THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[trying2bestrng]

I know. I should have cut ties when I first moved out. He would call me crying and leave me 10 minute long messages. I felt sorry cause he missed me so much. It was hard to see him hurting. Im an idiot. I have been his friend for 6 months. Now I regret it.Im the one that got hurt in the end.

[alr85]

Trying2bestrng your situation sounds a lot like mine-- My ex was also a drunken idiot but when he first moved out, all I remembered were the times he was sober and loving.. and then the more I questioned his drinking and the way he treated me when he was drinking, he began to withhold affection when he was sober as well.

 

I honestly feel in my heart that if I went back to my ex (if he someday decided he wanted me) it would be at the expense of my own respect and his respect for me. He knows in his heart that the way he treated me was wrong and if I took him back he would probably question my self-worth and he would never be able to see me as the strong, independent woman I was before. The whole relationship dynamic would change. Continue to be strong. My mom has to remind me often that I would never be able to have a family with him because of the way he drinks and if I did try to build a life with him, adding children to the mix would be a nightmare. I also tried to convince myself that he would settle down when we got married or had children. She is a therapist and she has to tell me often that she has never seen a man "fix himself" because of a marriage or because he becomes a dad. Usually, it compounds issues. I know it hurts when people say it to me but it's true-- I dodged a bullet by not getting too invested in him.

 

It's hard to see the forest through the trees but there is a man out there that has what you're looking for and will not be afraid to remind you what a beautiful, awesome goddess you are Hang in there!

[alr85]

P.S. I also used to record him too because he never believed me when I would tell him how bad things got. I still have pictures of the furniture he flipped over and a video of him vomitting in our bathtub after a typical weekend drinking binge.

[trying2bestrng]

alr85, wow.. yes our situation is very similar.His friends use to tell me that if I had a kid with him he would settle down. Some days I thought about it then other days there was no way I would take that chance. I often wonder if maybe he would change but after reading what your mom said I'm so glad I decided against it. He had a new girlfriend and I'm really tore up about it. My friends tell me to just be glad its not you anymore. Cutting the apron strings with my ex is be a challenge. I am a woman that has self worth and deserve to be treated with respect. He took me for granted but didn't realize it until I was gone. So I did have a glimmer of hope that he would change but he wont and I need to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt and move on. Thank you for your words of encouragement. They have helped a lot

[Dallasborn]

I just found this website, glad I did. I accept the challenge. I have a child with my soon to be EX wife but she hardly gives contacts me about our daughter or replies when I try to talk to or see how our daughter is doing. I know this is going to sound crazy but idc... We have been separated for a little over 5 years. Long story short I was in the Army when she left, divorce was in process but I came down on orders to Iraq. Had to ask for delay. Got back a year later and waived my dwell time to go on another deployment to Afghan. Had to ask for another delay. While I was in Afghan courts threw out our docket due to inactivity. It's never been filed again. Besides deployments (couldn't drink) I spent most of the time drunk. Realized I had a problem three weeks ago and am now in AA. Even tho it's been 5 years since we split I've only really gone thru the emotions for three weeks due to drowning all the emotions in a bottle for 5 years. I've dated here and there since we split but was mainly to not feel alone; nothing ever too serious. I miss my wife; I miss my family. After I got out of the Army my wife took off with my daughter to Florida city unknown to me. She didn't give a warning or anything just took off with my daughter. She has played games with my daughter using her as a weapon to hurt me ever since we split. I think a normal person would not still have feelings for her. Even tho she has ripped my heart to shreds for 5 years using the love I have for my daughter I still love this woman. I hope this challenge helps me with this.

[Lovesoldier84]

I am day 21 no contact and he dumped me. I feel better and when I energy is up, I see and feel his depression too. It seems men need time to process feelings and that comes later after their 'I'm free' stage... But they'll regret it. And contact you... DO NOT LADIES FOR THE LIFE OF YOU BREAK NO CONTACT. I almost did but ed my therapist and she said no. It wi just ruin my 3 week streak and he will win.

[alr85]

So my ex contacted me last night. He said he hopes we are doing well and that he does miss me and *the nickname he has for my daughter.

 

I didn't respond and then I realized of course he misses us. We were the best thing that ever happened to him. It would take so much more than an I miss you text for me to go back. It would some serious therapy on his behalf and even then, therapy can't really change a man's personality. He is really just not a nice person. I'm learning this now that I'm on the outside of the relationship. I got the answer I needed. He does care. The value is added back into our two years together and they werent just a joke to him. Onward and upward.

[trying2bestrng]

alr85, so much nicer when you can ignore them! Im back at my desk job today...nothing but time to think. I hate that. Stay strong!

[alr85]

Thanks-- its easier to ignore him knowing that he only "misses" me when he's had a few drinks or when he had a rough day at work. You stay strong too. I get what you mean about too much time on your hands. I'm a teacher and do fine during the day but I'm on spring break this week.. have to keep my mind busy!

[js0905]

I am day 21 no contact and he dumped me. I feel better and when I energy is up, I see and feel his depression too. It seems men need time to process feelings and that comes later after their 'I'm free' stage... But they'll regret it. And contact you... DO NOT LADIES FOR THE LIFE OF YOU BREAK NO CONTACT. I almost did but ed my therapist and she said no. It wi just ruin my 3 week streak and he will win.

 

Yes, stay strong, he contacted me on day18 and I never replied now I'm at day 44.

 

Feeling actually much, much better =)

[trying2bestrng]

Day 4. Almost 1 year since I moved out of his house... Im doing better. Yes I still think about him all the time but after having a great weekend with the guy I'm seeing now and hearing that old recording of how it was with my ex, my eyes are open. I would be a fool to let him go. He is one of those guys that tells me how beautiful I am all the time, puts both hand on the back of my neck and pulls me in tight for a passionate kiss. He made my daughters lunch and helped her with homework. Wants to take my son fishing this weekend. Those are things my ex would never do. He is 9 years younger then me but he makes me feel young. He enjoys going to the gym and I really like that. He has a nice body and takes very good care of himself. I love his laugh and we have been doing that a lot lately. I feel hopeful that I can get over my ex. If he called me today and begged me back I would say no. I have never been able to say that until now. Again... I'm not very religious but I know my praying and asking my angels for help is what has made me stronger. I hope I can continue to be this hopeful in the days that follow. So for now I'm doing great without him!

[stillgrieving]

back again.. not counting days anymore. my double date was FANTASTIC. i met this guy and he is super sweet to me. way better than my ex ever was to me even in the beginning. we've been going out, getting to know each other and its been great. im excited to see where this goes. i could care less about my ex. once you guys heal, go back out there and date again. you'll realize you wasted so much time thinking about a loser. i'm about 3 months post breakup now and 2.5 months no contact. could care less if i ever heard from him again.

[alr85]

Ended up getting in touch with him today. Such a weak moment. Sent him a text asking if he wanted to meet up for coffee some time. I figured since he texted me the other night saying he missed me, he would be willing to meet up and we could see if there was still any chemistry. I feel pathetic for even wanting to see if there was chemistry considering the way he's treated me. He gave me a short cold response and claimed he was busy at work. I called him out on it and didn't get a response. His "go to" when he doesn't want to deal with any emotions is to say "he's busy. talk later." I then basically told him that when he texts me it hurts me and it makes it harder to heal and just when I'm doing well and moving on, he sends me a text from out of nowhere just to check in and make sure I'm not over him completely. I then said that if he is feeling like he misses me but still doesn't want to come back to the relationship then he needs to keep his feelings to himself because they're not helping anybody get over this. He said he's sorry and he won't text again. Then after a brief conversation he told me that we're different people, we don't have anything in common and our relationship didn't feel right anymore. I told him I appreciated that he was up front on and honest (for the first time since we broke up) and even though it hurts, it's nice to have the closure I needed. He said he hopes I find "the one." I texted back saying that this is just a bump in the road and I know I'll find what I'm looking for and that I hope he finds whatever it is he's looking for (beer, boobs, shallow conversation and a housekeeper). I'm sure tomorrow I'll wake up with that old hollow feeling that I've been trying to overcome but at least at this point, the hurt will only get better and I won't open myself up to it anymore wondering "what if I...?" I know, my friends, he will be back in about a month to check in but I have to be steadfast. He doesn't want me and what i have to offer. He finally said it plain as day so this message can serve as a reminder. I think the kicker and what hurt the most was when he said he hopes I find "the one." Because the thought of him being intimate with another woman actually makes me want to vomit whereas he doesn't seem to mind imagining me with another man. I politely emailed his friends and family and told them that being fb friends with them is keeping me from fully healing so I unfriended them. They said they understood and then I blocked my ex from being able to see my fb profile. It felt like a step in the right direction even though my countdown is starting over. Dang it. Everyone here seems to be starting relationships with others to get over their exes. I'm trying to decide if it's the right thing for me to do. Even my therapist is telling me to go out and meet men. It seems so pointless.. I am not attracted to any other men right now at this point. Maybe force myself to do it and see what happens? Seems so unnatural.

[trying2bestrng]

alr85, I could not wait for a free moment to respond to your last post. We all have weak moments, God knows I had a weak couple weeks! I called and begged him and was pathetic in every way possible. We are only human and you are hurting. By him contacting you the other day gave you hope and it looked so obvious that he wanted to talk to you. I myself thought the same thing. When my ex called me CRYING and saying how much he missed me, I thought for sure we were going to get back together only to find out the next day after I started to show weakness did he back off. I was confused and hurt!! Like what just happened? This man has been begging me back for months and now overnight he has a total change of heart? It was like the second I started to show interest he wasn't interested anymore. It was very Narcissistic of him. Sounds like your ex is a bit Narcissistic as well! Just making sure we are still available and as soon as they find out we are, they back off again. As far as him turning you down and saying he hopes you find "the one" sounds to me that he may be a little mad you did not answer him right away when he originally contacted you ( I could be wrong but maybe a defense mechanism on his part). I told my EX the same thing and very much meant it at the the time and eventually regretting my choice to say it. SO the possibility your EX will regret telling you that is very possible.

 

The point of the "no contact rule" is to better yourself. When you begin to rebuild yourself and start to move on he will be back (Murphys Law). I wish you could have contacted me instead. When we have so much emotion built up in us is the WRONG time to contact them. We need to appear as if we are confident and can live without them. Its a head game and its human nature, "We want what we cant have". Especially when it comes to Narcissistic men. As far as you dating "Just because you are available to have a relationship doesn't mean you are ready" I'm sure you have heard that before. I have NO business being in a relationship, I was not ready and I am still not ready. The man I am seeing now knows I am still in love with my ex but yet he fights to stay with me. I am in a relationship because I am scared to face myself alone. I have never been like that before. I was single for many years and was totally fine. For some reason I am not like that anymore and I hate myself for it!

 

The conversation you and your EX had needed to happen. He knows how you feel without a question. Now you have to show him that you are strong and can live without him CAUSE you can! Starting this stupid count down again sucks without a doubt but you learned that you are not strong enough to talk to him yet. For now... don't forget your self worth and remember the things that you told me. You can do this sister!! Show him you can live happily without him. He will notice, I promise you that.

[Kaytie]

^^^ Great advice. I am on day 6 and keep reminding myself of all of these things. It's amazing how strong the urge is. You just want to shake them to knock some sense in them, even if you intellectually KNOW the relationship wasn't good. But the what ifs plague you. What if we had actually made it to therapy? What if I or you did this differently....

 

I was usually a confident, strong woman - and I know I am somewhere - but right now I feel like less than, a shell. It's all rather pathetic really.

[trying2bestrng]

Stay strong. When you anitiate contact it only gives them your power. It is none of his business that you are sad and hurting. If contact is made before you are ready you lose everything you are trying to accomplish. Keep your self respect, self worth, and above all YOUR DIGNITY. God knows I have lost all of those important things by anitiating contact an losing my cool. I cant go back and fix it but I also know not to make that mistake again. The ONLY thing your ex needs to know is that you are fine.

 

I was originally the dumper with my ex, I started to want him back when I realized he didn't need me anymore. Keep that in mind if this is the man you want. Needy, desperate and pathetic actions only push them away. Dont do it! Stay strong!!

 

This is day 5 for me after he initiated contact last friday.

[Kaytie]

The thing is, it was a mutual break up. We'd been struggling for awhile, but I think I was still willing to work on it and she was more done than I was. Either that or it is her pride. Not sure. And I guess it doesn't matter now. She knows my number, my email, and where to find me if she ever wants to contact me again. And if she doesn't, then I have my answer.

 

I keep telling myself I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. The 'one' for me will never hurt me like this, nor will the relationship be so hard. Relationships take work of course, but I shouldn't doubt her love for me or not feel valued as I should. I know I wasn't happy either. I guess I just want the pain to stop.

 

And she has her daughter as a distraction for the first half of this week. But then she will be alone in her thoughts. It's so effed up knowing what to do on some level, but not being able to see it or convince yourself of it.

 

And this isn't the first time for me either. I came here four years ago after my ex of 12 years left. I do not remember the pain being this bad. I guess because it was more final? I hate holding onto hope.

 

I hope you are holding up okay. Thanks for your post.

[trying2bestrng]

alr85, one more thing..Messaging his family on facebook was not nessasarry. You know you are a strong woman. You do not owe people explanations for your actions nor should you ever apologize. This is about you and no one else. This is your time to be selfish. Screw them!!

[alr85]

Thanks times a million for the advice. It was a weak moment but I'm glad I had the insight and the strength to handle it maturely and withhold the name calling like I wanted to. I actually woke up this morning feeling better than I anticipated. Even if I don't believe it for myself all the time, my daughter deserves better in her life. She has watched this all unfold no matter how hard I tried to shield her from it. Its time for me to give all of me back to her-- where my attention belongs As far as his family, they were trying to save the relationship and communicated with me often about it. They know he screwed up and lost 2 great people who loved him because he wanted to drink non stop without someone questioning him. I didn't want to hurt them by shutting them out but they were hurting me by giving me hope. I think since they live out of state, they liked having me to care for him because they realize how wreck less his behavior is.

[alr85]

Day 1-- It's funny, after the closure I got yesterday, he barely crossed my mind today. Last night was really hard and I assumed today would be harder but it wasn't. When we first broke up last month I remember I labored through every hour, my mind racing over all of the things that I was losing when he walked away. The fact that I'm able to function again and once again enjoy the things that I love is a huge deal and even though I caved yesterday, I can still feel like I've progressed. I'm sure the pain isn't over but it's less and I'll take it

[DreamySkies]

Alr85 - I was trying to post earlier but the day got away from me. I wanted to say that while at the time, mine had not dropped even the slightest bread crumb, that it wasn't until I finally blocked him completely from my life that I felt relief. Even deleting him and his friends at first didn't feel as good as it did when I blocked him. I also let him know that I was doing exactly that and that he was to never contact me again. I did this with absolutely no desire of him ever reaching out to me again. I didn't want a response. The next day it felt like a 100lbs had been lifted off my shoulders and my heart. I felt like I could breath. It's still hard at times, I'm not going to fake it, but I'm no where as tormented and upset as I was prior to this.

 

As far as dating, do what you're comfortable with. I've gone on a few dates myself and it's helped in ways. I wouldn't say it's been negative at all. However, I am taking it very slow and being very casual. I wanted to take a year (that's me trying to set a timeline to everything) before I dated. I realize that's not the issue. The issue is my focus on working on the things that I want to change or are changing. Anything serious will lead me to abandoning these things, so I'm being cautious and slow. I've made great connections that are leading to great friendships. I'm rebuilding my life and sometimes it's the company of people (new people for me since I lost all my friends basically in the breakup). It's more about staying busy than anything else. Congratulations, and welcome to what I call the otherside of the breakup. It definitely feels so different from the other half I was in. I too use to count down the minutes. It's a huge relief.

 

 

 

I was coming to write earlier today how I had been struggling the past few days but that deep down I was so much happier and better with where I was. Counselor is really helping. Last week I had a fantastic week and I felt so confident. Over this weekend I was less active and it left more time for me to think... ultimately leaving the first half of my week to be a bit of a step back. I'm not feeling as confident and I was starting to think about all the what if's and if there was a reunion still ahead of us. Complete torture...it's as if I started focusing on trying to control the situation rather than believing what I was telling myself and confident in just last week.

 

Well... guess who texted me this afternoon? He did. He asked "Can I please call you in a little while?" I didn't respond. Then he called about 90 minutes later and left me a voicemail. I'm on my knees. This is so extremely difficult. I'm going to make a separate post about it as I need guidance and I am just so torn. It doesn't feel like bread crumbs... but what do I know.

[alr85]

Oh my goodness that is such a hard situation to be in. Think about how far you've come though and how far backwards talking to him could take you I wish I had more encouraging words for you. Chances are he either got dumped/rejected or something unfortunate happened and he needs to talk to someone who he knows supports him regardless. If you don't call back, I'm sure he will text you the details later and you can judge for yourself the severity of it. Hang in there.. it always happens when they think we've moved on.

 

"it's as if I started focusing on trying to control the situation rather than believing what I was telling myself and confident in just last week." This was brilliant and thank you for helping me see it this way. I'm a control freak so this makes sense to me. I'm feeling a little step below what I was when I posted earlier but it probably has to do with it raining outside and my little peanut spending the night at her friends house so the house is quiet.

 

Let us know what happens!!

[trying2bestrng]

Day 6. I wish I could listen to my own advice. Its easier to give it then take it. After he contacted me last Friday I said I wouldn't get my hopes up...well I did I guess. I thought in the back of my mind that he would have contacting again before now. I know its only been 6 days but when you feel like this, time seems to slow down and days feel like weeks.

 

I find myself getting very irritated at the fact that he now has a full time job making a lot of money and he doesn't go to bowling leagues anymore. I took care of bills when I lived with him because he was laid off most the time. His weekly leagues were the death of us. He would come home totally drunk. Now that those issues are resolved, another woman gets to enjoy him. Flippen figures!!!! His job is suppose to end next month and he will be laid off again. Meaning he will be back at home. Him and his new lady have only spent weekends together so they will be getting to know each other better. When he is laid off he is a nightmare. He is so stressed out and depressed. Who knows, maybe he will be different with her. I know he loved me a ton when we were together so I dont think it will be different with her but the thought is crossing my mind.

 

I feel abandoned these last few days. Asking my angels for guidance and they stopped answering me. Maybe I'm just being too selfish in what I am asking.

 

My best friend will be here this weekend.. I am her maid of honor at her wedding in July. She wants to go over a few things regarding her pre wedding bash. I know she will want to hang out at the place my ex always goes. I hope I can talk her in to going somewhere else. I cant go there. I dont want to see him with his girlfriend again. She will understand... I hope. I tell her I'm fine...she almost had me step down from being maid of honor... I had to put a happy face on and stop talking to her about my depression. It was stressing her out. Its hard not being able to turn to your best friend at times like this. Im very glad I can express my feelings here. Today will be a good day. I just need to stay positive!

[alr85]

Trying2bestrng hang in there. Ive found its always hardest the few days after they text us. Chances are he didn't get the response he wanted when he contacted you and didn't like that you were no longer pining over him. He's most likely licking his wounds. Be extra gentle with yourself right now. Your friend coming is a great thing because you can throw all of your energy into just being a friend. Think about how much he would hate knowing that you went a day without talking about him, or thinking about him and use that as your fuel. He is not worthy of robbing you of enjoying your time with friends. No man is

[trying2bestrng]

You are right! My friend and I always have a lot of fun. She is an amazing person.

seeing her happy makes me happy. She has had so many relationship struggles and to see her engaged is great. I will take my mind of my ex the best I can.

I admit I'm a wreck most the time. I changed my alert tone on my phone for when my ex contacts me. Just so I dont get excited when any one else texts. I keep think " okay any minute now I'm going to hear his alert tone, yep any minute" days go by and nothing. I need to stop obsessing and just get over it already!!!

 

The funny apart about you saying "licking his wounds" Is that when I called him back he answered the phone like he was just so put out that he had to talk to me. Then when I said throw all my things away and lets be done. His response was " your things will be here when you want it back" why not throw it out? Why did he decide to keep my stuff? I dont understand that...