Jump to content

30 year old Boyfriend was a virgin/never had a girlfriend before me --HELP!!!


allie100

Recommended Posts

Lost the Love Of Your Love? Watch T...
Lost the Love Of Your Love? Watch This!

First off let me begin this post with a quick hello to all - this is my first post here - and with an apology for the tome I"m about to present to you all. I've got quite a complex problem and googling has turned up nothing of value so I am now officially at the end of my rope an dam hoping one of you out there will have some sound advice about my particular situation.

 

First - the details. I'm a 27 year old divorcee, I have a 7 year old son with my ex-husband who is also still my best friend. My ex attends Dartmouth College in New Hampshire and my son lives with him and his mother/live-in nanny ( a luxury I don't have, hense him being with his father and not me...). But anyways..that's not relevant to the story I'm about to tell.

 

Shortly after my divorce was final I started dating my supervisor at work. I know, I know, a lot of people warn agains that but ironically that hasn't been a problem at all in our relationship. What HAS been a problem is the fact that he was 30 years old and virgin when we started dating.

 

His lack of sexual prowess was never a problem - the physical side of our relationship started out rocky and then actually gave way to some amazing sex, but his lack of relationships with ANY woman has become quite a stumbling block. I knew he'd never had a girlfriend before we got together, but had talked with him at length about how that came to be and acertained that his shy nature and proclivity towards girls who looked at him as just a friend or that were already taken prevented him from ever really cultivating a realtionship.

 

In short, I didn't expect captain boyfriend right off the bat - I was realistic. I knew that he'd lived woman-free his entire adult life and was going to have a very limited clue about the amount of compromise and effort it took to make a relationship work. He'd never had to please anyone but himself before and learning to take other peoples feelings into consideration over yours at times was something I was aware was going to take some time. It has now been 8 months and my understanding and patience has almost run out do to an almost complete lack of reciprocation and understanding.

 

Our one big issue is that I don't feel like he shows up for the relationship at all. He is all about doing as little as possible and this problem manifests itself in two different arenas: Sex and Activities.

 

When we have sex it's awesome; for me that is. At least it used to be until I realized that I was the only one initiating it. I'd describe myself as having a normal sex drive but my boyfriend is NEVER in the mood. I can't recall one time when he has been genuinely pursuant of me. If I ask for it, he'll oblige but he is never the one with the urge. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the liberated woman taking charge in the bedroom OCCASIONALLY, but women like to feel needed and wanted and when he could take it or leave it hurts my pride immensly. I've talked to him about this at length many times and his only retort is that his sex drive isn't as high as mine is and that I don't give him an opportunity to be horny because I want it all the time. All the time, btw, is once a day...which is reasonable, I think. His argument also doesn't fly because I catch him looking at porn pretty often and when I go out he masturbates...so I know he's in the mood, I just don't know why he doesn't save it for me. Also, in case anyone is wondering if maybe I'm just not that attractive, I'm not trying to be arrogant at all, but I'm not ugly by any stretch of the imagination..so it's not that. I dunno, I guess I just thought that a guy who'd spent his whole adolescent/adult life not getting laid would be all about it now that he's got an attractive live-in girlfriend who loves him BEGGING him for it. Apparentely I was wrong.

 

The bigger and more glaring manifestation of this problem is in the time he spends gaming online. Before we got together he'd had friends, but then all of them went off, got married, started lives of their own and left him single and in the dust. According to him he turned to gaming to pass the time because he could get immersed in it and forget about being so lonely. It was also a bonus that it didn't require interaction with people - social interaction is not one of he favorite things. Yet the gaming has not slacked off since we got together. I'm all for people having their own personal time - we each have our hobbies (mine is working out) but he'll spend from the time we get home from work til the time I call him for dinner and then from the time he's done with dinner until bed time on the game. On the weekends I go out to give him some alone time and when I come home in the evenings he's still playing - hasn't bathed or eaten all day. I've suggested us cultivating a hobby that we can do together - a suggestion he seems to be resentful of. He says that since we work together all day long and then live together and sleep together it's crazy that I want more time. What I can't get him to understand is, being in the same building or house together does not count as time spent together building a relationship. The extent of what we do together consists of us watching 2 t.v shows and eating dinner in silence on different couches. This, in my opinion is not quality time spent.

 

We had a conversation about the relationship last night and I suggessted staying with my parents for a few days to give him some perspective of what it would be like without me there - to see if he liked it or not. His response was " It would probably take a lot longer than a few days of you being gone for me to notice any change. I"m not that observant. It takes me awhihle to notice subtle changes or to realize things are missing."

 

Notice he used the word "subtle". As in me being gone wouldn't be MAJOR.

 

Bottom line is : how do I get him to WANT to show up and be an active participant in this relationship without nagging him, throwing temper tantrums or any other passive aggressive behaviors? I don't want all of his time, I just want to know that if I walked out the door right now it would matter to him, because if not, then why am I here killing myself to make him happy? why am I worried about his feelings when he's not worried about mine? I just can't believe that he's throwing this opportunity that he's told me he's waited his whole life for away beacuse he's too stubborn and self-centric to compromise and work with me on this.

 

please tell me someone one there has some advice for me....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First off let me begin this post with a quick hello to all - this is my first post here - and with an apology for the tome I"m about to present to you all. I've got quite a complex problem and googling has turned up nothing of value so I am now officially at the end of my rope an dam hoping one of you out there will have some sound advice about my particular situation.

 

First - the details. I'm a 27 year old divorcee, I have a 7 year old son with my ex-husband who is also still my best friend. My ex attends Dartmouth College in New Hampshire and my son lives with him and his mother/live-in nanny ( a luxury I don't have, hense him being with his father and not me...). But anyways..that's not relevant to the story I'm about to tell.

 

Shortly after my divorce was final I started dating my supervisor at work. I know, I know, a lot of people warn agains that but ironically that hasn't been a problem at all in our relationship. What HAS been a problem is the fact that he was 30 years old and virgin when we started dating.

 

His lack of sexual prowess was never a problem - the physical side of our relationship started out rocky and then actually gave way to some amazing sex, but his lack of relationships with ANY woman has become quite a stumbling block. I knew he'd never had a girlfriend before we got together, but had talked with him at length about how that came to be and acertained that his shy nature and proclivity towards girls who looked at him as just a friend or that were already taken prevented him from ever really cultivating a realtionship.

 

In short, I didn't expect captain boyfriend right off the bat - I was realistic. I knew that he'd lived woman-free his entire adult life and was going to have a very limited clue about the amount of compromise and effort it took to make a relationship work. He'd never had to please anyone but himself before and learning to take other peoples feelings into consideration over yours at times was something I was aware was going to take some time. It has now been 8 months and my understanding and patience has almost run out do to an almost complete lack of reciprocation and understanding.

 

Our one big issue is that I don't feel like he shows up for the relationship at all. He is all about doing as little as possible and this problem manifests itself in two different arenas: Sex and Activities.

 

When we have sex it's awesome; for me that is. At least it used to be until I realized that I was the only one initiating it. I'd describe myself as having a normal sex drive but my boyfriend is NEVER in the mood. I can't recall one time when he has been genuinely pursuant of me. If I ask for it, he'll oblige but he is never the one with the urge. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the liberated woman taking charge in the bedroom OCCASIONALLY, but women like to feel needed and wanted and when he could take it or leave it hurts my pride immensly. I've talked to him about this at length many times and his only retort is that his sex drive isn't as high as mine is and that I don't give him an opportunity to be horny because I want it all the time. All the time, btw, is once a day...which is reasonable, I think. His argument also doesn't fly because I catch him looking at porn pretty often and when I go out he masturbates...so I know he's in the mood, I just don't know why he doesn't save it for me. Also, in case anyone is wondering if maybe I'm just not that attractive, I'm not trying to be arrogant at all, but I'm not ugly by any stretch of the imagination..so it's not that. I dunno, I guess I just thought that a guy who'd spent his whole adolescent/adult life not getting laid would be all about it now that he's got an attractive live-in girlfriend who loves him BEGGING him for it. Apparentely I was wrong.

 

The bigger and more glaring manifestation of this problem is in the time he spends gaming online. Before we got together he'd had friends, but then all of them went off, got married, started lives of their own and left him single and in the dust. According to him he turned to gaming to pass the time because he could get immersed in it and forget about being so lonely. It was also a bonus that it didn't require interaction with people - social interaction is not one of he favorite things. Yet the gaming has not slacked off since we got together. I'm all for people having their own personal time - we each have our hobbies (mine is working out) but he'll spend from the time we get home from work til the time I call him for dinner and then from the time he's done with dinner until bed time on the game. On the weekends I go out to give him some alone time and when I come home in the evenings he's still playing - hasn't bathed or eaten all day. I've suggested us cultivating a hobby that we can do together - a suggestion he seems to be resentful of. He says that since we work together all day long and then live together and sleep together it's crazy that I want more time. What I can't get him to understand is, being in the same building or house together does not count as time spent together building a relationship. The extent of what we do together consists of us watching 2 t.v shows and eating dinner in silence on different couches. This, in my opinion is not quality time spent.

 

We had a conversation about the relationship last night and I suggessted staying with my parents for a few days to give him some perspective of what it would be like without me there - to see if he liked it or not. His response was " It would probably take a lot longer than a few days of you being gone for me to notice any change. I"m not that observant. It takes me awhihle to notice subtle changes or to realize things are missing."

 

Notice he used the word "subtle". As in me being gone wouldn't be MAJOR.

 

Bottom line is : how do I get him to WANT to show up and be an active participant in this relationship without nagging him, throwing temper tantrums or any other passive aggressive behaviors? I don't want all of his time, I just want to know that if I walked out the door right now it would matter to him, because if not, then why am I here killing myself to make him happy? why am I worried about his feelings when he's not worried about mine? I just can't believe that he's throwing this opportunity that he's told me he's waited his whole life for away beacuse he's too stubborn and self-centric to compromise and work with me on this.

 

please tell me someone one there has some advice for me....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hola,

 

Wow, someone from my area. I should probably take my pic down now! First of all...and maybe I'm wrong on this...but I'd characterize once a day as a fairly high sex drive after the honeymoon stage. Everyone has a different view on that I guess.

 

The online thing is tough. Is it Warcraft? I've lost a good friend to this game. It's insane the amount they play...which is probably even more than you realize by the way. The no bathing or eating thing is so true...I'm actually surprised your BF is still making it into work. Supposedly people get fired a lot over it too showing up late all the time etc. My friend did.

 

Anyway I don't really have any advice other than if I were you I'd start to look for a way out maybe. Nothing you described about the relationship sounded like much fun.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hola,

 

Wow, someone from my area. I should probably take my pic down now! First of all...and maybe I'm wrong on this...but I'd characterize once a day as a fairly high sex drive after the honeymoon stage. Everyone has a different view on that I guess.

 

The online thing is tough. Is it Warcraft? I've lost a good friend to this game. It's insane the amount they play...which is probably even more than you realize by the way. The no bathing or eating thing is so true...I'm actually surprised your BF is still making it into work. Supposedly people get fired a lot over it too showing up late all the time etc. My friend did.

 

Anyway I don't really have any advice other than if I were you I'd start to look for a way out maybe. Nothing you described about the relationship sounded like much fun.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow. Well hey welcome to ENA. =). Um I don't even really know where to being on this post. You seem more than reasonable in everything you have decried with reasonable expectations in the relationship and at least from this post it seems he has not lived up to his end... meaning you are more or less carrying this team which is unhealthy in any relationship.

 

I guess unfortunately, and this is my own belief, without relationship experience it is going to be extra tough, especially at an older age, to adapt to what it takes to make a relationship work. We learn so many things through failed relationships and heartbreak that someone with no experience will not know...

 

I guess as far as advice you may really have limited options. It seems the biggest problem is his online gaming addiction. Which really is terrible, and I'm sure even tho I haven't seen them for a while there are a lot of posts on that very subject on this site. I think if you can start getting him to possibly quit or substitute that for something else it would help.

 

Ah other people have posted so I'll add to this. If you do start looking for a way out, as much as you may not want to, it may be needed what do they say, light a fire under his rear and get his priorities in check.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow. Well hey welcome to ENA. =). Um I don't even really know where to being on this post. You seem more than reasonable in everything you have decried with reasonable expectations in the relationship and at least from this post it seems he has not lived up to his end... meaning you are more or less carrying this team which is unhealthy in any relationship.

 

I guess unfortunately, and this is my own belief, without relationship experience it is going to be extra tough, especially at an older age, to adapt to what it takes to make a relationship work. We learn so many things through failed relationships and heartbreak that someone with no experience will not know...

 

I guess as far as advice you may really have limited options. It seems the biggest problem is his online gaming addiction. Which really is terrible, and I'm sure even tho I haven't seen them for a while there are a lot of posts on that very subject on this site. I think if you can start getting him to possibly quit or substitute that for something else it would help.

 

Ah other people have posted so I'll add to this. If you do start looking for a way out, as much as you may not want to, it may be needed what do they say, light a fire under his rear and get his priorities in check.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It sounds like he's just not into the relationship. And not that he doesn't want to be with you, but that he'll just let you do all the work. You might want to just end it and find someone who is equally committed as you are.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It sounds like he's just not into the relationship. And not that he doesn't want to be with you, but that he'll just let you do all the work. You might want to just end it and find someone who is equally committed as you are.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Crud, I wish I could find someone who wanted it once a day. Like you, it makes me feel unwanted if I'm always the one initiating it.

 

Masturbation does have some advantages over sex. Mainly it goes at exactly the pace you want, and your imaginary partner is always wildly enthusiastic. It's possible he's fantasizing about other women, not because there's anything wrong with you, but due to "grass is greener" syndrome. Men tend to be wired that way.

 

No girlfriend until 30... hmm. I'm a socially dysfunctional nerd myself who didn't date until college, but even I find that unusual. I knew one woman who was a virgin at 40, and it was very clear that she didn't actually like men or want a relationship, she was just going through the motions because she thought that was what she was supposed to do. My thoughts on a 30 year old who'd never had a girlfriend would be that he's probably 1) nonsexual, 2) really seriously emotionally damaged or 3) gay in deep denial. The last being sadly fairly common.

 

I'm a gamer, and it's always been a big part of my life. The "I do it because I'm lonely" sounds like a typical excuse from someone who feels defensive about a hobby that he feels is not socially acceptable. World of Warcraft and similar online games tend to be very rewarding for borderline compulsive personalities, because they involve a lot of repetitive behavior. I've flirted with them occasionally myself, but I usually burn out in a month or two and move on to something else.

 

That said, there really isn't anything awful or unusual about not eating or taking a shower all day on a Saturday. I've known women who showered every other day, and personally I find it easy to get wrapped up enough in something not to eat lunch, and I never eat breakfast. He just focuses to a degree that you don't.

 

If he's sounding resentful of the idea of cultivating a mutual hobby, it's probably because he thinks you're trying to force him to give up something he enjoys for something he won't. I haven't met many couples who do have mutual hobbies. I think most of us get our relationship socialization over talking over dinner, in bed, or watching TV. Some people are simply happy being together. Doing what doesn't matter.

 

The conversation you had about leaving him for a while to "see how he likes it" - that's very passive aggressive. That sort of game isn't something you see between two adults in a healthy relationship. If you've already dug that far, it sounds like you want an excuse to break it off. With maybe the added fillip that he'll beg you to come back, which is also not a mature desire.

 

I think you need to ask yourself what you want out of a relationship. Not the mythological "ideal" one, merely one that will make you happy enough.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Crud, I wish I could find someone who wanted it once a day. Like you, it makes me feel unwanted if I'm always the one initiating it.

 

Masturbation does have some advantages over sex. Mainly it goes at exactly the pace you want, and your imaginary partner is always wildly enthusiastic. It's possible he's fantasizing about other women, not because there's anything wrong with you, but due to "grass is greener" syndrome. Men tend to be wired that way.

 

No girlfriend until 30... hmm. I'm a socially dysfunctional nerd myself who didn't date until college, but even I find that unusual. I knew one woman who was a virgin at 40, and it was very clear that she didn't actually like men or want a relationship, she was just going through the motions because she thought that was what she was supposed to do. My thoughts on a 30 year old who'd never had a girlfriend would be that he's probably 1) nonsexual, 2) really seriously emotionally damaged or 3) gay in deep denial. The last being sadly fairly common.

 

I'm a gamer, and it's always been a big part of my life. The "I do it because I'm lonely" sounds like a typical excuse from someone who feels defensive about a hobby that he feels is not socially acceptable. World of Warcraft and similar online games tend to be very rewarding for borderline compulsive personalities, because they involve a lot of repetitive behavior. I've flirted with them occasionally myself, but I usually burn out in a month or two and move on to something else.

 

That said, there really isn't anything awful or unusual about not eating or taking a shower all day on a Saturday. I've known women who showered every other day, and personally I find it easy to get wrapped up enough in something not to eat lunch, and I never eat breakfast. He just focuses to a degree that you don't.

 

If he's sounding resentful of the idea of cultivating a mutual hobby, it's probably because he thinks you're trying to force him to give up something he enjoys for something he won't. I haven't met many couples who do have mutual hobbies. I think most of us get our relationship socialization over talking over dinner, in bed, or watching TV. Some people are simply happy being together. Doing what doesn't matter.

 

The conversation you had about leaving him for a while to "see how he likes it" - that's very passive aggressive. That sort of game isn't something you see between two adults in a healthy relationship. If you've already dug that far, it sounds like you want an excuse to break it off. With maybe the added fillip that he'll beg you to come back, which is also not a mature desire.

 

I think you need to ask yourself what you want out of a relationship. Not the mythological "ideal" one, merely one that will make you happy enough.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow. I must say I wasn't really expecting much from posting on here, but all of your responses have been nothing short of wonderful, yours especially GH. It's great to get someone's perspective that is a gamer and might be able to offer some unique insight.

 

I think you're spot on about the no showering and eating.. I guess that is kind of normal for a lazy Saturday, I think I just used that to drive home my point about him being so intently focus on - it's Oblivion BTW (before that it was Neverwinter Nights) - this game that he neglects everything else, the most of which is our relationship.

 

As for what I want from a relationship, I looked at that long and hard after my divorce. Did a lot of soul searching and came to the conclusion that I just want someone to be my partner in life. I need a lot of personal time myself, but when I'm in a relationship I don't want to feel like I'm together but single. I LIKE spending time with him so much that I gladly shelve my personal time in favor of trying to spend time with him. Sure I love working out, but the pleasure I get from that pales in comparison to the joy I get from being with him when he's available. I just wish that I felt he liked me enough to do the same. I wish he liked me enough to realize that I'm a lot more fun than his video game if he'd log off and get to know this real, live woman sitting next to him. I don't want him to give it up completely, just tone it down to about 2 hours a day during the week and as much as he wants to while I'm gone on the weekend - I think that's more than fair.

 

As for him being gay, you are not the the first person to suggest that possibility to me. His best friend is bi-sexual, but he swears to me that he is not and I tend to believe him. Why? maybe because I don't want it to be true. Maybe because the porn I've seen him look at is of women. I don't know, I just don't see that adding up, but I suppose it is a possibility.

 

It's funny that you made the comment earlier about gaming and it being a reward system b/c him and I were just having that conversation the other day. I thought it was a sorry excuse, but maybe there is some validity to it. If that is the case how do I take that and make it a real life situation? I was under the impression that I reward him pretty well with plenty of praise, companionship, food, a clean house and sex when he makes me happy or makes an effort. What else do I do?

 

please keep the replies coming... they are really helping. Honestly. I greatly appreciate all of the input. Thx.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow. This is a juicy one.

 

To be honest, I don't see this working out. He hasn't had a girlfriend or sex for 30 years, until he met you. He's probably lived most of his life in one version of fantasy or another. He games, and probably hasn't had much direct human interaction - obviously not with women. That probably explains his lack of responsibility around the house. He doesn't bath regularly. I'm sure he's been masturbating to internet porn for at least 15 years. Who knows how many times a day. That probably explains his depressed libido. Whether he prefers it or not, all of this is what he's used to and it's what he continues doing. I get the impression that at this point, he probably doesn't want a GF. He wants a house keeper. Someone to cook his dinner. Someone to tell him when to shower. He wants a mom. And who wants to have sex with their mom?

 

You seem like a nice, normal person. You deserve so much better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First of all...and maybe I'm wrong on this...but I'd characterize once a day as a fairly high sex drive after the honeymoon stage.

I'd concur.

 

It's possible he's fantasizing about other women, not because there's anything wrong with you, but due to "grass is greener" syndrome. Men tend to be wired that way.

Ain't that the truth.

 

My thoughts on a 30 year old who'd never had a girlfriend would be that he's probably 1) nonsexual, 2) really seriously emotionally damaged or 3) gay in deep denial. The last being sadly fairly common.

I don't think he's gay.

 

OP, he may just have a lower sex drive than you. Of course he has other issues. He's just not ready for a relationship, and getting him there, if it's even possible, is going to take a lot of effort and put you through emotional trauma. Is it that important to you to make this relationship work?

 

Yes, you gave this lonely guy his first relationship and his first sex. Maybe he used his status as your superior at the office to get that experience (i.e., using you). Maybe you painted a less than objective picture of the relationship, but from what you've written, I don't think he's into you.

 

Go to your parents for a few days, and see if he can pull himself away from the games long enough to call you. My guess is that he won't call, or that if he does, it will be very brief.

 

Once you break up with him, you'll have to deal with the fallout at work. I know you know, but I've gotta say it: dating your supervisor = dumb.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm kinda annoyed your BF is getting more a$$ than me. We are opposite...I was unstoppable with the ladies in my early to mid 20's and now it's over and I can't figure out why.

 

I got stuck in the gaming rut and I do believe it's a rut. Gamers will justify it by any means necessary much like a drug user. It's funny he mentioned reward system. There is a part of the brain in layman terms called the reward center. And it's where the mystery of addiction is hidden. To each his own though...I don't hate on gamers.

 

What got me out of it was joining the YMCA believe it or not. I got hooked on swimming laps and it branched to other things. And a massive sex drive...which I don't think is a coincidence. I had very little sex drive in my gamer years. Just a quick hit of porn ever other day or so.

 

It sounds like you are indeed into him though. I guess you have had "The Talk" before. Do you think there is some part of you that likes to fix guys?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm glad you found that helpful.

 

Oblivion? I thought that was single player only, a quick search showed that indeed there's a crude multiplayer mod out for the game. I wouldn't expect that particular game to last long, because the original game wasn't designed with the sort of endless grinding that is common for online-only games like Warcraft or City of Heroes.

 

You're living with a guy who likes to focus on a single thing at a time. He's not "looking for a housekeeper" or a mom, despite what Rich says. He's just borderline OCD. Or think of him as having mild Asperger's. He needs to spend long periods on something to be happy. If he's not obsessing over something, he's bored and unhappy. Asking him to ration his time to 2 hours a night isn't going to work; rather, you have to substitute something that he can wrap himself up in equally deeply.

 

You want him to spend more time with you. Good enough. What will you be doing? Assuming he were a different person, and you didn't have to resort to something artificial like developing a mutual hobby, what would you imagine you would be doing together? How did you spend your time with your ex-husband in the evenings?

 

Personally, when I'm in a relationship, I don't expect them to be interested in anything that interests me. Beyond the things that almost everyone enjoys to some degree or another, like movies and TV. I want someone to touch now and then, not necessarily sexually, just to touch. Someone I'll sit in bed reading with. Not saying anything, just being companionable. Someone I'll talk to now and then about whatever crosses my mind. Someone who likes to sleep snuggled together at night.

 

When I think about the things that make up a good relationship, it's really not about being activity partners. Just about feeling your with someone who cares about you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well if you are already having sex once a day its understandable that he may not be dying to initiate sex. Several factors here, primarily that you are already having a lot of sex. Maybe not a freakish amount of sex, but every day is pretty frequent. So its readily available, which even for me sometimes... maybe not kills the urge, but just knowing its there sort of takes the edge off. When Im visiting family with my fiance I cant keep my hands off her, its just the idea that I CANT have her, or at least not without a lot of sneaking around drives me nuts. You may want to try NOT having sex for a few days and see what that does. Also if you are spending every day together, and every night together you may need to do some things to spice things up. Something simple like a sexy outfit, or styling your hair different, or going out and getting a hotel for the night might do the trick also.

Its a crude analogy, but I love pizza. But do I want to eat the same pizza, every day, breakfast, lunch and dinner? Heck, even if it just LOOKED like a different pizza it might be more appealing once in a while.

 

There are times when I watch porn just to get off. Does this mean I dont want my fiance? Not really. It just means that sometimes I just want to get off. As fun as sex is, sometimes I might be tired, or whatever... and rather than initiate sex, foreplay, sex... just spend a few minutes alone... you know and then go to sleep. If this is a frequent occurrence that might be a problem... but if its once in a while... I wouldnt begrudge him of taking care of himself now and then.

 

I feel your pain on the 'time spent together thing',. My fiance thinks I dont spend enough time with her. I work, she stays at home with 5 month old mini-me. But when I am home a lot of times we spend it in front of the tv, or eating.... or just being at home. I spend all day inside at work... I want to GET OUT of the house when Im home. I also play games, so sometimes I just want some 'me' time. But yeah, just because you are in the same house doesnt mean that time is well spent.

 

I think you need to sit him down and have a serious talking to, and tell him how you feel about these issues and just flatly tell him that unless things start to change there wont be any subtlety you will simply be gone. I think hes probably taking you for granted, a good dose of hey im gonna leave your butt! should bring him around. either that or prove that he isnt worth keeping anyways.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know that in theory dating, falling in love with and living with my superior was/is a dumb move for me career-wise, but I'm confident when I say that both of us are at least mature enough to handle ourselves in a professional manner should it come to that, and should maturity not prevail if worse comes to worse, I assure you my bills every month that come like clock work will suffice as antedotes to any hasty emotional decisions.LOL. In fact that was a conversation we've had a couple times in the past - once before we got together and twice since we've been together (not b/c we thought of ending it before now, but just in a 'how would it be if' kind of context).

 

As for what someone asked me earlier about what I see in him, aside from his gaming and confusing sexual proclivities he is a genuinely nice, warm-hearted and caring person. He's very honest, moral, responsible and steady. For someone like myself who is a sort of leaf-on-the wind type, his stability has always been something I'd admired about him. I've likened dating him to dating Captain America more than a few times. He loves his family,single-handedly keeps the office running and in the beginning of our relationship ( I'm talking around only mo. 3) we had a little scare - I got pregnant. I miscarried the baby but he never once got spooked. He stood by me with genuine excitement when I was pregnant and held me up when I couldn't hold myself together after I lost it. So , you see.. he's very strong in character, but it takes a crisis to bring those attributes out in him. On a random tuesday night he's nothing extrordinary and that's where my frustrations come in. I know who he's capable of being b/c I've seen it inside of him. When he wants to put forth the effort he does, but when he's not under the gun he's the biggest slacker there is and I just don't know how to drive it home to him that this is all about reciprocity.

 

None of these claims he'd deny either. The only reason I'm on this board calling the man I love a slacker is because he, himself would tell you that there is no one on earth less ambitious or unmotivated than him. He almost says it with pride - and it's a little disturbing. For instance, for christmas I bought us a 4 day trip to Las Vegas because he loves it there and he's a big poker player. I got the nicest room at the nicest hotel, the flight to and from, the cirque shows while we were out there - I mean the works. I did all of that because I just knew he'd love it and it would make him happy - and it did. We had a blast. When we got back though, a few months later we were talking about travel ( I let him know right up front that I love to travel) and I offhandedly said that after much saving and prep work then next vacation we take I'd like to go to Barcelona or Ireland - somewhere outside of the U.S. You know what he said? " Have fun. I have no desire to go to those places. I like it here." So he wants to go where he wants to go, but when I tell him I want to go somewhere neither of us has ever gone before and make our own memories he's not up for it, he'd rather stay home.

 

That's what I mean about wanting a partner and wanting to feel like I'm not single but together. I don't want to go to those places with friends, I want to make those memories with HIM but his laziness and inability to do anything outside of his comfort zone is smothering my idea of what a partnership is supposed to be.

 

does that make sense?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

oh..and one more quick thing...not to give TMI, but suffice it to say that I have tried every outfit, gimmick, striptease, candlelit dinner, feminine-wiles like trick in the book on this man to no avail. I've tried giving it up, withholding it, playing hard to get, pouting and LITERALLY sitting on his keyboard butt naked wearing nothing but some perfume behind each ear. Still nothing.

 

One time I even showed up to his house ( this was before we moved in together) wearing only my trench coat and 4-inch black satin stilettos and all he had to say was " aww..that's nice."

 

I totally get the pizza analogy. I don't want the same boring thing everyday. But I am not boring. I'm so adventurous the possibilities are endless and I'm WILLING to do whatever it takes to make him happy, but he's not phased by anything I do. All I know is that there is something very wrong with me if I'm getting jealous about the way he looks longingly at his computer.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is TOTALLY him. I probably should have also mentioned that he's huge into writing for and running role playing games, namely Vampire: The Masquerade. When he's in that mode it's like nothing else exists. He'll spend HOURS.. so yeah, really it doesn't matter what it is, for him he has to be immersed in it.

 

So why can't he be immersed in us?

 

He made the offhanded comment that he wanted to maybe learn a new language. I thought that was GREAT! I said that we could learn it together, almost went out and bought the rosetta stone software or signed us up for a class and he lost interest. I even role play with him and a large group of his friends ( not live action) just to have something that we can actually DO together. It's fun for him, but only marginally for me. I see it makes him happy for me to participate in something he loves though, so I'm happy to be a part of it. as for what I did with my ex, we were both HEAVILY into music. we could sit around talking music and atists and the arts basically in general all night long - that is, on the nights we weren't going to concerts. Most of all though we just talked. We could talk about anything and it was interesting. I don't miss him, but I miss interaction like that - having someone to have mental stimulating conversations with.

 

Oh, and BTW... I don't know much about Oblivion, but I do know that he keeps adding all of these mods to it to make it harder? Something about harder enemies and getting to ride around on a wooly mammoth... lol.. I don't know man....it's all over my head.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Role playing? Yep, I'm really annoyed lol.

 

So you gotta tell us...how did this start? I'll put 10 grand on you asking him out. No way on God's green earth someone with his history at 30 is going to ask a girl out on a date. Did you have to convince him?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So why can't he be immersed in us?

What would that look like, exactly? You're a person, not a hobby. He can't sit down and "play" you for hours, as he would with a game. The kind of focus he needs to be happy doesn't really apply to people. Unless you're talking about stalking or something.

 

The way I read it, he cares about you. A guy doesn't offer the sort of emotional support you describe if he doesn't care. The problem is that you're feeling unloved, and the ways he demonstrates affection aren't registering with you. The things you do aren't really his thing either, so he doesn't react positively enough for you, so you feel like you're making all the effort.

 

It sounds like you're into having his attention, where he simply spends time sitting and talking with you, and sex and (probably) touch, since in my experience the two are pretty closely related. I sympathize with the latter. When I'm in a relationship, I'm always willing to have sex, even if I'm tired, have a headache, or otherwise unready, because it's really important to me and I can't pass up the chance at affection and affirmation. This has gotten me into trouble when the spirit was willing, but the flesh was weak.

 

It's unfortunate that he isn't wired the same way. The stuff you describe - I'd drop what I was doing immediately, every time. It's hard to imagine him reconciling the "sit and talk for hours" thing with his need to be doing something, but if sex were an emotional touchstone for him, that wouldn't be a conflict.

 

You can't change what you want or what he wants. However, you can recognize what works to make you happy, and go from there. Find things that you'll enjoy that might draw him in. Don't expect a quid pro quo, this isn't about bargaining, this is not about doing things for him, it's about doing things for yourself that will involve him.

 

Take travel, for example. I hate travel. "Adventures. Nasty things. Make you late for dinner." My family liked travel, so I took up photography as a defensive measure. And I do enjoy photography, it's doing something. So I'm willing to travel if I get to photograph interesting things, like ruins or caves. So you might be able to get him to go Ireland if you could find something specific that he would enjoy along the way.

 

Don't start thinking this is somehow one-sided because you're doing all the work, trying to find mutual activities. This isn't for him. He's happy already. It's about making you happy.

 

Oh, and BTW... I don't know much about Oblivion, but I do know that he keeps adding all of these mods to it to make it harder?

I never liked Oblivion much, so I couldn't say. I do know it has a very large pool of mods to draw from, and some are geared around new challenges.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...