I think I'm developing an unhealthy view of relationships

[pumpkinmoon]

I have been thinking about this for some time now and decided to post about it.

 

It seems to me that most relationships are just full of nonsense and hassle. I've started wondering what the point of it all is?

 

I've been feeling quite confused lately and I think my idea of relationships is becoming more and more warped, partly due to past relationships and partly due to reading so many posts about problems regarding relationships on this site.

 

I used to look upon a relationship and something nice and fun and all the rest of it, but today it hit me, I am terrified of them. The whole idea is starting to make me feel sick. I have experienced some relationship problems recently that have set me back quite a bit, but I don't think it is just that, it stems from my relationship before that too.

 

My way of thinking just worries me right now and I am worried about potential future relationships.

 

Any thoughts on this?

[penelope13]

What is your idea of a relationship, now?

[Fionnuala]

I know how you feel. Since my first major relationship ended, coupled with being on this site so much, relationships seem so much more difficult than they should be. And the general public's approach to relationships seems so off to me that I'm pretty much terrified to do it again. It's hard, because there are no guarantees that anything will work out and it just seems like getting into another relationship is just setting myself up for more hurt.

 

I guess this wasn't very helpful, just wanted to commiserate. haha

[BeStrongBeHappy]

But the whole point is that relationships are supposed to be supportive and fun and not constant drama.

 

What you see a lot of on this website are people who are trying over and over to hang onto a relationship that is going or gone bad (especially on the getting back together threads) when the two people just don't mesh together. Yes, you can hang on for dear life to a bad relationship, but it won't turn it into a good one and just makes you bitter and exhausted.

 

If there is constant turmoil and unhappiness and stress in a relationship, it usually is a really bad sign that the couple aren't compatible.

 

If someone is ready for a relationship and right for you, then it usually clicks and doesn't descend into constant fights and gameplaying.

 

I think people get burnt out on relationship in general when they try to hang onto a bad thing for too long, rather than accepting that it should not be so hard and so full of conflict, and they are just afraid to let go and be alone for a while, so the keep trudging down the wrong road.

 

Relationships require a lot of negotiation, but if your heart is getting ripped out constantly, that is a sign that you're stuck trying to turn something that just doesn't work into something that does.

 

So the answer is that bad relationships are bad for you, but a good relationship really builds you up and makes you happy, most of the time. You should strive for that, and if you are in a relationship where there is never any progress towards that, it is time to throw in the towel. You can and will find a good relationship, but you can only do so if you quit wasting a lot of time in bad ones. Sometimes you need to just recognize it doesn't work, and free yourself to go find a relationship that does.

[mentee]

If someone is ready for a relationship and right for you, then it usually clicks and doesn't descend into constant fights and gameplaying.

 

a good relationship really builds you up and makes you happy, most of the time

 

I agree with BSBH as usual! (hey BSBH!)

[pumpkinmoon]

What is your idea of a relationship, now?

 

My idea now is that things never work out. I find the concept of a happy couple hard to accept. They just seem so destructive. Even people who have been happy with someone for years, there usually seems to be some bomb that is dropped or there is a huge fall out. I'm just wondering if it is worth it at all.

 

I know how you feel. Since my first major relationship ended, coupled with being on this site so much, relationships seem so much more difficult than they should be. And the general public's approach to relationships seems so off to me that I'm pretty much terrified to do it again. It's hard, because there are no guarantees that anything will work out and it just seems like getting into another relationship is just setting myself up for more hurt.

 

I guess this wasn't very helpful, just wanted to commiserate. haha

 

This is kinda what I mean yeah, thanks for sharing

 

But the whole point is that relationships are supposed to be supportive and fun and not constant drama.

 

What you see a lot of on this website are people who are trying over and over to hang onto a relationship that is going or gone bad (especially on the getting back together threads) when the two people just don't mesh together. Yes, you can hang on for dear life to a bad relationship, but it won't turn it into a good one and just makes you bitter and exhausted.

 

If there is constant turmoil and unhappiness and stress in a relationship, it usually is a really bad sign that the couple aren't compatible.

 

If someone is ready for a relationship and right for you, then it usually clicks and doesn't descend into constant fights and gameplaying.

 

I think people get burnt out on relationship in general when they try to hang onto a bad thing for too long, rather than accepting that it should not be so hard and so full of conflict, and they are just afraid to let go and be alone for a while, so the keep trudging down the wrong road.

 

Relationships require a lot of negotiation, but if your heart is getting ripped out constantly, that is a sign that you're stuck trying to turn something that just doesn't work into something that does.

 

So the answer is that bad relationships are bad for you, but a good relationship really builds you up and makes you happy, most of the time. You should strive for that, and if you are in a relationship where there is never any progress towards that, it is time to throw in the towel. You can and will find a good relationship, but you can only do so if you quit wasting a lot of time in bad ones. Sometimes you need to just recognize it doesn't work, and free yourself to go find a relationship that does.

 

I suppose in a way reading this site doesn't help in some ways. Thing is, I had a good relationship. My first relationship was amazing. We were together for almost 7 years then I find out he is cheating and had been for a whole year. Granted I did cheat on him 2 weeks before we broke up (not sex) but that was because something in me knew the relationship was dead. i don't know how I knew that, was just a feeling. But as I was saying, that relationship was amazing in so many ways, and it ended, I just don't understand why really. I have been thinking a lot about this relationship lately and how it ended and it bothers me.

 

I am also worried about having a relationship that is good. I am worried that because of what I am/how I have come to think from past experiences that I will subconciously sabotage the relationship.

[penelope13]

Yes, I still believe it's worth it, even after being on ENA and reading again and again how it hasn't worked out.

 

The point is: the longer a relationship lasts, the more unlikely it is that it will be perfect and lovy dovy all the time, because it will become hard work to maintain it and keep it going after the honeymoon is over. The difficult part is finding someone who is willing to put in as much work as you are, just because they want to make it work with you. But once you find that someone, I still believe it will be the most incredible thing you can do as a human being: sharing all the ups and downs of life with someone.

 

Yes it's difficult to find that someone, and yes most of us get hurt along the way, but if you want to win the sweepstake, you have to buy a ticket

[pumpkinmoon]

It's not that I am not willing to put work in and worried about the honeymoon period coming to an end, it is the whole of the relationship in general. Right now I just can't imagine feeling secure or happy in any relationship, good or bad. I don't know what is wrong with me

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I must say that one sign that a relationship is a bad relationship, is when you're in it and start thinking all relationships are bad... that means your relationship is SO bad you've lost all hope.

 

But really, the heart is infinitely renewable if you try to take care of it by getting out of bad relationships and nurturing good ones.

 

Perhaps your prior good relationship didn't work out due to timing... were you young when you met? lots of people just grow up and apart.

 

You need to find a relationship like that good one, but when the timing is right to get serious and stick with it.

 

You just need perspective... Many relationships end up in happy marriages. And sometimes even if the marriage didn't last forever, it doesn't mean it was a waste of time. Most people have several bad relationships (from which they learn something) and make them more ready to recognize a good relationship when you see one.

 

I just think you're burnt out now because you relationship has been on and off and full of conflict for a long long time. After a while it becomes like trying to wrestle a crocodile in deep water, and you have to stop and wonder about why are are continuing to do so, exhausting yourself for no reason. Let go of the crocodile, swim for shore and rest up for a while, and you will be fine once you've had a chance to recover.

[penelope13]

There is nothing wrong with you. You are just apprehensive after what you experienced.

 

Do you think that you subconsciously knew already for a longer time that he was cheating on you, but that you didn't want to really see it?

 

Don't you think the relationship ended because you found out that he cheated on you?

[Casey13]

Remember for every person that writes something bad about their relationship on this site there are at least 10,000 that dont. What you see here are only those seeking help for their problems so youre not exactly going to have people sign up here to share with everyone how nice of a time they are having with ther SO.

[pumpkinmoon]

We were 18 when we met so pretty young yeah. I always wondered what really happened. It didn't feel like we grew apart, but I think you are right when you say it may have been the timing. I am sure there are happyily married people out there. I'm just having a hard time believing that anyone in a relationship can be happy. It just doesn't seem to register. All of my life I knew I eventually wanted to get married and have children. Now I don't even want that. My view on that changed a while ago and the thought of getting married turns my stomach and I no longer want children. I just feel like I don't want anything at all anymore.

[pumpkinmoon]

There is nothing wrong with you. You are just apprehensive after what you experienced.

 

Do you think that you subconsciously knew already for a longer time that he was cheating on you, but that you didn't want to really see it?

 

Don't you think the relationship ended because you found out that he cheated on you?

 

 

I do think that subconciously I knew something was going on. I was getting calls and texts from a number I didn't know telling me he was cheating, asked him and he denied it and me like an idiot believed him. Then the girl he was actually cheating with started calling and texting, it was her who actually told me about it all. She knew everything about me, even my clothes size, and that is no joke. He still denied it after we broke up. I did notice though that he was texting a lot more that he usually did.

 

I think, before I found out he was cheating we were going through a bit of a rough patch but nothing that couldn't have been sorted maybe, I don't know.

[pumpkinmoon]

Remember for every person that writes something bad about their relationship on this site there are at least 10,000 that dont. What you see here are only those seeking help for their problems so youre not exactly going to have people sign up here to share with everyone how nice of a time they are having with ther SO.

 

Thank you. That was good to read.

[90_hour_sleep]

Remember for every person that writes something bad about their relationship on this site there are at least 10,000 that dont. What you see here are only those seeking help for their problems so youre not exactly going to have people sign up here to share with everyone how nice of a time they are having with ther SO.

 

someone should start a thread based on all the good things that have come from his/her relationships.

[sbux_addict]

I used to be like you. I mean, seriously used to have the same view on relationships as you. Ok, granted I never had a bf who cheated on me, but I've had my share of bad relationships - from someone who said i love you just to get into my pants, to dating a guy who took me for granted and made me feel unappreciated; dating someone who was 30 years my senior; dating someone casually, no strings attached; then having a fbuddy...all of them reflect my cynicism and apprehension on relationships in general. There was a point in my life where I told myself that it would be nice to get married, but if I never get married, I would be ok with it too. I've always wanted kids so if I never found a partner, I would either adopt or go through artificial insemination. I was biter, cynical and utterly jaded.

 

Then you know what? I met my bf now. Ok, sure, it's only been 3 months, but I've never had a relationship that started this way. Where everything is just so happy and good, no drama, no complications. It's a healthy relationship, and a happy one at that. And you know, I even think that if we last for a year, I can get married to him, if he proposes. Crazy, huh? I went from someone who was really cynical about relationships to someone who can now see myself down the aisle. I recognize that this is a good relationship and I am trying my best to change my old ways to make it work. I know that there are still things I need to work on myself, like getting used to disappointments. And sometimes little disappointments push me to the point of wanting to break up...but I realize that it's the old cynic in me that's coming back, and then I just try to change my ways. I got a good relationship and I'm not going to let that go.

 

So I would say, I've been through the phase you're going through. But the thing is, you have to use this time to really heal and work on yourself. Granted, it's an on-going process, but there is hope, trust me. And once you reach that point, it would be the best thing that would ever happen to you!