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Back to square one with my ex..


Brig

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I haven't posted here for a while.. I've been talking to my ex for the last month or so, we were trying to work it out and there's just too many things that don't work with us. We originally separated and broke up in June of 08.. Right then and there I should have left well enough alone.. I could have been 7 months along in the healing process.. We have been off and on talking, trying to make things work but it's always the same ol nonsense and now I'm back to scratch again.. last week I finally told her to never ever ever contacting me again after some nonsense went down.. The thing that amazes me is how pronounced the effects of breaking up with her affects my self concept. I mean, it's one thing to be sad about the loss of you your significant other but why does it have to affect how I feel about myself? It's like Im nothing without her. I validated myself through her. Evidently I made the huge mistake of attaching my self worth to her and now look where it's left me. I don't think I did it on purpose, I didn't realize it happened, it just sort of happened without me realizing it. But nontheless, the damage is done and I don't think I'll ever end up with anyone again.. sounds irrational but God it feels true.

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Well the good news is you are aware of the issues in the past relationship. Unfortunately most people in the same situation don't realize that they were attaching their self worth to the other person. This causes them to rush out and get into another relationship to validate themselves. Knowing what you do, why not ask yourself how you can get your self worth back and base it on things you can control. Once you feel good about yourself on your own terms, you'll more than likely be ready for another relationship. However the quality of woman you will attract will be much higher.

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Well the good news is you are aware of the issues in the past relationship. Unfortunately most people in the same situation don't realize that they were attaching their self worth to the other person. This causes them to rush out and get into another relationship to validate themselves. Knowing what you do, why not ask yourself how you can get your self worth back and base it on things you can control. Once you feel good about yourself on your own terms, you'll more than likely be ready for another relationship. However the quality of woman you will attract will be much higher.

 

Agreed, what things do I put it on for example?

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You are a great guy, smart and handsome. You have a bright future ahead of you. There WILL be a wonderful woman who will be decisively yours.

 

Are you a believer in having to actively persuing such a thing or that it will happen when you least expect it??

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Agreed, what things do I put it on for example?

 

Well for example, I am proud of the fact that I am a great dad, I am a great cook, I generally communicate well, I am honest, and I really care about people and try to immprove the world around me every day. (Don't get me wrong, there is lots of bad stuff about me too, but that's not the point)

you have the advantage that you are self aware enough to realize things about yourself that most people don't, such as what you were basing your self worth on. I'm sure it feels normal to you to do that, but I think the majority of people merely react to their life's circumstances. That is a perfect start because you will be able to guage your progress as you go. You can't control your situation, but you can control how you view it, and how you react as well. If you take responsibility for how you act, think, and feel, you will be in the perfect position to fix anything you'd like about your life. The people you know who always blame others, or even their circumstances are doomed to keep repeating the same old crap.

 

Hope this helped a bit.

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It does help. I will admit though that the things that I'd normally be proud of just lose their importance in comparison. I realize that it's emotional reasoning but to be honest, it's like my mind has a mind of its own. The emotional side is dwarfing the rational side at the moment and I don't really know how to make it stop. You always here the debate about whether emotions affect thoughts or thoughts effect emotion.. It seems in my case that the emotions are coming first and affecting my thoughts thus distorting my outlook on life.. I feel like somehow I need to get the depression to lift then my outlook on myself and life will start to go back to how it used to be.. which was good and optimistic..

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It does help. I will admit though that the things that I'd normally be proud of just lose their importance in comparison. I realize that it's emotional reasoning but to be honest, it's like my mind has a mind of its own. The emotional side is dwarfing the rational side at the moment and I don't really know how to make it stop. You always here the debate about whether emotions affect thoughts or thoughts effect emotion.. It seems in my case that the emotions are coming first and affecting my thoughts thus distorting my outlook on life.. I feel like somehow I need to get the depression to lift then my outlook on myself and life will start to go back to how it used to be.. which was good and optimistic..

 

Break that pattern immediately.

 

Try asking yourself different questions and take control of your emotions... How the hell could someone who seems to be so smart give someone else control of their thoughts? (I know how, I was broken down by an ex too, thats not the point though) Lift your own damn depression by looking at all the opportunities you have now that she's gone. I used to find it helpful to clean my place, buy new sheets for my bed, etc... Make it ready to have a new woman come over. Basically just a way to physically get the ball rolling...

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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