Trying to understand this girl

[grymoire]

come on Hers, i am not taking it as a personal stab against me.

 

i am just curious about this behavior. i am also wondering if i always have to be the one to keep asking her for lunch. or should i stop asking her. i am just looking for advice here. not saying that this girl hates me.

[sosilver]

Sounds like she likes having lunch with you, could be your personality and conversation topics and anyway you maintain the conversation for her and keep it going. She probably agrees each time because she likes your company, but she is subtly drawing a line...like you said, if someone is not interested they can say they are busy...she would have done that way before. She seems to communicate ok thru email.

[grymoire]

Sounds like she likes having lunch with you, could be your personality and conversation topics and anyway you maintain the conversation for her and keep it going. She probably agrees each time because she likes your company, but she is subtly drawing a line...like you said, if someone is not interested they can say they are busy...she would have done that way before. She seems to communicate ok thru email.

 

can you expound on this a tad more?

 

She probably agrees each time because she likes your company, but she is subtly drawing a line...like you said, if someone is not interested they can say they are busy...she would have done that way before.

 

what do you mean by she is drawing a line?

[keenan]

i am just curious about this behavior you know... if i am interested i would say 'yes' for lunch and talk well during lunch. if i am not interested i would say 'hey i am busy' and leave it at that.. can you understand what i am trying to say here?

 

Sure I can. I agree that it's unusual behavior. You know she's smart, you know she's nice, and you know that she doesn't want for interesting experiences or projects to discuss. Given that, what's left is that she either doesn't know she's behaving atypically (which is possible), or she knows but just can't seem to do anything about it. Who knows...she could be sitting there munching on her Cafeteria Special in contented oblivion, listening to the pleasant hum of your voice, or she could be anxiously running little hamster wheels in her own head, trying to figure out what ot say next. It sounds more likely that it's the former. Henceforth you can refer to her as your Very Quiet and Somewhat Awkward Married Work Friend. I wish that formed a fun acronym, but we can't win them all.

[sosilver]

What I meant is that, she likes having lunches with you but may be maintaining a distance. The reason is probably that she is a married woman, and people are quick to jump to conclusions. She may justify having a lunch with you by thinking that she doesnt ask you, you ask her. But she wont take it to the next level by asking you. To her that may be taking it a step further. Now about her not talking much during the lunches, I dont know, may be she is a quiet type of person, really depends on how she interacts with her other acquaintances also. All in all, if she was uncomfortable or had to say no, it wouldnt take ten lunches. You initiated each time, she agreed. To me this comes off as her having a good time but she cant reciprocate. Could be mental thing for her?

[grymoire]

Sure I can. I agree that it's unusual behavior. You know she's smart, you know she's nice, and you know that she doesn't want for interesting experiences or projects to discuss. Given that, what's left is that she either doesn't know she's behaving atypically (which is possible), or she knows but just can't seem to do anything about it. Who knows...she could be sitting there munching on her Cafeteria Special in contented oblivion, listening to the pleasant hum of your voice, or she could be anxiously running little hamster wheels in her own head, trying to figure out what ot say next. It sounds more likely that it's the former. Henceforth you can refer to her as your Very Quiet and Somewhat Awkward Married Work Friend. I wish that formed a fun acronym, but we can't win them all.

 

HAHAHA... hilarious post.... nice one

[grymoire]

Oh ok, thx for the clarification. Understandable.

 

I have never really seen her talk to some one at all..... some times i see her talking to her team-mates... but none outside of it. i have seen her jogging/walking alone on the road...

 

hmmm... whatever... now given this what should do i do? quit asking her for lunch?

[laisla]

I just want to get to know her as a friend, as a person. Not sure why this is so difficult to understand. If I had romantic interest in this woman I would have put this thread in Dating section.

 

it's better to get to know her with a bunch of other friends. going to lunches one-on-one very often seems suspicious.

 

hmmm... whatever... now given this what should do i do? quit asking her for lunch?

 

do you ask about her husband? maybe she will be more open to talking about that.

[sosilver]

Seems like you expected an interactive smart person from whom you could learn a thing or two. And she may very well be that but not in the making conversation area....What should you do? Really depends on how much this bothers you...are you ok initiating lunches and conversations all the while? If not, then dont ask her...leave it at hello in the hallway...

[grymoire]

haha... i just went to the kitchen to get some water and my "Very Quiet and Somewhat Awkward Married Work Friend" was returning back with a coffee... we looked at each other and she did her typical nod. i somehow managed to control my laughter and smiled and walked away... OMG i usually have trouble controlling my laughter but thankfully i did it this time

[sosilver]

This whole thing is weird, and you are extremely patient

[grymoire]

it's better to get to know her with a bunch of other friends. going to lunches one-on-one very often seems suspicious.

 

do you ask about her husband? maybe she will be more open to talking about that.

 

yea next time may be i can bring some one with me..

 

and yes i regularly ask about her husband. he works in another tech company and so i always ask about his work and how are things at his company. but then again she does the same thing - answer the question and continue eating

[hers]

Why are you wanting to laugh at her? I think that's very immature.

 

The reason I say you're taking it as a personal stab is b/c you think you should stop asking her to lunch. Like she's very disappointing and you can't be bothered. That's why I said that.

 

As a whole do you enjoy lunch with her? If you do, continue what you're doing. If you can't handle that some people are quiet, then stop asking her.

[grymoire]

Why are you wanting to laugh at her? I think that's very immature.

 

The reason I say you're taking it as a personal stab is b/c you think you should stop asking her to lunch. Like she's very disappointing and you can't be bothered. That's why I said that.

 

As a whole do you enjoy lunch with her? If you do, continue what you're doing. If you can't handle that some people are quiet, then stop asking her.

 

i felt like laughing because i am still laughing at keenan's description of her as a "Very Quiet and Somewhat Awkward Married Work Friend". right after reading that post i saw her and i felt like laughing.

 

you should probably quit assuming the worst about me always Hers.

[hers]

I'm not assuming the worst about you. You do the same with me and others and always so don't say that. I'm just going off of what you say.

 

My apologies for saying you're immature for laughing at her. I didn't realize you were laughing about keenan's comment.

 

Regardless, I think she's just introverted and is content with her interactions with you. You eitherneed to accept that and continue your lunches with her or if you're not content with it, stop asking her to lunch. Simple.

[grymoire]

I'm not assuming the worst about you. You do the same with me and others and always so don't say that. I'm just going off of what you say.

 

My apologies for saying you're immature for laughing at her. I didn't realize you were laughing about keenan's comment.

 

Regardless, I think she's just introverted and is content with her interactions with you. You eitherneed to accept that and continue your lunches with her or if you're not content with it, stop asking her to lunch. Simple.

 

i did not laugh at her. i felt like laughing but managed to control and just smiled at her. ](*,)](*,)

[Lucy__lou]

The thing that truly intrigues me is why would a person be willing to do lunch with someone but yet be only in response mode. Also she has never asked me for lunch.

fear of rejection.

[grymoire]

fear of rejection.

 

oh come on now... we are colleagues and the woman is married...

[hers]

Being rejected isn't just a phobia for people looking to date. When you're very shy, you feel rejection from anyone, whether it's a colleague, a friend, a significant other, even a family member. try to be more understanding with her. It's not easy for many people out there.

[grymoire]

Being rejected isn't just a phobia for people looking to date. When you're very shy, you feel rejection from anyone, whether it's a colleague, a friend, a significant other, even a family member. try to be more understanding with her. It's not easy for many people out there.

 

I get it Hers... its just that I cannot believe that she is shy... she actively participates in so many activities...

 

Well whatever... we'll see how it goes.

[penelope13]

Gry, I don't really understand why it is so difficult for you to grasp (sorry to be so blunt) that some people are simply different in their behavior. She seems to be the kind of person who is too akward to take initiative, but has no problem of reacting to people. As someone already suggested, this type of behavior is usually based on a fear of rejection when taking initiative. It's no problem to react to someone, because the fear of rejection is nullified by the other person having clearly expressed an interest. This behavior usually affects all aspects of a person's life.

 

I have a colleague who is similar: she has been in this position for many years and is working really hard (she has an immense fear of underperforming or not being considered 'good enough' so she overcompensates by working crazy hours), so by now you would assume that she has confidence and some kind of standing in the group. However her fear of rejection makes her very akward around people: she never initiates conversations and if nobody asks her she goes to lunch by herself. If someone does ask she always says yes and seems to like it, although she doesn't initiate much conversation either. This fear of initiating conversation once put her into a really ridiculous situation. We were all at a conference outside the city, which was a bit difficult to access by public transport. Since she never mentioned that she needed a ride we had all assumed that she had transport. When we arrived we found out that it took her hours to arrive at this remote little place. When the meeting was over, we saw that she was sitting at the bus stop. We offered her a ride and she willingly accepted. But she never once considered asking us herself.

 

You can either accept that your colleague is like that, or you should not interact with her socially anymore.

[grymoire]

wow, such a serious tone penelope...

 

i just found her behavior to be very puzzling and was curious to understand why she behaves the way she does. that's all. i don't understand why people are getting mad at me now.

[hers]

See, grym, you're assuming the worst about people's answers, just as you accused me of. Penelope is just not sugar coating anything. We just don't understand why the concept is difficult for you to grasp--she's different. That's all. It doesn't mean she is a shut in and doesn't enjoy activities. It just means that she's shy. Plain and simple. There's nothing else to try to figure out.

[grymoire]

See, grym, you're assuming the worst about people's answers, just as you accused me of. Penelope is just not sugar coating anything. We just don't understand why the concept is difficult for you to grasp--she's different. That's all. It doesn't mean she is a shut in and doesn't enjoy activities. It just means that she's shy. Plain and simple. There's nothing else to try to figure out.

 

I am not assuming the worst of every one here Hers. If that was the case I would have made the same comment about everyone that replied. But I am just finding some responses to be serious and am wondering why.

 

Fine - that girl is shy. Let's leave it at that. Big deal.

[penelope13]

wow, such a serious tone penelope...

 

I don't think i was being particular serious (oh well, I didn't make jokes ;-)), and I am not mad at you, why should I be? It just seems that every suggestion as to why this person acts in a particular way does not seem to satisfy you as an answer.

 

Sometimes there are no mysteries behind someones behavior, they are simply just the way they are. No more or less to it.

 

So the question that comes to my mind (as I asked before): why do you believe there is something else behind her behavior than simply shyness/ social awkwardness ?