First time post, can't tell friends/family, please help!

[mizkriz00]

I just found this website today and am hoping that someone can please offer some friendly/honest advice. I'm a 27 yr old female and my 27 year old fiance never wants to have sex with me anymore. We've been dating for 7 years and finally got engaged 3 months ago. I aways find porns that he ordered on our cable bills and I recently found out that he visited a local escort website, which almost caused me to break off our engagement. Every time I try to have sex with him, he says he's too tired and can never get "excited" to perform. He always tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am, and he just took me on a very expensive all inclusive 3-day Valentine's Day vacation in Jamaica, and we didn't even have sex there! I tried in the shower, but he said he had too much to drink and couldn't. This is making me think that maybe he's cheating on me so I've been checking his wallet and cell phone for evidence, but haven't found anything. Actually, for about the last year, we've only had sex about once a month! I have always taken very good care of myself and stayed in shape for him, but now this is making me feel very insecure. Is this normal? Is he more attracted to the dirty girls in porn and escorts than me? I can't tell this to anyone who knows me or else they'll worry about me. Any advice out there? Thank you!

[amilasiu]

have you considered that he might have some physiological/ psychological problem with impotency. Is he enjoying porn when he watches it? is he masturbating? how long has this lasted? essentially, is he able to get it up?

 

This could happen from lots of stress, new medication, illness, etc. That could be why he visited escort service- he was too embarrassed to reveal his problem to you.

 

I am not saying this is the case, but the possibility that he might be having some physiological sexual problems should be considered.

[Moveforward]

I certainly agree with the prev poster that a medical issue could be to blame. Though the description of the events sound very similar to situtaions I have been in MANY years ago. In my case I had a live in GF who was more than willing to provide sex. But still there was something missing, a kind of aggresive wildness (that's the only way i can think tp put it) that was only satisfied with other visuals such as porn. While I didn't totally reject my GF advances, it was difficult to get 'jump started', if you will, and have sex.

 

Just some comments.... for what it worth.

[davew]

I have been in a similiar place as he might be. even though I loved my GF very much at the time and was still very attracted to her physically, there have been periods in our relationship where I just couldn't have sex with her. It was hard for me to initiate it and after several failed attempts she also began having trouble being assertive. So periods would pass that were w/o sex. I was still sexually active mentally and would like to look at porn and would even think about her often when I masterbated...but I just couldn't engage with her in that way. I didn't know it at the time but the problem for me was anxiety that had built up between us over other matters. various circumstances at that time had me feeling unsafe and vulnerable in the relationship. For me sex isn't just about physical pleasure, its an intimate extension of my feelings for her, and if things are just right I sometimes hold back from expressing myself, unconsciously. Once we worked through the issues that made me feel unsafe, we had great sex again....

 

I have no idea what your fiance is going through, but that was my experience. Also its sometimes fun to just look through escort sites out of curiosity and fantasy. I have looked at many in my life, but have never even considered actually hiring one for real for one second...it may not be as damaging as it seems.

 

I just read a wonderfull book that helped me work though this a lot...maybe it would help you as well:

 

The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships

by Harriet Lerner

 

Good luck

[Cardinal]

It does sound more like an odd sort of sex addiction problem to me than anything. And I am usually the last person to think it might be that.

[wayne]

have you considered that he might have some physiological/ psychological problem with impotency. Is he enjoying porn when he watches it? is he masturbating? how long has this lasted? essentially, is he able to get it up?

 

And is he able to keep it up? Porn isn't going to get cranky because he went soft halfway through and left it horny and frustrated.