I'm not suicidal, but...

[LOLephant]

Okay, so I am usually a pretty happy guy. I have great parents a great girlfriend that I plan to propose to in the next few months and live with for the rest of my life, I am a recent graduate of college and have quite a few friends. I take a very low dose (10mg) of Lexapro because I used to have a problem in college about anxiety. It has worked wonders. I know it is an anti-depressant/MAO inhibitor, but at a low dosage, I think it's purely meant to take the edge off of my anxiety.

 

Throughout the day I am very active, I exercise frequently, eat well, maintain a healthy weight. I am very social and happy.

 

However, sometimes when I am stressed (not to the extreme at all, just a little tense) to the point where I have a little difficulty sleeping...I have this problem.

 

I lay in bed with my eyes closed and imagine myself with a handgun pointed at my left temple. I imagine myself pulling back the hammer, hearing the click and feeling the reverberation through the steel echoing through my temple. I imagine in slow-motion slowly pulling the trigger and having my worries, fears, and emotions slowly implanted on the brick wall beside me, sticky and warm. For some reason, I feel this wave of calmness sweep over me...and I am finally able to rest.

 

I have a CHL and a handgun with ammunition. I NEVER ever EVER think I would be capable of doing this to myself purely because I feel it is selfish and would hurt others that know me many more times than I would actually hurt myself or the pain/stress I am feeling, but for some reason...it helps me find a soothing calmness.

 

I have tried to rationalize this as my brain trying to tell me to be more grateful for every sunrise I am given and the preciousness that is my life. Also, the image might be representative literally as me putting my problems behind (or in this case, beside, splattered all over the brick wall) me.

 

Finally (and I apologize in advanced for the long post), I believe that the reason I feel such extreme calm is because it lets me know that no matter HOW stressed I am, how angry(an emotion I rarely exercise)/depressed/saddened/etc I may be, I can always resort to doing this to feel better. But by envisioning this act, I can see how nonsensical, silly, and selfish it would be.

 

My final thought is how if I am able to rationalize killing myself and not flinch, how much better it would be for both myself and anyone I know to wake up tomorrow and brave whatever I must.

 

So why am I posting this? Well, I guess Im just wondering if this is "normal". Well, I dont care if it's normal because I dont think such a metric exists. Is this...."healthy"? is it okay that this is how i choose to relieve my stress? I don't think I can manifest any actions beyond this or relating to it, but it sure does make me feel okay sometimes when it's kind of dark.

 

Any thoughts?

[waveseer]

I think you need to give yourself permission to take mini vacations from your life. They can be real or imagined, as long as weeks or as short as ten minutes. If you can conceive of leaving your troubles on the wall, you can conceive of pouring them into a vault which is then sealed forever as you then imagine a calm and relaxing scene.

[sarey]

^^ I have OCD and to be honest, this sounds more like depression if he finds himself "at peace" in this vision of ending himself.

 

I would nevertheless see someone with regards to it, it's quite worrisome.