Ralationship and friendship advice for gays

[BeatinMyHeart]

I think I might be gay, and I think that by me not accepting it I am making my friendships and relationships more difficult.

I have always had many friends, but the thing is the friends I have are not very close, more like casual buddies. I had one best friend but he moved and I had a ton of friends in high school. But now that I am in college and i commute, gaining good friends is extremely hard. Usually if there is someone I like, I try to befriend him, and we talk and stuff but we never really hang out much outside school. Gaining a new friend is tough enough let alone find someone you like who is gay. Right now I am just trying to look for a really good friend, one that I can hang with and chill so I don't feel so alone. But even that is hard. And I think my sexuality might have a role in that. I need some advice on how to make friends, and good ones. I get discouraged really easily and I like to put my heart into things so when it doesnt work out it really hurts... BAD. SO please any advice??

[1WayTicket2Norway]

Does your college/local area have an LGBT community? If it does, it might be an option for you to check it out. If that doesn't work out, i find that girls make ideal friends when you are gay. They are a lot easier to confide in and most usually don't have a problem homosexuality. So maybe you should try to find a good girl friend as apposed to making guy friends. As far as actually making friends go, I find that participating in various activities like clubs, sports etc, is the best way to meet new people and to make friends with people you can relate to.

[Nina_2009]

To make a friend one needs first make another one interested. There is only onw way to do so - be interested in the person you choose as a friend candidate. Ask questions about him, make him talk about himself, keep eye contact that says "what you are saying is unique". I would advice to write questions down as a training. Think of questions that you would find interesting if someone asks you. Think of questions about life that you would want to find an answer to, ask those, that would help you to stay interested, if you have problems with that. Everyone craves attention, people are not very skilled in providing attention of quality. By learning how to do this you will solve problem of attracting people once and forever. Remember - your eyes should learn how to express interest, intense attention, face serious, then sudden wide smile. You will know that you've got the interest from another, when this person will start reciprocating with questions about you. Never rush to talk about yourself without questions asked. Even if asked try to be short and up to the point, answer at length only when in the relationship or when you do not care. Pull as much info from another. The more information you will get, the more power you have. Do not excellent results immediately, I would recommend to try first this technique on some relatively easy and not so important target.

[pianoguy]

I'd look to see if there's any gay groups or organizations at your college.

 

Have you thought about living on campus? It's much easier to be a part of the community if you live there.

[chiefoptimizer]

I agree with the other posts, and also check out this book:

How to Win Friends & Influence People

 

I don't think I ever read the whole of it, but even the first few chapters is a treasure mine. Just like Nina_2009 said, you need to show interest in the other person. Remember, "a bore is someone, when asked how things are going, actually tells you". I forgot where I got that quote from. The key to being thought of as a good conversationalist is not talking, but listening and asking short questions on what has just been said, which also require long answers.

 

Also, do you have a hobby? If you do, that can make you interesting for the other party. Having multiple hobbies is an even better bet.

 

In the end, show genuine interest in someone's life, and they'll like you.

[Imaginary]

Easiest way to make friends for me:

 

Wear a band/artist t-shirt.

 

Starts conversations and you know you at least have some common ground in something.

[BeatinMyHeart]

Thank you for all the posts but the thing is I am not out lol. To tell you the truth i have not even come to terms with it yet. i was thinking about checking out the LBGT group but I don't know. And i can't really live on campus b/c my parents won't let me, they are really overprotective, perhaps that is why I am so sheltered and far from the outside world.

 

Currently there is this guy that i like. He is a friend I guess but he is soo hard to read. When I first met him i thought we really clicked. We basically have the same sense of humor and like the same thing. Even if I don't get him as a bf it still is good to be his friend. But it seems as if everytime I mention coming to his place, he somehow gets out of it. I don't know if we are friends or maybe he just is with me b/c I could help him in a class

[folie_a_deux]

that is so true, i feel that way all the time, i dunno, but if i were in uni, it'd be so weird going to a gay group cos firstly, most of the people from my church are there, secondly, my sister goes there, and 3rdly i don't think i don't think i'd ever beable to come out to my parents.. not in this lifetime, they'd go completely beserk

 

lol, this mite sound really vapid, but sometimes i wish that i could meet someone who i can just spend time with, and talk about stuff, and like hang out and sleepovers and that * * * * , but yea, as i said, not in this lifetime. oooh, and hang out at the mall or something. my parents are overprotective too! like, i went out to get my drivers licence, and my mum was * * * * * ing over how late i was getting home.

 

my advice to angel of judge..something, yea, that idea about wearing a shirt with a band on it might work.. and also, try to look cool, probably a shirt with the ramones on it. tha's quite hot, i love them, theyre awes. or maybe green day, they're pretty good. if i wore something like that, i'd be crucified by my parents. but i still do, that's probably why they think im the runt of the family

[chiefoptimizer]

as i said, not in this lifetime. oooh, and hang out at the mall or something. my parents are overprotective too! like, i went out to get my drivers licence, and my mum was * * * * * ing over how late i was getting home.

 

Heh, I'm 22, live about 13 hours by plane away from them, and I still have to report in on time daily, haha!

[folie_a_deux]

wow, parents just don't get it huh? they mite need to let go someday.. im totally moving out when after i find a job, cant stand them at all

[chiefoptimizer]

wow, parents just don't get it huh? they mite need to let go someday.. im totally moving out when after i find a job, cant stand them at all

 

Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.

- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

[folie_a_deux]

holy moly, i can completey relate to that, i hope i don't sound cheesy.. but being entirely honest, i feel like im explaining everything to them, i get annoyed most of the time cos they never understand, its so exhausting. we younguns camwh*re a lot these days, and sometimes when my parents look over my shoulder and ask questions, even after explaining, they're still suspicious. on bad days we start arguing haha

[1WayTicket2Norway]

Yeah, i went through all of that. i still fight a lot with my folks even though they know that i'm gay

[lukeb]

You cant have it both ways, I mean your parents are legally responsible for you, so they get atleast some say in how to run your life. It wouldn't be fair if they had no say, but if you mess up they are the ones who are going to end up paying.

 

It is just a legal reality that they are going to look to your parents and hold them responsible. Even when you turn 18, the more you accept their help the more that they are going to have a say. If you dont like that, then dont accept their help and try to do things on your own.

[BeatinMyHeart]

That is actually how I feel. I don't have any gay friends AT ALL. And I would actually liike some b/c they know what I am going through and how to help me through the difficulties. But the thing is finding gay people that I want to be friends with is hard. I like friends who act straight and thus it is hard to distinguish them. LOL. I would like someone for me to just hang with and talk, someone to just help take the weight off a bit.

 

As for my parents....OMG. I was gone somewhere without telling them, and they weren't home. So when they got home they called me and yelled at me for not telling them where I was going. Not only that, they check up on me all the time and tell me when to sleep, what to do, etc. its like come on... I am 19 i am not a kid. i am very responsible and have never got into trouble. I have no bad friends, I don't drink, etc... but they just can't stop. WOW i am venting lol.

 

Yeah, I wish I could find someone where i can just talk to haha. here's hoping

[pianoguy]

I'd still encourage you to check out a LGBT group. Most of the people that frequent those things tend to be refreshingly normal. And just because you go doesn't necessarily mean that you are gay as well. Does your school have a gay-straight alliance or something like that?

[BeatinMyHeart]

I'd still encourage you to check out a LGBT group. Most of the people that frequent those things tend to be refreshingly normal. And just because you go doesn't necessarily mean that you are gay as well. Does your school have a gay-straight alliance or something like that?

Actually I am thinking about checking it out. thanks for the suggestion

[Pure Foxy]

confidence is always a good quality most people look for even in friends. Even if you aren't too confidant, put on a front!

 

And remember I said confidence not cocky which most people can get mixed up

[1WayTicket2Norway]

i totally feel for you man. i'm turning 19 this year and my parents still have this sick controlling hold over me. i really just want to be seen as a responsible adult.

 

as for making friends with gay people: try not to be too narow minded about this because gay people come in all shapes and sizes. and trust me, gay men that do happen to fit the stereotype actually happen to make great friends, even though they might seem a bit flamboyant at times. They will most probably understand what your going through a lot better than most people.

[Imaginary]

Actually I am thinking about checking it out. thanks for the suggestion

 

Wear a band t-shirt.

[folie_a_deux]

i totally feel for you man. i'm turning 19 this year and my parents still have this sick controlling hold over me. i really just want to be seen as a responsible adult.

 

as for making friends with gay people: try not to be too narow minded about this because gay people come in all shapes and sizes. and trust me, gay men that do happen to fit the stereotype actually happen to make great friends, even though they might seem a bit flamboyant at times. They will most probably understand what your going through a lot better than most people.

 

 

are u serious? being friends with gay men that fit the stereotype (femme to the max) are so difficult to maintain! i've tried it once, but its too noticeable.. people started spreading rumours! it was so bad, i've never talked to the person since.. what angel of judge-something and i need are guys that are gay, but don't stand out, so it'd be viewed as a normal friendship.

[lovekare]

dude, folie a deux no offense but your parents seem overly controlling. as kids we think our parents do everything they do to protect us but as we grow older we can see their insecurities plastered all over their actions. i see you are not even allowed to use something so harmless as a tshirt w the freaking ramones on it to express yourself. my parents were pretty cool me growing up. as a girl my mom let me wear whatever i loved, which helped me become what i am now a fashion designer. but their insecrities still affected me when i was growing up. my mom would always notice me watching girls in the mall or anywhere we went. she would pulled me by my arm and tell me to stop. i didn't even know then why i was always looking at girls so much. lol. but she did. and her fears of me being gay and her being seen as an unfit mother and the breader of such a socially dysfunctional girl aka lesbian, was making her act so intolerable of all of my simpliest actions. now that the dust has settled and even though she keeps referring to my girlfriend as my "roomate", i can see in her that all of our problems were that she didn't want to be the parent of a gay daughter, it was not the issue that i was gay. it has always been about her , how others see her, and the life she would have if everyone knew the truth. that's all it is with your parents. its their fear of you becoming something they don't understand and something so many including unffortunately religion see as wrong. The point is you not crumbling before this fear. you have to realize for yourself the natural beauty and rawness of being with someone you truly love. once you come to see that there it is nothing to be afraid of, you'll start seeing the world through different eyes. all of the sudden those screaming the word gay in hate are just afraid of what they don't understand and what they have been forced to believe. it is easier to follow the flow than to go against the grain. but it becomes easier when what you are going after is your happiness. if they were themselves going through what we all have gone through coming out their minds might change. don't give up on your parents, but show them how you can love them but also love yourself enough to be happy.

[BeatinMyHeart]

Today I just told one of my close college friend that I may be into guys and she was very cool with it and it really made me happy to know I got a very good friend. I think everyone needs someone like that in their life, someone who does not judge them but will accept and care for them as they are. What was weird was that she kind of figured. You see I am not girly or anything, I act pretty straight yet somehow she said i still sent off this weird vibe so who knows LOL. One of the things that sucks the most is having people think of u one way b4 u had a chance to tell them or come into acceptance.

 

As for wearing a band t-shirt, the bands I like are the fray and one republic. But my favorite is Jon McLaughlin. And I don't really have band t-shirts. But thanks for the suggestion. If I do get a gay friend, then I want one similar to me, one that acts straight and not flamboyant, no offense to anyone. That is just who I am.

 

As for the parents. Mine are very strict. No matter how responsible I am I am basically watched like a hawk. I think it robs me of some of life experiences. Because of that I rarely go to parties in high school let alone college and that takes away my ability to socialize and I am pissed off about it. Hopefully somehow I can break free from that

[1WayTicket2Norway]

I'm so proud of you for telling someone you trust about your sexuality. that's allways the first step. Don't you feel like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders? Yes and most girls have really good gaydars. i'm straight acting, but my one close friend said she had always known when I told her. Anyway, i'm really happy for you

[Imaginary]

As for wearing a band t-shirt, the bands I like are the fray and one republic. But my favorite is Jon McLaughlin. And I don't really have band t-shirts. But thanks for the suggestion. If I do get a gay friend, then I want one similar to me, one that acts straight and not flamboyant, no offense to anyone. That is just who I am.

 

Band t-shirts pull fans together... heh. But seriously, you should know that the "straight" acting term is passive-homophobic, and it propagates the idea, even among our own kind that straight and gay people act differently. Try words like "manly", "butch" (or butchy) "sportsy/outdoorsy" or "rockish" or something else.