whats the poin? I dont see one anymore...

[Drekono]

What's the point? Even as i write this i feel like there is no point to it. There's no good reason to keep going, but i tell myself just hang on. Just hold on a little longer and something will change, something always changes for the better and one of these times is will stay better. Telling myself i can get through this, its no big deal, next year will be a new beginning and a chance to change. A chance to start over.

 

I've been holding on for years now. Holding on and just dealing with life. Dealing with the depression, dealing with the mood swings, dealing with the cutting, dealing with the substance abuse, dealing with the * * * * ty jobs, dealing with the pressure, dealing with the fake friends, dealing with the ADHD, just dealing with one thing after another. I'm tired of just dealing,tired of nothing getting better, and tired of it never ending. I don't want to just deal with my life. Whats the point when in the end everything just goes bad.

 

no matter what i do things only get worse and i only become a bigger and bigger disapointment to those around me. I've tried to be positive and tell myself to just keep moving forward. you cant expect life to change for you, you have to do it yourself. in school i joined multiple sports teams and clubs, i was even team captain a couple times. during my summers and after school i've taken on many different jobs from landscaping to cooking to construction plumbing. i received mostly A's all my classes and I took my senior high school classes in a college program. Ive built and burned many bridges with friends and have tried whole heartedly with girlfriends only to be hurt and turn out worse then before. But everything always felt so empty. like i was just going through the motions and doing what i had to do. i felt so alone and depressed but i wouldnt let myself admit i was depressed. i thought i had no right to be depressed when there are thousands of people out there worse of then I. Quitting wasnt an option and failing wasnt accepted. something drilled into me by a mother i both love and hate more then life itself.

 

All through school i just pushed through. telling myself its greener the other side. Whenever i got a job i would always be so excited at first. ready to meet new people and feel like like I was apart of something and belonged somewhere. i would work so hard and be the best and whatever i was doing i would be happy for awhile but it never lasted. jobs would become as empty as the rest of my life to me. i would become a mindless working drone.

 

When i got the chance to take my senior highschool year at college it felt like a restart for me. i left everything behind, which wasnt very much, for a new start and wanted to work hard and do good. Meet new people and make some true friends, but very soon into the first semester i realized it didnt feel any different. still alone, i feel so very very alone.

 

When college came around i was so thankful. i thought it would be another restart but a real one this time. Not only would i be going to a different school but be living in a different area with completely new people. i could try harder at everything and become a new person. But things only got worse. Friends still feel fake and im feeling the same emptiness as always. I started drinking more heavily and started smoking weed after quiting it 5 months earlier.

 

Its now the second semester of my freshman year college and im more depressed then ever. i quit drinking 3 months ago and havent had a drop since. i thought that would help but it didnt. I still smoke because its the only way i can feel better. Im failing all my classes miserably because i just have no urge to go on. "its all so pointless" rings in my mind over and over and i cant motivate myself to do anything. I can barely get outa bed most days and every task seems like too much. every time i try to sit down and do my hw i just get the feeling why bother? and cant bring myself to do it. I resorted to copying just to skim by. just trying to make it through the each day. the same is true for anything i use to do for fun. videogames, working out, recreational sports, reading books. All the things i would do to keep my mind off bad things and keep moving forward just dont work anymore. oh how i use to love reading escpecially. i would read 400 pages a night at one point. Finish a serios of novels in no time. but now i cant even get myself to read at all. i cant get myself to do ANYTHING.

 

The mood swings are getting worse, one second ill be content in what im doing and the next im just.... agitated. I feel like i just wanna shut down and close myself off from the world. im short with everyone around me when i get like this. i can even tell when its happening but i just cant help but feeling that way. I just want to be left alone to an extreme where if someone even asks me a simple question, like how im doing, i get infuriated at being bother. but i hold it in. i hold it in so tight and try so hard to not be outright mean to the people im trying so hard to connect with. but i know what i come off as. COLD. And im just pushing everyone further and further away from me.

 

the emptyness is getting worse too. Ill be siting there watching tv and i'll be watching my favorite shows, shows i should be laughing at but i feel nothing. A joke happens or something funny happens and feel like i should of laughed but i didnt... because i just didnt feel anything. the only thing im feeling lately is lonely and sad. I started cuting myself again just to feel the pain and its getting worse and worse.

 

im spending more and more time alone because spending time with people just seems exhausting. im just too exhausted to do anything with anybody. i dont even bother eating or sleeping half the time. i walk from class to my room to class like a zombie. when i cross the road i dont bother to look. i just wish someone would run me over. i want it so badly. a way out that would not put the shame of a suicide apon my family. hell they might even get a settlement out of it. something more then i could ever give them.

 

Im getting so stressed out at how my life is falling apart. at how my last chance for happiness is slipping away. i just dont have it in me to do much more. No matter what i do in my life it all feels like a pointless waste of time that will end in misery. No matter how many people i meet and friends i make they all feel fake. i still feel alone and eventually they leave or i push them away with my mood swings or some other thing that's wrong with me like the Adhd im more the positive i have. Im running out of options. whats left besides college? just endless working to cover bills for things i dont want.

 

everything always ends in sadness. No matter what form it's in happiness doesnt last forever and more bad things come. is life just making it through each miserably day for those few fleeting moments of happyness here and there. everything comes to an end. All friends will leave eventually, all relationships crash and burn, and plans fall apart, no jobs last forever, and eventually everyone will die. Im an athiest so i believe there is nothing after death. i find it comforting to believe that life itself isnt just a test but at the same time all that much more depressing. this is it... this is all there is... just the miserable few years we waste on this earth building up fortunes or false illusion of power and happiness. eventually we all die and eventually we are all lost from history. oh yes maybe for a few years we'll be remembered by those closest to us but eventually they too will die too. I envy those with faith. ive tried so hard to believe in something... anything, but i just dont.

 

A couple days ago i decided it really wasnt worth it anymore. i decided to kill myself. i was the scariest feeling in the world. I wasnt scared of dieing, i was scared that i had finally decided and even more scared at how i felt. i felt... good. i felt relieved like a 1000 pounds have been lifted off my soulders. it felt so amazing, like an end was finally in sight and i could relax. i slept better then i had in months. i had chosen last night as the night to do it and i started cutting but i couldnt go through with it.

 

i couldnt go through with it because of my family. even though i have never been really close with anyone in my family they are still all i have. i just couldnt put them through that pain.

 

so here i am... spinning deeper and deeper. I have given up on the future... i really just dont care anymore. They only reason im living is out of guilt. the only thing that will make me happy will hurt everyone else around me. The only way i can be happy is to be selfish enough to take my own life. how can i be happy when my reason for living is guilt? how could my life possibly get better when the only reason im living is because i feel guilty.

 

i feel so alone, like i have nobody to turn to. i cant turn to the family im living for because they wont believe me. they wouldnt understand why i would want take my life. they would not only be angry with me but disappointed im me they will just think its a cry for attention. i cant turn to prescription medication because i have no money and getting another job only seems like it will further my problems for school. if i turn to a school therapist or anyone from my family i know im going to have to leave school. they will see this as a recent development no matter what i say and everything is because of school. but dropping outa school or failing out would both be just as bad as killing myself. i can honestly say i believe either would cause my family to be just as disappointed with me, and at the moment i dont see passing this semester as even possible, i will loose my loans and scholarships and i WILL leave school. so whats the point in living in misery when im only going to disappoint everyone anyways? why not get it over with?

 

Now that im done ranting please please please someone help me. i just want help. i dont want to feel like this anymore and i know its only going to get worse. what can i do? what kind of things can i try? im grasphing at straws here, taking it day by day, but everything i try fails. IM TIRED OF JUST DEALING WITH LIFE. i dont want to just deal anymore, the stress is getting to me and im only seeing one way out.

[coolgirl]

Are you seeking professional help?

[Drekono]

no im not, i just dont think i can open up to stranger. besides that the only professional help i could afford would be the school counselor and thatll be a sure way for me to not be able to finish school

[coolgirl]

Do you have health insurance? Well its not about opening up to a stranger you need to talk to someone and school counselor is nor what professional. You do need professional help reason being is that I'm going through the same pain your going through and i'm not to happy with my Psychologist either. This is something serious your dealing with. I wanted to admit myself to the hospital today because I was going out of my mind and was fixing to have a nervous breakdown and i'm sure you dont want that happen to you do you? If you have health insurance try see whom you can find and get the first appointment. I'm seeking help I wasn't comfortable talking with them either but the first session you go to they just try to take your basic information. So there is nothing to be afraid of. They are there to help you.

[CaseOfInsanity]

Wow man that doesn't sound very good.

 

I'm like in a similar position and right now I'm so looking forward to going to live in a college dorm for my first year next monday.

 

Did you join any club activities at college? If so, did it help you in any way?

 

What about activities you can do at the gym? I was looking at dancing and martial arts classes and I thought it would be a good way to make genuine friends.

[suurishoujo]

I really know what you're going through. I feel the same way. Last semester I dropped to all but one class because I couldn't take it anymore. I just couldn't bring myself to care about school. i have one person at school who i could call a "friend" and she ignores me. Apart from her, everyone else at my college ignores me as well. I think they find me cold, aloof, whatever. Maybe I am. It's because just stepping foot on the school grounds makes me want to run. When I'm there, all I can think of is getting back to my apartment so I can be alone. When I'm in my apt, all I can think of is how lonely and miserable I am, and that I just can't force myself to care anymore.

 

I had made an appt with a shrink to get on some antidepressants or something. My school's so big it took over a month to get an appointment. I ended up canceling because my mom had our three dogs put to sleep the day before my birthday, and I just didnt feel like going after that. I didn't feel like doing anything, but I was depressed even before that.

 

Right now I'm stuck taking classes I don't want to take. My GPA's fine, and my homework grades are great, but I just can't bring myself to study for tests. I don't CARE enough. I'm terrified to graduate in summer because it means trying to cope in the real world, and I can't see myself doing that. I remember I time I WAS happy, when I had friends back in WA state. We could hang out anywhere in the small town we lived in, and it felt like we could do anything. Now I don't feel like I can do a thing, all alone here in Texas. I HATE it here, but I'm trapped since I'll be 20k in debt when I graduate.

 

I don't believe in a god either. I've thought about the idea a lot, and I just can't find any way to make sense out of it, especially christianity. Too many fact holes and contradictions. I think a lot about the fact that I'm going to die someday, and then it'll be all over. i wonder what the difference would be if I died now, or later, since it seems all the same to me. i've just been suffering all this time. my allergies are horrible (skin breaks out in welts from mold, and my eyes always have big dark circles around them) and never goes away because this is TEXAS, my back's crooked and sore all the time, i'm always tired, and the only thing that makes me feel even slightly better is food, so i feel fat and horrible because i dont eat well. plus i'm poor, and my mom's always too busy working to talk to me, and she's not always all there either because she's in pain all the time.

 

i used to love reading, playing video games, exercising, hiking and just being out in nature, spending time with my pets, and more than anything talking to interesting people (who are few and far between around here; everyone just parties and drinks and has mommy and daddy pay their way through school). i dont get any enjoyment out of any of that anymore, i cant have pets here in this miserable, falling-apart apartment, and i'm allergic to everything here in texas so i can't go outside. everything's just crap.

 

anyway, i'm sorry for rambling on about my problems, but i'm just trying to say you're not alone in feeling this way. just keep reaching out. the more interesting people are on the internet anyway. i guess that's why i'm on here. also, even if you can just get Cs along the way, get your degree. i think a lot of what's weighing on me is just the sheer fact that all i've ever done for my 22 years is be in school. it has to end sometime!! if we can just hang on for a little longer, we can have that stupid piece of paper that somehow means so much. once we have some financial freedom, maybe we can be able to enjoy the things that used to mean so much. maybe when we're not dealing with school all the time, we'll be able to think up ways to meet interesting people we can really click with. they're out there somewhere...

 

anyway, sorry again for rambling. i'm here to talk if you want...

[silver_wasp]

*whew*

 

Ok, please bear with me for a moment...

 

I promise you that collage isn't everything. I promise you that honor to you're parents isn't everything. You are about to end you're life here! There are ways to get back to collage! There is NO way to get back to life! If you think putting collage on hold is a dishonor, Suicide is the worst possible outcome. I think the best thing you can do is to tell someone! It isn't the end of the world to feel this way, but commit suicide is quite literally the end of your world. And not only you're world but many peoples worlds. Did you know on average, for every one completed suicide, there are 25 attempted suicides! Many of which could be fatal!

 

You say "there is no one to turn to," You "won't open up to a stranger," Well usually the stranger is who you need to turn to. A school counselor would be ideal. Everything is confidential between them. Ask for advice. There is WAY too much pain in life to go it alone! Imagine that every human being is required to carry 10 pounds of pain to stay down to earth, that is a healthy amount. But the issue arises if people give you some of their pain or you get too much somehow and you don't relive yours. It sounds like you've had the pain of 25 people on you! That's 240 pounds extra! That would make anyone not want to live! Why not let the pain go? People have jobs to relive pain, and they have the ability to not take yours for themselves! It's a win win.

 

Please, I beg you... Just tell someone how bad it feels. Don't hold back. A forum can only give you advice. A person can save your life!

[Drekono]

Hey im still hanging in there for some reason .... *sighs*. Sorry i didnt respond but im Back to my normal depressed lonely self and not quite so suicidal. Just wanted to thank everyone that posted. It really did help.

To caseofinsanity, yes i did try joining a soccer team with all the guys on my floor but that didnt work out so well the gym is just getting to be too much

To suurishoujo, I'm truly sorry your feeling so down also. I could really connect with alot of what you said. PM me

TO silver wasp, i know college isnt everything but thats not the only thing getting me down. this isnt a new developement, idk its just getting worse is all. Still contemplating the school counselor, im still just so ... hesitant... idk why, its just terrifying.

 

Well thanks again and im around if anyone would like to talk.

 

Could use it

[EQD]

no im not, i just dont think i can open up to stranger. besides that the only professional help i could afford would be the school counselor and thatll be a sure way for me to not be able to finish school

 

youre opening up to us though. we are all strangers.

alot of psycologists work on a sliding scale. perhaps you should consider looking into it. i know it helped me out a great deal

[Drekono]

Tends to be easier writing then talking odd since writing has always been my least favorite thing to do... gimme a book to read or a math problem to do any day over writing. Guess that means im that much worse at talking

[EQD]

ah, i see.

i have the opposite problem. i dont open up to those who are closest to me. at all.

when i was going to sessions he said that it was because i felt more vunerable. then said something about how the way i was raised i never really got to practice what it was to share my feelings with anyone else.

 

Since i found ena i find i can talk on here alot easier than anywhere else.

 

have you ever been evaluated for depression?

[Drekono]

no ive never been evaluated for depression... but i was just typeing somewheres else and i wrote something that i think goes for here too.

 

I know what its like to put up a sheild to hide yourself from people. A sheild that makes you seem like a different person to the world. But pretty soon that sheild even fools yourself. You dont remember what you would have really liked to do or what you would have actually said in a situation. you start loosing little pieces of yourself and feel like you;ll never get them back because you cant remember what you've lost in the first place. All you wanna do is be yourself but you literally dont know how or just cant. every friend or relationship feels fake and meaningless and everythings seems so pointless. Your afraid to open up to anyone because they wont believe you. all they've seen is your sheild, not you. well idk if this is what your feeling but i guess its how i feel most of the time. But i keep pushing forward. Keeping hangin on and trying to change. Its hard, its long, its slow but its life. and some things in life are worth living for. so we push through the bad to get to them.

[EQD]

yeah. thats sort of what i was thinking.

how would you feel if you just quit school and got your life back?

[Drekono]

quiting school really isnt an option. going back to my old life would put me over the edge. Being away from everything up here at school is actually helping in some areas but making it worse in others. idk i guess lately that fact that college was suppose to help me mvoe forward with my life and get me outa my funk but its failing to. everything still feels * * * * ty and the same is geting to me. The fact that everything i try is failing is getting to me.The fact that ive been holding on for so long and yet have gotten no where is getting to me. life just throws more and more * * * * at ya and it doesnt seem liek anything good ever comes. no matter where i look all i see is people that have had horrible horrible things happen to them.

[Drekono]

I really dont know what im thinking anymore. It almost seems that as soon as i fail at college that shield will come crashing down. The disappointment will be so bad. the pain ill cause my family. i just dont know who i am anymore.

[EQD]

well. if there is anything i can suggest its to never settle for what you think you should be doing or think you have to do. settle for what you want to do.

i know its easier said than done... but its the truth.

the whole 'grow up, go to college, work your butt off, go in debt, buy a house, get married, raise a family' jazz is just that, its crap.

its a cookie cutter life that has been so popularized until every one of us thinks thats the only way you can ever live your life or ever expect to be happy. and its just bogus!

 

So, dont enslave yourself to ideals, or try not to. Think of life in terms as if you were a raccoon, or a dog. They dont need to see a point in life, there is no end all be all to this madness. Its one step at a time, one day at a time. Dont live in the future, live in the now, thats the part that counts. thats the part you have to savor and focus on.

 

Sure, make wise decisions that will help your future. store nuts for the winter, but dont let it consume you, because when you do you are dead! Anyone is.

[Drekono]

thanks, the live like a dog or raccoon analogy actually made me smile alittle I would love so much to be able to just be happy and not worrry all the time.

[EQD]

you can, its like bending the spoon with your mind. There is no spoon, its just you and your thoughts. you are in complete control of this, so make it happen. dont be too discouraged if it doesnt bend the first few times. You are your own god. remember that.

i'm agnostic. so thats what i always say.

anyway.. i so feel for you, thats how i felt a while back. If it ever feels like you arent living its because you probably arent. not the way you want to anyway. or at the time you want to.

People always want to put their lives on layaway. "later i'll be able to--" and "after this is over i--" and live with that sort of tunnel vision.

Well its no small wonder that they most times arent happy. because in their mind the happiness hasnt happened yet! heehee.

So what happens when we lose sight of the light? Well inside, we die off. we are all tiny flowers and thats what happens, we just wither up and become depressed. Because everything we were depending on to make us happy, to 'save' us, is out of sight.

 

The light was with you all along. So... Focus on that.

 

Go out and buy your favorite dish at your favorite resturant, and when you eat it, really taste it. Thats life.

[Drekono]

I went and got an appointment with the school counselor for tomorrow. why do i feel so horrible right now? like a horribly lonely feeling. The kind that actually hurts and feels like a tightening in your chest and you can hear your heartbeat. I'm shaking and it feels like im almost at the edge of tears. I have so strong an urge to cut. To burn. to break some fingers... anything. I guess ive been in denial for so long that its just hurting so much. No chance in hell of sleeping tonight. What should i even expect tomorrow?

[EQD]

aww, its going to be okay. talking about these things is going to help you greatly i think. remember these people are there to help you out.

i was nervous too when i went in to my psycologist. but after i got out i immediately felt so much better. i felt like i was on the right track.

let me know how it goes

[langford]

you can msge me anytime if you need someone to talk too.

[Drekono]

hello everyone, thought i would give an update.

I just got out the the hospital's mental health unit. When i went to the school counselor she convinced me to go to the ER for a phych evaluation and i was involuntarily transfored to a different hospital and placed in the mental health unit. It wasnt exaclty the greatest experiance of my life but it was deffinately the most eye opening. Alot of things came to the surface that i didnt even realize but the best thing that came from it was just the fact that everythings now inthe open with the people that matter in my life. Its surprising how supportive not only my family is but strangers too.I know not everyone will have supportive families but there are still caring peopel out there that will do everthing in there power to help. I have an appointment with my physician today and my first appointment with a phychiatrist tomorrow. At the moment clinical depression and severe social phobia are pretty much a given but OCD and borderline personality disorder are both very strong possibilities ive been told. Still dont have an official diagnosis. they're trying me on remeron and abilify once a day at night and ativan twice daily. Im pretty sure the abilify is giving me some pretty nasty side affects, gotta tell my docter about that today. I know that medication with take awhile to get rigth and ill have my ups and downs as i try and make it through this. I might be extremely emothionally raw right now but i feel better in so many was. Feeling not so lonely helps so much.

Just wanted to thank the people that posted and PM'd me. This site was the single most motivating thing for me to actually go get help and i can honestly sayit saved my life. I hope anyone else that is contemplating seeing someone takes that step because only good comes from getting it out in the open.

Anyone that wants to talk about anything at all, Their problems, my problems, or even just how the weather is today ill be here with open ears and checking this site regualry

 

 

Best wishes for everyone

[EQD]

That is wonderful!

i'm happy to hear you are doing well, i was worried about you for a sec

keep us posted, we are all here for you