stimulated by "sight"...its like a delicious eye candy they can almost taste...we women are mostly stimulated thru "emotions"...but i guarantee if any of u watched a p*rn movie with ur husband or man, ud get so hott and wet, ur sex life will be an amazing experience together...

 

Try to make it an even trade. If he satisfies u emotionally,...he may be lookin in the books. but what are doing to stimulate him visually? Nothin wrong with walkin around with little of nothing on...it may put him in the mood to be with u...help him out a lil,...be naughty if u must...without me going into details...its ok 4 good girls to be "bad" in ur home...take care of ur man, and he wont have a need to go elsewhere...

 

Many times, porn enhances couple´s sex life, and prolongs happiness in their marriage...with NO infidelity outside, because they are comfortable enough with themselves to allow room for these experiences AND more. By women b*tching and griping about some chik in a book, and something they have no control over,...it can and does weaken the bond between two ppl in a relationship, and could even push him away to do things you´ve accused him of...

 

Just take a different approach in how u handle this situation. Cant beat em, join em... Try involving urself...rent a porn movie, then watch it with him. OR, if ur really horny and u wanna get it good when u come home...let him know what u expect, and he may open that book and give uk the satisfaction uve been craving all day...surely he will be good and ready 4 u when u walk in the door...use it to ur advantage, not against urself...

 

Add your own flavours to it, to break up the monotony of him just being into the books...gettin edible panties, or edible body paints...chocolate syrup ..whatEVA...add to his pleasure just as ud like him to please you with the edible delicatesies...

 

Regardless, its unhealthy for a relationship to grow when theres no communication, open ness and willingness to try different things to enhance ur sex life. You hafta keep it just as interesting as it was when u first grew in love. I dont care what nobody says, it IS possible...

 

take it 4 a test drive, and see what marital benefits the sex life will ultimately gain...

 

 

cookies

[sisterlynch]

There is something about their brains that they have to keep looking at it everynight instead of coming to bed where they should be. Not that it is any excuse but there was a girl at work who was harassing my husband while a lot of this was going on.

 

I erased a lot of his files, then he put on some more and I erased them again. Finally he stopped after we talked a number of times. Our relationship is 200% what it always has been. We've been together 17 years.

 

It isn't easy, but it is necessary to stand up for yourself! He will only respect you if you do. He says it is ok, because he knows that you'll give in. It isn't good for your relationship because the truth is it makes him distant and unaccountable for your happiness.

[Zaby_25]

Hey guys,

 

I just thank you for your wonderful advice. I was hoping to get intelligent advice from wife/girlfriends with experience on this. Thanks you so much. I admit I do feel a lot better about this whole situation. I'm really going to make an effort to change my views on this.

 

On to the next part then... What are the things that I could do to spice it up a bit? Last year I bought a complete garder belt set, but have never had the guts to wear it in front of him... Also, I'm VERY VERY clumsy... But I dream of dancing in front of him!!! How would I start????

[cookies]

[ im glad ur feeling better zaby_25, because thats the purpose and benefits of what i call "sisterhood"...hookin a sista up...haha...

 

by changing ur views, or trying to meet him half way, will only help u in the long run sis, and totally change the way u both perform in bed...and the best thing of it all is that...you will reap the benefits, not some other woman in the streets. Not very many women are willing to be open minded with the enjoyment of porn with their men, which is their porogative, but men do find it appealing if a respectable woman that carries herself with dignity and class in the public, AND this same "good" girl that he has introduced to his mother,... can hold it down with surprises for him in the bedroom...

 

Thats very sexy...

 

Find out what ur man likes and fantasizes about, and YOU be the one to bring it to life in the bedroom...as long as its within reason however. Edible panties, and the different body edibles (body paint, chocolate syrups, etc) are great from what i understand. Dont over do it with the perfumes, it smells great, but can mess up his taste buds,...whereas your very own natural smell can work wonders in arousing your man,...do keep ur body fresh. Use fruity (like apple or plumeria body washes) it doesnt leave an after taste like perfumes will, but u will smell good, and taste so good 2 ur husband,...he may just try to eat u up...

haha...

 

making urself irresistible for your man is definitely a plus in the romatic department...and u can even become his best friend with watching porn together. If he watches it with his buddies,all he can do is talk about it, but u can take it to a whooole entirely different level...

 

dancing=?...thats a universal language to men´s ears. Give your husband a good lapdance...aint nothin wrong with that. Certain behaviours should be kept private and not publicly thats inappropriate for a "respectable woman".,..besides, who has a "need to know" how a "GOOD GIRL" can turn her man out in the bedroom?...dont hafta be a stripper to please ur OWN man...

 

I think that women can be more in control of their sex lives than we realize, just hafta take in all the knowledge, make an effort to keep it fresh,...body tyte...im sure if he know what he has waitin on him...he will be half dressed b4 he even parks the car in the garage...

 

cookies

[overcorrect]

I read this entire post with some complete intrigue! You women are very insightful!

From a guys point of view let me tell you what I think...

I personally believe there is nothing wrong with watching porn. What I find is that what is depicted on the screen is what I fantasize my girl would do for me. It doesn't mean I want her to be that girl on the screen.

A woman dressed in a business suit is completely incredible and sexy and at the same time very professional and classy.

A woman dressed in a business suit with some provocative lingere underneath it for her man's eyes only is just over the top!!!

Of course, I am not saying to be exactly like the girls on the videos... I'm just saying add a little spice to it.

For example: say I see some "hot" chick dressed very provocative to the point it's almost inappropriate ("I like inappropriate" is my motto)... I don't fantasize necessarily about that woman, I fantasize about what my girl would look like dressed up for me like that. Of course, fantasizing about my girlfriend dressed like that (or in the case of porn, undressed like that) could lead to other private things if she wasn't around or readily available. i.e.:

Yes, men are very visual.

I agree wholeheartedly with cookies (again). The fact that men want a classy and respectable woman in public and a sex-fiend in bed is exactly right...

The most awesome awesome Valentine's present I ever got from my girl was the complete surprise when I came home and she was wearing red panties, red thigh highs and red platform high heel shoes and waiting for me.

The surprise was the best part of it all.

[joeamerican]

(I know this works because I'm man and my wife tried it)

To keep your man off porn try this.

 

first thing in the morning wake him up to have sex.

 

when (you/him) gets home from work take him to bed.

 

one hour before bed time sex.

 

if he's not up to it at any of these occasions help him out IE oral. hand. whatever.

 

repeat this every day 7 days a week for 52 weeks.

 

my wife did this for a week and I just could not look at porn or want to during that time.

but on the 8th day she said to keep my porn because she need a break.

Men have so much higher sex drives than the average woman.

it must be 1000 to 1. read some journals of women that went

transgender and their adjustment to hormone treatment to get a womens

understanding of how often men think of sex. because it's pretty close to

what men go though everyday. if you ask a man how often he thinks of sex he'll probably say 20 times or so

but thats just a rough ideal of what he remembers but really it's like 200 times a day.

[jessica]

me and my boyfriend have a long distance relationship but we are together for a month every 4 weeks. i know my bf looks at porn and i have no problems with this.. it is only pictures on a screen and i feel it is harmless. i might look myself every few weeks, but i know he looks every day. what i do have problems with tho is that he also does cyber sex with women online, and that hurts me, we have tried talking about it, he knows it upsets me, and i have given him the freedom to do what he wants to, hoping that by knowing it hurts me he may stop, but he says its only a bit of fun and he wouldnt counsider doing it in real life, which partly i believe, but it doesnt make it easier when there is a real women on other end of pc somewhere getting it on with him. it still continues.

it has also been harder me knowing that he has profiles on online dating agencies which he still accesses to receive mails etc, (he doesnt know i know this) and he claims to be a single man. i know he loves me and i love him too. when we are apart i dress in sexy clothes and send him lots of photos to keep his sexual interests up, i would always be there if he wanted cyber with me on the net, but it never happens.

i think most men fantisise about the 2 women thing, in fact it is one of my fantises also, which is why i would prefer if he really wants sex with another woman why not bring her into bed with us that rather do it behind my back online with me out of the picture.

porn can spice up a sex life, when we have sex he talks dirty and talks about things that he thinks would turn me on like having more people in bed with etc, which works, and i am not naiive enough to think that i am not the only attractive person in the world to him and am sure he has porn pictures in his head while we make love that makes him more aroused, which is ok too. everyone has fantasises. i would just prefer it if his fantasies stayed between us too and not include cybersex infidelity.

[KM]

This is my first post...

 

jessica, I'll be honest. I'm a guy, and if I had a girlfriend I wouldn't be cybering online with other girls. That just seems wrong. You have every right to not want him to do that. You should just ask him, "If you have me, why do you have this desire to be cybering with strangers?"

 

As for the 2 women at once, I'll tell you right now, as a guy, that is like the "ultimate fantasy." Even though odds are it will never ever ever in a million years happen to me, that is in the back of all our minds, it's just like "an unachievable piece of orgasmic excellence."

 

Now, even though I lack experience in the subject matter, normally I would say that bringing in another woman would complicate matters. If your boyfriend is already cybering, then he'd have times that he'd just be having sex with the new woman.

 

Now, the following MIGHT happen, just a might. He could take the whole extra woman thing as the green light to have sex with all the other women he wants as well. For the most part, he's a man, he'll rationalize that "she doesn't mind me boinking other women" then he could go nuts.

 

But I digress. To sum it up, he shouldn't be cybering. If he won't give that up he really doesn't deserve you. I mean, he's got a woman who is considering the whole threesome aspect, and that is just, well, paradise as far as a hormone driven man is concerned...

 

I'll leave the whole "should I have a threesome" question up to you guys, but I'm sure he'd thank you for it...

[pi_anochik]

Hi....hope this helps any.

 

In responce to:

1) I myself, as a women, was curios as to why men seem to like lesbians so much, so I asked my cousin who is six months younger than I (we are both teens) and his answer was actually quite practical and logical. His reason as to why guys like lesbians was because it's women doing things erotic to one another without a *man* in the way. Let's face it, most heterosexual guys don't get turned on by other guys, they get turned on by women. This being so, they would much rather see two women going at it then a woman and a man...(even though they probably couldn't have either woman if they were both true lesbians...lol)

 

2)I don't think it would be. He looks at them, why couldn't you? It does show an insecurity, but you are insecure about it. You're curios, which is completely natural.

 

3)It bothers you because you want to be the only female attraction in his life. I don't blame you! I would too if I were in your shoes. You also might feel like there's something wrong with you if he has to look at things like that for enjoyment, but trust me, there isn't. It's just a thing all guys do (trust me...every guy i kNOW watches it) I would suggest not to worry about it, but that's just me.

[linzelu]

I ws fully aware of my boyfriend's collection of porn when we moved in together and I had no problem with it at first. We would watch it together sometimes and it made the sex that evening wonderful. My problem with it has surfaced in the past few months. I noticed since we got a computer he has subscribed to playboy net and penthouse, we already get the magazines so why does he need more? I've figured out that anytime he is home alone he is watching porn and masturbating. I don't have a problem with some porn but when it's all the time I can't help but feel like I'm not enough. The strange thing is that I want to have sex way more than he does. What's up with that? I am just confused, frustrated, and extremely hurt by this. I left him a little note taped to the computer screen yesterday that explained my frustration, but he hasn't said anything to me about it. I hope it gets better. I don't want porn to ruin a great relationship.

Please help me..