kuiks8 Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I feel myself getting low lately...i don't know if it is the weather or being so far from home but I feel really down. I don't know where i belong anymore. I don't feel comfortable in Ontario, not with my ex building a life in the town he moved to to be with me. When i go back I stay at my parents, have to ask to borrow the car and spend the whole time visiting people. My b/f lives in Victoria and i love seeing him but when i am there it is his space, his apartment, his food, tv, computer etc... Here in Vancouver I don't feel safe and often i feel completely alone... I graduate from my program May 1st (it's the reason i moved out here) and i don't know what to do after that... My b/f and I have talked about moving in together in Victoria, but that means moving to a new city again and starting all over...I don't know what to do Where do i belong? Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Kuiks, I'm really sorry you are feeling down. I think that your question makes me wonder: where are the jobs that you would most prefer to have after graduation? Link to comment
kuiks8 Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 I can work anywhere...i am studying to be a counsellor i can set up my practice anywhere... Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 If you see your relationship going long-term, then maybe it's time to start thinking about options to close the distance. But I think if you are going to do that you should approach it with an open mind (both of you) and just allow your minds to wander, even if some of the ideas seem crazy or impractical. Just maybe do some brainstorming about your future home together if your relationship is at that level of seriousness. I don't know if you want to live together without being married but it's something to consider. I think at the very least, being in the same city would be great if the relationship is to progress. I think most LDRs that work have some sort of plan to close the distance. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Wow I have been there. Perhaps even experienced the 'where is my home' crisis a little rougher than you. My parents house doesn't feel like home at all. I didn't have a pretty childhood. Having said that, I am not having a pretty adulthood with my dad either. He disowned me 3 times in the past two years. The first was because I couldn't read a map backwards, as he wanted me to read it. Well I could go on, but I don't want to hijack here Anyway now I live overseas. I rent. And this feels no longer like home. I think my bfs house started to feel like home for me I am happy. I feel safe and loved. I really think of it as home, after being 'homeless' for about 4-5 years now. Link to comment
philomela Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Hmm. Maybe giving yourself a fresh start IS just the ticket, by moving to Victoria. But according to the rest you said about your ex boyfriend establishing his life in your city,you're going to need to sit down and think real long and hard about your motivations for moving, if you do. If you do decide to move, make sure it's not just because of your new boyfriend (or was that your best friend...? that lingo confuses me, lol), because if that doesn't work out then you may be left in a very similar boat. Do some research...is there an area that you'd like to set up your practice? what do you picture in your mind? what kind of things do you want in your life and environment? And even without moving maybe, can any of these qualities and things be met by living in Vancouver? From the little you wrote, I can tell you need your own safe space, and you prize it. You should focus on establishing a haven for yourself, no matter where you live. I moved to Australia from Arizona about 2 years ago, talk about displacement and feeling so lost! while it hasn't been easy at all and I do still struggle a lot, I've slowly started to establish some safety nets and roots here for me. It's about asserting yourself onto your environment. Make it work for you. Are there any activities you enjoy that you may be able to participate in with others? Perhaps a book club, or crafts classes, or even bellydance?(don't knock it! it's great fun! The more involved you become in the things going on around you, the more you'll be able to reclaim the place in which you live.Plus, you will meet people and have fun, and, if anything, ease some of the loneliness that depression brings. I realise that was all over the place, but I hope some of it was helpful Link to comment
kuiks8 Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 thank you everyone!!! There is a fear to moving to Victoria b/c i would be making that decision to make my life there because of my boyfriend. Part of my fear is that I have a hard time believing that I deserve this great relationship after my marriage ending. I didn't think I would be with someone so seriously but we have just grown so close and have done it so naturally... I want to be with him and I really think we could do well together in Victoria but there is a fear of moving there and if we were to break up. He and i have started looking at places and we have talked about finding our own activities etc...we have great communication, fun, he is so strong and gets me...it's near perfect... I have some closer friends here in Vancouver but it's early with them..not that comfortable deep relationships i have established back in ontario... ugh the fear LOL Link to comment
philomela Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Then, though I agree about distance needing to be addressed in LDRs, if you do want to move to Victoria you need to have more reasons than your boyfriend to do so. You have to be yourself before you're a part of a couple, and that means having your own life, your own activities and interests, your own HOME. You will always be yourself, no matter what your relationship situation may be, no matter where you live and what you do and who you're friends with. Don't center your life around anything but you and your happines. I recommend you sit down and make a list. What do you want in your life, what do you picture? would victoria meet those needs? It is a VERY scary thing. My boyfriend moved down from his state to live with me, which was a risk. He's told me that if we don't work out, he'll just move back. As simple as that. Though he wants us to work out, above all he recognizes the need to take care of himself.Sometimes you've simply got to bite the bullet and take that risk, the consequences be damned. Link to comment
kuiks8 Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 i LOVE lists!!! i tell everyone around here to make lists...thanks for the reminder!!! Thanks Redrose! Link to comment
Sparkly Eyes Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 second on that. Also kuiks I totally understand where you come from! I am really lost too. I dont know where I belong to. It's scary I have to admit. I made a lot of wrong decisions, dont want to make another one! Link to comment
kuiks8 Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 second on that. Also kuiks I totally understand where you come from! I am really lost too. I dont know where I belong to. It's scary I have to admit. I made a lot of wrong decisions, dont want to make another one! i hear that...but i really can always go back to ontario...so maybe it's not that big of a risk to move to victoria and try with my b/f. I have great friends and lots of family in ontario so if it didn't work i could reestablish back east...my b/f is definitely worth trying with... Link to comment
Applewhite Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 second on that. Also kuiks I totally understand where you come from! I am really lost too. I dont know where I belong to. It's scary I have to admit. I made a lot of wrong decisions, dont want to make another one! I didn't know so many people felt like this. I thought it was just me. Link to comment
kuiks8 Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 I didn't know so many people felt like this. I thought it was just me. the beauty of ENA! Link to comment
Applewhite Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 kuiks how long have you known him? been with him? I am just curious. Link to comment
Sparkly Eyes Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 i hear that...but i really can always go back to ontario...so maybe it's not that big of a risk to move to victoria and try with my b/f. I have great friends and lots of family in ontario so if it didn't work i could reestablish back east...my b/f is definitely worth trying with... that is great that you can do that. My situation is way worse. Basically I'd be lonely no matter where I go,lol. Well, if you think it is worth the chance, why not try it? How long have you two been together? Link to comment
kuiks8 Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 we have known each other since we were kids...we went to elementary school together, and we almost got together about 5 years ago... we have been together now for 6 months...we will be together 11 months when we move in together... I am sorry you're situation is worse off than mine worried...want to tell us more about it? Link to comment
Sparkly Eyes Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 we have known each other since we were kids...we went to elementary school together, and we almost got together about 5 years ago... we have been together now for 6 months...we will be together 11 months when we move in together... I am sorry you're situation is worse off than mine worried...want to tell us more about it? well, I guess you'll see how it goes. In the next 5 months you will have a better view on your relationship. If you'll still think it is a good idea you'll do it. Otherwise you go back to ontario. Don't be worried about it girl. I don't even belong to canada, yet I still want to stay here and I have no idea where to go and what to do! lol Link to comment
kuiks8 Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 where are you in canada now? where did you come from? Link to comment
philomela Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 i hear that...but i really can always go back to ontario...so maybe it's not that big of a risk to move to victoria and try with my b/f. I have great friends and lots of family in ontario so if it didn't work i could reestablish back east...my b/f is definitely worth trying with... That's the attitude! If you feel he is worth it, and you have a plan for just in case it doesn't work out, then I don't see any reason why you shouldn't go forward with it. Take a chance to make yourself happy again, get out of the rut you're in, and start new. I get such a positive, warm feeling for you about the entire business. LOL lists ARE fun, aren't they? except when they come to finances. that's never fun! Link to comment
Sparkly Eyes Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 where are you in canada now? where did you come from? I'll send you a pm. Link to comment
greywolf Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Hey kuiks, I think I know how you feel. I've been moving since I was 12. Can you see yourself with your bf in the future? Do you think he's someone that you could spend the rest of your life with? I think those are important questions to consider. Link to comment
kuiks8 Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 Hey kuiks, I think I know how you feel. I've been moving since I was 12. Can you see yourself with your bf in the future? Do you think he's someone that you could spend the rest of your life with? I think those are important questions to consider. i can definitely see myself having a life with my b/f...forever is hard to say b/c i don't think i believe in forever anymore but we're good together....we work...and i want to be with him... Link to comment
greywolf Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 i can definitely see myself having a life with my b/f...forever is hard to say b/c i don't think i believe in forever anymore but we're good together....we work...and i want to be with him... And does he feel the same? If so, I say go for it. Link to comment
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