How much does this suck!

[JamesZero]

Right I have posted a couple of times here...

 

basic my girlfriend who I still love very much, dumped me a few weeks ago, and I went though the whole begging her to give me another chance, and then I did the no contact...

 

Anyway the other day she called me and asked if I could come round and help her set up her new TV and DVD player...

 

So i said yes, went and did it, and Im going round there on sunday to help her with something else too...

 

Now a couple of days after we split up she started seeing someone else, I thought this was just off the re bound...

 

But tonite she said she was going out with a couple of her friends, about 20 mins ago she txt me asking if my mum was going out 2nite... (my mum sometimes goes to the place she is going 2nite)

The only reson she would have txt me that that I can think of is that she didnt want my mum to see her out with her new man! So she lied to me about who she was going out with! That and I txt her back (not thinking about it) saying no my mum is at home, whys that? and she didnt txt me back... as in i know what i needed to.. so i wont bother with you anymore..

 

I want her back so so much! Does it sound like im just wasting my time? and that this new bf could be taking off?

 

Also should I confront her on sunday about the txting 2nite or should i just drop it?

 

Thanks

[Beec]

The begging her to come back part could have blown it for you. Then again, you might have a chance. But you cannot and should not ask. And, you cannot and should not confront her. If you ask or confront her, you will be giving yourself even less of a chance than you might have now.

 

Go read this post:

 

link removed

 

It's pretty long but covers a lot about what you need to know. After reading it, ask if you have any questions.

[JamesZero]

I read that... but the thing is this situation is different...

 

One, im not seeing anyone at the moment, I am still single...

 

The second thing is that im worryied with her seeing this new person...

 

because a) about 3 years ago they were seeing each other... nothing much came of it b) he has trying to get her back all this time even though she has been with me... and now that we broke up she said she wants to give things a ago with him!

 

Does this sound like she is really going to give it a ago with him and I dont stand a chance... I know she still has feelings for me... she told me that, but also said she just wants to be friends!

[majord23]

James, your situation isn't that different....and the principle behind dealing with yours is the same. I have said it to you before, and I will say it again - No contact.

 

This may sound harsh, but I get the impression that I'm going to have to be harsh to get through to you bro....You are becoming her doormat.

 

She dumped you, she has a new BF...and you're running around to her place to do favours for her? Mate...get a grip - she is using you to make herself feel secure.

 

You may feel that seeing her actually increases your chances of getting her back...bzzzz....wrong....it does the opposite.

How is she going to miss you if you stay in her life?

 

Not only that, but her respect for you is going to diminish James...she has treated you absolutely atrociously....yet you set up her DVD and TV for her?....she is going to start sensing that you have little self-respect....and how can she respect you when you are displaying a lack of respect for yourself?

 

I'm not trying to offend/upset you James...but you've got to get yourself a *little* but angry with her, so that you can stop being her safety net.

 

You are heading down a path that has 'destination regret' written all over it. If you don't make some changes to your behaviour, you are going to be kicking yourself in a few months.

 

I know you aren't going to like what I've said...but I'm saying it because I do know how you feel and I do want to help. Sometimes being blunt is the only way to get a point through.

[majord23]

One more thing James. The first step you should take is cancel seeing her Sunday.

*You* have to make *her* feel insecure....cancel it and tell her you have other plans.

[JamesZero]

I do See your Point, I will try my best with the no contact, i know its hard but what your saying is true...

 

the thing is we have agreed just to be friends, should I tell her that I dont want that at the moment, otherwise she will ring me now and then to do things, and that will break the no contact

[Beec]

Your situation is not that different. If you go back begging and pleading and trying to get her back because of how much youc are for and love her, SHE WILL BE GONE for good.

 

Whether you are seeing someone or not, you must act like you have no need for her, you are independent, you are moving the F on with your life. Act like she is the one who is going to have to run you down to ever get back with you.

 

Now, I would go over to do the TV and DVD thing, because you said you would. Be a man and be good for your word. If you said you would do it, then do it. But act like you cannot wait to get out of there and have no desire to really be in her presense.

 

If she makes a slight move in your direction, tell her not to play games, tell her if she ever wanted you, she'd have to dump him and come and try and get you, or something like that.

[majord23]

Good stuff James.

It's up to you whether you want to tell her - you can say that you find it too hard to be her friend, so perhaps it's best if you don't stay in contact.

 

Or alternatively, you can just be 'busy' everytime she contacts you.

 

Completely your call...and remember, what you want is to get her thinking "Hmmm....why is he acting differently? Why doesn't he seem to need me as much anymore?"

 

I think that you should *seriously* consider cancelling Sunday bro....it will really get her thinking and will signify a big change in your behaviour (ie not being there for her all the time).

 

If you commit yourself to no contact, you have to stick to it no matter what mate - I won't lie to you, it's one of the hardest things in the world to do....but ultimately, it will be worth it. And you can always come to the board when you feel doubt or are feeling like contacting her...there's plenty of people here to keep you strong when you don't feel strong yourself.

[majord23]

the thing is we have agreed just to be friends, should I tell her that I dont want that at the moment, otherwise she will ring me now and then to do things, and that will break the no contact

 

 

Just to clarify something...no contact means that it's no contact from *you*....read Beec's post in the 'Security Tennis' thread made earlier today....it makes an excellent point. Basically the point made is that *if* you are strong enough to act unaffected by her when she contacts you, then it's not a problem...if you don't feel strong enough to keep up that act, then 'no contact' from both sides is the way to go.

 

Again, you have to give her the impression that you don't need her....if *she* contacts *you* and you give her even the slightest indication that you miss/love/want her, it defeats the purpose of you not contacting her.

[JamesZero]

Thanks for all your help guys....

 

Im still not 100% sure what to do on sunday... if i dont do it, she will only try to arrange another time, and I can put it off forever!

[Beec]

As I said, I would go Sunday. If you want to appear to be a desirable man, then you need to do what you said you would. But you need to steel your resolve on how to act first: Happy to see her; you don't need her; and get away fast.

[majord23]

Thanks for all your help guys....

 

Im still not 100% sure what to do on sunday... if i dont do it, she will only try to arrange another time, and I can put it off forever!

 

 

As far as this Sunday is concerned, it really is inconsequential if you go or not James....what *is* essential is that something changes this Sunday.

 

As I've said...you can cancel and it will get her thinking

As Beec said...you can go, but act unaffected and act like you want to get outta there after you've done your favour.

 

Either way will have the same effect...you will get her noticing a difference in your attitude towards her, and you will confuse her a little (maybe a lot)...and that is exactly what you want to do.

 

The reason I said not to go is because I'm not sure if (at the moment) you feel strong enough to 'act' unaffected by her...and I mean *really* act unaffected.

That means - not ONE WORD about your relationship, not one little hint that you miss her or love her...not one mention of Valentine's Day...not one little look of disappointment in your eyes if she says something about her new BF...NOTHING James. THAT is how unaffected you have to be around her...otherwise she will see straight through it.

 

If you truly feel able to do it, by all means go mate....like I say - your call completely.

I'm glad to see that you're making an effort to get the upperhand here mate...once you get it, you'll feel a heck of a lot better.

[JamesZero]

Well....

 

I have decided to go on sunday, i think she needs to see that I can still be a reliable person...

 

towards the end of the relationship i do admit i did become a bit unreliable, and thats what one of the problems was...

 

I am 100% sure i can be strong on sunday and not say anything and not be affected... the only thing that will be hard is that about a year before we started going out we were best of friends!

 

We get on so so well and always have such a laugh with her! So the hard thing will be trying to leave asap, cos once we get started on chatting,.. we dont stop! lol I dont want to seem rude about it???

[majord23]

James,

I'm happy to hear that you feel strong enough. Now you really must be very careful about giving off any signals.

 

Yes, it will be hard to leave if your chatting and getting along great....but that is the best time *to* leave. In the words of a once famous showman "...always leave them wanting more...".

 

When you first arrive at her place, tell her "I have plans at , so I'm going to have to leave at "....and then stick to it.

 

It's not being rude...it's indicating to her that you have a life without her (something that will make her think). Promise yourself you'll be strong and leave when you say you are going to leave. If you stay, you are telling her that nothing in your life is as important as her...and even if that *is* the way you feel - you can't let her know that.

 

I'll say it again...you will want to stay longer, you will be having a great time....but walking away in the middle of it is the best possible thing you can do. And I'll repeat this again as well: It is not rude James - even if she acts offended/disappointed that you are leaving, she will only be doing it to confirm to herself how much emotional power she has over you.

 

Let us know how you do mate. Good Luck

[JamesZero]

ok I was partly weak... and partly not...

 

She phoned me today (vallentines day) and said im board... is there any chance you can do it now?

 

I was weak and said yes (which i shouldnt have!)... but there was just something inside me that said "Its vallentines day, she is obviously not with her new man and she is asking YOU round... how can you say no?"

 

But anyway I went round there... did it, had a drink and left stright away... I didnt make it seem like I was rushing, but i told her I was going out 2nite and had to go home to get ready!

 

Now I have that out the way... im going to contine with the no contact, unless she phones me! It will be hard... but "might" be worth it in the long run!

[majord23]

You're right James - you shouldn't have gone. Don't be at her bec and call bro....a simple "I'm can't, I'm busy...bit can still come around for an hour tomorrow like I said" would have been perfect. Again, to make her wonder *why* you're busy and *who* you're busy with.

When you find yourself asking "How can I say no?" (as you said) is when you *should* say no.

It IS hard and sometimes it feels like the most impossible, most unnatural thing to do (say 'No'), but that's when you have to say it. Acting unaffected isn't for the feint-hearted mate....it's probably the hardest thing you'll ever do.

She didn't ask you because she was bored...she asked (even subconsciously) because she wanted to know if you would come around for her....she was probably wondering if *you* were doing anything for Valentines. Small step backwards mate...but only a small one.

 

*Majord jumps off his soap box*

 

Having said all of that, you did a good job of making amends by getting out of there quickly.

[JamesZero]

I know what you say is true....

 

If it wasnt vallentines day the I probably would have said im busy...

 

But when your ex who is supposed to be seeing someone else, and they ask you to go round theres on vallentines day... I suppose I just got my hopes up a bit, that asking me round to do the TV thing might have just been an excuse... she might have had other intentions!

[JamesZero]

Thanks for all your help guys... But i have now offically blown it

 

I hate myself for doing it, but its all down to my weak will power!

 

basically, she phoned me 2nite, and we were talking... now earlyer on today I found at her new b/f had just gone on holiday...

 

Out of the blue and I know its wrong and I dont know why I said it! but i said well we r both on our own tonite, fancy getting out a DVD...

 

She said I dont think its a good idea... and even more stupidly I challenged it and said its better than us both being on our own!

 

So she said yes... I got all excited, and then 15 mins later she phoned me and said actually i dont think its a good idea... and i broke down and got all defencive, saying i dont know why your being like this! it dont mean anything! etc etc

 

She then got annoyed with me, I said sorry and then we ended the phone call.

 

Im so so so so stupid, I have totally blown it.

 

I have just now lost the one person I loved more than anything else in the whole world and there is nothing i can do to get her back!

 

Im going round there 2morrow, for the final time, im going to tell her that we cant be friends any more cos I cant take it and this will be the last time i ever talk to her.

 

I have lost the love of my life and my best friend all in one

[majord23]

James,

I'm really sorry to hear about what's happened. It is a step backwards and probably not the best thing to have happened….but don't get carried away. You have by no stretch of the imagination "officially blown it"…you just have a bit of extra work to do to get back ahead.

 

The break-up is still new, emotions are raw and for God's sake man…she is sending out mixed signals, so it is completely understandable that you should feel like reacting this way. This is the *least* she should expect….she is lucky that you are even willing to acknowledge her existence bro. Your actions today are merely a reaction to the way she is treating you…and they are completely natural.

 

She cannot for a moment expect you to come around to hers, act like everything's ok and NOT get your hopes up.

 

Once again mate…don't be so hard on yourself.

 

Don't say anything on Sunday that you are going to regret….tell her that you can't deal with things the way they are, so you are going to have to make a clean break. If you do say anything harsh, you will regret it and want to take it back (believe me!). Keep your anger inside if you want any chance of reconciliation.

Apologise (if you feel the need to) and explain calmly why you reacted the way you did….and then walk away with your head held high my friend – you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of….if anyone does, it is her – for expecting you to be completely 'ok' with such a messed up situation.

 

My thoughts are with you mate….stay strong and use this experience as a learning one.

 

You're ok bro.

[JamesZero]

Thanks Mate,

 

You really are making things easyer for me! and I really do appreciate that!

 

At the end of the day I do want her back more than anything in the world... But at the same time, she is not only the love of my life but she is my best friend...

 

I have mates I have known since I was 4 years old, and I have only know her for 3 years, and I feel closer to her than anyone...

 

i know she feels the same way about me, she has told me that she has never felt as close to me as anyone else in her life...

 

So i do hope that even if we dont get back together, that we can still be friends! I know that will be hard, and it will take time, and it will never be the same friendship we had before... but I hope it in time things will work themselves out!

 

I will see how today goes, and I will let you know!

 

Thanks again mate!

[majord23]

No problem at all James - everything I write is sincere bro. You are doing really well considering the circumstances.

 

It's natural to feel a closeness with a gf - or ex gf, beyond that of which you have with any friend. To be able to confide completely in someone, to allow someone to see the real you...and then to have that person leave your life is like having a part of yourself leave.

 

Anyway....enough of this philosophical mumbo-jumbo How did things go yesterday?