Dating my friend's ex?? PLEASE HELP!!

[GodsLittleBaby]

I go to church and I'm really involved with my youth group. Well, about three and a half years ago, I met this girl named Andrea there and we became best friends. Neither one of us had ever had a boyfriend before. Well, right before we started our junior year, we got lucky, I guess you could say. There were two guys at church - she liked Derek, and I liked Tyler. As luck would have it, they liked us, too. Well, the four of us hung out a lot. Everyone at church saw us as "together." Like I said, I'd never had a boyfriend before, and so I was inexperienced and kind of shy. I talked to her guy, Derek, a lot. He and I had gotten to be really good friends and we talked more than me and Tyler did.

 

On October 5 of 2002, they took us out on this big surprise day. We went to lunch and to the park and eventually back to Tyler's house where the two of them had a little candlelight dinner table all set up. We waited downstairs while they made us dinner (chicken parmesan). After dinner, they took us ice skating and then we went to the park and Tyler and I sat in one place and Andrea and Derek sat in another place. Well, the guys asked us out, and we were all excited and everything. A month later, we all went on a weekend retreat with church, and Andrea broke up with Derek and I broke up with Tyler. It was bad. Andrea and Derek never really acted like they broke up, and in February, they started going out again. She never really paid much attention to me the whole time.

 

I got back together with Tyler in June, then we broke up at a church conference in July. Derek was there to comfort me. After the evening session, I was in tears, and the second that it ended and we were told to stand up and go outside to meet with our youth groups, Derek stood and pulled me in for a hug. I just cried and he held me. Andrea just stood there. Derek cried because I was crying. After a couple of minutes, Andrea pulled him away from me and yelled at him for hugging me like that. Throughout their entire relationship, Derek and I weren't allowed to call each other or talk by ourselves. She didn't want it.

 

Tyler and I started going out again a while later, but broke up several months later because him being five hours away at college proved to be too much. Andrea and I had drifted apart and I went through a lot of things, including depression and I even began cutting my wrists. I was never happy. She never noticed. Derek did, though. He would ask me how I was doing and everything. He helped me a lot.

 

In December of last year, Andrea broke up with Derek. They didn't have much in common, and it took her 14 months to realize that, although many other people saw it all along. She's sensitive, he's sarcastic… she tells her mom EVERYTHING… her mom controlled their relationship, basically. She told him when she could start dating him, when she could hold his hand, and when she could kiss him. Actually, their first kiss happened without her mom's permission, and she called her mom right away crying and told her what had happened. They never kissed more than a peck.

 

Sorry this is so long, but I wanted the readers to understand all the background so you'd know how hard this is for me… Okay, so Derek and I talked a lot and we started hanging out. We got to be even better friends than we had been already. I started liking him – I think a part of me always did like him. People had always said that Derek and I had a lot in common and that we'd work better than him and Andrea… I NEVER thought I'd ever have a chance with him. I told him that I liked him, though, and surprisingly, he felt the same. We kept hanging out, and we'd hold hands while watching a movie or riding in the car – never in public, though. Two weeks ago, he kissed me – really kissed me. I was shocked. Well, we went on our first official date last weekend, and we're practically going out, but I don't know… Andrea knows that we like each other, but she doesn't know that we're dating. What should I do??? Is it wrong of me to pursue a relationship with him?

[mysteryman]

theres nothing wrong with it... you cant help when love pulls a sneak attack on you

and dont let ur friend derail ur train of love

yet try not to argue with her

[winkie]

I do not think there is anything wrong with you dating your friends ex. Sometimes things work out in weird ways. He may have always liked you from the way you described. He really seems like a great guy and you will be kicking yourself for not doing this. I kind of think that maybe she dated (your friend) derek so that you wouldn't. Sometimes people are weird like that. I do not think it is a big deal to date your friends ex as long as it is not always a habit. You may never know he could be the real thing and you cannot let your friend ruin it for you. It seems that has cared about you for a long time. Good lUck and please do not let her guilt you out of it but you do have to tell her.

[GodsLittleBaby]

I'm too scared to tell her, though. I mean, we're not official yet, but we practically are. I have several close friends who are also in our youth group, and they know what is going on, but she doesn't. I know that she will find out, because we're all in the same youth group together, and we're all going to college at the same place (which happens to be where my ex goes now)

 

Bee

[ForAnother]

Yeah, I guess it all works out in weird ways.

 

How to tell her? don't Just hold his hand be with him. Eventually she will get the picture and talk to you. Then you let her know that you like him, and he likes you, and your seeing where it goes from there. If she gets jealous, then proves that she isn't really a friend... Well a jealous inconsiderate friend.

 

I would say rock on.

 

ForAnother

[GodsLittleBaby]

I don't want to hurt her. She already knows that Derek and I like each other; she just doesn't know that we're dating. It kinda bugs me that we're only dating... we act as if we're going out, but he hasn't asked me - we're not. Because of our history, I think I still have trouble believing that he really likes me. I've liked him for so long and it's just hard to believe that he feels the same way. How can I get him to ask me?

[cakes]

This is a touchy issue.

 

If andrea and derek were REALLLY close and had a great relationship that she's not over yet, don't hurt your friend like that. Althought you're not close, it's not appropriate. You might cause more strain on your relationship wiht your old friend and it might make it hard to pursue your new relationship. May be wait til it dies out, her feeilngs for him or what not, and til she's over it, then i'd say it'd be fine.