dhjjessel Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 I spent a long time after breaking up with my first love trying to work out what i did wrong, and trying to find a fault somewhere. All I saw was me doing everything I could to do the right thing; to make her happy; to bring her joy. Only now do i realise that I was not always acting in her best interest. Whenever we were having a problem, or i felt insecure about the relationship, i appealed to my friends for advice, and without any evil intent, the impression i left them with was that she was doing me wrong; that she was being horrible. That did not give me any pleasure, but still i let it happen. If i really loved her, I would have allowed myself to suffer in silence and protect her relationships with her friends by keeping my worries to myself. Instead, i caused some of my best friends to dislike her without even really knowing her, purely from talking about her behaviour to them when i didnt understand it. It has been a valuable lesson. Maybe i am not as good a person as i thought. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 You'll be an even better person for learning all this. Link to comment
volpe Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 i disagree. you **need** to talk to someone about what you are going through. don't ever think you have to keep it to yourself. your relationship ended because it was supposed to, not because you did anything wrong. in terms of talking to friends, i just don't talk to all of them but will select one or two and not necessarily reveal unnecessary details. but you absolutely need to talk to people to help you see the person objectively. no your friends are going to be biased in your favor usually, but... still... it doesn't mean you are not a good person. what you did was totally natural. Link to comment
1MoreChance Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 you are human. when you talked to her friends (which I take were mutual friends of hers and yours), you probably felt wronged and needed to talk and to be validated. Now you know better than to take your problems outside the relationship to mutual friends or family (to me that's part of growing up). If they are mature enough, they should not jump to conclusions about her and judge her now. forgive yourslef. Link to comment
volpe Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 it doesn't sound like mutual friends, it is his own friends! Link to comment
TheFlash Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 Its all a learning experience, don't worry, that doesn't make you a bad person... Good friends too realize they are pretty much only going to hear the bad, its not like you have a great night with her and just have to run and tell your friends, its when you have that bad night you need to talk about it... Link to comment
1MoreChance Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 it doesn't sound like mutual friends, it is his own friends! "If i really loved her, I would have allowed myself to suffer in silence and protect her relationships with her friends by keeping my worries to myself. Instead, i caused some of my best friends to dislike her without even really knowing her, purely from talking about her behaviour to them when i didnt understand it. It has been a valuable lesson." It's not so clear, he talks about protecting her relationships with her frineds, then about his own best friends... anyway I think that when you complain to a third party a lot about your relationship, it's a pretty immature behavior and I understand his remorse about affecting her image to them. it sound slike he did a lot of this to seek relase (which I do understand), and now he is feeling guilty. My opinion is that when we do this a lot it solves very little, and that we need to address the issues within our relationship with our partner. Perhaps he was very disatisfied with his partner with good reason, but now still feels guilt. I think he should ease on the guilt, learn his lessons and move on. Link to comment
dhjjessel Posted March 7, 2009 Author Share Posted March 7, 2009 it was very much our mutual friends. yes, its only when something goes wrong that I feel the need to talk about it, but that's just it. If I could have been satisfied by her reasons for whatever it was that was going wrong, I wouldnt have needed to talk about it, but I was insecure, so i talked to everyone. We share almost all the same friends. As a result, it made her look bad in their eyes, and all the worse because I would not feel the need to hide from her what they had said about her. I wasnt trying to cause any hurt, I just wasnt satisfied by her explanation of herself, so sought advice from other people to try and understand her, and when they told me she was doing something wrong, I didnt hide their comments from her. I didnt realise what i was doing Link to comment
1MoreChance Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 Yes it sounds like you acted out of insecurity. All you can do is learn from it, apologize to her, and make wrongs right by talking to those mutual frinds and explaining the situation to them, that you acted out of insecurity and that she is a good person, that you have your share of responsibility in creating the conflicts in the relationhip and that you want themn to not think badly about her. Link to comment
dhjjessel Posted March 7, 2009 Author Share Posted March 7, 2009 i tried to write an email to all the people i thought should hear that i acted out of insecurity and not to think badly of her from what i said, but I realised that my friends do not make their opinion about her based solely on my reactions, and they would not change their opinion about her just because i ask them to, and it might make them dislike her more through sympathising with me at still being completely screwed up over her, to the point that I have to write some profound email to everyone Link to comment
1MoreChance Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 i tried to write an email to all the people i thought should hear that i acted out of insecurity and not to think badly of her from what i said, but I realised that my friends do not make their opinion about her based solely on my reactions, and they would not change their opinion about her just because i ask them to, and it might make them dislike her more through sympathising with me at still being completely screwed up over her, to the point that I have to write some profound email to everyone Well you tried and your friends now need to make their own opinons. I'm sure they should have better things to do than to hold on to hateful feelings toward your ex or dwell on the past and what was said to them about her. I don't know what she did and how come you are now so screwed up, but you now need to take responsibility for your healing and let the past be the past take care. Link to comment
dhjjessel Posted March 7, 2009 Author Share Posted March 7, 2009 i let my entire happiness depend on being with her, so that when she decided she didnt want a relationship with me, my life sort of imploded Link to comment
1MoreChance Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 i let my entire happiness depend on being with her, so that when she decided she didnt want a relationship with me, my life sort of imploded your hapiness has to come from within, and then you can share it with somebody else. no one can MAKE you happy and it must have been overwhelming for her. try to become your own best friend now. Link to comment
WomanWriter Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 I think it's a lesson we learn the hard way. Like you, I would only share my side of the story when discussing my relationships but found that when it came down to it, it was unfair to the people I was talking about.] On the other hand, we DO need to vent to someone or somewhere. What helps me is writing in my blog or posting stuff on here. That way I can be as biased as I want (for venting purposes) but my family and friends don't need to build up an impression of someone that they don't deserve. My suggestion is to find a new venitng outlet. Talk to someone trustworthy who is removed from the situation (a therapist, priest, an older friend who has nothing to do with your partner, someone at work, etc.). That way you can get out your feelings but not at the expense at ruining your partner's good name. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 I agree with you that it's smart to use discretion when selecting people in whom to confide relationship troubles. For instance, complaining about a lover to a family member could land you in hell on earth when trying to get your family to accept this person as your spouse someday. It's also true that mutual friends should remain unburdened. The term 'mutual' includes couples, even if you're closer to one partner and your SO is closer to the other. You don't want to position partners to keep secrets from one another given that their division in loyalties could harm both them and you. However, selecting certain people in your life to whom you confide your secrets is a good thing. Their role is one of always considering your best interests above others in your life--and so they shouldn't be expected to form intimacies beyond acquaintance with your SO or your mother or your boss or anyone else you want to discuss. We all need to learn this stuff by trial and error. It's what schoolyard fights and bar room brawls and church infighting and PTA politics and are made of. We live and learn, so no need to beat yourself up. You've learned something important. In your corner. Link to comment
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