To breakup or not to break up?

[mellowchild]

I've been with my bf for a fairly long time. (let's just say a year) Everything has gone well except the past 3 months things have been sliding up and down. He's done a lot of things for me and we've been though so much. I forgot to add that it's a long distance relationship. But we do see eachother on a regular basis. I have to say I'm in love.

 

Recently I've felt like he's been putting me down a lot but I've tried to be very understanding. Not to mention his wandering interest in other girls... (but I suppose that's normal) Out of no where he started to ignore me. I asked for a serious talk but he continued to ignore my request.

 

I've been crying a lot lately and stressed to the bones. That's when I said "I'm breaking up with you."

 

It hurts so much when you love someone but you're forced to let go. He called soon after and wanted to see me. When I saw him he acted as though nothing happened and was extremely nice to me. And explained that there was a misunderstanding. I took him back without so much of a hesitation. My friends think that I keep letting "this crap" slide by when I should do something about it. And some of my friends are worried that he's just using me.

 

Love makes us blind, it's hard for me to judge.

[Fisch]

HIYA MELLOWCHILD!

Warning! Do not be a doormat! The best thing about this website is that you can see so many clones of your own problem. I have seen yourrs before. I would say that in order to give u any honorable advice on breaking up or not you would have to give more info on the nature of your relationship. A perfect relationship is one where two people both want eachother to want the other at the same level. But it seems that this guy is turning towards not wanting you to want him! Now ask yourself why that is? Usually in cases like this it is important to understand that when a partner knows that s/he can do negative things to you to a certain extent, they lose the desire to gain your attention. How do you combat this? Not with somethign superficial i assure you. You have to play a middle path between being hard to get, and still caring. For example bettering yourself, become an expert in something, do something that people will be honorably impressed with (this can be something as simple as an attitude for example having alot of confidence). This shows your partner that you have alot of self worth, and that your desire for them to want you is not a selfish one. Doormats are called such, because they want their partner to want them, but their partner believes that the doormat is not willing to do anything to be the kind of person that they can love. So by doing something for yourself, you become more like a person that they want to have care about them. And unlike jerk people who enjoy impressing people and getting attention just to be disconnected when intimacy is desired, you will be there to give him the attention that he wants when he sees that you know how to better yourself. BUT this is not always the case, because some people can get unreasonable in what kind of person they want you to be, and you have to see past your wants to observe if this is the truth, using your own judgement. So the only advice that i can give you is that taking a step back, and putting time into making yourself more the way that you want to be, will make you happier, more confident, and that attracts people. If you feel like you cant be happy because of the way he acts then you have to deal with it assertivly, assertiveness is the middle path between pleading with a person to love you and ignoring them completely. Or in other words between over-dependancy and complete indifference. Or in other other words one should not be angry or at least accusatory, and not beg. It is communicating to a person that you WANT to be a person that they love, if they want you to focus on yourself more or focus on them more or in a different way, then you must decide whether that change is acceptable to you. Many times this situation occurs because a person misinterperits the actual level of focus that their partner is giving on themselves or the other. So you need to ask yourself if the amount of focus that you give yourself and to your partner is to your liking, and if it is, then he either is misinterperiting how much focus you give yourself, or he is asking you to give an unreasonable amount of focus on yourself (in that case he would be the selfish one). Im sorry that i attacked the fundamentals of this problem, but i dont want to be more specific without knowing your relationship, i really hope i helped a little tho.

-Your pal Fisch 0X

[mellowchild]

Thanks, before I read that post, I didn't know what a "doormat" was. Yes, you're right about him wanting me to focus on myself. And there are a lot of signs that he's losing interest. (I give him a lot of attention)

 

I've given your advice a lot of thought, and I think it's one of the best advices that I've received from anyone. Yes, I'm the type that tries to please everyone... and let people walk on me. Starting today I'll work on being the person (that I've put on hold) that i want to be.

 

*sincerely much thanks

[Fisch]

Yoz mellow, Im so happy that i could help you out, i try my hardest not to influence people, unless it is in their opinion of me, but instead get them to think about the truth in their own view. I have to say that your post got me thinking about how love works and i ended up writing a paper on it afterwards (which originally started out as a ps to my post to you that started with "I am the greatest lover in the world" LOL). So thx u for posting!

[mahlina]

OMG! You sound just like me when I was with my ex! We had a long distance one too!

 

To answer your question Yes! I would definitely call it a break! I know exactly how you feel, especially when you were hurting, and everytime he sees you he would play it off as if everything's fine! My ex was just like that. At times, it felt like he was playing devil's advocate.

 

I think that you should listen to your friends. They know how you are. They know who's right for you. They see it! If he's making you happy, and then they would celebrate and congradulate you. But this is not the case.

 

If you have that intuition that he's playing on you, then listen to it. I found out about some nasty stuff that my ex did. I won't repeat it, but it really drove me insane just knowing that he had the heart to be so cold and vain. He was such a Rico Suave. So just be careful with your man! Sounds like he can put on the puppy-eye look, and can so easily sway you to forgive him, when you're physically there with him in person.

 

Maybe your friends are right. Maybe he just wants to use you. You can tell especially if you try talking serious with him over the phone, and he keeps on changing the conversation. When a guy changes the conversation, when you're trying to talk seriously about your relationship, and he 'acts' like he's falling asleep or watching TV, then you know for sure that he's just a PIG, and is not willing to work things out with you. In that case, he's only in it for his benefit, not yours!

 

Think about it: Is he truly a trusted friend? Can you rely on this guy? Is he honest or sincere? Or is it just concidental that everyone you talk about the relationship and what bothers you, that he's somehow busy, or carelessly shrugs it off, and acts like he didn't hear you? If that's the case, then chances are, you are nothing to him, but a "sex-object," nothing more, and nothing less.

 

And if you try to stick around to please him, he will just "exploit" you until you fall on your knees and cry out your soul, and then when he gets sick of it, he will eventually toss you away like an old rag.

 

My ex was a smoooth guy. I tried so many times to be a great girlfriend. I gave him my all, and received nothing in return. He had me wrapped around his finger. The relationship was NOTHING, but complete B.S. So be careful! Sounds like your guy's the same.

 

-Mahlina

 

P.S.- Your guy, neglecting your emotions, proves that you're in an unhealthy relationship. So break away from it before your pain consumes you! I feel your pain. Take Care!