needing female perspective

[pushforward]

Hello.

 

I sit here and ponder about myself as a person and my qualities. My ex dumped me for another dude. Wasn't honest about it and I found out she cheated on me. Unfortunately, due to my fear of getting hurt and not wanting to break NC. I don't have any closure from her. I would like a female's perspective to gain more insight about my breakup and myself as a person.

 

I will briefly describe myself and would like to know, is this what you are looking for in a partner. My ex and I were together for a year and a half. She is my first girlfriend and love. The circumstances of the break up, was her needing time alone to find herself. She swore to the heavens, there was no other guy. As many others on this forum and my family speculated there was, and was right about it. I didn't find out until a few months after we broke up. I've been in strict NC to heal myself. It's been over 2 months now. I've changed my number and blocked her on any networking site. She can never contact me again, so long as I keep her out of my life.

 

I'm trying to learn more about myself and what qualities I could improve on. I'm being completely honest here and not blowing myself up in any way. I'm a decent looking guy with lots of personality, once you get to know me. I'm very nice and sweet, but I got a backbone. I'm nobody's doormat or tool. I have goals in life and in hot pursuit to achieve them. I didn't necessarily put her needs before mine, I put the relationship needs before my own. I really did put a lot of thought into the things I did for her. I never expected anything in return, I just did them because I felt like it. Making breakfast for her in bed or opening a door for her. You know the chivalrous gentlemen type.

 

I would always do things to spice up the relationship, try new things and grow as a couple. I really thought she was the one... I never pressured her in any way for commitment or to take the next step further. I'm very laxed and easy going. I'm unsure as to if I'm such a catch, why did I get discarded like crap. I know anything I think of for her end, is speculative, but I HAVE TO FIGURE THIS OUT. Stupid pet peeve of mine is having answers.

 

I'd like to say I'm a rare commodity, but the circumstances in which she left me, hurts. My ego has taken a blow and so has my self confidence. I do know this is self inflicted, but humor me a little. I know I shouldn't take anything she did personal, but that's how it's coming off as. I'm trying really hard to break out of this thought pattern.

 

In the end, the love wasn't enough, on her end. She couldn't love me the way I wanted to be loved. She couldn't be faithful and I'm a good guy with a broken heart. I was really good to her and I can't complain. I gave it my all and I am slowly letting it go.

 

I'm trying to figure out what I did wrong, when I didn't do anything wrong. Why is this concept for me so hard to grasp. I'm an idiot, I know. I know.

[JadedStar]

This wasn't about you, it was about her. She did something that was very deceitful and a deep betrayal.

 

Based on what you wrote you sound like a wonderful boyfriend. Just continue to be that person and you will find a girl who is wild about you and who really appreciates your thoughfulness and loving nature.

 

You were discarded because she was likely insecure and needed affirmation and found it from the attention of another. Has probably not a ThiNG to do with you.

 

MOST cases of cheating it had NOTHING to do with the person cheated on and everything to do with internal conflict and/or insecurity on the part of the cheater. It surely does not sound that she cheated due to you not being attentive or being a good b/f.

 

It's a hard blow, but try to not let it destroy your self esteem. She effed up. Not you. There is a strong likelihood that new guy will eventually get cheated on as well by her.

[pushforward]

Thanks for the words of wisdom. I know it has something to do with her, but I'm having trouble swallowing that fact. I guess it's the self defeating attitude I have at the moment. The lack of closure from her on her end also adds into this equation. I need to find what makes me happy again. Another journey on to self discovery.

[justletgo07]

Did you ever feel like you were giving more than you were getting, or that you were often left wanting?

[waveseer]

You will have an entirely different relationship experience when you meet a woman who is also a giver like you are.

[pushforward]

Did you ever feel like you were giving more than you were getting, or that you were often left wanting?

 

Nope. The relationship was amazing, even now after all this hurt. I can say it was amazing, her leaving me without being honest is the deal breaker for a second chance.

 

You will have an entirely different relationship experience when you meet a woman who is also a giver like you are.

 

I'm not putting her a pedestal in any way. She was a very good girlfriend until the end. She changed in an instant. Out of her character and not who I know. The new her is somebody I won't ever associate myself with. That much I know. I'm not looking for friendship. I'm looking for knowledge to protect myself and things I could improve on. I always gave her space and respected her wishes.

 

I didn't get needy until the break up, which is normal, because I didn't know what to do or know how to say goodbye. At least I will know for next time.

 

Had to learn the hard way...

[philomela]

It sounds as though this girl was the way she was the entire time, a person that she hid from you. It is doubtful that she was wonderful the whole time and then she suddenly changed. She sounds like a rather good con artist.

 

As to the reasons why a person would do something like this.....attention, attention,attention. Why some people bother even being in a relationship is beyond me, when what they should really do is be on a stage in the middle of the room, where everyone can look upon and admire them.There are a number of other things as well.....perhaps she simply wasn't attracted to you any longer but never grew the backbopne to say so, perhaps this guy showed up on the scene and promised her who-knows-what,perhaps he is a lover from her past who she couldn't pass-up.

 

Could it be that aside from her errs, you were missing any clues coming from her? To be fair, women drop clues that a lot of the times require a microscope to find.

 

At any rate, after some time, you may decide that you do need to understand why she did it. In all likelihood, her answer will only serve to anger you, as you sound like you were a kind and attentive boyfriend to her.So if you do decide it is something you need to better understand, then I think you need to wait to ask your questions when you're in a place where you've accepted what has happened and healed your heart.

[pushforward]

I've accepted what she is done. There is no doubt in my head or heart in what she did. Not an ounce of denial. I'm just trying to figure out her motives. The guy she left me for could be the greatest guy in the world or fit her better.

 

In all honesty, I had no idea it was coming. No clues, I'm talking about she made me and my family dinner the same day she broke up with me. I really thought the relationship was going well. I make communication very important. What burns the most, is her leaving me telling me she can see a future with me, but right now is not a good time for her. She needs time to find herself. A few months later, I find out she cheated on me and I go complete NC. She doesn't even know I found out. I'm just irked at the fact she lied to my face and left me devastated after I found out the real truth.

 

My friends and family have told me I have change drastically, for the better of course. I take the truth much better than a lie. I'm a very detail oriented person, I notice every little thing, so I'm not sure what the heck I missed. I'm still lost, and yes I know only she knows the answers, but I need to satisfy my hunger for opinions. Haha, I really don't have anybody to talk to about this. I'm still a newbie.

[catfeeder]

Consider that we're probably each meant for someone, and odds are against matching up with that person without first trying to assign that role to some wrong people. The wrong person will not own the capacity to view you through the correct lens. So when someone rejects you, it means she has limited vision about you.

 

Don't assume there must be some deficiency in you that must be uncovered. Your ex didn't reject 'you'--she never fully knew you because she was not your match. That doesn't make her bad, just not right for you. With chemistry we can understand, either we've got it, or we don't. Well, same is true of sharing an inner vision with someone. All the pretzels in the world won't change that. The right person will recognize you, whether you're on your best behavior, or not.

 

When someone you love has been disloyal, this is where knowing yourself is especially important. Once you go there, you won't need to 'find' either closure or validation, you'll already have it. Your course changes from trying to make someone 'fit' to matching up with the right person--not 'any' person. You'll settle for nobody BUT someone who sees you with the same vision. The one who gets you.

 

Everyone else will be compelled to exit for one reason or another. So dramatizing an exit is missing the point. It's not about you or them or whatever small stuff prompts that exit--it's about the match. You'll want wrong matches to pass early.

 

In your corner.

[philomela]

In that case, it sounds like she has a lot of maturing to do.

 

What struck me from what you wrote is that she never told you she cheated, but she did break up with you. It sounds like guilt over what she did may have been a factor for her to initiate the breakup. It seems as though she couldn't confess it to you, but she felt that perhaps letting you go was a way for her to protect you. Of course, the flip is possible, too. By that I mean, she simply wanted you out of her life. Maybe she just didn't feel the same way about you anymore, and instead of telling you (which would have been the decent thing to do), tested the waters and then decided it was over.

 

It is very difficult to know for her what her motivations were. It has to do with the type of person she is....is she the type who runs away from problems, who is kind to a fault and can't bear to hurt others, or is she simply careless when it comes to other people's feelings? Look at the way she's reacted in other situations, examples of her thought process, and these will give you clues as to some of her reasonings behind what she did.

 

No wonder you were feeling as though there is something wrong with you, when she, seemingly out of nowhere, cheated on you and then broke up with you. I don't think you should approach her about it any time soon, however, as the subject involves her infedility, which she doesn't know you know about. Revealing your knowledge about that can cause problems in and of itself.

 

Then again, a part of me wants you to pick up the phone, call her, lay it out there, and tell her the least she owes you is an explanation. You've accepted what she has done, but in order for you to truly move on, you need her to tell you why. i'm just worried that you won't get what you want from her answers.

[philomela]

Written beautifully.Are you a poet or something?

 

You have a knack for putting into words things that are VERY difficult to express.

 

Ultimately, yes, what you want to do is be able to realise that it wasn't meant to work out. Close but no cigar, you know? If there was something about you she wound up not liking, and you weren't even aware, chances are this is something about you that is essential to you, that is simply who you are, and you wouldn't be able to change it.

[pushforward]

Unfortunately, I still am learning more lessons about life. This was my first relationship and for my first, I had too much expectations of her always wanting to be with me. Even if I am amazing. It simply didn't work out and she did whatever she needed to do to make herself happy. In my case, it hurt a lot that she couldn't be up front, but I guess that's how the cookie crumbles. lol bruce almighty quote.

 

 

 

No point in speaking to her, it would only result in pain and tears. She doesn't need to know that she hurt me in this way. I hate the fact she lied to my face. I take honesty much better than learning of the truth through myspace. The guy she left me for looks like a total loser. No offense to the guy, it just irks me. She left me for somebody older and looks like he has nothing going on in his life. I'm just ticked off and being bitter. He is more compatible with her. I am not, I need to be mature about this and recognize this is getting me no where.

 

I doubt she did it to protect me. Eventually I would find out and would despise her, not only for cheating, but lying. Grinds my gears that somebody can be so damn irresponsible. My fault for letting her be responsible for how I feel. But it's normal right?

 

 

 

I don't know part of me would like to speak to her, to see what exactly pushed her away. So I can improve on that flaw and improve myself overall, for a better relationship in the future. My core characteristics are very good though, which bothers me. I'm very honest and open. I think I'm too mature for my age, maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm too caught up in living a the good life and making a future with somebody. I should just act my age and be immature and go sleep around. Have babies like all my peers and work a dead end job. Hah.

 

Lesson I've learned is to make my future for me, nobody else. Never again I tell myself. Never will I picture a future with anybody, for me and only me. I'm pretty stubborn and I will break this cognitive thinking pattern and better myself.

[JadedStar]

You will have an entirely different relationship experience when you meet a woman who is also a giver like you are.

 

I agree, and he will see what a wonderful relationship can feel like.

[pushforward]

I agree, and he will see what a wonderful relationship can feel like.

 

Something to look forward to, but how the heck do I pull my self out of this hole?