Help me understand this situation - ex vents extreme...

[LostinVan]

I need help dealing with and understanding the following situation.

 

My ex and I have the lines of communcation open right now because of my Mom's recent death (very special ties between my ex and my Mom), and because my ex wants to support me through this time (and boy, do I need the support). I'm currently on the other side of the country from my ex, but I will soon be back home.

 

Last night, we had a long phone conversation. At one point, my ex started venting big time about some failings I had (promises I didn't keep to her friends for one, the way I whined she wasn't spending enough time in the relationship because of professional commitments was another). She got deep and heavy into it, and then said "I gotta go" and hung up, clearly upset beyond anything I've experienced from her in some time.

 

During her talk, I simply listened, and said from time to time "yes...", "I understand now", and "I didn't know how much this had an effect on you at the time, I'm sorry" to her venting. Some of it was stuff I still didn't agree with (she was so involved in a professional society that she was losing sleep, losing her own clients, not having a life, and my "whines" were almost begging her to scale it back so she could get sleep, could have a life).

 

My question is, how do you handle situations like this.

 

My next question is, was simply letting her vent in this extreme way beneficial? I didn't offer solutions or try to be mr. fixit. I just listened, agreed, and did the virtual nod. And I really listened and heard what she said (some surprised me, but I agreed in my mind it was bad stuff).

 

My last question - was this in any way beneficial to her to do this? As I said, it was extreme venting unlike anything I heard before (or at least since the breakup). It was beneficial to me in a way, I learned a few things that were concerns of hers that I didn't realise before.

 

LostinVan

[bleeder]

Hi LostinVan,

 

I am quite perplexed by her actions.

 

She is ultimately, well, your ex. It could be a positive thing if she's highlighting your weaknesses such that you may learn from them. But if she's just venting them just to get off some steam, I do not see where she's going with that at all.

 

Does she still think that she's your girlfriend of sorts? Perhaps she's emotionally attached to you still, and has yet to come to terms that the relationship is over?

 

We all make mistakes at one time or the other. Relationships are not spared. So we mess up, so we learn from them. But for your ex to be whining so much about the past, I do not see how that could be beneficial in any way. Maybe you can gently remind her that you folks are no longer an item?

 

Live and learn. Live and move on. Best of luck dude.

[woobiegirl]

It may not feel like it now, but it sounds as if something positive came out of your conversation. She may have had these topic she brought up penned up for sometime, and the stress and sadness of your mother brought it to the surface. If she had a strong bond with her it must have been hard for her too...and may have been harder if you are far away.

 

Sounds like you handled it well by listening, listening and more listening. That sometimes is the best help we can offer someone...to listen without judgement, without trying to fix what's wrong, holding back any criticism we may feel or becoming defensive. I'm sure after she hung up the phone she realized she dumped allot of info on you may even feel bad about it herself. It's also an eye openor because we discover things about ourselves perhpas that we may never have thought about and/or learn how we had affect on someone else by our actions or something we said...and never knew it. Could she still be having challenges recovering from your break-up?

 

Sound's like you'll both be fine...give it some time.

 

Take care,

Woobiegirl

[Nifty_Swifty1]

I always say that if you can't take an unbiased view of yourself, let someone else. You very seldom see the problems with your actions because most people never look at what they do with an analytical eye. Most people only act and react. Any time someone comes at me with my shortcomings I view it as a blessing because it makes me a better person as long as I don't make excuses for my actions. As far as you thing with complaining about her involvement in her career, you might have a valid argument in the fact that she is or was taking on too much, but obviously there were problems in the way you handled it, not to mention, that some people are just wired that way and you have to except them for who they are.

 

Take what the girl said and use it to better yourself. When people go after someone like that there are two driving forces. One is that they're frustrated, and the other is that they are concerned with you becoming the best person you can be. No, it's not the best way to go about things, but if it got your attention, then it worked didn't it. I'm impressed that you didn't become defensive and begin making excuses like some people mumble mumble my ex mumble mumble. Just take it as a learning experience.