Should I stay?

[afgirl1]

I have been with my boyfriend for about one year. I am the type to have long-term relationships. Before him, I had a 5 year relationship, which I broke off for him. We have been living together for about 8 months. I am also the first girl he has fallen in love with.

 

Here is my problem: my boyfriend likes this forum for objectivism (i.e. Ayn Rand Forum). There was a girl on there who requested him as a friend on Facebook. A few days later he messaged her, and they started chit chatting. The messages looked extremely flirty, although he denies it. He didn't tell me about them - I stumbled upon them because he was still logged in on my laptop. He said they were just friendly, but I think they were flirty. Then he started talking to her on AIM, and I threatened to break up with him. I have never given any boyfriend an ultimatum before, but this was very wrong. I am a great catch and deserve a lot!

 

So he thought about it for a day or so, and he said he would never talk to her if I read a couple of Ayn Rand books, so I could discuss it with him. I am not extremely interested in this, but I said I would give it a try.

 

He then told me this morning he realized that he was sexually attracted to her, and he would not talk to her anymore. This sounds fine I guess, but I am wondering if this relationship is healthy. I appreciate him being honest. I don't go "window shopping" while I am happy in a relationship, though. I am ok with him being friends with girls, as it doesn't bother me, as long as it is plutonic. The point is I am not talking to guys on Facebook or by any other means because I am not interested, and it seems like he is. This worries me, and I am wondering if I should leave him. We have this agreement, but why should I have to make an agreement to stop him from talking to other girls? It doesn't make much sense to me. I feel like I have to constantly check up on him. And to top it off, my ex never did anything like this, so I know there are guys out there who wouldn't do this.

[Jd1983]

While I must give it to him that he's being honest - actually too honest, I would not like it if my boyfriend was talking to a girl that he just met while being sexually attracted to her. It's not a matter of making ultimatums, but a matter of respect. If he constantly feels the need to get attention elsewhere I would definitely question the relationship. Perhaps you should have a talk with him to see what he expects from this relationship, it you guys aren't on the same page - it will never work. Good luck.

[catfeeder]

My definition of hell on earth would be to decide that I can successfully prevent my lover from socializing with half the world's population--females. So first thing to decide is whether you feel this way about all potential female friendships, or this one in particular.

 

Reason to establish that is because policing someone defeats the whole purpose of commitment. Either a man is committed to you and owns a conscience and can draw his own boundaries with others in the world and you trust this, or you believe that he's interested in straying and he gives you reasons for not trusting him--so you don't trust him. (BTW--him telling you that he found the woman attractive was manipulative. I would ask him why he told you that, and see if you're satisfied with his answer.)

 

If you don't trust a man, then you get to decide whether you want to live a hellish life of insecurity--feeling and acting like someone's jailor, or whether you'd rather move forward to heal up and eventually pursue a relationship with someone you can trust.

 

If you don't feel you can trust anyone, then this is something for you to resolve--otherwise, you'll only drive away perfectly good men who only want to be treated like the fully grown adults that they are. That includes picking their own friends. However, if your insecurity is limited to this one guy because he's not only behaving badly, but he's also baiting you with it? I wouldn't permit him to gaslight you into thinking you're just some insecure shrew, because honest and committed men don't try to provoke jealousy. (BTW--I also think that he left that stuff up and running for you to find.)

 

In your corner.