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I need help to understand what to do...


needherback

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Hi there,

 

I have been on these forums for the last 4 months but not posted and found them a huge help to me.

 

I have a problem though, i will start from the beginning.......

 

I was going out with my ex for 2 years, we lived together had a very good relationship and had holidays a dog etc and were planning a future together

(we were trying for children)

 

I am 27 and she is 26.

 

Just before xmas i noticed a change in her, only a week before we split up. she seemed to go distant as if i had done something (to my knowledge i had not).

 

She then said we need to talk and broke it off woth me quating she loved me but was not in love with me.

 

Anyway sufice to say i was extremely shocked and emtional, i did the begging etc and she kept disapeering saying she was at "friends" etc. ( iget to this part later).

 

Well around 2 weeks after we broke up she admitted to me that she was seeing someone else now and had met them "after" we broke up.

 

Apprently this guy she met was a old flame from around 5-6 years ago who she had cheated on her last boyfriend with, the new guy had also cheated on his girlfriend with my now ex previously.

 

Anyway, well a bit of time goes by, ive tried nc, ive tried lc, it seems to always end up in lc though.

 

Well what i have since found out is she was seeing him a bit before, i dont know how long for, i dont think she cheated physically much, maybe if at all but definetly emotionally, im not sure for how long either, i would say for at least 2 weeks before we broke up though.

 

The point is, she is now living with him in my old house, my old bed my funiture etc and yes it kills me a bit.

 

I still want her back though, i really really do, ive tried my hardest to not want her, to hate her, to get herout of my life but nothing works, it always comes back to me wanting her back.

 

Well the other thing is, she is more than happy to see me, we meet up and go for lunch etc or for breaks, and we work together (not in same department and on a different floor etc).

 

What i dont get is, why does she meet me and want to be freinds, when were together itslike nothing has happened and were together, then it ends and im left wanting more.

 

I want to tell her how much i still love her and how i would forgive her etc but i dont think it will make a difference. There going on holiday together very soon, even if she did still love me i doubt she would do anything until she had this holiday.

 

Basically, what do i dom i know deep down somewere she cares for me. I dont want to loose her totally out of my life. I really want her back and want things to work out.

 

Im so miserable with it all its eating me inside. Please i need your advise on this before i go (more) insane!

 

So my question is, is it worth my time pursuing this dream based on the fact she still see's me and still seems to enjoy my company. It feels like when were together she holds back a bit as if she doesnt want to fully commit to being happy withme or admit it to herself. I dont know if im reading too far into it.

 

Its like when i text her, sometimes she leaves it ages to reply other times its straight way.

 

If i had a new girlfriend i wouldnt like her hangin around her ex, so i feel sorry for the new guy as i think she will end up screwing him over eventually, i maybe wrong i dont know.

 

But do i go for my dreams or back off?

 

Another thing is when i see her i then end up texting her more than i should for just a friend or trying to get her to see me more and more, i cant help it its like a snowball effect!

 

Im ranting now, you get the idea.

 

So, what do i do, and please, how do i go about it as all the things i have read dont seem to make a difference!

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How can you still want her back while she sleeps with someone else? How about your self-esteem?

 

I always chased after my exes, every single time they broke up with me ( happened 3 times in my life). I admit that I absolutely don't have a high self-esteem, but I wouldn't chase an ex when found out he had someone else.

I can't love someone who is loving someone else.

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I've been on this site a month, and I've learned quite a bit.

 

Have you ever thought that, the reason your ex is keeping you as a "friend" is because:

(1) It makes her feel better, and lessens her guilt, about breaking your heart.

(2) She wants someone there, just in case new guy doesn't work out how she hoped.

 

Dude. I think many of us on here want our ex's back to an extent, but the majority of us just aren't that lucky.

 

You have to let her go. Completely. You obviously still have romantic feelings for her, which she doesn't have in return, and you're not healing. It's not helping you to stick around and try being her friend, when in reality you're hoping for something more.

 

She's 26, so she should know what she wants. And apparently, that isn't you. Sorry to sound so harsh, but it's probably true.

 

Like I said--let her go. Don't try being her friend until you feel that you can handle a friendship with her, and nothing more. As hard as it may be, I think you really do need to go complete NC--you can do it! Everybody can! But you need time to get over it all, and you need to get your life and priorities back in order before you can even handle being in a relationship again (whether it be with her, or someone else).

 

Don't get your hopes up on getting back with her though. She may still care for you--but it's not enough care to want to be with you and love you. She's sleeping with the new guy, she's having fun with him, leave it at that. Get out of her life.

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I guess your right, i know it myself i just dont want to admit it. I can give advise but it comes to sorting my own head out im just a idiot. I feel like such a idiot for still having these feelings from so long ago, 4 months have passed and it feels like 4 days.

 

I need to man up and move on from this before it drags me down further, i guess i just needed to see it from someone elses perspective that doesnt know me and isnt biased.

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You're not an idiot. It's hard when we were so devoted to someone, and loved them with all our hearts, and then they just up and leave.

 

It takes a while to get over it, and some get over it quicker than others.

 

Either way, as has been mentioned on these boards numerous times, the only way to begin your healing process properly is to let her go, and stay away, until you feel confident that you can be around her in a non-romantic way.

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i know your right, im going to try go for full no contact again (even though in my heart it is going to kill me!) I feel like such a looser sometimes. Well i guess it is time to pick up my life.

 

I'll go no contact on a positive note from seeing her today, i just hope i can manage it!

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First off realize you are not looking at this logically or objectively. You’re making decisions based on your feeling and emotions. Bad move, BAD MOVES. We’ve all done it though... you are not the first nor the last. Learn from it, grow from it.

 

I’m not going to go into lengthy explanations for everything I’m going to point out a few of the items that are killers. Bud I’m going to be blatantly blunt with you… not to be an ass but to really drive the point home for you.

 

 

You need to be angry about this situation and angry with her.

 

 

Just before xmas i noticed a change in her, only a week before we split up. she seemed to go distant as if i had done something (to my knowledge i had not).

 

She then said we need to talk and broke it off woth me quating she loved me but was not in love with me.

You didn’t do anything, she did. In hindsight you have realized at this point is when she began, in all likelihood, physically cheating on you?

Anyway sufice to say i was extremely shocked and emtional, i did the begging etc and she kept disapeering saying she was at "friends" etc. ( iget to this part later).

 

Begging and pleading equals weak and needy (bad). Sure she was at a “friends”. Although the “friend” was this guy and they were having sex.

 

Well around 2 weeks after we broke up she admitted to me that she was seeing someone else now and had met them "after" we broke up.

 

Ah… yeah… Nice. You do know she’s lying right?

 

Anyway, well a bit of time goes by, ive tried nc, ive tried lc, it seems to always end up in lc though.

 

You don’t try No Contact. You either do it or you don’t. What you were doing is limited contact. Were you still begging and pleading with her telling her how you’d take her cheating skank butt back while doing limited contact?

 

The point is, she is now living with him in my old house, my old bed my funiture etc and yes it kills me a bit.

 

Be mad. Be very mad. Anger in this situation is your friend. This woman is a turd. A small moist turd dangling from the ass of life. Yes, read it again… a turd. Say it out loud a couple times…. TTTTT UUUUUURRRRRR DDDDD

 

I still want her back though, i really really do, ive tried my hardest to not want her, to hate her, to get herout of my life but nothing works, it always comes back to me wanting her back.

 

Oh my GOD! Come on man… What are you thinking? You’re not thinking with your brain that’s obvious. Look at what has went on… look what is going on… SHE’S BEEN CHEATING ON YOU. You can’t be serious! This is not a good relationship. This is the crap that makes Jerry Springer episodes.

 

You know all those neat little sex tricks she performed for you… well she’s performing them for him now and he’s got her wearing a spiked collar.

 

Dude… seriously get some self-respect. I realize this whole situation hurts like hell but this woman is no good. She will never be any good. Walk away. No, actually run away.

 

Well the other thing is, she is more than happy to see me, we meet up and go for lunch etc or for breaks, and we work together (not in same department and on a different floor etc).

 

What i dont get is, why does she meet me and want to be freinds, when were together itslike nothing has happened and were together, then it ends and im left wanting more.

 

Of course she happy that you’re hanging around like a begging puppy. You’re diluted with thoughts that it’ll bring you back together, which it will not. So what does she get out of this “friendship”?

• Think of the ego boost that is; she cheats on you and you’re still pining over her, just wrapped on that finger.

• It also eases her guilt that she is and has been a cheating skank.

• You being this friendly lap dog serves to provide her confirmation that her behavior towards you was warranted and acceptable.

 

Think of the respect she has for you now…

 

I want to tell her how much i still love her and how i would forgive her etc but i dont think it will make a difference. There going on holiday together very soon, even if she did still love me i doubt she would do anything until she had this holiday.

 

What for? Do ya think it’ll bring her back? Hasn’t worked up to this point now has it?

Her respect level for you at this point can only be described as “worm belly” .

 

Basically, what do i dom i know deep down somewere she cares for me. I dont want to loose her totally out of my life. I really want her back and want things to work out.

 

She does not give a damn about you. She hasn’t given a damn about you since well before Christmas when she was having sex with the other guy.

 

If you get your poop in a group and actually start thinking logically and objectively about this situation YOU WANT THIS B_TCH OUT OF YOUR LIFE!!

Heed my advice and what everyone else is going to be telling you. Run away from her. Do not speak to her ever again. Treat her like what she is… a turd.

 

Im so miserable with it all its eating me inside. Please i need your advise on this before i go (more) insane!

 

Be pissed. Get ANGRY….

 

Use your anger to get over this turd and move on with your life. You’ll be much happier and better off.

 

So my question is, is it worth my time pursuing this dream based on the fact she still see's me and still seems to enjoy my company. It feels like when were together she holds back a bit as if she doesnt want to fully commit to being happy withme or admit it to herself. I dont know if im reading too far into it.

 

No. It is not worth pursuing. It’s not a dream it’s a nightmare.

 

Its like when i text her, sometimes she leaves it ages to reply other times its straight way.

 

You’re such a good little puppy. She taught you to beg and rollover but did she teach you to sit and play dead?

 

If i had a new girlfriend i wouldnt like her hangin around her ex, so i feel sorry for the new guy as i think she will end up screwing him over eventually, i maybe wrong i dont know.

 

No… do you really think so…

 

But do i go for my dreams or back off?

 

You run away. Far, far away.

 

 

Another thing is when i see her i then end up texting her more than i should for just a friend or trying to get her to see me more and more, i cant help it its like a snowball effect!

 

Actually the medical term for this is called: SKANK ADDICTION

 

It is treatable.

 

So, what do i do, and please, how do i go about it as all the things i have read dont seem to make a difference!

 

Well by this point I hope I’ve given you some guidance on what you need to do. But alas… I think I know what you’re going to do.

 

Beg and plead.

Be her “friend”.

Continue to ask the same questions until you get the answer you WANT to hear vs. what you NEED to hear.

 

Friend, I’m sorry for your pain and your loss. I do feel for you. Do yourself a favor, get out now. Dodge the bullet. Drop her like she’s hot.

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Mate i hear what your saying and to be hones, everything you say is right. You know screw it ive been on a head trip since this happened and just not realised what a * * * * * she really is.

 

Thanks for your honesty, i know what you say is true, im going to keep far away now i have to. im really going to do it now though!

 

Honest to god i will do my f******* best, screw this * * * * man i aint letting it screw me up anymore.

 

Cheers

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Good for you. You do not need the heartache. She will not treat you well.

 

Your best revenge... SUCCEED.

 

SUCCEED in life.

SUCCEED in love.

 

When that trollope comes sniffing around roll up a news paper and slap that b_tch on the nose. Bad dog.

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