I am stuggling help

[rich_1517]

Today is hard

its been al ittle over a month since she said bye. I am so scared right now that i gave away so much power and that i am loser.

 

I have struggled with work for 2-1/2 years, im 42 and things had looked good when we met. then within six months i was borrowing a lot. the economy flattened my business.

 

She asked for two months instead of full break up after i asked first day was there no other way? that was her solution. she picked up her clothes, made arrangements for her stuff and was gone.

 

I was so blown away, i had just come back from putting my dad into a dementia facility.

 

so why am i scared? i feel like a 42 year old loser, i am attractive, smart, funny and work hard, but the finances have been really bad. its all i think about and my pride is leveled.

 

I also sent a message of "its not ok to call if you just want to be friends" she had sent me an email saying "i dont want to get your hopes up" and "we have to be friends for now". she had been calling a lot during the third week and pushed to get together and hang out and go to dinner. It finally was too much and i asked "whats up?". she said still deciding.

 

Spoke to a common friend (more hers than mine) who basically said i sound pathetic when i asked if this two month thing was smoke or real, meaning was she really confused and deciding or just wanted to keep me dangling. the friend harped on the fact that i was willing to make changes, and didnt i want anything more out of life than this? hobbies, goals.

 

I got angry and said how in the world do you get that picture? i am afraid she is projecting that image to my ex. im hurting but im not pathetic, but it really bothers me this may be the perception.

 

I have been doing no contact (my not calling) since the break, except to call her and ask her for a week of no contact. now i am scared that she is done im a loser and that even my little hurts have shown i am weak and not worth pursuing. i am very down right now. can you tell? I miss her so much it hurts so bad. i needed her help now and im lost.

 

I feel that i overreacted to the whole break up and lost any grounds for easy contact by saying im not ready to be just friends yet. I struggle with calling but it would just make me feel worse to hear her not caring about me anymore, no i dont know what she is feeling but the cautions from her are scary. i am afraid i blew it by protecting my feelings and look weak.

[Mar]

Okay, first of all you need to lose that "I'm a loser" image. If you're feeling it that intensely, you're also projecting it, which isn't healthy for you or for anyone you're looking to maintain a relationship with.

 

You had financial struggles-we've ALL had financial struggles, and had to borrow money at one point or another. I know I certainly have. The economy doesn't care what age it's hitting, it just takes a bite out of whomever it can.

 

As far as your girlfriend goes, you're also casting too much doubt on that as well. You told her you didn't want her calling if it was just to be friends-why? I'd imagine because it would be too difficult to remain "just friends" with a woman you loved that much, as it is in any relationship. I have a really hard time believing the people who say they're "friends" with their ex a week after a breakup. It just doesn't happen, or, if it does, someone's lying to someone else. So you did what you did to protect your heart from further emotional battering. How is that bad? It's not.

 

You can't do anything about whatever this mutual friend might be saying. If your girlfriend is so easily swayed by what friends tell her and not what she sees for herself in you, she's not worth having anyway. I'd lose a lot of respect for someone whose opinions were formed soley on what a friend said, and couldn't think for herself. She should know all your qualities, good and bad, and decide for herself if you're who she wants to be with. I DO disagree with her dangling her "maybes" in your face like so much bait, though, especially considering the fact that she knows this is hard on you.

 

You're letting her call all the shots-why is that? Because you love her? Do you love the person she can be, in that she can make you wait while she makes all the decisions in your life for you while you wait at her beck and call? Or that she can't give you an answer as to why she needs a break for a couple of months? Generally, if someone needs a break, it tends to lead to a permanent breakup and is just the easier way of doing it without a lot of confrontation.

 

I would really suggest starting to move on. I know you love this woman, but her actions are rather passive-aggressive, and you're getting the short end of the stick. I have a feeling that she's going to slide this two-month break into another few months, leaving you hanging all the while. A relationship in that aspect is rather simple. You either love someone enough to do your best to compromise on the difficult issues and work through them, or you find that you're unhappy enough and have done everything, EVERYTHING in your power to fix those problems and have no alternative left. Or you fall out of love with someone, for whatever reasons. And you leave. I can't think of a single reason why someone would require an extended leave, leaving me in limbo to work out whether I'm still in a relationship or not!

 

If you want to salvage some of your pride, call the shots for once. You said yourself you're attractive, smart, funny and work hard, and you can use all of that to your advantage. I realize that the financial aspect has really put a hurting on your pride and self-esteem, but it doesn't have to. Are you working now? Are you actively out there, looking for a job from sunup to sundown every day? Then there's no reason for your pride to suffer so much. You're doing everything in your power to rectify your financial resources. If you're NOT, then you have no excuse to feel sorry for yourself. But rather than sit on the pity pot about how things have taken a dive, be proactive instead of reactive. And let this woman know that you're done with waiting for her to make up her mind about you, and that you're moving on to someone who can appreciate you the way you appreciate them, and are looking for a more equal partnership.

 

But for God's sake, don't hang your head like a beaten pup and just roll over and give up! No one respects that, man or woman, and it does nothing for your self-esteem. If you're doing all that you're capable of to fix the things that have gone wrong in your life, take pride in that, don't dwell on the fact that they're still not going as you wished! Nothing in life is free or easy, and you know it as well as I do or anyone else does. If you want something, ANYTHING, you have to work for it, not sit on your tush and wish things were better! Good luck to you, I sincerely hope you can see things a little clearer and take some pride in yourself and your strong points instead of accentuating the weak ones!

 

Mar

[Teal]

You're an art director? Wow! I've heard that art directors are usually overworked, and stressed out, especially with budgeting. I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but your ex wanting 2 monthes off sounds a bit sketchy don't you think? What if she's busy with someone else. So what happens after 2 monthes? She finds that whatever she's pursued is much better than you so she'll break it off permanantly. I'm sorry, but it's just too convenient for her. What about you?

 

If the relationship's not working out right now, then it might not even work later. Dating is just a stepping stone to see if you guys are meant for each other, but if thing's are already rocky, then I doubt that you can build a relationship on unstable ground.

 

Give yourself a break. Take some time off of loving her, and love yourself. You deserve better.

[rich_1517]

thanks guy i was having a particularly bad day and felt it was important to share the dark depths of my despair so i could see it and fix it.

 

this whole waiting period is actually a result of my asking for an alternative to a break up. bad idea.

 

Your advice is awesome both of but MAR you are dead on and its what i would hope i could say to someone in my shoes.

 

I am feeling sorry for myself, and its that aspect that makes me angry, that i am/have and not picking me up. I just got slapped this last year pretty hard and trying to land on my feet.

 

but thanks

[Mar]

You're entirely welcome......now DO something about it....lol You know what you have to fix, and I understand completely the getting swamped with feelings of self-pity-but I also get pretty disgusted with myself when I dwell on them too long. Get off that road and onto another one; one that's more productive and more fulfilling to you, in all aspects of your life. If she's treating you like dirt, let her know that you're not going to stand for it because you're worth a wee bit more than that! Let her know that, with all the other crap going on, you don't need her additional wishy-washiness on top of it all to further complicate things for you, and that, if you mean something to her, she'll let you know posthaste that you do!

 

Mar