GF doesn't want me "tagging" along.

[justanotherhurtguy]

So, my gf met a new friend at work and has hung out with him once all ready. She's going out with him tomorrow for happy hour after work. I haven't been invited to meet him yet. We both live in a new city and don't have any friends. Before, she said that she didn't want me tagging along with her everytime she goes out to meet new people. I can see the logic in this and I do trust her since she hasn't really given me any reason not to yet.

 

My question is: Should I be worried about this?

 

She has told me that she told him she has a boyfriend. A friend of my sister's that lives out here has asked to hang out with her and I might do that, but I don't mind at all if my gf goes out with me to meet her. She says that I should go out on my own to meet people.

 

So does anyone think there's anything wrong with this? I guess the majority of what people say here will determine how I feel.

[striker_dude]

My question is: Should I be worried about this?

 

No, don't worry. Worrying never solves any problems, it just makes you get all uptight for no good reason.

 

Yes, worry. When your girlfriend starts spending time alone with a new guy and doesn't want you around it's a huge red flag.

 

Sorry you have to pick one.

[justanotherhurtguy]

No, don't worry. Worrying never solves any problems, it just makes you get all uptight for no good reason.

 

Yes, worry. When your girlfriend starts spending time alone with a new guy and doesn't want you around it's a huge red flag.

 

Sorry you have to pick one.

 

Well, she already had drinks with just him last week. And probably again tomorrow. I haven't asked her if I could go with her, she already told me what she was doing and didn't ask if I wanted to come.

[forever1130]

I guess the majority of what people say here will determine how I feel.

 

We don't know your girlfriend, you do-- That's why I wouldn't leave it up to the majority of us to determine how you feel about this situation. Ultimately you are the one who needs to decide if this is going to be something you worry about or not.

[annie24]

while i understand her need to be autonomous and make her own friends - i don't see why you can't come out and meet this guy. besides, you're not asking to tag along with her and her new friend Lisa to watch "He's just not that into you" or some other chick flick. this is her and some other guy.

 

i would definitely make an effort to try to make your own friends, but keep an eye on your gf.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think that when it comes to meeting new people of the opposite sex to hang out with it is playing with fire to continually hang out with them alone. I don't think it is appropriate when you have a partner.

[striker_dude]

Well, she already had drinks with just him last week. And probably again tomorrow. I haven't asked her if I could go with her, she already told me what she was doing and didn't ask if I wanted to come.

 

You already know the answer.

 

You can either wait for her to break up with you, or you can do it now.

 

The only difference is that one scenario still leaves you with your dignity.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I think this is a tad innappropriate just on how she approached the subject.

 

Didn't realize meeting your girlfriends friends was "tagging along".

 

I'd consider it tagging along if it was a girl night.

[vermilion]

Seems a little iffy to me. Don't see why she wouldn't want you to meet him. I mean, I can understand a girl wanting to hang out alone with an old guy friend. But someone she barely knows? Why would they be going out alone together? Why not go out in groups? It would make me a bit uncomfortable so I say proceed with caution.

[RaceTheDream]

I agree with striker_dude, when your girlfriend doesn't want you hanging out with her and her guy friend, then there's probably something going on. What reason could she have for not wanting you around? I would understand if she didn't want you to come with every time, but what's wrong with one time? I thought couples were supposed to do things together and have mutual friends. When I have a girlfriend I'll always invite her to hang out with my friends. But then again everyone's different, maybe it's just me.

[annie24]

i know when i want to see my male friends, i always tell them that their SOs are welcome too. and like DW said - 'tagging along' is more like him going to a ladies' night, not this (drinks with a coworker).

[JadedStar]

My personal view is an SO should always have an open invite when their SO has met a new friend of the opposite sex. If they don't, you end up with a situation just like you are in.

 

I would be very hurt in this situation. I am not the jealous type either, nor the insecure type, but that wuold hurt me terribly if he made some new female friend and went to happy hour (with drinking to boot) and made it clear i wasn't wanted there.

 

Might even be a deal breaker to be honest. Or at a minimum a situation that would make me take a hard look at how different our values system really is.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I understand her not inviting you.

 

I don't understand her saying "no" when asked to come with her for the drinks, and then semi-insulting you.

[JadedStar]

And to the OP - thing is you likely won't change her mind on this if this is really what she deems ok. To be honest, I am not feeling that it is totally innocent. I think she likes the guy and that is why she feels you would be 'tagging along'. It sends a clear message to this new guy friend as well that is a negative one IMO. She has put you in a backseat in regards to this brand new friendship.

 

But after all is said and done all you can do is express how you feel about it. If she goes forth with it anyway she has clearly not taken your feelings into consideration and this is likely something that will happen a lot, so brace yourself for it if you decide to accept this about her.

 

Personally, not only would i not stay in the backseat i'd be jumping out of the car while it was moving.

[annie24]

op - how long have you and your gf been dating, and did you move to this city together?

[Cognitive_Canine]

I don't want to jump the gun on assumptions as to what your girlfriends relationship with this guy exactly is.

 

But, I would be concerned. I agree with Jaded if it is anything but completely innocent.

[JadedStar]

I don't want to jump the gun on assumptions as to what your girlfriends relationship with this guy exactly is.

 

But, I would be concerned. I agree with Jaded if it is anything but completely innocent.

 

Yea, even if it was innocent, the way she has broached it has already given an air of impropriety. She handled it poorly and as such she has ended up with a b/f who is feeling insecure about it, and understandably so.

 

But my gut feel says it isn't entirely innocent, but that is just a gut feel and not based on anything scientific, just the way she handled it.

[elizmdavis]

I think that when it comes to meeting new people of the opposite sex to hang out with it is playing with fire to continually hang out with them alone. I don't think it is appropriate when you have a partner.

 

I completely agree. There have to be boundaries. I say feel free to do anything as long is it's not hurting you, your girlfriend or your relationship. If you feel like this is hurting you guys in anyway...then that is enough to go on.

[Simply Brett]

I'm going to play the optimist card here, potentially for the first time in my life.

 

The fact that she didn't lie to you, and she told you that she is going out alone with a guy is either the most blatant, yet strangely indirect way of saying "This isn't working for me and you" or she simply trusts and loves you so much she feels that you will understand she just wants to make friends and have some alone time.

 

This may not always be a bad thing. After reading everyone else' post, they basically all said what my first instinct told me to tell you - run. (but I would be wrong.)

 

The thing is, She didn't hide it. She didn't lie to you about what she is doing or when or why. You said yourself she has given you no reason NOT to trust her, so go with your instinct on this one and remember all of those facts.

 

I believe there's potentially still some "humanity" left in humans as a whole. You did specify that the two of you just moved to a new place so maybe she just wants some alone time (away from you) while being as polite about it as possible. She may be under a lot of stress, you must consider this because it would be a grave mistake to ASSUME anything is wrong with her intentions.

 

Never assume anything, if you feel that your communications with her have been lacking lately, or you notice you two have been distant lately you may want to approach her calmly and ask her how she is feeling these days. Ask her open ended questions, and allow her to talk, for the wisest men in the universe are far better listeners than they are talkers.

 

Be wise, and always consider the most reasonable options first - talking and communication are some of the fundamental elements of all lasting relationships.

 

_ Brett

[Cognitive_Canine]

Yea, even if it was innocent, the way she has broached it has already given an air of impropriety. She handled it poorly and as such she has ended up with a b/f who is feeling insecure about it, and understandably so.

 

Yes, I definitely agree with this.

 

Him and his girlfriend need to talk about what they each find appropriate. Personally, I wouldn't find this appropriate but other couples would be fine with it. You must open up communication to find where the line is with each individual couple.

 

She also needs to learn to take his feelings into consideration. She most likely did not mean things the way she said them. But, she must be talked to about how and why her comments are seen as hurtful so that she can approach subjects like this with more tact in the future.

[Tethryn]

The only way I would be OK with that is if I knew FOR A FACT the guy was Gay, or if I KNEW he wasn't a "threat"... You don't know the guy, you are her SO, I should think you have every right to be a little worried/curious. Do you go out with any girls SHE doesn't know all that well, or that you haven't been friends with for years (Or just a really long time)? Do you always ask if she wants to come? Maybe you should ask if you could come along, like everyone has said, if it was a “girl’s night out” yeah, but with this guy you've NEVER met? I would think she would have tried to get you to meet him, kind of an unofficial "Hey is this guy ok?". Ask her about him, show interest, say you “want to meet him, he sounds like you would get along with him” (If you really would). Jokingly drop hints about you being jealous, and if she gets sassy tell her “Well, I would think if you were really not okay with something you would tell me and we could talk”, don’t do a “You’re my territory and your not allowed to make any new friends ESPECIALLY any guys!”. If your walking around and your girl is dressed to catch attention, YOU like it, and maybe you see some guy checking her out, give her a peck on the cheek, a nuzzle, cuddle, hug her, put your arm around her waist, all to ward them off, but also think of it as a compliment, as in, when you get home with her, she’s with you, and not the guy that was gawking. You know?

 

I hope this helps!

 

I also agree with Simply Brett...

[annie24]

yeah, i wonder how she would react if you met a new woman at work, you wanted to go out and get drinks with her, but told your gf she could not 'tag along.' i wonder how she would react?

[justanotherhurtguy]

Well, our original talk was not about this one particular guy. It was basically about going out with other people. She stated before, and it was during an argument, that she didn't want me tagging along with her and that we should meet other people on our own and not always be around each other.

 

I've never invited myself to go with her, and as far as she knows, I am fine with it. I've asked questions, and she has volunteered information about what she has done as well. She has made a point to tell me that she has told him about me and what I do. But, so far, has not asked me to go with her yet. This will be the 2nd time they are meeting.

 

We still have a great relationship otherwise. She hasn't been distant. Still initiates sex, even more now that we got over our previous unrelated arguments, and jokes around and wants to go out with me on weekends.

 

So, with that in mind. Does it change anyone's perception at all? Maybe I should ask if I can come next time she goes out with him. Think I should do that?

[JadedStar]

I think you should ask if you can go because you would like to meet this new friend of hers. If she balks, then i'd say she is disrespectful.

 

As for the post that said at least she is honest, well there is a flipside to that. I know a lot of disrespectul people who are honest in things like this because they really don't care if it hurts the other person or not. So that is one other way to look at it. Not being a pessimist, but rather a realist. I think the honesty of her telling you will be overshadowed by disrespect if she tells you no, she'd rather go out with him alone. To me, going out for drinks with a guy friend and wanting it to be alone after work sounds more like a date than a friendly outing.

[justanotherhurtguy]

yeah, i wonder how she would react if you met a new woman at work, you wanted to go out and get drinks with her, but told your gf she could not 'tag along.' i wonder how she would react?

 

I did tell her that that one girl has been wanting to go get drinks with me. She said that was cool and I should go out and hang out with her and meet some new friends.