After Break-up thoughts

[catfish1199]

I thought I would start one of these. I feel like posting things all of the time but when I do, I get carried away and just start writing my thoughts.

 

So here I am 2 months into my break-up and had little contact since we moved out and setteled our belongings. We were together for 7 years and just about every minute of it was great. We rarely fought and when we did, it was something so minor that we both said this is stupid. We never went to bed mad.

 

We were both grew pretty stagnant in life. We both graduated from college and didnt move forward with our degrees. We both stayed in the Bar/Restaurand business and continued to struggle with $$. Not poor, but just not comfortable. I realized very quickly after she left me, that I had become different and that affected her feelings for me. I began to be unattractive to her because I had grown so stale in the last months. I didnt have any direction in life and that dragged me down without me really recognizing it.

 

About 2 months before our break-up she broke down and told me that she had kissed some guy at work. She was tore up and told me she didnt know who she was, was afraid of losing me, and that she needed to see a therapist. I was more than willing to work with her through this, but two months later, she left. I think that I didnt see how serious the situation was because I dont remember making a conscious effort to make sure she knew how much I appreciated her. I think maybe that confession subconsciously tainted my ability even further to be who I used to be to her. She told me that the simple fact that she was able to have a crush on someone, especially someone that wasnt even her type, told her that something was missing between us.

 

I know now that the something was missing was us moving forward in life and me not being able to express my appreciation for becasue of my hidden depression. I know also that she is dealing with other things like anxiety issues and having to help her mom pay bills. I feel like she was just unhappy in life in general and I was just a part of it.

 

When we broke up, she kept seeing him and they were hanging out quite a bit. (her house is on my route) I know he was artificial comfort for her because the break up was pretty bad for her too. She just felt like we were holding eachother back because we were too comfortable with eachother and not pushing eachother to excel.

 

I know that she recently cut it off with that guy. I am pretty excited about that because I know now that she can step back and see herself objectively without that false comfort. I hope that she is using this to deal with all of the other things in her life that she needs to. I know that she is going back to school in the fall. We talked about it a couple of times after the break up.

 

I have been focusing on myself and making sure that I am now headed in the right direction. I am in the gym every day as well. I was pretty fit before, but this is just going to make me push hard enough to look utterly fantastic. I am now persuing the degree that I should have gotten in the first place.

 

But lately I have had a little trouble making sense of some things. Mostly because of the conflicting advice I have gotten from a number of different people. My personal growth and my goals are my number one priority right now, as they should be. I am going to emerge from this a better man and I know that is going to make me a success in life and in my relationships, which will hopefully include the person I have been in love with for 7 years.

 

Either way, it will be all for good. In fact, the lack of those things is what I feel led to the demise of our relationship. I was depressed about my lack of direction in life and through a chain of other things, led to her feeling unappreciated and her feelings fading for me. It feels really good to actually have that sense of direction now. I was drifting without it for quite a while. I feel like I know who I am and where I am heading in life. It came about quite quickly because once I took that blow to the heart, I was able to sort out where I wanted to go with my career. That was something I knew in the back of my head but was afraid to face it. Once I dug it out and faced it, took the giant step of registering for school, everything else began to come into perspective quite easily. I realized that I settled for a finance degree just to get out of school, and now that I am hunting down what I felt I should have in the first place, it feels really good.

 

I feel like I am in a position mentally to explore some things, but I am not sure if that is a good idea. My conflict lies with my future relationships. Relationships with others and with a particular person.

 

I have stepped back and looked at my relationship with her and I can honestly say that it was a very good one for a very long time, but I kinda changed and not for the good. I can also honestly say that I do think we were made for each other and I do want her back at some point. I dont think now is that time. Even if she wanted me back right now, I dont think it would work. I think that I have to move on from her and then try to reconcile when we are both fresh and we have both grown as individuals.

 

However, I dont think I will know when that time comes. We have been out of contact for quite a while now(2.5 weeks with just holiday texts in that time) and I catch myself wanting to know how she is doing with exploring herself and her feelings and desires. I have had people tell me to just cut all contact and never reach out to her until she reaches out to me. I have had others tell me that if you truly love her, then be there every once in a while to show her that you still care very much for her. Which is the right path to take? No contact or little contact? I want her to be without me, to see if she really misses me in her life, but I also dont want to seem like she was so easy to give up on, that I am fine with not ever talking to her.

 

I think that now that she is done with her rebound, that I should still wait and see if she calls me. I dont know how long to wait exactally, but maybe my heart will tell me when its time. I think I may receive a text on new years eve, but I dont know how and if I will respond. I do know that I hope for that text. I have even played with the idea of showing up where she and some of our friends will be to just silently walk up and kiss her (it is New Year's but I am deathly afraid that it is way too early for that and that will set us both back.

 

I have moved on considerably but I do think that we were made for each other. We both said that all of the time. I think I will resist the urge to see her tomorrow and that is probably for the best, but we will see I guess.