THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[DreamySkies]

Trying2- Not to open another can of worms, but I find it a bit ty that your friend would expect you to suck up your own travesty for her big day. I get that we may sound like broken records at times and crying over stuff that those on the outside may only find annoying not devastating... but you deserve to have her friendship, just as much as she deserves to have you support and plan her special day. She needs to not be a bridezilla, and focus on being the friendship that has her asking you to be her maid of honor in the first place.

 

Also definitely avoid the place of common interest. Even if you think you can be strong, the contact will royally mess you up. Add in any boozing... it'll be a poop show

 

Alr85 - Thank you for the advice. I agree that no matter what has happened in his world, it's not my job to be there for him anymore. He took his toys and went home months ago. Now it's my turn to be selfish. It's been a struggle... it's still a struggle right now. Once I can find acceptance with I don't owe him anything, let alone a response, I'll feel better. I know deep down I need to keep walking forward. I was in tears last night but I kept reminding myself how much better off I was already - and would be going forward. I hope the strength remains today!

 

I hope today is another good day for you. I promise, blocking him and telling him so weeks ago was the best thing I did so far in this train wreck of a break up!

[trying2bestrng]

That crossed my mind. It is really kind of selfish of her. I wont put myself through that torcher again. She better not expect me to either. If I tell her im still sad im afraid her response would be negative. Like "still?" Or "get over it" she has shut me out a bit lately. I understand she is stressed about wedding details but she has to take other peoples feelings in to account. It is her time to be happy but not at the expense of others.

[trying2bestrng]

Dreamyskies, im really proud of you for standing your ground yesterday. I probably would have caved! It was an inspiration! Very admirable!!

[alr85]

I agree with Trying 2be-- that shows true strength! I'm not that strong yet. Thankfully with the help of strangers I'll get there lol

[Monkey ai]

Day 32

 

Looking forward!!!!! NOT back!!!

[alr85]

So sad today. Day 2. 1 1/2 months since BU. At least I don't have to worry about the temptation of calling him because I know for sure he doesn't want to hear from me. That little bit of reassurance helps but it also is the cause of me being so desperately sad today. I can't wrap my head around how someone could just walk away but the reality is that someday I'll be thankful he was brave enough to go because I will have found someone capable of loving me completely and without conditions. He was so mean to me. He called me unforgivable names when he was drinking and kicked my furniture in a hissy fit. He was a functional alcoholic and he didn't want my help.. didn't and doesn't recognize he even needs help. Alcoholism runs in his family. His dad, grandpas and uncles on both sides struggle with it. His cousin that's his age has no license because of DUI's and sits in his house alone all day. My ex only has luck on his side as he drives drunk (obliterated) 4-6 nights a week. I was close to calling the cops on him multiple times because he was putting others at risk by driving. And his friends all just watch him down a 30 pack and then stumble to his car to drive home. Sickening. My daughter and I deserve so much better. I wish I had a special lock on my phone that prevented me from texting him when I foget all the bad stuff.

[Kaytie]

It's been one week. I have had overwhelming urges to contact her, but I haven't. I've had two therapy sessions (the same therapist that was supposed to be our couples therapist) and have spent a lot of time talking to my parents and friends. My parents - thank goodness I have amazingly supportive and wise parents!

 

We were together 3 years and a child is involved (I was a step-mom). Our daughter has messaged me a few times which is breaking my heart. Clearly she doesn't know yet. I didn't want to ignore a child so I just responded telling her I love her too. She asked when she'll see me next. This is killing me….

 

I wanted so much to go over there and shake her and ask her WHY…as we all likely experience. WHY couldn't it work, why didn't we make it to counselling, WHY aren't you trying anymore for the sake of our daughter. WHY??!!!

 

At the end of the day, though, when we split briefly (for a day) in December, I am the one who initiated contact. I can't do that to myself again. I just can't. I've been in a world of pain. What is killing me is the little bit of hope I have. She told me she didn't want this, that she still loves me, but that we've been unhappy for so long that she just couldn't see a way out.

 

This sucks. I SO wish there was a switch to turn the pain off. And a switch to keep remembering the bad and stop idealizing!!!!

[Kaytie]

I need to keep reminding myself that I only want someone who wants me. I want a woman that will fight just as hard as I do to make it work. I'm not a quitter by nature so this is extremely hard for me to accept. I have to not look at this as a personal failure. I know intellectually that it takes two, but my heart is effed.

[js0905]

Just an update because it makes me feel better to be able to keep track of things.

 

Today is day 47 and truthfully I'm starting to let him go, every so often he comes to mind but not nearly as often.

 

I look at his pictures less and less.

 

Also realize more and more how little he seemed to care for me after the first 3 - 4 months.....

 

He really was not a good person and unfortunately stole my heart. Because of this I allowed him to be disrespectful and take advantage of me.

 

I let it go on for to long and he started thinking that was ok. Now it's truly over and the last time he tried to contact me was 4 weeks ago yesterday.

Since I didn't reply to the breadcrumbs he threw at me, he didn't try anymore.....

[korben]

Day 27.

 

Almost at 30, and then onto 60. Can't wait until I just stop counting.

[trying2bestrng]

Day 7. I would be lying if I said Im not thinking he may contact me today. Im just setting myself up for dissapointment.

 

I use to watch Greys Anatomy religiously. I haven't been watching it this season but happen to last night. For those who watched it last night um...wow. it really hit home for me. The way the Intern acted so strong when it came to her own heartbreak. Talking to her boyfriend that one day just up and married his EX. No explanation, just did it. He was telling her how sorry he was. She was just like " screw you buddy". I never thought she was pretty in the show but seeing how great she handled her emotions in front of him made her beautiful to me. Strong... that is what I want to appear to be...until I am. Fake it until I make it!

 

Okay, moving on..Why you should not be involved with anyone before getting over your Ex....Reason #1: You may screw up and call him your ex's name....

Yup true story! I've done it 4 times now. In my defense their names are similar but how ignorant of me! I felt so awful.

 

I had another dream about my Ex last night but instead of seeing him we were just texting. That is less heart wrenching when I wake up in the morning.

 

My emotions come in waves. One minute im totally fine and it feels as if I can move forward. Then the next minute im a complete mess and so sad. I know everyone can undestand that. I've read happy optimistic posts one day from people and then the next day..sad, hurt, and confused all over again. I wish I could take away everyones pain and give them happiness. Time heals all pain but time stands still when you feel so sad!

 

Okay next. I've been getting into angel numbers. Mine is 1111...I see 11 a lot too. I have always seen it as a sign. I would explain but it would take me hours. It has just been a part of my life since the day I was born. For a short example. My birthday is 11/11... I was born 11 minutes to 11pm. My moms birthday is 11 days after mine and my dads is the 11th of Dec. My favorite grama was born in 1911. Anyways you get the point right... so I looked it up and it means that whatever im thinking about when I see my number is manifesting at record speed. So I need to make sure my thoughts are pure and correct or I could manifest bad things into my life. Well, I was excited at first but after this past week im not a believer. I also heard making a wish when you see 11:11 on the clock your wish will come true. Well, it doesn't work. I guess im so desperate that im turning to such stupid lucky signs and myths. I was thinking I had angels for a bit and they showed me signs. Im no longer feeling that way. Sadness really took over me and I saw what I wanted to see. Im telling you...I should be in a crazy home! Haha.

 

I have to admit, I divulge my thoughts and emotions on here more then to my friends. I may be judged but im fine with it. I just dont want my friends getting sick of hearing it. Kind of like my one girlfriend that gets sad over her MARRIED boyfriend. I get so mad at her!! Of course he didn't call..he is with his wife! It gets tiring cause how can you be so nieve to think he is going to leave his wife for you. Even if he did, you can't trust him. She is blinded by love but I think most of us are...(if we could just see the bigger picture and stop letting our heats rule our emotions, we would be better off)....it will soon bite her in the butt...I dont condone it by any means. I could not be with a married man. My Ex has a girlfriend and me backing off I feel is my only choice. Even though they are not married, I dont want to hurt her either, she is innocent... I feel hopeless... Just sad as hell. I would love a bread crumb today. Just anything that shows he thinks about me. I cant expect it. I probably will not hear from him again. I ignored his last 2 texts and im sure he wont do it again. Anyways, that's my Readers Digest version of my feelings today. Hope everyone has a good day!!

[trying2bestrng]

Feeling abandoned by my angels. Sitting in my car crying after I got a $90 speeding ticket. Asking why they left me when I needed them the most.

 

So just then my EX Sends me a text.. he said hello, I hope you're doing great cause you should be. Its a good thing I never miss you. ( sarcasm of course) so now im freaking out! Do I text back? Or move forward with no contact? Im not strong enough yet. Im shocked. It has been 1 week to the hour that he contacted me last.

 

Okay im going to stay strong and not reply. F M L.. I should probably apologize to my angels..

[alr85]

Well what is your ultimate goal? I'm not sure I'm pro NC anymore. I'm not sure what I believe. I know people need space. I know i'd be weak and contact him back because that's my history but look where its gotten me. If you want to possibly/probably open yourself up to his rejection or a request at friendship then respond. If you want to prove to him that youre capable and confident enough to move on without him and he needs to be worthy of your time, then ignore it. When he wants you he will let you know. This sounds like a peace offering. Also sounds like he wants to gauge where you're at in your healing process.

[trying2bestrng]

I want to do the opposite of what he expects me to do. I wont respond because I dont want to be his friend. Im positive he just wants to make sure I am available for him. I have read a lot of info on how to get your ex back and most of it says NO contact. Some say limit the contact by only responding after he does. But that is being a friend... I dont want that... I must get over this man!

[alr85]

You're in a good mindset

[Kaytie]

I'm so sorry about the ticket - that is the absolute last thing you need right now!!!

 

It's so hard to know what to do. Contact, no contact. One minute you're strong, the next a pile of goo. I hate it. I hate the ups and downs. For me, I've decided because I'm so torn as to whether to contact her or not, I just do nothing. If I had more clarity, I may act, but not now. It's only been 8 days for me.

 

Hugs!

[trying2bestrng]

Thank you for your concern. far as I can tell no contact is the way to go..they have to miss you and know what life is like when you're no longer in it... I was doing all the anitiating until I went no contact and so far he has reached out to me. I replied last week but im going to stay strong this week and see how it plays out. Of course I want him begging me back but he has a girlfriend so I dont see that happening nor would I want to be the one to break up his relationship. He must figure it out on his own. Without me... stay strong and dont be the one that anitiate contact.

[trying2bestrng]

alr85, our situation is so similar (except my ex has a girlfriend) I know your EX will contact you again. Im not sure about what im doing but I can say its completely foreign for me not to respond. . Im not going to do it!!

[alr85]

Day 3-- had a nightmare last night he was intimate with another woman (my friend from college) and then texted me a video of it. As if the sadness wasn't pronounced enough. Couldn't sleep after that. Started talking to a new guy that a friend introduced me to. He seems like everything I've looked for, even the same religious denomination and a loving and caring dad so he gets the demands of being a good parent. Still an aching sore feeling and I've been close to tears all day. Sad. That's all I can think about to describe this situation is just... sad for everyone involved.

 

I wish I hadn't spoke to him this week. The hurt I feel now is a deep kind of hurt that comes from adapting to a loss of power. To everyone whose exes are reaching out like mine did, be strong and remember the pain you feel 4 days after he contacts when you're reeling from another let down. I got excited that he reached out only to realize it was more to check on the status of my healing and less because of his genuine concern. Bullocks.

 

I got my teeth cleaned at the dentist today and the whole time i laid there on the chair I came to a realization. He had one foot out the door after 6 months and I could sense it. Being in a father role was not for him. He was always awkward with my child. He wanted to love her and tried so hard for so long and I thought it would come more naturally to him with time but in all reality he saw her as a noisy burden that required work patience and understanding-- the child I love with my entire being. Anyways, I could sense he was a flight risk and now it makes sense why I wanted a dog/his dream dog. I thought it would give him a sense of excitement in coming home to us, something that was his to enjoy. Instead he resented me for giving him another responsibility (he gives me all the blame even though he wanted her too). He actually called me a few weeks ago (hammered) to yell at me about the dog again because she got off her leash. So glad I didn't marry this man.. at least in his current state. Doesn't make me miss him less though it should.

[js0905]

*Day 48*

 

Hopefully I will be able to forget him by day 60.

 

He was on my mind a lot today, remembered how he is not even that good looking. However even though I'm dating better looking guys they are just not him.

I'm not feeling it for anybody else, maybe it's time to take a real break and do what ever I'd need to do for myself.

[Kaytie]

Well I got the closure I needed. Day 8.

 

What a day! I am in therapy and was told to write her a letter with everything and anything in it I wanted to say to her. But of course, not send it. And what happened? I accidentally sent it due to some freak autofill failure!!!! I had intended to send it to my personal email and a trusted friend, then print it and attach it to my paper journal.

 

Now, it was all honest things, but it was my JOURNAL. Private things I wouldn't even barely share with my therapist! All about how I felt about her and our child, regrets, owning the stuff I needed to own - all raw, real, and honest.

 

Hours go by and she contacts me, but it's non-committal. She's confused, doesn't know what she wants, she's in pain (all about her, as usual). I respond explaining that I sent it in error and was using the journal for my pain, but that my feelings were honest and now I felt rather naked, exposed and vulnerable..It was AGAIN a heartfelt (but guarded) email just explaining that it was sent in error. I was NOT asking for reconciliation. It was simply my feelings.

 

Her response? "I guess you needed to know I received it." What the hell is that? To me, it's her usual BS sarcasm. She either didn't believe it was sent in error (it truly was - I even had a panic attack once I realized it on the gym floor no less) or THOUGHT it was an attempt at reconciliation and then once she found out it wasn't got defensive and childish and rude. As per usual.

 

I am angry, yet oddly relieved. I know she will never change. She is emotionally immature, cannot ever put my feelings above her own reactivity and she is just plain mean at times. Her constant defensiveness was a huge issue in our 3 year relationship. I mean, for most of us, even if we didn't want to reconcile and you decided to respond, you'd at least respond with some kind of human kindness and not make it all about you. Then when I explained it was a mistake to send the email, she again came back with a rude sarcastic response. What the hell does "I guess you needed to know I received it" anyway?

 

I am done. Done and done. No hope left. And the last 8 days it was the hope that was killing me. Now I know for CERTAIN that I deserve better and can truly, truly start to heal. No more fantasies of her showing up at my door or 'coming to her senses.' I didn't respond to her last rude email - I am taking the high road, will continue with my therapy, and she can continue to never be accountable for herself and continue to have failed relationships. I will find someone who truly deserves me.

[Kaytie]

^^ And you know, I actually believe all that I wrote too. Yay me!

[trying2bestrng]

Katyie, that is good that she knows exactly how you feel and you are excepting the break up. For months I couldn't except my break up and hurt the same everyday. So for you to get closure is awesome. One day at a time from now on.

[Kaytie]

Thank you. I know it isn't going to be linear. I know there are rough days ahead, but at least she showed me who she really is and I don't have regrets anymore. I just hope I can maintain this mindset.

 

How are you doing today?

[trying2bestrng]

Day 8. I didn't cave and return his message. I had no desire... Plus i dont know what he tells his new girlfriend. He use to tell me everything his ex wife would text him. I NEVER want my heartache to be a conversation topic for him and his lady. If I replied it would have been simple like, doing great..thanks for asking. But I would've regretted saying that. If he didn't respond back then I wouldnt be the one in control anymore. I need to have the power on my side. Even if its only for a few days. My best friend is here and I will have plenty to do to keep my mind off him.