How do i let go?

[Phoenix_girl]

That seems to be the question. Everyone is telling me to move on (well not everyone, but most are) but I don't know how. How do you break a connection thats this strong? And we weren't even dating! I have to now admit that our 6 year friendship is at an end and it couldnt come at a worse time.

I hit rock bottom some time ago and I didnt want to dump it all on him (he was my best friend and it was common for me to ask his advice) plus we had been having our own issues since he pushed me to confess my feelings for him.

Since that time there has been a lot of miscommunication between us further hurting our friendship. When i hit rock bottom in August I told him I was backing off to deal with some stuff. I came back around at the end of Oct. I wanted his opinion on something, but I wanted to catch up first. He said he wanted to catch up and mentioned that he didnt know if getting together would work as he spends all his time with his gf. That was the last i heard from him. That was Oct 20. Nov 9 i made my final attempt to reach him (feeling very confused) but had no success. So i decided to back off and give him the space he appeared to need. In this time I had some hard realizations including how I had screwed up in our friendship - I'm not completely to blame, but i did step up and take responsibility for my part. Dec 14 I mailed his xmas and b-day presents (which i had bought in Oct) and put in a note just apologizing for my behaviour and hoping he was well. I know the parcel was delivered on the 16th. I have not tried contacting him since.

Christmas day, which was also my 25th b-day, came and went and I did not hear from him, this was a devastating blow. he has not even said anything to me about the parcel. I found out the my cell phone account was suspended sometime since the 19th so i got it reactivated and sent out an email to all those who text with me (including him) to advise that if they tried to reach me, i didnt get it (several of them had, but again i heard nothing from him).

I now must accept that our friendship is over. I am crushed. I love him, and he knows this, but since he was the one who pushed me to confess my feelings I have to assume he didnt have a problem with that.

How do i move on? Ive had nothing but abusive relationships in my past, and even this friendship was emotionally abusive (i found this out while working on my recovery over the past few months to deal with my last relationship). I need to let go of him but i dont know how. I find that I am holding on to the belief that if he and i could just talk face to face - as we should have done a while ago - this could be cleared up and resolved...though im not even sure what has made him turn his back on me. I cannot contact him without appearing "needy" and I doubt he would even read my attempts. We also do not have any mutual friends who could be of assistance. And in truth.....he has never listened me to me in all the times ive tried to tell him how he hurts me, so i dont even know if i really want to talk to him at all. I need to let go. But how?

Any suggestions would be helpful.

[waveseer]

What you just wrote is a good start to letting go. Accept that there's nothing you can do at this point to make things any better nor any worse. He has divested himself of you and in order for you to heal you must do the same to him. Believe me, I would have loved to have been able to come off as not needy, but the truth is I was needy and it would always show through until I healed completely. Accept that your friendship is over. It hurts to think about, but until you do accept it no friendship will ever be possible.

[Phoenix_girl]

The sad thing is he told me that he would be hurt if i decided to end the friendship. We've been butting heads for a while, and I guess not listening to each other......bad recipe for a lasting friendship.

[lostandhurt]

Happy Belated birthday first off.

 

It seems like you need this friendship instead of just wanting it. When you need something and you don't get it, it can devastate you. You answered your own questions you know. Acceptance will bring you closer to healing than any other thing. Once you accept how it really is, then you will start to see things more clearly.

 

I think once you look deep into this friendship you will see it differently than you have imagined it. Be honest with yourself about your friendship with him and perhaps you might find that he wasn't such a good friend after all. You might even find that you do not desire to talk to him ever again. Friendship is a relationship like all others. They take work and sacrifice at times to keep them strong and healthy. It doesn't sound like he did much of either.

 

lost

[hey jo]

This post does it for me. I might be having the same exact problem as phoenix girl hitting me hard in the head without me realising it, and it stinks. Oh boy.

 

Lost, this question may sound dumb but when you wrote "It seems like you need this friendship instead of just wanting it. When you need something and you don't get it, it can devastate you.", what exactly did you mean by needing rather than wanting the friendship?

 

There you go, Phoenix. It might help for you to know that you are not alone.

[Phoenix_girl]

Yes Ive thought about the fact that I need the friendship as opposed to wanting it, and theres many many reasons for that. But ultimately I want him to be happy (part of loving him) even if it means im not in his life.

Have i noticed that he hasnt been the greatest friend? Yes I have - i did mention in my original post that I discovered he was being emotionally abusive. My ex-bf was this way as well but the difference between them is that my ex was malicious about it, while my friend appears to be doing it as a defensive measure....though what he feels he needs to defend himself from me for i have no idea.

Thats part of why its hard for me to let go - this could all be fixed if we jsut sat down and talked! we were supposed to.....several times....but it never happened. Theres been a lot of miscommunication...but like i said i cant do anything without seeming "needy". I hate feeling like im between a rock and a hard place, so its time to just step out of the situation. If he ever wants to find me, he knows where to look.

[lostandhurt]

Phoenix,

I was never one to sit back and let something like this hang over my life. If you are truly okay with letting him continue to control this situation then it really isn't a friendship is it? Part of letting go is taking control back of your life and the things in it. Once you decide what it is you want it is easier to know what it is you do NOT want in your life. I know this is not the kind of friendship you want but you hang on hoping it will be more someday. It seems you need this friendship to complete you somehow and that is why you have trouble letting go. Please take control back of this part of your life. If you contact him and let him know that you wish to talk and try and save your friendship that is not needy, that is honesty. If he chooses to ignore you then he has made his choice and you can go on with your life without regret and knowing that it is over.

 

 

hey jo,

There is very little in life that we truly need if you think about it. Needing a friendship is like making it a part of you and if that part is missing you are not whole. Wanting a friendship is totally different because if it goes away you are still whole, sad but whole. Some people make things in their life (like friendship) into who they are. Kind of like the person that buys expensive things all the time trying to make themselves happy or popular. You cannot fill the emptiness in you with things or friendships, one night stands, multiple bf/gf. You must find your way to your happiness and completeness and then you can share that with others in your life, not give it, but share it. I hope this answers your question.

 

lost

[hey jo]

^^^The best post i've ever read that actually applies to my current life situation.

[hurtandused]

^^^The best post i've ever read that actually applies to my current life situation.

ditto

good post just what i needed