First meeting since break up - I need help and advice...

[LostinVan]

Hi Folks.

 

As an intro, my plight is detailed here.

 

link removed

 

It's been almost 4 days now since I last saw my ex, since I read her letter. My problem is I did all the things that you shouldn't do, but do anyway (beg, cry, leave voice mail, IM and text message saying please, let's talk), etc etc. I've been reading the forums religiously since Thursday, and since my last text message in the AM this morning ("can we go for lunch or some public place to sort out some details and talk for a short time"), I haven't text messaged her or tried contact.

 

Late this afternoon, she text messaged me: "I will talk to you on Monday". I didn't respond.

 

Here's some additional back story. She works from home... our home where I am currently staying - I work from home as well most of the time. She's a teacher, and there's a separate building where she teaches. She also has most of her teaching stuff (not to mention clothes, personal belongings, etc) here in the house - I am guessing that she didn't leave with much last Thursday. (I haven't pried into her closet and clothes drawers to check things out, but it doesn't look like much is gone).

 

She was able to take a few days off and cancel teaching (thus avoiding our house), but she will have to get back into it soon. Hence (I'm guessing), the "talk to you Monday" thing when she knows she'll have to come back here.

 

I am determined, after about 12 hours of soul searching today, to follow The Morigan's helpful advice here: link removed

 

- no contact, give her something to want to take back. I do want her back, but I want my self-esteem especially since I have another life crisis to deal with (my Mom's battle with cancer coming to an end soon).

 

But I have a problem... the "talk" on Monday. We *do* need to talk since the "leave" was so abrupt. The situation with my Mom is very near ending (see the initial posting I made). We have household things to discuss. We have bills and money issues to discuss (nothing contentious, but she was the daily "accountant" for two of my jobs - I don't know how to handle the paperwork, or where to find it at the moment). We have our three dogs to discuss. We have living arrangements to discuss (she has family here, all my family is back east - she's staying with her Mom right now, I'm in our house).

 

And underlying it all, I want to get back together with her more than anything.

 

I've run through dozens of scenarios in my mind as to how to go through with the "talk" on Monday. Some involve begging. Some involve incorporating some of The Morrigan's advice. Some are nasty.

 

One particular scenario involves third parties - it just so happens that a couple of women I know online in my business are in town on Monday and they've asked me to go out with them for the afternoon and show a few places that we all have a mutual interest in. One scenario had me being standoffish with my ex (which would be a 180 from how I've been since reading her letter and finding her gone), and then saying at some point "well, I have to go now - I am meeting with an out of town friend (note the singular) and I have to pick her up". This would say to my ex "hey, he has a life outside of me, and another woman is involved". Maybe. But I've never given her cause to be jealous before in almost our entire relationship, so I don't think this would work, and to be honest, I don't feel comfortable playing that game.

 

Here's what I would like - and why I'm posting here. I really need some advice on how to handle this "initial talk" after the breakup.

 

Should I stick to business? Should I put out feelers to see if she's having regrets? Should I try to control things and keep control of the convo? (nb - one reason she left me - she felt I had no respect for her and tried to control her too much at times).

 

Someone, help, please!

 

LostinVan...

[pesty]

I think you know what you should do, so be strong and

follow through. We often want what we can't have so I would keep this is mind if you really want her back. And I have to say Kudos to you for not wanting to play the "Oh I have to go meet a someone, a woman" card.

Good luck!

[LostinVan]

Hi Pesty. Thanks for the words and advice. I don't think I will play the "oh seeing another person, a woman" card...

 

But I really don't know what to say or how to handle tomorrow. I'm really desparate for some advice here...

 

LostinVan...

[GeeCee]

Hi

 

I can only give my opinion. I agree - it is not wise to play the 'seeing someone else' game. This is too serious a situation, and that is a dangerous game.

 

Personally, I would try and keep the talk on as neutral ground as possible. Explain that you have to discuss the paperwork, because you simply do not know where anything is. She might want to know about your mum's health, and I would give that information, but don't use this as emotional blackmail.

 

I would tell her how you feel, but definitely refrain from begging. For exmaple, tell her that you have missed her. You want to work things out, but you understand that she needed some space.

 

Most of all, I would listen and not dominate the conversation. If she has suggested, in the past, that you are controlling, I would let her lead the conversation and follow.

 

Watch her body-language, and if she appears uncomfortable with a topic of conversation, respect that.

 

Try your best to remain calm and in control of your emotions. Of course, this is going to be incredibly difficult.

 

Good luck.

 

G xx