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Please Help Me Get Rid of My Feelings for Co-Worker.


Devia
I Have Feelings For Someone Else Wh...
I Have Feelings For Someone Else While In a Relationship

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First of all, thanks for taking the time to read my post and I appreciate any advice you can give me. Here's my situation:

 

I am a 23 year old female who works at a video production studio. I have been with this company since January of 2008. There are a total of 5 employees myself included and I am the only female.

 

I have had attraction to one of my co-workers who is 30 ever since day 1. The first six months of working here I was in a long-distance relationship with someone else, and as I am a loyal person I did not ever let my attraction to my co-worker get in the way and I never acted on it. I have been single now for 8 months and during this time my attraction for him has phased in and out because I MADE it phase out since he is my co-worker.

 

However, the last 2 months I have had no control over my emotions for him. My desk is right next to his and I see him 5 days a week. My 3 biggest attractions to a person are eyes, hands, and smile. Every time I make eye contact with his blue eyes I feel dazed. Every time I glance at his hands I think about him touching me. Every time I hear him laugh or see his great smile I can't help but smile too and get a warm feeling inside. I wish I were always the one that made him laugh.

 

I KNOW I sound obsessive, which is why I need your help. In the past, the only way I have been able to get over a person is by getting closure from him or from shutting him out of my life completely. Well, neither are actually possible in this case. In order to do the first one I'd have to tell him how I feel, and assuming he didn't feel the same way the consequences could be quite bad. I'm not talking about getting my feelings hurt(it's happened before - I can take it) but rather him mentioning it to someone else or just making things awkward between us at work. The latter obviously won't work because I have to see him every day so I can't exactly shut him out.

 

How do I get over someone I've never even had?

 

~Devia

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If you get a decent answer to this let me know - exactly the same situation! Frustrating non?! I'm currently going down the ignoring route, which may be a little easier for me as I don't sit next to him.. thank the lord!! It usually lasts a few days and then I'm back in the same position.

However, you may have more courage than me... you're single now, would you ever ask him out or make a point of trying to spend more time with him? Do you think he's attracted to you?

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Wow I could have written that word for word, even down to the blue eyes luckily for me he is married and wants to stay that way, and he doesn't work with me any more, but is still in the same building. I still get the same feelings when he comes over to visit me though. Good luck, I feel your pain!

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Purusha - Ugh, I really don't know if he's interested in me. I am the first female that has ever worked with this company and he was the first employee ever besides the two co-owners so there has never been any rules laid out as far as work relationships goes here. Since he is pretty good friends with one of the co-owners I think that even if he had feelings for me he wouldn't act on it due to risking something going wrong that affects the company if I didn't feel the same way.

 

I really can't tell but maybe you can help. Sometimes all 5 of us go out to lunch together but some days we're all by ourselves, or 2-4 of us going together. I know for a fact that he has gone to lunch with JUST one other employee and they take the full hour. Yesterday, everyone else was doing their own thing so he and I went to go get lunch and when the guy taking his order asked him he responded "to go" and we ate back at the office...

 

So...is this like a big hint that I should take or is he afraid to be alone with me because he DOES like me but is afraid to show it? Or does he just find me annoying...

 

I haven't ever seen him outside of work except for our Christmas party and a formal awards dinner a couple weeks ago so I think asking him to hang out would be pretty forward. However, at the dinner the two co-owners had their wives and the other employee had a date...so us 2 were KINDA like a date, but not really. I wore a nice dress and at one point he asked me to go upstairs and mingle with him. I did and I enjoyed it, and I was like...ARGH! Does he like me?! Man I sound like I'm 12...

 

Aspen - I actually kind of wish he was married because then I wouldn't even try. -_- But no, he's 30 and he's been single since I got hired here(no he's not gay) and I don't know ANYTHING about his past relationships or anything like that. He's so mysterious...which is VERY attractive...because he's actually sensitive and very considerate but he doesn't outwardly show it to everyone.

 

We have a lot in common too - just our job is a huge thing because it's a very niche industry, we like the same movies, both love cats(which is also huge for me both like video games, have a similar sense of humor...but if anything maybe it's the 7 year age difference that stops him too. I'm very mature for my age mentally, but my face looks like I'm 16.

 

Sorry for the long post, maybe it will help you think of advice for me or even help you relate to me and it's nice to know you aren't alone.

 

(hah...guess that's why this is eNotAlone

 

~Devia

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I think you said a lot when you said you didn't know much about his past relationships and he was mysterious...

 

I can't even count the number of times I was attracted to the idea of a person, and the reality didn't end up matching my expectations...

 

I usually ended up learning this the hard way.

 

I am probably the wrong one to give advice about the dating co workers part. I have made my share of mistakes in that area...

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Aspen - I actually kind of wish he was married because then I wouldn't even try. -_- But no, he's 30 and he's been single since I got hired here(no he's not gay) and I don't know ANYTHING about his past relationships or anything like that. He's so mysterious...which is VERY attractive...because he's actually sensitive and very considerate but he doesn't outwardly show it to everyone.

 

I know this isn't exactly "positive" advice, but are you sure? Well to put it another are you sure that you wouldn't have the same dilemma.

 

Say he was married, so you know he's taken and all that so you won't try, but for pathetic suckers like me, even that is not enough to beat the whole crush feeling and I'll still get that fuzzy feeling everytime I see her.

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I know this isn't exactly "positive" advice, but are you sure? Well to put it another are you sure that you wouldn't have the same dilemma.

 

Say he was married, so you know he's taken and all that so you won't try, but for pathetic suckers like me, even that is not enough to beat the whole crush feeling and I'll still get that fuzzy feeling everytime I see her.

 

I can't say that I wouldn't have feelings at all but I am always a person that hopes for the best in someone's marriage and the last thing I would ever want to do is cause problems for a marriage. I am also not too keen on the idea of ever dating someone who has been divorced because, although it may not have been totally his fault, it takes two, ya know? I also don't think I'd ever want to be someone's "second" wife unless he was widowed(even then it would be hard).

 

I guess what I'm saying is that if he were married I may still like him but marriage for me would be a sense of closure, I could fantasize all I want but would tell myself "No, it's NEVER going to happen". The reason why I'm having a problem right now is because I DON'T have closure and the fact that there may be even the slightest possibility that he may feel the same way is driving me crazy...but it's not as simple as just telling him how I feel so I don't really have a choice but to sit here every day and deal with it.

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I think you said a lot when you said you didn't know much about his past relationships and he was mysterious...

 

I can't even count the number of times I was attracted to the idea of a person, and the reality didn't end up matching my expectations...

 

I usually ended up learning this the hard way.

 

I am probably the wrong one to give advice about the dating co workers part. I have made my share of mistakes in that area...

 

This is very interesting. Would you mind elaborating a little? Are you saying that because he doesn't talk about his past relationships that he could be some kind of serial killer or something? It's not like relationships are something a bunch of guys and 1 girl talk about at work a lot but there have been times when I think everyone in the office except him have said something like "This girl I dated once..." etc.

 

It's not something I could ask him about without being blatantly obvious but it's definitely something I would find out asap if there WAS ever anything between us. Maybe he's been hurt in the past and is reluctant to open up to anyone? Someone might say maybe he just doesn't want to have a relationship, but that's not the case because I have occasionally heard him say things like "If I am married someday..." etc.

 

So...I'm at a loss with what to do.

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Hell with it. Ask him to play a game (I suggest the video game thing, it's more interactive) or see a movie with you. If he's as wonderful as you say he is, he'll get the hint. Develop the rules and regulations necessary in you need to. If nothing happens, at least you can say you tried.

 

Do you play competitive video games? Even if you don't, choose one you know he likes and let him cream you or whatever. It'll make things more obvious.

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I love the bit about you feeling like you are 12 I SO know what you mean I feel ridiculously pathetic somedays, that I shouldn't be feeling like this at my age, but I can't help it.

 

I think you should just go for it, you are both single, it does sound like he likes you, worst thing that can happen is he can say no, which will make it tough at work I guess, unless you can accept it gracefully and try not to let it worry you (not easy I know). Imagine how you will feel when he comes in one day and tells you about this amazing woman he has met somewhere else, just because you left it too late to tell him how you feel? Go for it, good luck!

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I think you should go for it.Before you do,maybe you should try to get a better idea if he is indeed interested.Nothing he has done so far gave me any real strong indication that he is interested.He might not be mentioning past relationships if he happens to be shy and perhaps his dates are few and far between and it is embarrassing for him.

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Lol, no I didn't mean to imply that I think he's a serial killer. All I meant was that if you don't know that much about him it's easy to "fill in the blanks" with your imagination and make him out to be better than he is. If you are interested in him just relax and spend some time getting to know him. Look at it as objectively as possible (I know, easier said than done) and don't settle. If it turns out he is great it's probably worth the risk, if he's not as great as you have him pegged, or he's a serial killer or something I would decide against moving things forward...

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  • 11 months later...

Almost a year lapsed, have you found a solution to your problem? I am now in the same situation and it would be interesting to know.

 

The only difference in my case is, that I was must have been so full of feelings that accidently, I stared into his eyes just a moment too long after we talked and he returned me such a disgusted or appalled look that everything should be clear. Strangly, however, before this, he was very nice to me and intensely gazed into my eyes during our conversation without looking away as you normally do in a conversation. This made me believe, he was flirting with me and finally led to this éclat. Well, his behaviour is rather * * * * * y and now

 

So, in your case, I suggest it would be the best to try to establish longer eye contact. If he looks away or is appalled, you know he does not feel for you. It might be awkward but it will be forgotten soon if you don't repeat it.

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i don't think dating co-workers is always right, but there is risk in all things. it doesn't mean it can never work.

 

Ask him out to lunch, or ask him for his Facebook name. Get to know him better, and go out after work sometime, or on a weekend.

 

Be careful of gossip though, which is one reason why work relationships are not always advisable.

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