It's finally over. Now time to start posting in the "healing" section...

[dreamer888]

I can finally say that I am okay with things between me and my ex being "over." Not to say i don't miss him and wouldn't give the world for things to be perfect again and us be "us" again. but i know that right now..and very possibly forever...we have BOTH dug ourselves a very deep hole that neither one of us can climb out of no matter how hard we try.

 

I met this guy about 8 or 9 months ago. At first i wasn't interested in the slightest. He had too many flaws that I just couldn't ever see myself being happy with if we started something serious. Of course, though, he showed me a side of him that I honestly can say i don't think WAS really that "real" him, but it sure as hell got me to fall head over heels for him. Anyway, we started a relationship and almost instantaneously "fell in love." I am not doubting that i loved him very much with all my heart, and very possibly was in love...but after everything that has happened and how quickly things were ALLOWED to fall apart...i'm hesitant to say we were actually "in love."

 

After three months of dating...we broke up. Before then we had argued a lot and i'd venture to say that most of the arguing was my fault. BUT, he had his flaws too...and the worst part..he'd NEVER (and still has not) admitted his faults. I know that after so many apologies, they really mean nothing...and that was my problem...i'd mess up and apologize. And even though these apologies were 110% true, i know that after a while...he just would expect to hear one from me and they ended up being meaningless. However, when i did hurt him...i truly felt HORRIBLE. absolutely AWFUL. When he hurt me thoguh, which he did WAY more than i think he let himself accept, it just seemed as though he didn't really care how bad i was hurting and just ignored it until i basically HAD to ignore it so that i could have this "privilege" of hanging out with him. That's almost what it seemed like...it seemed like after he found out that he could CONTROL me in a sense, he used this control to make me think that i had to act exactly how he wanted or else i'd lose him. and that is NOT what a true loving relationship should be like.

 

Also, let me add...he thinks i tried to control him. I know now, looking back, that it very well could have seemed that way, but i didn't mean to. the things he considered "controlling" were things like me getting upset when he smoked (he is very addicted, i have past issues with it with my father...he knows this and knows that that is one thing that absolutely KILLS me and hurts me SO much...and he would do it anyway...almost in a vengeful way it seemed at times...)...however...i was not TRYING to control him...although i could never get mad at him for assuming this.

 

Anyway...our relationship finally started going downhill very quickly. i like to talk about problems...he likes to ignore them until they "go away." truth is...if a problem exists once...it's pretty much always going to exist and you can either talk it out or live with it and accept it. and yes, some things i got upset over were probably not wroth even MENTIONING, let alone arguing...but then again, some things were very painful for me and he couldn't understand why...and instead of trying to see why i was hurting or complaining...he'd just ignore it and act like if it didn't bother HIM, then there's no reason I should be hurting.

 

Communication was horrible in our relationship. i told him time and time again that that was key to a healthy relationship. Anyway...things started fading...i always loved him..but he todl me he was no longer in love with me. of course i was hysterical...and became more clingy after that. now though, he just ignores me for days at a time...and will only invite me over when he is "sexually frustrated." The thing is, i still love him everything's ive got to give, and all he wants me for is sex. well the last time was THE LAST TIME. He invited me over last friday....we hadn't seen one another in a week. I get there...he wakes up and we hook up and then he just rolls over...sleeps. the morning comes. same thing. then i cant fal asleep so i tell him i'm going, he just says ok, bye. and doesn't turn to acknowledge me leaving or anything. i'm just so done being used.

 

i did love this guy more than ive love anyone...and even though things got really rough and it became more and more hard to show this...i STILL tried to make up for it everytime. THing is...i told him how my last ex used to just use me for sex...he thought that was, of course, ABSURD. Well, look who's doing now?!!

 

Anyway...any tips on how to move on...or just any support would be great. I am hurting so much. i KNOW i HAVE to more on...no choice...and should NEVER want to be with someone who could care less about me in any way, shape, or form...but it is still SO hard...bc for some stupid reason i STILL think i can change him back to the "fake" person that he ACTED like he was in the beginning.

 

Thanks for any help.

[JohnGalt]

did u cheat on him?

[lostandhurt]

Acceptance will help you start to heal. It sounds like the love you felt for him blurred your vision so much (I call them love goggles) you couldn't or didn't want to see the real him. You need to accept that he is this guy you see before you and he likes being this person. Ask yourself this: If I met him for the first time today and knew all I know about him would I even give him the time of day let alone date him? I think the answer would be NO!

You are caught in the imagined world which is not real. You are imagining how great it would be if he just did this or that and changed a little here or there and quit doing this. That is NOT going to happen. Accept who he really is and you will find your healing path will begin to appear in front of you........

 

lost

[Seymore]

Ask yourself this: If I met him for the first time today and knew all I know about him would I even give him the time of day let alone date him? I think the answer would be NO!

 

Holy crap, lost - I never even thought of this. One of the most eye-opening posts I've read in a while! This helps me a lot! Thanks!