Should I let her go?

[WilliamC]

I'm going to be eighteen in a week and I'm trying to reconcile with former friends and ex-girlfriends so I can start my 18th year with no regrets. The first one on my list is hard and Im looking for some advice. There is quite along story behind our relationship so if you will please bare with me, here it is.

Three and a half years ago on my first day of high school I met a girl. I was introduced to her by a mutual friend and we had a brief conversation that ended with her telling me to go off and kill myself and me asking her what gender she was because we were all a little confused. Her name was Maya and we had the same third period. Being on opposite sides of the band room however we couldn't talk much so we talked to each other for about 5 minutes everyday for about a year. We ran in different circles so we never hung out or anything.

Although we each dated other people I developed a crush on her. That five minute conversation between 3rd and 4th period became the highlight of my day and I always wanted more. Then in the 10th grade she and I were both single and I decided it was my chance to make an impression. I did all shorts of crazy things. I slept on my roof, graffieted a school bus, dressed up and acted like christ, and at the hight of it all coated my clothes in aresol and set myself on fire, all in the space of three months. She was impressed but not in the way I wanted.

These stunts had made me very popular however but when I gave up on impressing her I stopped the stunts. My popularity soon died and I became depressed and began doing drugs. That led to an arrest for trespassing and possession on my birthday that year and after that I decided to straighten up.

I then got together with a different girl. She was my first serious relationship. After about a month I noticed extra attention from Maya She was always asking about my girlfriend. You see she had also been arrested around the same time I was for smoking on school grounds, and her parents decided she was going off to boarding school and they were going to send her away over the summer. As summer drew near we hung out a few times and my girlfriend became jealous. She was a sweet girl and I did have feelings for her so I toned back the time I spent with Maya. Maya wanted to pull a stunt with me before she had to leave and being die hard atheists decided we were going to burn the aforementioned giant cross. (sorry if that offends anyone we were dumb and thought it was funny I understand now its not something to * * * * around with and its serious business)

Summer came to quickly however and she went off to art camp. She called me the night she got there and we talked for a bit. We talked every two days just about at the most random times, lunch, at 8 am, at dinner at 3 am. Every time the phone rang i dove for it. Before I called I always had to collect myself to stifle my nervousness. I wanted her to like me. I was afraid shed think I was a loser or something.

We talked about everything under the sun. Family, our interests, our fears. I never talked to anyone I had so much in common with. I fell in love that summer.

As the summer went on we our conversations became longer and longer. The longest lasting nearly a full day. Then she came home, and her parents decided to let her go to our high school and I was so happy. We finally burnt that cross.(once again sorry) it was kind of lame.

School started and we had more classes together plus that 5 minutes. We hung out all the time, couldn't be separated. I decided to let my girlfriend go. SHe didn't take it well and shes another one on the list. That same night a close friend of Mayas and my cat both died of cancer. Funny how things work sometimes. That day during the transition from 3rd to 4th, she broke down crying and i put my arms around her and I swore that I'd make her smile that day and everyday after.

Later she would confess that she fell in love with me that summer and ironically that she always dove for the phone when it rang and that she was nervous before calling, and afraid I d think she was a loser or something.

I took things slowly. Painfully slowly. I wanted everything to be significant, and it was. Life took on an almost ethereal quality. To cynical, misunderstood, depressed teenagers all of a sudden found joy and happiness in everything. Christmas came and we began having sex.

It was a short to months afterword we were caught by her father. Long story shot Strict indian parents. To make matters worse her dad had a near fatal aneurism shortly after and has been in and out of the hospital since. My brother was bed ridden for several monthshes with serious lyme which almost crippled him for life. My fathers right kidney failed, and hes still in and out of the hospital. Now if thats not enough stress, Her mother decided she wanted to go back to collage so they were going to move 4 hours upstate. The craziest part My grandfather was hospitalized and my parents decided we were going to move in with my grandmother to help.

Its like the world wanted to tear us apart and it did. After 5 months of miserable and constant fighting and bickering we broke up. We called each other every name in the book and did everything we could to break the others heart. I cant speak for her but I m repulsed at how immaturely I acted.

Summer came and I moved and she moved and we tryed to stitch a friendship together but the calls always ended in fights. It seemed as if it was the polar opposite of the summer before. THen in september I made one last attempt. I called. She asked me to stop. She said what ever my intentions it hurt to talk to me. I tryed to change her mind but she asked me please just to not talk to her anymore so I agreed, hung up and wept like a child. That was four months ago. Life in a new place has treated me well, Ive been able to grow up a lot and make some good friends.

On the other hand I just can't keep a relationship. Ive had five and I have slept with one of then a multiple occasions. I m just not feeling it anymore. I long to much for her. I know it could have worked out. Just to many bad coincidences. Shes in my dreams almost every night. TAlking about it dosnt help and keeping it to myself is worse. I miss her and the thought of her makes me want to try harder and be a better person. I regret the way I acted and wish things could have ended better.

I looked up her facebook and wrote her a massage (wassup?) just now and need advice.

Here are my questions

1 Do you only truly love once?

2 Can exs ever be just friends?

THe main question?

Should I click send message or the little x in the corner and let her go?

[waveseer]

If I am understanding you correctly, the last time you spoke to her she said to please stop because it hurt her, right?

 

If that is the case then your best course of action is to allow her to contact you first when she feels ready.

 

In the meantime it would be a really good idea for your to let go of her and proceed with your life.

[Mischievous1]

That really was a long read... Well, for starters, that kind of chaotic life doesn't help relationships in general. Simply because you both needed support at seemingly concurrent times.

But anyway, to answer your questions...

1. No, you don't only love once. If she was your first love that is why your so conflicted as to how things ended. However, it may be that you two are connected so strongly (because you have so much in common) that being apart is not the best thing for you two. [sorry for the runaround but thats how these things are]

2. Yes, ex's can be just friends. IF, and only if, that relationship is closed forever. Otherwise you would be wondering if it would've been better to stay together.

3. Tell her what you've been going through, be brutally honest because she could be going through the exact same thing. If she is, there is a strong chance you may be strongly connected to her. Or may just need her companionship. Ultimately the decision is yours. Consider that if she is going through the same thing it could spark up your relationship. If not, the worst thing that will happen is that she will say that she doesn't feel anything for you anymore and you will be able to move on. You really have nothing to lose.

 

Good luck. Hope I helped you a bit.

[catfeeder]

If I am understanding you correctly, the last time you spoke to her she said to please stop because it hurt her, right?

 

If that is the case then your best course of action is to allow her to contact you first when she feels ready.

 

In the meantime it would be a really good idea for your to let go of her and proceed with your life.

 

I agree. And no, we can love as many times as we want. Thing is, as we grow more solid about who we are, we start to become more selective about who we're holding out for. Sure, our dating pool grows smaller as we grow wiser--but we're not looking for 'any' one to love, we're only looking for the right one.

 

When it's right everything works itself out in time and with patience, so loosen your grip and see what happens. If you work too hard you can smother it--then you'll never know.

 

In your corner.

[HopelessSmitten]

Sounds like brutally honest would be a good idea. You have nothing to lose, except maybe one last chance, so tell her exactly how you feel unless you'd rather get back to the friends status. But if your in pain now than being friends with someone you love might get you to the point of another romantic relationship with her, but it will be way more painful. So go for it.

[LBP]

I'd say that he's already gone the 'one last chance' route. Perhaps an indirect method of testing her interest would be more appropriate. Contact her on facebook, myspace or perhaps a simple text message on her birthday. If she responds to any of those things, you'll have an idea as to where you stand.

[WilliamC]

After pondering what seemed a general concensus on to opposing suggestions I made my deicision. After reading your advice initiailly I deicided to text her my feelings. The message never went through and I found out through some friends back home that shes changed her number and that since the her move she hasnt spoken to anyone(with the exception of her fmr best friend once or twice). Kind of upsetting but it seems shes deicided to move on from not only me but everyone that was in her life. On the other hand I don't feel as bad about her not speaking to me and I deicided now is not the best time to try to strike anything up. Shes going to be working at the art camp this summer considering shell have graduated alongside some mutual friends of ours. The mutual friends say they will help me see her over the summer. I am going to accept nc for now and spend this time focusing on what I need to do in my life.

Patched things up with the other girl btw. So when summer comes whatever happens happens. Thanks for your advice.

[WilliamC]

Ok So just after posting that last one out of curiosity I checked out my old face book account. I made it a year and a half ago and never went on since. After browsing a few friend requests I stumbled on a message from Guess who and its dated 10/08 Which is nearly a month and a half after she asked me not to speak to her. THe message reads Nice Nickname....

 

She tryed to contact me three months ago. I feel like an ass about know and am wondering what to do. I dunno if I should apologise and spill my guts or Just talk. Couldnt sleep all night because of the excitement. Uh new info she apparently had a serious relationship over the summer and it appears to have ended abruptly. SO ug Im so confused.