30 year old Boyfriend was a virgin/never had a girlfriend before me --HELP!!!

[allie100]

Role playing? Yep, I'm really annoyed lol.

 

So you gotta tell us...how did this start? I'll put 10 grand on you asking him out. No way on God's green earth someone with his history at 30 is going to ask a girl out on a date. Did you have to convince him?

 

Actually, I WAS the one to ask him out, but not for the reason you're probably thinking of. I'm somewhat traditional in my views of male/female relationships and believe 100% that the man should predominately (not soley) court or pursue the woman, but since he was my superior he literally COULDN'T ask me out - it would have been a violation of power and left him and the company (which is family-owned) open to all types of sexual harassment lawsuits should things have gone badly and I was the kind of girl to seek retribution.

 

The relationship between us began as me taking him under my wing in a strictly platonic way. His best friend who I mentioned earlier also works with us and although they've known each other since they were in diapers he's comlpletely neglected their relationship since he got married. It's as if he doesn't even want anything to do with my boyfriend anymore and with me being the social butterfly I am, I could sit by and let someone who I saw so much life in sit there and waste away because nobody wanted to take the time to really get to know him. He would tell me that he really didn't do much but play computer games and hole up in his house because nobody came to call on him anymore. So I started inviting him out with my friends and I. I'd have bonfires at my house and after my marriage ended our platonic relationship grew into something more.

 

Bottom line is I am really in love with this man. He's got some quirks, just as I do I'm sure, and I'm just struggling to find a common ground between his loner nature and my need for lots and lots of affection and affirmation. I don't want him to feel smothered, but I also don't want to feel lonely all the time. There has got to be a way we can make this work or that I can approach him without sounding needy and clingy.

[Blanco Nino]

This is going to sound conniving but I mentioned your story to a friend of mine last night. Hot chick(I had a feeling...and turns out I was right!) falls for 30 year old virgin, gamer, role player etc that's never had a GF.

 

We came to the conclusion that if someone at that age does not know how to start or maintain a relationship then they won't really won't know how to end it either. So really you are free to manipulate for a while. You might as well come strong with all sorts of ideas like hiking, beach, biking etc etc. Go ahead and see how much you can change him. Women change us all no matter how much we hate to admit it. Otherwise The Notebook would not have made a poop ton of money.

 

If he does not change then the rest is on you and how much you can take. So really like anything in life it's all on your shoulders in the end.

[allie100]

I don't really want to change him or be conniving. I don't want to use any gamesmanship or dishonest methods here, I just want him to get it, ya know? I want to be able to explain it to him and have it sink in.

 

It's like an only child learning to share. When it's just him he doesn't have to compromise or play any game he doesn't want to play b/c he's alone. The flip side to that though is that he's exceedingly lonely and he never learns to interact with others. Then a playmate comes along and while he's not lonely anymore, he's got to share his toys, and his play space. Sometimes he has to play games that he doesn't like to appease the other child but hopefully, as time wears on, starts to enjoy the company of the other child to the point that he gladly makes compromises in exchange for the pleasure of the other childs company. You have to decide if the benefits outweigh the detrements and in our case I'm left feeling like he'd rather just play in the sandbox by himself which is BEYOND hurtful to me.

[redrose85]

He is comfortable, is all. He probably feels like his life is just peachy as is, and he may even be resenting you a bit for "trying" to change it/him. I sympathize with your situation a lot, I really do. My bf is pretty similar, but he still makes sure that we hang out together, play, and get that quality time. He gets very stuck in his comfort zone sometimes, but he is willing to branch out because he loves me... the fact that your guy flat out says "no" or rejects you is kind of alarming, because he should be willing. Maybe it's just that he is older (my bf is 22, met when he was 19) so he is even more set in his ways, but the way I see it, he should at least try to be more flexible. My boyfriend is very similar... when he is into something, he is INTO it. If he gets a new book he likes, he'll read it straight through until it's done. When he gets to play WoW, he's on there for hours. He makes friends fairly easily, but has kept the same main group of friends from grade 2... there must be a name for this personality type

 

What can you do? I have an example.

 

We went to Mexico last year for my cousin's wedding, and one way I got him really motivated to go was by emphasizing the ruins there, because he is very interested in history and geology. If I want him to come to a birthday dinner with my friends, etc... I just tell him how much it would mean to me if he came, and that makes him want to go. I have tried all kinds of different things for him, so he knows that he must reciprocate.

 

When we go for walks, I admire nature and take photos, while he teaches me about the geology and geography of the place that we are in. If we go swimming, he wants to play while I want to swim laps, so I'll do my laps for a bit and then we'll play around. There has to be a balance in any relationship (as I'm sure you well know!) and the way things are right now, you are on the teeter totter way up in the air and he is sleeping at the bottom. No wonder you found yourself posting on ENA.