New here-How to know if and when to let go of ex

[1MoreChance]

Hi it's my first post here.

 

In August 08, my ex bf left for a "long break", very confused and overwhelmed.

Now we are broken up because he wants it, but he keeps saying he doesn't know what he wants and we may get back together.

3 days ago I found out from him that he had been seeing a girl for 4 days (so it's been a week now). he feels confused about her and his feelings. he doesn't want to talk about it but he has said he needs to live through those feelings.

I really love him very deeply and he is an amazing sensitive and unique perosn with so much energy and wisdom. We enjoy many of the same things. When we fell in love it was unlike anything we had ever gone through, we were both 100% in love and it was so magical.

I want to know what to do, should I let go or hold on?

 

ON January 11th I called for a no contact 30 day break because I was hurting so much and we were still in contact and even had a romantic dinner around Christmas and he was so present but then the next day he said he kept trying to pull away, didn't I notice? And the sleeping together was "just sex". He then a few days later told me that he thinks about us a lot and is starting to feel more and more like it's wrong to be apart. he has been giving me these mixed messages for MONTHS and that was why I wanted to do no contact.

 

When I saw him 3 days ago and found out he was seeing someone, it had been 10 days without contact and I initiated it back. He told me he was trying very hard NOT to think of our relationship because he doesn't want the stress etc. etc. I told him about all our amazing moments and does he want to let it all go and he said "I don't know". He was cold and not very friendly.

Before the no contact thing, he used to call me often, we could never call it off 100%.

I cannot let go, I am hurting too much. I don,t know what to do.

How do you know when it's really over? He won't give me a definitive answer. I have always givin a clear answer to my exs before, when I broke it off. This was the first time I fell in love and him too. He won't give me a definitive answer. I don't know what to do.

[SapphireNoir10]

Im afraid its over. He's with someone new. Even if he wanted to get back with you, could you deal with him having been with another girl and treating you so coldly?

 

You have you answer in his actions.

 

Go no contact and move on.

[1MoreChance]

You cannot know that for sure. I am hurting too much, I want him to come back.

[1MoreChance]

And yes I could deal with him being with someone else. he treated me coldlt becasue he was afraid. We talke don the phone after and he said so. He was crying and said he was confused. He is a very confused person right now. I accept him as he is and at least want to stay frineds.

[SapphireNoir10]

He is with someone else hun, please understand someone who loves you wouldnt keep you hanging on whilst he moved on.

[1MoreChance]

he isn,t with someone else, just been seeing her for a few days. He does love me.

[SapphireNoir10]

IF you ask yourself now. IF he loves you. Why isnt he with you? if it was so great...why did he want the break? If he respects you, why is he seeing and possibly sleeping with someone else?

 

I think if you go no contact and move on, and give him a chance to miss you, thats the best thing you can do. IF hes meant to come back he wil. If he doesnt, then your better off anyway.

[SapphireNoir10]

Do you not feel like keeping you hanging on shows lack of respect whilst he isnt hanging on himself?

[1MoreChance]

"IF you ask yourself now. IF he loves you. Why isnt he with you? if it was so great...why did he want the break? If he respects you, why is he seeing and possibly sleeping with someone else?"

 

I had a lot of problems into the relationship and became very anxious becasue of trust and boundary issues and severe anxiety brought on by hormonal birth control. I started a very stressful job contratc. I was sick a lot, had several infections. I also had surgery. Everything went wrong. He was very supportive, but became very stressed himself. Normal. Now that all is better, I have a therapist, went back to work and to school, want to work at things, he is no longer interested. Or rather sonfused.

 

I don,t see it as a lack of respect seeing somebody else. It is just someting he needs right now. We are not together now. Though he keeps saying he may come back.

[SapphireNoir10]

Ask yourself, are you willing to wait around for him? Whilst he see's someone else?

 

Can you not try and move on for your sake? That way if he comes back its just a bonus.

[1MoreChance]

Afterglow

You sound like a very rational, logical person.

I am a very sensitive, emotional, artistic type, with intimacy and trusts issues on top of this.

While I appreciate your comments and questions, I cannot relate because right now I just need someone to hold me on their arms and tell me everything is going to be ok, I hear your feelings, you are in pain, etc. And I want him to love me. And to be there with me and to embrace me and to listen and to tell me how he feels and to tell me let's try agian, I love you mr ethan anything in the wordl (he used to tell me all the time and also that he would never leave).

I am all alone right now and no one can fullfill me or get me out of this crazyness in my own mind.

I wish I were dead.

[SapphireNoir10]

Im not a rational person at all.

 

Infact. I've been in the very same situation.

 

My boyfriend at the time wanted a break, we went from being engaged and living togeht to seeing eachother twice a week. He would never tell me if we were together or not. I begged him to tell me what was going on. I waited for him for months.

 

But at the end of the day he didnt want me or love me and it broke my heart.

 

I felt the same as you do now. I felt like dying.

 

But it does get better. Im proof. With or without him you will BE OK

 

*lots of hugs*

[SapphireNoir10]

AND I've heard that so many times. 'I'll never leave you' People lie and can be cruel, I know how you feel. How you'd do anything to change things. But you can't , you have to survive and stay strong.

[Anyway]

He does love me.

Would someone that really loves you leave you for someone else?

 

I am all alone right now and no one can fullfill me or get me out of this crazyness in my own mind.

I wish I were dead.

 

No, you don't. Breaking up sucks, we all know that. Unfortunately, there is only one thing you can about it right now: go NC. You will heal a lot faster that way. Trust me, trust the rest of this community.

 

Read link removed and some of the other articles there. This site provides great advice and information.

 

I promise you that you will be fine again!!!

[1MoreChance]

Thanks Afterglow.

The difference though id that I drove him away. Because deep down, I always felt unworthy and undesreving of his caring and love. What I did to push him away is criticize him a lot, and act very insecure and paranoid about little stuff (like him calling his female co workrs sweetie and darling). I also was very controlling about stupid stuff. Not like whom he sees or how he dresses, etc. No. Just stiff like when he was at my place, which was all the time pretty much, I would pick on little things like if he turned up the heat on the stove too high and burnet the eggs or something. I would pout and cry and criticize and act dissappointed, I guess I felt like if he really cared about me he would get it right at last, or I was just looking for anything to reject him about. believe mne I rejected him way before he ever rejected me. I didN,t know how to say my emotions, fears, needs and how to set up boundaries. he still lives with his mom, and I have my own place, so he was here way too much and I felt out of control about that. Like invaded. But I was afraid if I told him how I felt and set limits, he would leave.

I tried so hard to be nicer and work on myself (I still am in therapy with a psychologist) but it's like now that things are better, I am gettng help, he is o longer interested in being there. Either I broke his heart too much, or he just wanted someone to nurture and "help" to escape his own issues, and now that I am taking responsibility for helping myself, he has no need for the relationship. He keeps saying he forgave all my anger outbursts and criticizing.

He won't tell me "it's over for good, I'll never be with you again."

I don't know how to take control of my lif ena dself . I feel so ashamed and bulneable. Like a wounded animal with nowhere to go, just lost in the cold winter city with no one to love her.

[SapphireNoir10]

I too was insecure and hurt in the past. But he was also abusive and nasty to me. Sure you made mistakes, but Im sure he did too. ANd you have learnt from them and tried to improve yourself. So you've done what you can.

 

Ask him to give you a straight answer so you can move on.

[1MoreChance]

I have asked for a straight answer for MONTHS. He will not give one , which is his choice. Like it's my choice to not forget him (the other night when he was cold he said, "forget me"). The the next day i called him and he was crying saying how happy he is that I am calling, that he wanted to get me this book as a gift...

Why do I have to work so hard but he can just act out of his unconscious mind all this craziness? I don't understand.

I do not know how to be without him. As much as I pushe dhim away during the relationgship, I tought we were gonna stay together.

I don't know how to stop feeling like a victim, like so afraid and terrified he won't come back. It's a horrible, chilling feeling I get inside me, like I am completelly going to disintegrate and die of fear. It must come from my childhood traumas.

[1MoreChance]

AnyWay

He didn't leave me for somebody else. We were already broken up but he gave me a lot of mixed messages and we even got together and had a magical everning around christmas. I just don,t know what to do.

When we were together I had a lot of problems but I also tried very hard. I even bought the book Relationship Rescue by Dr Phil! It was on sale at the drugstore and I thought why not. I gave it to my ex (then bf) as one of several Chritmas gifts, syaing it was for "us" and I did the whole book by mtslef (a lot of work and introspection and writing). He did nothing. When I got to the "couple" part (where the couple has to do the exerise together) , I told him so but he still never opened the book past page 3 or something.

 

Then when we finalised giving each other out stuff back (mostly HE had a lot of stuff at my place, and he jsu had like a couple of my cd's and a book of mine at his place), then he asked for "his" book back (relationship rescue) because it was his Christmas gift. it's true and I gave it back to him, but still, he never wanted to do the work when we were together. And it was always ME who had to ask for us giving our stuff bak to each other (I put it all in bags because it hurt too much and leaft them in the kitchen). he was very passive about resolving stuff and moving on, then he would say "sorry for hurting you, I don,t mean to".

 

I feel very confused and hurt. I know I made many mistakes and have issues. he told me he forgives me and that it takes "2 to tango" (because I blame myself a lot) but still I feel like it was all my fault and he never did his share of "work" in the relatinship. Like, i kept telling him about the fact that I felt like he wasn't LISTENING to me when I was talking. Like he was else where and not attentive. But he kept saying "no, I am listening to you" And then I felt like I was crazy and we used to have frequent fights about this. My needs were not met at that level but it would never get resolved.

 

When we took breaks and saw each other, things really improved, we really appreicated each other, I being more free, less rigid and controlling and owning my own self-esteem more, he being present and listening to me. But still he wants to leave, even though I felt things were movng in an awesome direction.

 

I feel so confused and sad.

[xRoh]

i know this is going to be VERY VERY hard, but you have to do nc, whether for the right reasons or not. most likely, once he realises you are no longer hanging around like a lost puppy, he will get suspicious and curious and try contacting you much more often than he did. right now he doesn't care. he has a new girlfriend and an ex who still loves him. he's revelling in all the attention. cut it off and he'll show more interest.

[1MoreChance]

thanks.

I am angry right now. I just saw on his msn profile the new girl. She is like 15! (my ex is soon 23). She looks like a little rapper chick with her cap crooked on her head striking a pose. She wrote "I love you babe" and then she commented on a pic he had up, which is of him and a coworker at their Christmas staff party. She *assumed* that girl was his ex and wrote "You ex is really beautiful baby, lol it's fun that I as your gf I didn't post a pic with my bf

 

Like WTH??? the girl in the pic is NOT his gf, and last night my ex told me that this new girl is not his gf, he is just seeing her (hardly ever) and she never has time to see her and he wants to break it off and is pissed off at her, that she is a tease, never has time to see him and he is feeling rejected. It just sounds to me like she is really immature and manipulitve.

 

I am so ANGRY that I was replaced by HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[FloatingAnchor]

1MoreChance, I was in a very similar situation to yours. My ex kept assuring me that he loved me, which I don't doubt, but at the same time, he needed to see where things would go with the other girl or he'd be thinking about it even if we did get back together. It's easy for others who are not involved, and for me, now that I've gotten some distance from the situation, to see how asinine this sounds and how unfair it is to the dumpee. But at the time, I was like you and thought that he would come back if he loved me. Things with the new girl would just dissipate, and if I was patient, he would come back in time. This went on for months. I'm too embarrassed to tell you how many, but the conclusion I came to in the end was, it doesn't matter how much he loves you if he doesn't show it, if you don't feel it. You keep saying that he won't give you a definite answer. My ex was the exact same way. The only way I got myself out of the pain was to not rely on him for the answer. I found the answer in myself, and that answer was that I didn't need to be hung up on a guy who either 1) didn't love me but was stringing me along for his own security or 2) did love me but was too cowardly to face his feelings. Your (ex)boyfriend may really love you, he may not be lying. But if he is still with this other girl and he can't see how much this is hurting you, then he doesn't care and you need to distance yourself to stop hurting. You cannot wait for the day that he will wake up and "come around." That day may never come, and at what cost to yourself?

[Anyway]

thanks.

I am angry right now. I just saw on his msn profile the new girl.

It's a very bad idea to scan online profiles of your ex.

 

Like WTH??? the girl in the pic is NOT his gf, and last night my ex told me that this new girl is not his gf, he is just seeing her (hardly ever) and she never has time to see her and he wants to break it off and is pissed off at her, that she is a tease, never has time to see him and he is feeling rejected. It just sounds to me like she is really immature and manipulitve.

Don't listen to this. It's not the truth. Sorry to say that but you'll realize in a few weeks.

 

I am so ANGRY that I was replaced by HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep, I got replaced, probably cheated on by my last ex. It tremendously increases the pain. Focus on you now and cut him out of your life. I know it's very hard in the beginning but it helps a lot. You can read a lot about that stuff around here.

 

You'll be fine!!!

[1MoreChance]

Yellowducky

 

thanks. I agree. I am overwhelmed with grief right now. I ma loosing him. It's over. It kills me. But you are right I need to find my own answers. I too am starting to feel like he is just pretty unaccountable to me. And a 15 yo little bimbo!!

 

Anyway

 

It isn't a lie. He is feleing confused and was crying on the phone, last night telling all this. He, like myslef, thrives on rejection. While he needs to relaize it himself, I believe that is what is going on with this girl. please do not assume he is "letting me down easy" by saying that things are not going right with this girl. I saw what she wrote myslef on his profile and she sounds completelly ridiculous in her comments and assumptions. I guess my ex has lost his * * * * ing mind.

[1MoreChance]

anyway

 

youre right I shouldn,t look at his profile. But it si public and I am feeling pretty * * * * ing self-destructive right now.

[spion_kop]

i think what people need to let go of an ex is another significant event in their lives that has the same kind of importance as the break up. In my case, it was my future and what i was going to do with my life. It really gave me a kick up the backside. When that occurs, my ex was the least of my worries and eventually she didnt even become part of any of my worries.

This all occurs with time. If you have the potential to take control of your life, the you can get over the break up. The best way for this is to go NC because it brings about boundaries and distances with the ex.