Nc?!

[parlae]

I just have to say that you should never give up hope, I don't know why people write things like that. You never know what could happen and if you just stay strong and give everything a chance to cool down with NC, things can only get better. It helps to break the cycle of fighting and things get less painful. I have a story that could help you...my friend got dumped by his girlfriend of 4 or 5 years. He tried to get her back for a year or so by doing NC, begging, all kinds of things. One day she called him up and he went over to her house, and they are back together and engaged. So you just never know! Keep your hopes up and only good things can come from it!

thanks so much.

i love reading things like that!

 

and when you said "i dont know why people write things like that"

i totally agree.

i even made a post kinda about that yesterday, called "optimistic/pessimistic".

 

i know not all advice is gonna be like "dont worry, your ex will be back". because alot of people think its more realistic to just go ahead and move on. which is fine.

but like i said, i love reading things like that. (including the story about your friend. *aww* i'm a sucker for love stories lol)

it really does keep that little bit of hope in my heart

 

[looking4ward]

Hey Parlae,

 

I know how you feel- it hurts to have people write- "just move on", "give up", etc.... I think they are trying to protect all us clinging desperately to hope. I' m a month or so out from a 9 year relationship (day 3 NC) and still think he's "the one" and all.

 

For me personally I'm slowly starting to feel better but I've had to release my death grip on hope a little bit at a time. Losing all hope at once was too hard and not going to happen for me. I still have hope that we will reconcile but am having glimmers of thinking I will actually be ok even if he dosen't come back.

 

Maybe it delays healing a bit, but gradually moving on seems to be somewhat working for me vs. letting the relationship go all at once. The book "Make Up, Don't Break Up" comforts me a lot when I feel mweak and start wanting to call- especially the chapters about how a temporary break up can lead to an even stronger relationship.

 

Good luck!! I know it sucks but try to think about how much you have to gain by this heartache- you will be a stronger, more mature person by having to go through this and it will force you to grow not a bad thing)

 

-K

[parlae]

thanks, looking4ward.

when i read what you said, it actually made me smile for some reason.. lol.

the book you mentioned seems interesting and i'd like to look more into that.

where did you get it, and how much does it cost?

the part where you said there's a chapter about how temporary breakups can lead to an even stronger relationship made me think i could probably benefit from buying it as well.

 

and i agree with you about not being able to let go all at once.

i think that's emotionally impossible for me. at least at this point.

 

please feel free to PM me at any time if you ever wanna talk.

 

and thanks again!

[looking4ward]

 

 

I bought if off Amazon- I think maybe $5 including shipping?

 

-Kristen

[parlae]

oh ok, that's not bad at all.

[SpeedingCars]

My ex started to "miss" me after NC. I used to beg and cry and plead after him, but I suddenly stopped. It usually happened around the 3 month mark that he would call me.

 

Weird.

 

He is back in my life now but there are still problems.

NC really does help you heal & there are times when I wanted nothing more than to hear his voice or see him, but I knew it was best that we weren't talking.

 

When we WERE together (it's been on/off), sometimes he would suddenly cut contact with me (either b/c of an argument or b/c he was guilty of something) and it hurt. BAD!...but you use that time to regain your composure, get your pride & dignity back...but most of all, you get YOURSELF back. Sometimes in a longterm relationship, we lose ourselves.

 

This could very well be a blessing in disguise.

 

Use this time to really focus on yourself.

It hurts, I know...

I am currently hurting at the moment, but it's a new day tomorrow. Make everyday better than the last.

 

And that's a Heather Headley song, right? Haha, I love it!

 

I hope you feel better

[parlae]

hey, speedingcars!

thanks for the advice.

i'm hoping its like you say, it being a blessin in disguise.

me & my ex had struggled for the last month or two of our relationshp. he kept telling me he wanted to take a break, but i always got him to agree that it wasnt best.

and it never happened. everything would always stay the same, we'd keep talking everyday,etc...

so maybe this is the break we needed those past few months...?

who knows...

 

i'm hoping it'll all work out.

 

how's everything going with your relationship?

hope it's ok. and like you said, tomorrow is a new day.

 

and yea, that song was by heather hedley lol.

 

i love your signature, by the way. ("if i were a boy" by beyonce)

that song was my favorite for a while, when things between me & the ex were gettin a bit rocky towards the end..

especially that part, "someday you'll wish you were a better man"

omg i love it lol.

 

thanks again for everything you said.

made me feel good...

 

[SighSob]

Parlae, I have two beliefs on this:

 

1) If they are going to come back it is usually within 2 months.

 

 

I would actually say that if they are going to come back, it's going to take AT LEAST two months...and if there's someone else in the picture, it is going to take even longer.

[SighSob]

I agree with you on one thing: we all deserve better than that.

 

Still, let's be honest here: do you think that it's not love if it doesn't last forever? I don't think so. I don't know what's your concept of "love", but to me love is great attraction + great affection, and we all know attraction and affection can rise up or fade away...

[yankeefan74]

Most reconciliations I have seen that actually work...take months if not years to happen. The reality is that things brought about the end of the relationship, and for a very long time, the person that broke off the relationship is going to have those things in their head.

 

It takes time for them to realize that 1) there were good times as well, and those memories get stronger the more time passes, 2) both people had a hand in the downfall of the relationship and both probably have issues they need to work through, 3) sometimes, you realize the issues in the relationship didn't really amount to much compared to what other couples choose to deal with, 4) people can very easily lose perspective in a relationship. Even if they don't take the other person for granted, you tend to lose the objectivity you once had and if you're not careful, you start to minimize the importance of your significant other's good qualities, and focus on the pieces of them that might bother you. Those "flaws" start to bother you more than they should.

 

Also, as I've said many times - relationships take place in space and time, and issues that were in someone's life 13 months ago may not be there anymore. Something from outside the relationship may have been putting stress on that couple, and at the time, the relationship was not far along enough yet to have withstood it. We all want to believe that "if you really love each other you can get through anything." That's fine, it's romantic and sweet, but not always realistic. RElationships are difficult enough to manage the ups and downs of without outside sources making it that much more difficult. The easy solution is to deal with those outside issues, but it's not always possible to just eliminate those things.

 

NC has nothing to do with bringing someone back or not. It's not a game, a tactic, a ploy, or a strategy for achieving that goal. If you want to use that belief as motivation to stop contacting the dumper, that's fine. But the idea is that every time you talk to someone who has dumped you - someone you want to try and get back - you are giving them an opportunity to hurt you all over again. Because ANY conversation with them will include some small, tiny little bread crumb of a comment that you will use as a reason for hope...and when the result you're looking for does not occur, you get crushed all over again.

 

Beyond that, who wants to hear that the person that just dumped them is out having a good time, doing this, doing that.

 

Inevitably, two people who break up will stop talking to each other anyway. And since people DO get back together (far more frequently than what is usually represented on this board - though not all those reconciliations should happen nor do they all work out), someone just decided to put the two things together - if you stop talking to your ex, they'll miss you and want you back. Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc. But it's not really related. People will miss you either way if you're not spending that kind of time with them you used too. The motivation to reconnect doesn't come from missing someone, it comes from WANTING someone.

 

It's been said many times but deserves to be repeated - you can't make someone want to come back and try again. You can only make them NOT want to come back.

[SpeedingCars]

Lol, no problem girl. Yeah I love that song too. Makes me feel better.

 

The only bad thing about NC is that you miss them. Other than that, it does you and him a favor. It gives you guys space to really think about things and who knows, if he comes back..it'll be better

 

I'm still not talking to my guy since the argument 2 days ago...he's actually my ex 3 years on/off...it's so exhausting. I feel like I'm stuck in one spot, to be honest. But I'm too stupid and weak to let go since he was my first everything. I haven't called, he hasn't called. I dunno. OF COURSE it had to happen around Valentine's Day & to make it better, my b-day is next month! Drives me nuts.

 

I adore him SO much but sometimes I feel like he doesn't deserve me after all the crap he put me through! At 19 years old, I really shouldn't have this much baggage, but sadly I do. I hate the silence, disappearances, tension...everything.

 

I have not contacted him so it's tough.

How are you feeling today?

[parlae]

Still, let's be honest here: do you think that it's not love if it doesn't last forever? I don't think so. I don't know what's your concept of "love", but to me love is great attraction + great affection, and we all know attraction and affection can rise up or fade away...

i disagree.

i think if you TRULY love someone. you always will.

that's why i absolutely hate when i hear something about someone fallin "out of love". i dont understand that..

if you eventually don't love someone anymore, you never did in the first place.

i'm sure this is gonna start a debate lol. but thats just my opinion.

 

The only bad thing about NC is that you miss them. Other than that, it does you and him a favor. It gives you guys space to really think about things and who knows, if he comes back..it'll be better

 

I'm still not talking to my guy since the argument 2 days ago...he's actually my ex 3 years on/off...it's so exhausting. I feel like I'm stuck in one spot, to be honest. But I'm too stupid and weak to let go since he was my first everything. I haven't called, he hasn't called. I dunno. OF COURSE it had to happen around Valentine's Day & to make it better, my b-day is next month! Drives me nuts.

 

I adore him SO much but sometimes I feel like he doesn't deserve me after all the crap he put me through! At 19 years old, I really shouldn't have this much baggage, but sadly I do. I hate the silence, disappearances, tension...everything.

 

I have not contacted him so it's tough.

How are you feeling today?

i'm feeling pretty good today actually. dont know why.

i'm sorry to hear that you and your ex arent speakin at the moment.

hopefully you guys can work it out.

 

and i feel the same way as you,

i'm 18 and wont be 19 until 6 more months (august)

but i feel like i've been thru sooo much more than other people my age.

like i shouldnt have this much baggage, as you said.

 

if you ever wanna talk, feel free to PM me, ok?! or we can just keep talkin on this thread lol.

 

 

& thanks again.

[SighSob]

I think that if love was there it will eventually pop up again sooner or later (yes I am naive). Still, even if it rests buried forever, it doesn't mean it was never there.

 

I know for a fact that my ex was really, really in love with me...and I have been really, really in love with her. Unfortunately people change, and so do their feelings - 'cause love is nothing but a feeling.

[Anyway]

i disagree.

i think if you TRULY love someone. you always will.

that's why i absolutely hate when i hear something about someone fallin "out of love". i dont understand that..

if you eventually don't love someone anymore, you never did in the first place.

i'm sure this is gonna start a debate lol. but thats just my opinion.

 

I share your point of view. Falling out of love is either kind of a harsh decision or there has never been love in the first place. Nowadays people quit relationship too fast, it has become too easy...that's the flip side of all the freedom both genders gained in the past ;-).

[parlae]

i just think that if you love someone, the love should always be there.

maybe not in the same way (romantically, etc.)...

but you should always have some type of love in your heart for a person that you once were in love with.

how can you just eventually NOT love someone??

 

makes no sense to me.

[danger]

I think there is a difference between "love" and true love. when you just love someone it's a learned behaviour of you responding to what you always grew up recognizing what love should be. you like a person, and they become important to you, and all of a sudden you feel that you love them. but you really just love the things about them. when you truly love someone though, you love them without any of their attributes. you love just them, their soul (if you want to go that deep), but that means, take away everything about them, their looks, their likes and dislikes, their sense of humor etc, stripped of everything that surrounds them, when you can love that person, that is true love. that is why when people say they fall out of love because they change, that means they just loved the things about them, because you can't change your soul. it cant be described in words, it just is. the love is just there without any justifications or reasoning.

[WomanWriter]

Love is choosing to give yourself to others. Even if you aren't actively doing it, if you have good will for them and would treat them with care and concern no matter how you feel or no matter what you're going to get out of it, that's love. People say love is a feeling. That's why there are all these break ups, I believe. They think people who stay together forever must always feel sparks or affection or sexual. If that was the case, no one would be married!

 

I went through periods of attraction to other people when I was in my relationship but out of love for my fiance, I didn't act on it. I may have had raging hormones but I looked at the bigger picture of what we were going to have in the future and chose to work on my relationship. I ended up feeling romantic feelings again eventually. Unfortauntely, he ended our relationship at the price of "finding himself" (as if he couldn't find himself when with me).

 

I think there are few people who realize the love actually is a choice. I can choose to love my ex in spite of him dumping me or I can stop. I choose to keep loving him but I can't choose to be in a relationship because that takes two. He chose to stop loving me the day he left me. He may still care about me but he is no longer willing to go through good times and bad times together, which is really what love is all about.