Some Thoughts that are getting me through today

[davew]

I'm a new member here and joined mostly to say thankyou to all that have posted recently. I have been lurking for a few weeks and have found your thoughts and suggestions helpful and healing. My GF and I broke up last month after almost 3 years together. Things got a little crazy and we found ourselves in some cylical patterns that we were both feeding off of and that had causing us to react to eachother in a negative way. The more we "tried" to fix it the worse it got and eventually she said "enough" and moved out. Its been very painfull for both of us, but mostly me because I still feel like its worth saving today, but she says she needs time to heal her self esteem and figue out what she wants. She says she loves me but has had doubts about our compatibility recently and doesn't want to come back unless she is 100% sure of us, otherwise she feels like she will just hurt me more by being with me and having more doubts...I don't know how true it all is or if the past few months just has our heads spinning, but it doesn't matter because its how she feels.

 

Anyhow...I miss her more than anything and really just want to hug her again. The few times I have seen her recently have been really nice, and she has shown me so much love. I see it in her eyes and know she still cares for me deeply. This makes it harder to let go, but it also helps alot at the same time. She lives close by and wants to be "friends" through this, but I told her I could not do that and I needed time away to get over her some firts. We are in our 2nd week of no contact, which I now expect to last for some time. Its really difficult but here are some thoughts that are helping me through my day. I wanted to share since many of you are in the same or similar place as me:

 

>She isn't doing this for fun. Its very hard for her too. She does it because she has to and needs to to help herself and me.

 

>she is a caring and loving person with no malicious intent, who is doing the best she can within her abilities (emotional and intellectual).

 

>This is only a temporary state. I am in this for the long haul and the extended future is much more important to me than the next few weeks or months or even years. I can stand to be sad for a short period to be happy for a long one.

 

> I cannot control her thoughts or actions, but only my own. It is better for me to take care of myself rather than trying to force my agenda on her. We are different people with different needs, and I cannot guess at her motivations, reactions, or feelings.

 

>I love her and trust that she is a mature and autonomous person with the ability to decide what she needs to remain happy and healthy, this is one thing I love about her most. If she says she needs time, then she does and I should support that and not be selfish. She will appreciate my support and love me more for it in the end. Aren't I supposed to be here when she needs my support, even when its really really hard?

 

>I have always asked that she be truthful and honest with me. Now that she is, I cannot hold it against her and beat her up over it simply because the truth hurts or its not the truth I want to hear. It would hurt more if she lied and stayed with me longer and still had doubts she didn't talk about, until she snapped and left out of the blue.

 

>She is hurting and feeling blue too, but doing what she needs to take care of herself. I should too...obsessing over her every move or action does nobody any good.

 

>socializing with other people (especially attractive guys) is not a threat to me, it only helps her sort out her feelings more. As it help me to socialize with others as well.

 

>if she doesn't call or write its out of respect for my feelings, not because she doesn't want to. She wants to see me very badly, but knows that is unfair and only hurts us both more right now.

 

 

If any of the above are not true then there is nothing worth being sad over as she isn't the person I even want to be with and I should move on anyhow...

 

Sorry this got a little long. But I feel better now. I hope you do too...

davew

[Hopingpraying]

DaveW,

 

I like what you said there. Made me think about some of the things I am going through. I wish my wife would of talked to me about her unhappyness before she went out and got a boyfriend, but I guess I have to take a little bit of the responsibility for that. Our situations are similar in that your girlfriend asked for time and space. I wish i would of listened to my wife when she told me that. We might not be going through what we are now. I pushed her away by not giving her that time and space. I've learned a lot in these forums, and in books I've read. It will be a long time before I want to get back on that dating carousel, but when I do I will be armed with knowledge that will help me greatly in my future relationships.

The one thing good that has come out of all of this is I am a better man. I will be a better husband, and I am the best father my daughter could ever ask for. This I believe to be true.

 

Your words do make me feel better. Thank you for the post. It is why I have been visiting this forum daily to read words of wisdom like your own.

 

Thanks,

[kungfumaster]

DaveW,

 

Thank you for sharing your honest, mature, responsible, and heart warming post. I hope if I ever meet someone again, and she says she needs some space and time to think about it, I will rely on this post to get me by the hard times.

 

With that said, it has been 2.5 months since I last had contact with my ex-girlfriend, and 3.5 months since she has ended our former love-relationship (we were together for 2 years and 3 months). Looking back, my girlfriend was not like yours in that she did not need time to decide. I think the relationship got too stressful for her emotionally and mentally, and she just wanted out, and tried to get out in the nicest way. She did not need time. So, I let her go because I love her, hoping she might come back some day, but not waiting for her for the rest of my life (this is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life - harder than any test at school, harder than any physical challenges I've had). She knows I loved her, and I want to be with her, but she just doesn't want to BE WITH ME. I hope she is feeling better now, and I wish her all the best in the future. I know she loved me as best she could, and that she cannot give anymore now.

 

So DaveW - thank you again - keep strong my friend - do something really nice for yourself everyday

[OK1]

DaveW,

 

That is some really good things to keep in mind exspecially since your goin through a tough time... I will always remembr what you have written here just in case i ever find my self in your shoes (I'm 99.9% sure that I will) Thank You very much for sharing those thoughts im sure they will be of good use to alot of people...

 

 

Keep Thinking those types of thoughts and you will be great.

 

OK1