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How do I proceed? Is this how friend-zoning starts???


dstein

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My ex of 4 years ago and I ended up having our first conversation in 5 weeks yesterday. He left 2 months ago today. We had been in VERY limited contact regarding my kids and some business-y stuff. NOTHING personal, other than a very loving but not "I love you" email and flowers on my birthday a few weeks ago. I've heard that work is extremely hard for him and I know he's been struggling for a while-his dad died somewhat recently, his business has been steadily reclining in the last year and they are restructuring right now...I hadheard he was "not doing great" from mutual friends...I just had the urge to reach out (I KNOW!!!!!!) and texted him "Are you ok?"

 

Long story short, it resulted in a 30 minute phone call that he initiated-some of it was heavy-he stated he didn't know what to do about contact because he didn't want to just "fall back into something". I told him that there was nothing to fall back into, that our relationship was "broken" and that I was clear of. Anyway, it shifted into a comfortable rhythm and got light and funny and at the end I asked, well, now what? and ended up saying, maybe we can try to have lunch in a few weeks or something. He then said, why don't I call you this week and we can figure out? I said great. Well, today I got an email. I don't want to read too much into this. I know that he is exploring an old relationship (you can read details in my other post for details) with a woman from 12 years ago that he had unfinished feelings for, and I know she is coming to town next month to see him. This wasn't the reason for the breakup, but it precipitated it by a week so I believe it was the catalyst for the decision. He had been torn for a long time about marrying/taking on me, my 2 kids, and my meddling, destructive ex-husband. I was very aware of that issue, but our problems were predominately outside issues. We were extremely close and definitely were crazy about each other, but life and things had definitely gotten to be stressful and challenging in the last year or so.

 

ANYWAY, I know I need to be very careful and protect my heart right now, but I have to admit I was surprised to hear from him so quickly.

 

NOW WHAT? Here's the gist of the email:

 

I've found a couple of your things too. A file of xxx's I think you need. A shirt. Maybe we can trade this week?

 

Thanks for making yesterday so easy. It was really good to talk to you.

 

He's just curious and now I'm getting friendzoned, right?

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Yes, this is just more unfinished business and friendzoning. Since his work life is in such a downturn I have to wonder if he was looking for excitment to take his mind off his woes and that's why he is running to this other lady..rekindle things to live life in the past before times got difficult. Lots of people do that when they leave long-term relationships because they have suddenly connected with a high school sweetheart. They are trying to go back to the time of innocence and freedom before life's responsibilities and problems got in the way...it is their retreat into fantasy.

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Yes, this is just more unfinished business and friendzoning. Since his work life is in such a downturn I have to wonder if he was looking for excitment to take his mind off his woes and that's why he is running to this other lady..rekindle things to live life in the past before times got difficult. Lots of people do that when they leave long-term relationships because they have suddenly connected with a high school sweetheart. They are trying to go back to the time of innocence and freedom before life's responsibilities and problems got in the way...it is their retreat into fantasy.

 

I absolutely believe that, just as I believe if he does not see her and figure it out then there is never a chance for he and I because he would always wonder "what if" in regards to her. It's been interesting to read all of the "12 years later" posts on here...what is that about, 12 years after the fact???

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His next email said, "How about Thursday? We can see each other and swap." After a day of deliberation, I decided I coudn't handle seeing him yet, so this is what I said:

 

Wow. So I sent him a brief email, saying “I’m grateful that we were able to reconnect, but it would not be good for me to see you at this point.” Love, K…

 

The response I got was SO indifferent…here’s what it said: “Ok. I understand. You're probably right. I'll send you the things of yours I have. How do you want me to get my things? With love, S

 

I think I cried more when I read that than I have in some time. It was so painful. Just NOTHING. No feelings, nothing. Easy, done, whatever.

 

I have to let this go.

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Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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